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Should a 3 Year Old Attend a Funeral?

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Question: Woud you let him go?

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Yes

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Only If I Went With Him


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Total Votes: 510

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So...a while ago, my ex TOLD me that he was taking my son to a funeral.  I told him I didn't think appropriate...the argument was cut short when I found out that the woman (his paternal grandmother) hadn't even died yet!!!  This was two months ago.

Well...she died Friday.  The funeral is Saturday.

Since my last argument with my ex and his new gf (an escort) in early September, I havent heard from either of them about the funearl again.

Well my ex mother in law called me last night.  Not knowing any better, I answer the phone.  She proceeds to tell me that she wants to take Devyn to the funeral on Saturday and asked if I can meet her in Orageburg on Friday.

For the first time in my life, I didn't beat around the bush.  I flat out said...no, I don't think its appropriate for a 3 year old to go to a funeral.  She gets quiet and tells me that she doesn't see a problem with him going and that I am welcome to come if I fear for his safety....clearly she isn't getting it so I ask her if Devyn has ever met the deceased...she says no...I say so...don't you think its strange to take a 3 year old to a funeral for someone he has never met?  She spends another two minutes or so justifying it and then tells me to think about it.

I have a pretty decent relationship with her.  I bring Devyn to her whenever she is in town and she does little things for him (sends him money a few times a year, buys him presents on Christmas and birthday) and I really hate to ruin the relationship but it also upsets me that she doesn't acknowledge that I as a mother am saying that I don't feel comfortable with it and she keeps pushing.

What would you guys do?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 9:39 AM
Replies (271-280):
jonnlilithsmom
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:35 AM
1 mom liked this

I did... it's grandma who has asked to be met so she can take the child, not dad... mom said she hasn't talked to dad about the funeral since early September, so explain again who has reading comprehension issues?

Quoting Ihold8Stars:

Maybe you should read it again...


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I didn't get the impression that the guy who is dating an escort had a whole lot to do with the situation, beyond bringing it up months before the deceased even died... it's grandma who has now demanded the child's presence, and who intends to bring the child, not dad, from what I read

... and yeah, mom, being the primary caregiver gets to decide in this situation

Quoting sha_lyn68:


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

if you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it...

it may have been his great grandmother, but he didn't know her, and he won't regret having missed the funeral in future, so there's no reason for him to be there.

you will just have to stand firm with grandma... this is the way you want it, and this is the way it's going to be, period.

sorry for not having any advice to make it easier for her to swallow

Her son's father also wants him to go. The OP isn't the only parent their son has. She doesn't get total control over what their son does.




devynsmommy09
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:35 AM

That is exactly how I feel

Quoting specialwingz:

No...it's STRANGE to ask to take a 3 year old to a funeral at all.  There is NO GOOD reason why this child should have to go at all.

Quoting FindersKeepers:

The child's father and his family want to take the 3yr old to a funeral... it is not a stranger asking.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.


 



specialwingz
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:42 AM

So your cousin freaked.  And, at 30, too.  Sounds like a personal problem to me.  Doesn't make it right to take a 3 year old when it isn't necessary.  That's about like throwing a chicken pox party.  GEEZ!  i do understand that death is a part of life and that kids can be introduced to it.  But, at least when they are old enough to talk to about it.  To explain what is going on and prepeare them for what they are going to see and experience.  

No, a funeral is NOT a typical 3 year old activity.  JSMDH.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

I've already spelled out my reasons in another answer (my cousins who never saw a dead body until they were in their 30s freaked out when our grandmother died. I gave a very detailed explination in my first post to this thread) and others on here have given very good reasons also. 

When a family member dies and there is a 3 yr old in the family, yes a funeral should be a typical activity.

Quoting specialwingz:

Because a funeral is not exactly a typical 3 year old activity.  Duh!  Most people I know that have taken their small children did so simply because they didn't have a choice (sitter).  Can you actually name ANY truly GOOD reason the child SHOULD go to this funeral?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.






sha_lyn68
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:42 AM

You really need to take the chip off off your shoulder and stop using your son as a pawn in your game of revenge against your ex. You've even admitted that you refused to let your ex take his son the last 3 times he has tried to. Hopefully your ex will enforce the court order and make you let him see his son.

Quoting devynsmommy09:

I am willing to let him go spend time with the other half of his family, I'm just not sold on the funeral.  The child's father shows up a few times a year and expects to take my child 1.5 hours away to a funeral.  Negative.  He doesn't even have a working phone right now.  If it were just his father, it would be a no...hands down.   

The MIL does make an effort to call and see him, mostly on/around holidays.  She is much more responsible than the father and we have a better relationship.  With her my apprehension is that I feel like as his mother, Death is something that I should be talking to him about, not anyone else.  Ive only been going to church for a few months so I can't relay it to him via religion.  And since we don't know the deceased, he still isnt going to understand even if I try!  How can you miss something that was never there?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.





SkeeterLynn
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:44 AM
I took my daughter to my grandpa's. But she knew him kind of (we live in CA and my family is in KS). We told her that he was sleeping but wouldn't wake up. He was visiting God and Jesus now. She still remembers it, because she asks questions here and there. Shed is almost 6 now. Good luck.
sha_lyn68
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:44 AM

Moms also admitted she refused to let dad see their son the last several times he has tried. Maybe they both figured it was better for grandma to ask since the OP is being such a bitch to the dad.

Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I did... it's grandma who has asked to be met so she can take the child, not dad... mom said she hasn't talked to dad about the funeral since early September, so explain again who has reading comprehension issues?

Quoting Ihold8Stars:

Maybe you should read it again...


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I didn't get the impression that the guy who is dating an escort had a whole lot to do with the situation, beyond bringing it up months before the deceased even died... it's grandma who has now demanded the child's presence, and who intends to bring the child, not dad, from what I read

... and yeah, mom, being the primary caregiver gets to decide in this situation

Quoting sha_lyn68:


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

if you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it...

it may have been his great grandmother, but he didn't know her, and he won't regret having missed the funeral in future, so there's no reason for him to be there.

you will just have to stand firm with grandma... this is the way you want it, and this is the way it's going to be, period.

sorry for not having any advice to make it easier for her to swallow

Her son's father also wants him to go. The OP isn't the only parent their son has. She doesn't get total control over what their son does.





devynsmommy09
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:49 AM

1.  We don't have a court order....not sure where that came from.  We went to mediation, nothing is set in stone.  Although I HAVE urged him to file for formal visitation several times.  He refuses whcih shows how much he cares about his kid.

2.  Im not using Devyn as a pawn.  He needs to realize that he can't pop in and out of his sons life.

3.  This particular thread is mostly about the GRANDMOTHER, my MIL who wants to take my son to a funeral in Charleston for a woman that he never met.  Which I dont agree with.  Ive been consistent about that.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

You really need to take the chip off off your shoulder and stop using your son as a pawn in your game of revenge against your ex. You've even admitted that you refused to let your ex take his son the last 3 times he has tried to. Hopefully your ex will enforce the court order and make you let him see his son.

Quoting devynsmommy09:

I am willing to let him go spend time with the other half of his family, I'm just not sold on the funeral.  The child's father shows up a few times a year and expects to take my child 1.5 hours away to a funeral.  Negative.  He doesn't even have a working phone right now.  If it were just his father, it would be a no...hands down.   

The MIL does make an effort to call and see him, mostly on/around holidays.  She is much more responsible than the father and we have a better relationship.  With her my apprehension is that I feel like as his mother, Death is something that I should be talking to him about, not anyone else.  Ive only been going to church for a few months so I can't relay it to him via religion.  And since we don't know the deceased, he still isnt going to understand even if I try!  How can you miss something that was never there?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.



 



sha_lyn68
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:50 AM

A three year old is old enough to talk to about death. Like I said, I spelled it out pretty clearly in my other answer. I'm not going to rehash the whole thing, but I included details about my children. Also I said cousins, not cousin.

Not certain what chicken pox parties have to do with funerals, but a chicken pox party makes a whole lot more sense than a vaccination with such a high failure rate. It also makes a lot more sense for a 3 yr old to have the chicken pox than it does for an adult.

Quoting specialwingz:

So your cousin freaked.  And, at 30, too.  Sounds like a personal problem to me.  Doesn't make it right to take a 3 year old when it isn't necessary.  That's about like throwing a chicken pox party.  GEEZ!  i do understand that death is a part of life and that kids can be introduced to it.  But, at least when they are old enough to talk to about it.  To explain what is going on and prepeare them for what they are going to see and experience.  

No, a funeral is NOT a typical 3 year old activity.  JSMDH.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

I've already spelled out my reasons in another answer (my cousins who never saw a dead body until they were in their 30s freaked out when our grandmother died. I gave a very detailed explination in my first post to this thread) and others on here have given very good reasons also. 

When a family member dies and there is a 3 yr old in the family, yes a funeral should be a typical activity.

Quoting specialwingz:

Because a funeral is not exactly a typical 3 year old activity.  Duh!  Most people I know that have taken their small children did so simply because they didn't have a choice (sitter).  Can you actually name ANY truly GOOD reason the child SHOULD go to this funeral?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.







sha_lyn68
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:54 AM

1 Did the mediation not result in a binding visitation order? You said you agreed to every other weekend.

2 Yes you are using your son. You admitted that you've refused to let him take your son.

3 Sure it is, that's why you've mentioned things like the new girl friend being an escort, because that has everything to do with the grandmother...NOT

Quoting devynsmommy09:

1.  We don't have a court order....not sure where that came from.  We went to mediation, nothing is set in stone.  Although I HAVE urged him to file for formal visitation several times.  He refuses whcih shows how much he cares about his kid.

2.  Im not using Devyn as a pawn.  He needs to realize that he can't pop in and out of his sons life.

3.  This particular thread is mostly about the GRANDMOTHER, my MIL who wants to take my son to a funeral in Charleston for a woman that he never met.  Which I dont agree with.  Ive been consistent about that.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

You really need to take the chip off off your shoulder and stop using your son as a pawn in your game of revenge against your ex. You've even admitted that you refused to let your ex take his son the last 3 times he has tried to. Hopefully your ex will enforce the court order and make you let him see his son.

Quoting devynsmommy09:

I am willing to let him go spend time with the other half of his family, I'm just not sold on the funeral.  The child's father shows up a few times a year and expects to take my child 1.5 hours away to a funeral.  Negative.  He doesn't even have a working phone right now.  If it were just his father, it would be a no...hands down.   

The MIL does make an effort to call and see him, mostly on/around holidays.  She is much more responsible than the father and we have a better relationship.  With her my apprehension is that I feel like as his mother, Death is something that I should be talking to him about, not anyone else.  Ive only been going to church for a few months so I can't relay it to him via religion.  And since we don't know the deceased, he still isnt going to understand even if I try!  How can you miss something that was never there?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.







devynsmommy09
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:56 AM

If you are going to bash me, don't comment on my thread.

Clearly your ex must be shitting gold or something.  If my ex was responsible, kept a job, kept a working phone, had a stable place to live then we could talk about reinstating the visitation that he agreed to already which was WEEKEND only.  Every time he has asked to keep Devyn I have asked if he wants visitation reinstated so that we can lay down the rules about that.  He always says no...he just wants what he wants when he wants it.  Life doesn't work that way.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Moms also admitted she refused to let dad see their son the last several times he has tried. Maybe they both figured it was better for grandma to ask since the OP is being such a bitch to the dad.

Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I did... it's grandma who has asked to be met so she can take the child, not dad... mom said she hasn't talked to dad about the funeral since early September, so explain again who has reading comprehension issues?

Quoting Ihold8Stars:

Maybe you should read it again...


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I didn't get the impression that the guy who is dating an escort had a whole lot to do with the situation, beyond bringing it up months before the deceased even died... it's grandma who has now demanded the child's presence, and who intends to bring the child, not dad, from what I read

... and yeah, mom, being the primary caregiver gets to decide in this situation

Quoting sha_lyn68:


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

if you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it...

it may have been his great grandmother, but he didn't know her, and he won't regret having missed the funeral in future, so there's no reason for him to be there.

you will just have to stand firm with grandma... this is the way you want it, and this is the way it's going to be, period.

sorry for not having any advice to make it easier for her to swallow

Her son's father also wants him to go. The OP isn't the only parent their son has. She doesn't get total control over what their son does.






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