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Should a 3 Year Old Attend a Funeral?

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Poll

Question: Woud you let him go?

Options:

Yes

No

Only If I Went With Him


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Total Votes: 510

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So...a while ago, my ex TOLD me that he was taking my son to a funeral.  I told him I didn't think appropriate...the argument was cut short when I found out that the woman (his paternal grandmother) hadn't even died yet!!!  This was two months ago.

Well...she died Friday.  The funeral is Saturday.

Since my last argument with my ex and his new gf (an escort) in early September, I havent heard from either of them about the funearl again.

Well my ex mother in law called me last night.  Not knowing any better, I answer the phone.  She proceeds to tell me that she wants to take Devyn to the funeral on Saturday and asked if I can meet her in Orageburg on Friday.

For the first time in my life, I didn't beat around the bush.  I flat out said...no, I don't think its appropriate for a 3 year old to go to a funeral.  She gets quiet and tells me that she doesn't see a problem with him going and that I am welcome to come if I fear for his safety....clearly she isn't getting it so I ask her if Devyn has ever met the deceased...she says no...I say so...don't you think its strange to take a 3 year old to a funeral for someone he has never met?  She spends another two minutes or so justifying it and then tells me to think about it.

I have a pretty decent relationship with her.  I bring Devyn to her whenever she is in town and she does little things for him (sends him money a few times a year, buys him presents on Christmas and birthday) and I really hate to ruin the relationship but it also upsets me that she doesn't acknowledge that I as a mother am saying that I don't feel comfortable with it and she keeps pushing.

What would you guys do?

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 9:39 AM
Replies (291-300):
specialwingz
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:28 AM
1 mom liked this

Ok...I can see you're one of those parents who prefer to inflict than prevent or protect.  There is no talking to that type of mentality.  And, I couldn't care less what dissertation you may have posted previously.  It doesn't change my opinion on the topic nor about you.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

A three year old is old enough to talk to about death. Like I said, I spelled it out pretty clearly in my other answer. I'm not going to rehash the whole thing, but I included details about my children. Also I said cousins, not cousin.

Not certain what chicken pox parties have to do with funerals, but a chicken pox party makes a whole lot more sense than a vaccination with such a high failure rate. It also makes a lot more sense for a 3 yr old to have the chicken pox than it does for an adult.

Quoting specialwingz:

So your cousin freaked.  And, at 30, too.  Sounds like a personal problem to me.  Doesn't make it right to take a 3 year old when it isn't necessary.  That's about like throwing a chicken pox party.  GEEZ!  i do understand that death is a part of life and that kids can be introduced to it.  But, at least when they are old enough to talk to about it.  To explain what is going on and prepeare them for what they are going to see and experience.  

No, a funeral is NOT a typical 3 year old activity.  JSMDH.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

I've already spelled out my reasons in another answer (my cousins who never saw a dead body until they were in their 30s freaked out when our grandmother died. I gave a very detailed explination in my first post to this thread) and others on here have given very good reasons also. 

When a family member dies and there is a 3 yr old in the family, yes a funeral should be a typical activity.

Quoting specialwingz:

Because a funeral is not exactly a typical 3 year old activity.  Duh!  Most people I know that have taken their small children did so simply because they didn't have a choice (sitter).  Can you actually name ANY truly GOOD reason the child SHOULD go to this funeral?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.








blue_apalt
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:41 AM
This sounds like a great plan, imo. Gl


Quoting devynsmommy09:

I think thats what I'm going to end up doing...going with him.  I just want to be there to explain any questions he has and then after, if they want him for family time, I can head back to Columbia and she can bring him home when the festivities are over.


Quoting childofgod04:


If it's someone my child knows or was a family member or close friend then yes I would. I went to my grandfathers funeral when i was 5. I think younger children understand better and won't cause problems. Since he didn't know her then I don't know if I would let him go. But since she was a family member of his technically then maybe. You could always go with him.




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
childofgod04
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:50 AM

That's a good idea. He may not understand what is going on and may want to know. It would be good for his mom to explain instead of someone else. 

Quoting devynsmommy09:

I think thats what I'm going to end up doing...going with him.  I just want to be there to explain any questions he has and then after, if they want him for family time, I can head back to Columbia and she can bring him home when the festivities are over.

Quoting childofgod04:

If it's someone my child knows or was a family member or close friend then yes I would. I went to my grandfathers funeral when i was 5. I think younger children understand better and won't cause problems. Since he didn't know her then I don't know if I would let him go. But since she was a family member of his technically then maybe. You could always go with him.



sha_lyn68
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:52 AM

ROFLMAO...... So you are one of those people like my aunt and uncle who over protects your children to the point where they are emotionally stunted and can't function as adults. Good luck in continuing to have to raise your children far into adulthood. When you die they'll be so shocked at the realities of the world that they'll be even more messed up.

Quoting specialwingz:

Ok...I can see you're one of those parents who prefer to inflict than prevent or protect.  There is no talking to that type of mentality.  And, I couldn't care less what dissertation you may have posted previously.  It doesn't change my opinion on the topic nor about you.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

A three year old is old enough to talk to about death. Like I said, I spelled it out pretty clearly in my other answer. I'm not going to rehash the whole thing, but I included details about my children. Also I said cousins, not cousin.

Not certain what chicken pox parties have to do with funerals, but a chicken pox party makes a whole lot more sense than a vaccination with such a high failure rate. It also makes a lot more sense for a 3 yr old to have the chicken pox than it does for an adult.

Quoting specialwingz:

So your cousin freaked.  And, at 30, too.  Sounds like a personal problem to me.  Doesn't make it right to take a 3 year old when it isn't necessary.  That's about like throwing a chicken pox party.  GEEZ!  i do understand that death is a part of life and that kids can be introduced to it.  But, at least when they are old enough to talk to about it.  To explain what is going on and prepeare them for what they are going to see and experience.  

No, a funeral is NOT a typical 3 year old activity.  JSMDH.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

I've already spelled out my reasons in another answer (my cousins who never saw a dead body until they were in their 30s freaked out when our grandmother died. I gave a very detailed explination in my first post to this thread) and others on here have given very good reasons also. 

When a family member dies and there is a 3 yr old in the family, yes a funeral should be a typical activity.

Quoting specialwingz:

Because a funeral is not exactly a typical 3 year old activity.  Duh!  Most people I know that have taken their small children did so simply because they didn't have a choice (sitter).  Can you actually name ANY truly GOOD reason the child SHOULD go to this funeral?

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Why do you think it is odd for the father and grandmother to want to take the boy to his great grandmother's funeral? There is absolutely nothing odd about it other than the OPs reaction.

Quoting specialwingz:

I think it's more about someone asking to take the 3 year old to a funeral.  It's not like his mom is going to a funeral of a close family member and not sure about taking the child.  It's someone ASKING her to take HER child to a funeral.  I find that odd and highly inappropriate.

Quoting boeks:

I took my son to at least two funerals befor he was 5. He was very good for me. I think young children understand better what's going on and respond well. I've seen several small children at funerals and they seem to be more concerned with making people feel better then causing trouble.









sha_lyn68
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:55 AM

I don't give a damn what forum I'm on. You post was/is featured in the Top Conversations section of the main page. You are the one with a reading comprehension problem since you can't see by looking next to our user names that many of use posting are not members of this group

Quoting devynsmommy09:

You are in a SINGLE MOTHERS forum...in case we're having reading comprehension problems again.  If you are a single mom...you have an ex (dead or alive).  If not, you really can't relate to what we are going through so you shouldn't be commenting on it.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

WTF said I have an ex deary?

I can comment on any thread I like. I can't help it that you don't like being called out for what you've said.

Quoting devynsmommy09:

If you are going to bash me, don't comment on my thread.

Clearly your ex must be shitting gold or something.  If my ex was responsible, kept a job, kept a working phone, had a stable place to live then we could talk about reinstating the visitation that he agreed to already which was WEEKEND only.  Every time he has asked to keep Devyn I have asked if he wants visitation reinstated so that we can lay down the rules about that.  He always says no...he just wants what he wants when he wants it.  Life doesn't work that way.

Quoting sha_lyn68:

Moms also admitted she refused to let dad see their son the last several times he has tried. Maybe they both figured it was better for grandma to ask since the OP is being such a bitch to the dad.

Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I did... it's grandma who has asked to be met so she can take the child, not dad... mom said she hasn't talked to dad about the funeral since early September, so explain again who has reading comprehension issues?

Quoting Ihold8Stars:

Maybe you should read it again...


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

I didn't get the impression that the guy who is dating an escort had a whole lot to do with the situation, beyond bringing it up months before the deceased even died... it's grandma who has now demanded the child's presence, and who intends to bring the child, not dad, from what I read

... and yeah, mom, being the primary caregiver gets to decide in this situation

Quoting sha_lyn68:


Quoting jonnlilithsmom:

if you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it...

it may have been his great grandmother, but he didn't know her, and he won't regret having missed the funeral in future, so there's no reason for him to be there.

you will just have to stand firm with grandma... this is the way you want it, and this is the way it's going to be, period.

sorry for not having any advice to make it easier for her to swallow

Her son's father also wants him to go. The OP isn't the only parent their son has. She doesn't get total control over what their son does.









lilpep100
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:59 AM
Mine went to funerals at young ages, but they knew them. I don't take my children to funerals if they didn't really know the person. My 12 yr old had been to around 5. She went to one with me for my best friends mom, but it was out of town and I didn't have dh to stay at a house to watch her.
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Melnug
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:15 PM
If your son has never even met this woman than why do they even want him to go? That's silly. I think if he knew the woman then yes a 3 year old should go. Death is a part of life and funerals are how people mourn. It should be explained to them that this person is not coming back. As long as it's not your ex's day. No you should not let him go because like is said, that's silly.
Melnug
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:28 PM
Oh but remember two can play that game and if you ever have a funeral (and your son could be an age you are more comfortable with) on his day, whether your son knew the person or not. He could be more likely to say no.
Acalhoun
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:49 PM

This sort of decision is extremely situation-dependent.

Certain things need to be taken into consideration:

- does your son know the person the funeral is for?

- is he familiar with anyone that is going to be attending.

- would there be family members there that would like to meet him, and wouldn't have any other chances otherwise

- is he mature enough to handle explanations of what is going on, if he asks?

- is he mature enough to sit through the service(s)?

When my DH's mother passed away our 3 kids were still very young. Our oldest was only about 7 at the time, with the youngest being just a baby in a carrier still.

We did take them to the funeral because it was their grandmother whom they knew.  We did take them up to see her in the casket, but they didn't ask a ton of questions.  Then, during the actual service, because they were restless and fidgety, I took them downstairs to the lounge and stayed there with them for the remainder of the service.

They were given flowers to put on the casket at the graveside service, and they did as instructed, but I don't think they fully grasped the meaning of it all.

As far as your situation. You need to have more argument points besides "it's not appropriate for a 3-year old". Go through some of the above questions and bring these up to your ex MIL and perhaps then it will be clearer to her.

boots945
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:58 PM

No, a funeral can tramatize a 3 year old.  Please use your head

 

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