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You can catch more flies with sugar...

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So, my previous post shed light on the fact that my daughter's father is just insincere in love period. To sum it up, we dated 10 months, I fell in love, we planned to have a baby and continue to be good friends regardless of where the relationship went. I honestly thought he was a great man to have a baby with, and likewise he thought the same for me. Fast forward to 2 months gestation and he dropped into an abyss. He was unreachable in ways he could easily be reached before. I sucked it up, realized I would be a single mom, and went on. @ 7 months I found out he had gotten married the same weekend I lost all contact with him! I was furious, betrayed, hurt, felt stupid, etc.

I reached out by email and phone to the wife. She had done some digging and asked him about me previously, but he denied us being involved and me being pregnant! She believed him and left it alone. She was receptive and compassionate, but still believes her husband is not capable of turning his back on a child he knows is his. I emailed him some nasty things about him! She took offense and misunderstood so many comments in my emails. She honestly flipped my words and thought I was dissing her to get in between them, when I was not referencing her at all! I'm pretty sure he helped create that feeling for her. So she emailed me a really degrading email, and I didn't respond, just blocked her. Unfortunately for her, he has recentky added a few new online profiles soliciting discreet 1 on 1 sex! I found them by googling his screenname. He says he's married, but wanting side relations. This is why I say he's insincere in love. Anyhoo, The past 3 months I've had no contact with either of them, until yesterday. I filed child support when my daughter was 7 days old. She is a month now.

He was notified Monday by phone that he needed to contact my city's office. I called him yesterday to see if he returned the call. He in fact did, and has no problem paying child support. I was in shock, because last contact he was adamantly denying me and our unborn daughter! Well, I decided that since he wants to be involved, as he states (beyond CS) I would let him. I told him that even though he has not owned up to his indiscretions, I forgive him, because I must for our daughter's sale. I also called and made amends with his wife. They were the 2 most cleansing actions I have done since delivering. Why, you ask? Because when you forgive you make more room in your heart for love, peace, and joy. Forgiveness is for you.

I realize that bitterness and misunderstandings left unchecked create so much tension and unneeded drama. The air needed to be cleared in order for my daughter to be in her father's life, scumbag of a mate he is, he is a good dad to his other kids ( even her 2 that aren't his). I'd much rather risk the chance of sending my daughter for visitations to a non-hostile environment! So yea, my intentions are pure, but I also realize you must put out what you want to receive. Wish me and my daughter luck that all adults involved keep level heads and keep her best interest in mind. I just pray he is a better dad, and way more genuine, than he is as a partner. Rant over. Lol.
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 7:39 AM
Replies (11-13):
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 8:39 AM
Quoting brieri:

 catch more flies with sugar? that's a new one - I thought was honey. 

It's good to forgive, but don't always count on what the others say.

Agreed, that's why child support had already been filed. That's one thing that is non negotiable. If he proves not to be worthy of our child, I'll have at least tried.
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 9:24 AM
1 mom liked this

Damn girl!  I don't even know where to start on that....again I really admire that you forgave him but I have no idea how you did it.  I guess I do "blame the woman" sometimes.  I've only been on this forum for a month or so but I'm finding that a lot of women on here have this misplaced "victim" mentality.  Sometimes they are completely entitled to it...such as in your case, there are some real jerks out there...and sometimes it is just flat out delusional. 

I can say that while you never really know a man...I absolutely believe that it takes more than ten months to know him well enough to procreate in MOST cases.  You have to meet his family, see him interact with his friends.  Sometimes the family/friends will tell you stuff you didnt know but needed to.

I'm not an expert on anything.  I just come here to give and get opinions about the roller coaster of single motherhood.  I did it the "right way" (or so I thought) dated for 4 years, got married, got pregnant and then found out he had a secret life that I wasn't part of.  So clearly my method didn't work very well.

I didn't mean to put you down.  I just want everyone to be realistic about their situations and understand the ways that they probably may have contributed to it.

Quoting SoNLove1982:


Quoting devynsmommy09:

Couple things:
1. I applaud your ability to forgive! That word isnt in my vocabulary yet.

2. Did you know this guy for more than 10 months before you intentionally got pregnant? If not, we may need to re examine the thought process there....

3. You say that you guys decided to have a baby and still be friends. So...if you were only friends why did you het upset when he got married? It almost sounds like the baby was supposed to keep him around.

Anyway, Im glad your story has a happy ending!

Hmmm, I almost took offense to #2 and #3, but I realize that you only know what I've told you, and some people easily want to blame the woman...LOL. But alas, I hope to shed some light on your inquiries:


1) Thank you! You will get there soon I hope, we only hurt ourselves when we can't forgive.


2) No, I didn't know him for more than 10 months. I realize that this is a short amount of time to "plan" to have a baby with someone, and to some people, it doesn't look smart. However, if there were a magic time frame to wait, many moms here would not be in the single moms forum. At any time, even if it were a baby from a marriage, a man has the option to walk away. Sad, but true. My thought process was a bit skewed. For one, we were in a foreign country, and being American among soooo many Asians, did create a bubble. It was almost an alternate universe-type feeling. However, each step in our progression to conceive was discussed by two consenting adults, and then acted upon. There was never an "oops, I forgot to take my birth control," moment. 


3) This was most certainly "not" an attempt to keep him. (See #2). I didn't know I had to "keep" something that I was assured was already mine!? LOL. When we returned to the US, and he dropped off the face of the Earth, is when I realized I was left to do it alone. I always knew that was a possibility, because we weren't married (as if that changes things), and in all my planning, I planned for this as well.

I was very upset when I found out he was married (5 months into my pregnancy) because the one thing he agreed to do, regardless of where "we" stood, was to make sure he was there for me emotionally during my pregnancy of our child. I honestly thought we were at least good for that much. AND, he got married 1 month after us returning to the States (to different states), which meant he had been double-timing me the entire time!! He had a girlfriend at home and lied about it to me. Needless to say, had I remotely known he was involved with someone else, in the foreign country or back here, I would not have been involved with him in any way. He knows that, because it was part of our initial discussion before starting a relationship. So I defintely felt betrayed, and justly livid at finding out he got married.

When I say we agreed to be wasn't in lieu of a relationship, but in the event a relationship didn't work out. He already knew his intentions, I just didn't know they weren't the same as mine.


All in all, I take full responsibility for my part in my precious daughter being here. Even if her dad lied to create her, she's the most beautiful, amazing, result of a lie ever seen!! :-) And that's why I've chosen to move on...

If at any point he proves to be a jerk of a dad, I will promptly remove her from his existence. My child will not grow up jaded and confused; I'm now the guardian to make sure that doesn't happen. 

by Gold Member on Oct. 12, 2012 at 10:45 AM

good for you.  You're doing the right thing - no matter how hard.

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