I have a problem that I am not sure how to handle. I've asked friends and family and no one knows what to tell me.
My mom and I are close and she loves my little girl. We visit her a lot and she helps me by watching my DD when I run errands like groceries or when I work on weekends. My mom has been married to a guy for the last 7 years who isn't the greatest guy (he won't work, is very jealous, and can be mean to my mom, threatens to take her for everything if she tries to leave him) but she chooses to stay with him despite the whole family telling her to leave. I do what I can for her but I can't make her leave him. He and I have very little in common and he knows I don't approve of him, but he has always been very nice to my DD so I have tolerated him.
My daughter is 1 ½ and she doesn't handle cow milk or ice cream well. It gives her painful diarrhea and horrible diaper rash, so we drink almond milk and avoid most dairy. She's been having problems again and I had her on a pro-biotic and was getting ready to have her tested for food allergies to find out what else could be setting her stomach off. Then a couple weeks ago when I went to my mom's for my step-sister's bday. There was an ice cream cake and my mom got DD a brownie so she wouldn't be left out. When I looked across the room I saw my mother's husband feeding DD ice cream. When I asked what he was doing he told me "I didn't f@!king know what I was talking about and that my kid wasn't allergic to ice cream and he could feed it to her if he wanted". I packed up my daughter and we left and have not been back. Since this episode my DD's bowel issues have cleared up and even though I can't prove it I think he has been feeding her ice cream when she's over there and making her sick.
I told my mom that I would not be disrespected that way and that as long as my daughter was healthy and I wasn't hurting her, no one had the right to disregard my choices for her. I also told her I no longer trusted her husband around my daughter and that I thought her home was abusive. She talked about how I was right and that she was leaving him, but she hasn't and I know she won't, she never does.
I don't want my daughter to grow up without her grandma, but I'm not sure how to avoid it. I don't think her husband was trying to hurt DD, but he has no respect for me or the decisions I make for my daughter. He treats me like I am stupid when I set rules for her and he undermines my parenting (there are other things he does but it's been just slightly rude til now.) I do not want to be anywhere near him and I don't want DD around him. He won't work and is almost always at the house so I cannot stop by when he's gone. I have invited my mother to my home or to meet somewhere, but she rarely leaves her house except work. Now she keeps telling me how much she misses DD and I know she wants me to give in and pretend like nothing happened. I think that if I pretend, then I am just as bad as her for putting up with him and that it is a horrible example for my daughter.
Is there a compromise here that I'm not seeing?