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Should a 3 Year Old Attend a Funeral?

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Question: Woud you let him go?

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Yes

No

Only If I Went With Him


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Total Votes: 510

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So...a while ago, my ex TOLD me that he was taking my son to a funeral.  I told him I didn't think appropriate...the argument was cut short when I found out that the woman (his paternal grandmother) hadn't even died yet!!!  This was two months ago.

Well...she died Friday.  The funeral is Saturday.

Since my last argument with my ex and his new gf (an escort) in early September, I havent heard from either of them about the funearl again.

Well my ex mother in law called me last night.  Not knowing any better, I answer the phone.  She proceeds to tell me that she wants to take Devyn to the funeral on Saturday and asked if I can meet her in Orageburg on Friday.

For the first time in my life, I didn't beat around the bush.  I flat out said...no, I don't think its appropriate for a 3 year old to go to a funeral.  She gets quiet and tells me that she doesn't see a problem with him going and that I am welcome to come if I fear for his safety....clearly she isn't getting it so I ask her if Devyn has ever met the deceased...she says no...I say so...don't you think its strange to take a 3 year old to a funeral for someone he has never met?  She spends another two minutes or so justifying it and then tells me to think about it.

I have a pretty decent relationship with her.  I bring Devyn to her whenever she is in town and she does little things for him (sends him money a few times a year, buys him presents on Christmas and birthday) and I really hate to ruin the relationship but it also upsets me that she doesn't acknowledge that I as a mother am saying that I don't feel comfortable with it and she keeps pushing.

What would you guys do?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 9:39 AM
Replies (281-290):
sha_lyn68
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:02 AM

WTF said I have an ex deary?

I can comment on any thread I like. I can't help it that you don't like being called out for what you've said.

Quoting devynsmommy09:

If you are going to bash me, don't comment on my thread.

Clearly your ex must be shitting gold or something.  If my ex was responsible, kept a job, kept a working phone, had a stable place to live then we could talk about reinstating the visitation that he agreed to already which was WEEKEND only.  Every time he has asked to keep Devyn I have asked if he wants visitation reinstated so that we can lay down the rules about that.  He always says no...he just wants what he wants when he wants it.  Life doesn't work that way.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Moms also admitted she refused to let dad see their son the last several times he has tried. Maybe they both figured it was better for grandma to ask since the OP is being such a bitch to the dad.

Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I did... it's grandma who has asked to be met so she can take the child, not dad... mom said she hasn't talked to dad about the funeral since early September, so explain again who has reading comprehension issues?

Quoting Ihold8Stars:

Maybe you should read it again...


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I didn't get the impression that the guy who is dating an escort had a whole lot to do with the situation, beyond bringing it up months before the deceased even died... it's grandma who has now demanded the child's presence, and who intends to bring the child, not dad, from what I read

... and yeah, mom, being the primary caregiver gets to decide in this situation

Quoting sha_lyn68:


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

if you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it...

it may have been his great grandmother, but he didn't know her, and he won't regret having missed the funeral in future, so there's no reason for him to be there.

you will just have to stand firm with grandma... this is the way you want it, and this is the way it's going to be, period.

sorry for not having any advice to make it easier for her to swallow

Her son's father also wants him to go. The OP isn't the only parent their son has. She doesn't get total control over what their son does.







jonnlilithsmom
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:02 AM
1 mom liked this

yeah, sorry, but I tend not to want to slog through the comments... as for mom being a bitch, might there be a reason for that?  maybe dad deserves the treatment he gets?  I won't judge because I don't know the situation, and was only speaking to THIS one about 3 year olds and funerals

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Moms also admitted she refused to let dad see their son the last several times he has tried. Maybe they both figured it was better for grandma to ask since the OP is being such a bitch to the dad.

Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I did... it's grandma who has asked to be met so she can take the child, not dad... mom said she hasn't talked to dad about the funeral since early September, so explain again who has reading comprehension issues?

Quoting Ihold8Stars:

Maybe you should read it again...


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I didn't get the impression that the guy who is dating an escort had a whole lot to do with the situation, beyond bringing it up months before the deceased even died... it's grandma who has now demanded the child's presence, and who intends to bring the child, not dad, from what I read

... and yeah, mom, being the primary caregiver gets to decide in this situation

Quoting sha_lyn68:


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

if you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it...

it may have been his great grandmother, but he didn't know her, and he won't regret having missed the funeral in future, so there's no reason for him to be there.

you will just have to stand firm with grandma... this is the way you want it, and this is the way it's going to be, period.

sorry for not having any advice to make it easier for her to swallow

Her son's father also wants him to go. The OP isn't the only parent their son has. She doesn't get total control over what their son does.






devynsmommy09
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:04 AM
1 mom liked this

1.  No, the mediation resulted in a non legally binding agreement between the two of us.  In May when we broke things off he decided to neglect the visitation agreement for THREE MONTHS.  He broke the agreement, not me.  And he has since had several opportunities to regain that priveledge which he has not attempted to act on.  He only wants him for a day here and there.  Devyn is 3 and he is aware of what is going on now, he has to be consistent.

2.  No.  I am not.  I refused to let him take my son for good reason.  Devyn is the most important person in my life and clearly I'm the only one (out of myself and his father) that gives a damn about him.  If dad cared, he would try to see his son CONSISTENTLY, pay his child support and do the things he knows he should (such as keeping a job).

3.  His new gf being an escort bothers me, yes.  I was fine with the two before her.  I feel like he has no right to bring a hooker around my kid.  I don't think thats an unusual concern...

Quoting sha_lyn68:

1 Did the mediation not result in a binding visitation order? You said you agreed to every other weekend.

2 Yes you are using your son. You admitted that you've refused to let him take your son.

3 Sure it is, that's why you've mentioned things like the new girl friend being an escort, because that has everything to do with the grandmother...NOT

Quoting devynsmommy09:

1.  We don't have a court order....not sure where that came from.  We went to mediation, nothing is set in stone.  Although I HAVE urged him to file for formal visitation several times.  He refuses whcih shows how much he cares about his kid.

2.  Im not using Devyn as a pawn.  He needs to realize that he can't pop in and out of his sons life.

3.  This particular thread is mostly about the GRANDMOTHER, my MIL who wants to take my son to a funeral in Charleston for a woman that he never met.  Which I dont agree with.  Ive been consistent about that.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

You really need to take the chip off off your shoulder and stop using your son as a pawn in your game of revenge against your ex. You've even admitted that you refused to let your ex take his son the last 3 times he has tried to. Hopefully your ex will enforce the court order and make you let him see his son.

Quoting devynsmommy09:

I am willing to let him go spend time with the other half of his family, I'm just not sold on the funeral.  The child's father shows up a few times a year and expects to take my child 1.5 hours away to a funeral.  Negative.  He doesn't even have a working phone right now.  If it were just his father, it would be a no...hands down.   

The MIL does make an effort to call and see him, mostly on/around holidays.  She is much more responsible than the father and we have a better relationship.  With her my apprehension is that I feel like as his mother, Death is something that I should be talking to him about, not anyone else.  Ive only been going to church for a few months so I can't relay it to him via religion.  And since we don't know the deceased, he still isnt going to understand even if I try!  How can you miss something that was never there?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.



 


 



devynsmommy09
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:07 AM

You are in a SINGLE MOTHERS forum...in case we're having reading comprehension problems again.  If you are a single mom...you have an ex (dead or alive).  If not, you really can't relate to what we are going through so you shouldn't be commenting on it.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

WTF said I have an ex deary?

I can comment on any thread I like. I can't help it that you don't like being called out for what you've said.

Quoting devynsmommy09:

If you are going to bash me, don't comment on my thread.

Clearly your ex must be shitting gold or something.  If my ex was responsible, kept a job, kept a working phone, had a stable place to live then we could talk about reinstating the visitation that he agreed to already which was WEEKEND only.  Every time he has asked to keep Devyn I have asked if he wants visitation reinstated so that we can lay down the rules about that.  He always says no...he just wants what he wants when he wants it.  Life doesn't work that way.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Moms also admitted she refused to let dad see their son the last several times he has tried. Maybe they both figured it was better for grandma to ask since the OP is being such a bitch to the dad.

Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I did... it's grandma who has asked to be met so she can take the child, not dad... mom said she hasn't talked to dad about the funeral since early September, so explain again who has reading comprehension issues?

Quoting Ihold8Stars:

Maybe you should read it again...


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I didn't get the impression that the guy who is dating an escort had a whole lot to do with the situation, beyond bringing it up months before the deceased even died... it's grandma who has now demanded the child's presence, and who intends to bring the child, not dad, from what I read

... and yeah, mom, being the primary caregiver gets to decide in this situation

Quoting sha_lyn68:


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

if you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it...

it may have been his great grandmother, but he didn't know her, and he won't regret having missed the funeral in future, so there's no reason for him to be there.

you will just have to stand firm with grandma... this is the way you want it, and this is the way it's going to be, period.

sorry for not having any advice to make it easier for her to swallow

Her son's father also wants him to go. The OP isn't the only parent their son has. She doesn't get total control over what their son does.





 



fairchildsgirl
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:09 AM
1 mom liked this
Regardless of whether the child knows or doesn't know the deceased it may make them uncomfortable and upset to be around other people who are upset and it may also hurt the grandma grandson relationship. Now if this was a person who was in they're everyday life and were extremely close to I would say they should go but otherwise no. It's also kinda rude and disrespectful to family who are greiving to bring a three year old who may disrupt things that didn't even know the deceased.
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emmabeastsmom
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:13 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't see the point of him going if he never met her, even if she is family.  If they had met and had some sort of a relationship, I would be a little more ok with it, however, I still don't really see the point.  My uncle is very close to dying, my children have met him numerous times, they are 4 and almost 2, however, I will likely see if I can get someone to watch them for the visitation and funeral as I don't see the point of them going. 

childofgod04
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:20 AM

If it's someone my child knows or was a family member or close friend then yes I would. I went to my grandfathers funeral when i was 5. I think younger children understand better and won't cause problems. Since he didn't know her then I don't know if I would let him go. But since she was a family member of his technically then maybe. You could always go with him.

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fairchildsgirl
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:23 AM
3 moms liked this
Also you're trying to be a good momma. Just ignore those who have made this (for whatever reason :/) a personal vendetta for them to settle. Some people are just not happy unless they're arguing with someone about something or making someone else miserable. They really have no place to say...... Unless they're hookers too and took offense lol : D.
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devynsmommy09
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:23 AM

I think thats what I'm going to end up doing...going with him.  I just want to be there to explain any questions he has and then after, if they want him for family time, I can head back to Columbia and she can bring him home when the festivities are over.

Quoting childofgod04:

If it's someone my child knows or was a family member or close friend then yes I would. I went to my grandfathers funeral when i was 5. I think younger children understand better and won't cause problems. Since he didn't know her then I don't know if I would let him go. But since she was a family member of his technically then maybe. You could always go with him.


NakeshaMika
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:27 AM
If it is his grandparent, even if he has never met them, I would still let him go. The family is going through a loss and I imagine they want all of their family in one place. I'm sure there will be a lot of out of town family there as well that your ex mother in law would like to introduce your son to. My daughter has been to a few funerals, 3 is too young to worry about understanding what a funeral is.
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