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I'm not sure what just happend????

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I had a friend come over who I haven't seen in a long time and he walked in the door trying to kiss me. I told him no and kept trying...for 2 hours. He wouldn't leave. He was grabbing my wrists and held them at my sides or tried to get me to touch him. He kept trying to touch me and kiss me. I kept saying no. I would try to walk away and he followed me around my house. He kept cornering me against walls or on the couch. We somehow ended up in my bedroom and he picked me up, threw me on the bed and got on top of me. He put his knee between my legs and held my head so I couldn't move it and kept kissing me. I was pushing his chest so hard my arms were shaking and telling him no. He finally just stopped. I walked outside with him were we smoked a cigarette (which I haven't done in a long time) and I told him to leave. He left and said "We'll pick this up where we left off"

I have no idea what that was. He didn't rape me. He just stopped. He is normally a really nice guy and I am pretty confused as to why that happend. My arms are still shaking and I don't know how to feel about it...

by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 4:11 PM
Replies (21-23):
LauraMH
by Bronze Member on Oct. 15, 2012 at 12:08 PM

Thank you very much for this response. After I read it, what I did made sense. My ex was abusive. I had been with him since I was 17 and after 10 years we just divorced this year. He is really the only experience I have with men. A lot of what this "friend" did reminded me of me ex, except he wouldn't have stopped. With my ex, I was used to just doing what he wanted to make him stop (or finish what he was doing) and my survival mechanism was to keep him calm. With the friend this weekend I really did not want to do anything but I tried to keep him calm (just like you said).

I am in counseling for domestic violence and I see her once a week. She is out of town this week so I won't be able to see her until next Tuesday but I will talk to her about it. Thank you again for you kind words and for stating it in a way that made me understand.

Quoting MsLogansMommy:

Its actually not odd at all its a perfectly normal response depending on your background and history. If you have ever been in any kind of voluntary abusive situation (and by voluntary I mean husband or boyfriend) than a normal response to fear of being attacked is to try and calm the attacker down and let them believe that you are no threat to them (and by threat I mean threat of legal action) once the attacker no longer feels there are repurcusions then they can come out of attack mode and either leave like this person did or go back to the normal routine of showing remorse and being sorry (if it is a boyfriend or husband). This is typical victim behavior I hope you wont be offended by me suggesting therapy but I think it may help you to avoid being a victim in the future and to notice the signs.  

Quoting LauraMH:

My house is very small and I had my back against the wall in the hallway while he has in front of me but had his back turned slightly to the living room. I was trying to move away but since he was blocking the way to the living room I could only step backwards and the hall ends at my bedroom. At that point is when he pick me up.

And honestly I have no idea why I smoked with him. I haven't even smoked since January. I had been trying to get him outside to leave and when he finally got off of me, I said "lets go outside and smoke". I am not sure what I was thinking but I guess I though if I could get him out, I wouldn't have to let him back in. It was just odd and I didn't know how to respond.

Quoting conniejo75:

I am sorry but things aren't adding up for me. If he was being aggressive why would you let him in the bedroom with you? And then you say he almost raped you but then went out and had a cigarette with him? To me that sounds like mixed messages.

 

 


MsLogansMommy
by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 12:21 PM

I am glad to hear you are in counseling I have been in counseling for quite a while now and I have come a long way I know too well what you have gone through and I know this exact scenario somehow we feel like we are responsible for the situation and we feel like we can control if it escalates or not and in this case it worked it may not work next time the "appropriate" response from someone who has not been through what we have is to be shocked not numb and to immediately scream or call the police and that can also turn situations bad so I think at the time you did what you had to do to keep yourself safe but as soon as he left that is when I would have called the police (I always refrain from saying that is what "you should have" done because I wasnt there and have no right to judge someone elses action) I do hope you seriously consider calling the police or getting a restraining order take care

Quoting LauraMH:

Thank you very much for this response. After I read it, what I did made sense. My ex was abusive. I had been with him since I was 17 and after 10 years we just divorced this year. He is really the only experience I have with men. A lot of what this "friend" did reminded me of me ex, except he wouldn't have stopped. With my ex, I was used to just doing what he wanted to make him stop (or finish what he was doing) and my survival mechanism was to keep him calm. With the friend this weekend I really did not want to do anything but I tried to keep him calm (just like you said).

I am in counseling for domestic violence and I see her once a week. She is out of town this week so I won't be able to see her until next Tuesday but I will talk to her about it. Thank you again for you kind words and for stating it in a way that made me understand.

Quoting MsLogansMommy:

Its actually not odd at all its a perfectly normal response depending on your background and history. If you have ever been in any kind of voluntary abusive situation (and by voluntary I mean husband or boyfriend) than a normal response to fear of being attacked is to try and calm the attacker down and let them believe that you are no threat to them (and by threat I mean threat of legal action) once the attacker no longer feels there are repurcusions then they can come out of attack mode and either leave like this person did or go back to the normal routine of showing remorse and being sorry (if it is a boyfriend or husband). This is typical victim behavior I hope you wont be offended by me suggesting therapy but I think it may help you to avoid being a victim in the future and to notice the signs.  

Quoting LauraMH:

My house is very small and I had my back against the wall in the hallway while he has in front of me but had his back turned slightly to the living room. I was trying to move away but since he was blocking the way to the living room I could only step backwards and the hall ends at my bedroom. At that point is when he pick me up.

And honestly I have no idea why I smoked with him. I haven't even smoked since January. I had been trying to get him outside to leave and when he finally got off of me, I said "lets go outside and smoke". I am not sure what I was thinking but I guess I though if I could get him out, I wouldn't have to let him back in. It was just odd and I didn't know how to respond.

Quoting conniejo75:

I am sorry but things aren't adding up for me. If he was being aggressive why would you let him in the bedroom with you? And then you say he almost raped you but then went out and had a cigarette with him? To me that sounds like mixed messages.

 

 

 


steviechick
by Gold Member on Oct. 15, 2012 at 2:18 PM

Keep your doors locked.  Get a peep hole installed or make sure to ask who it is before you open your door.  Carry a bat with you in your car or keep it next to the front door.  I would definately report this incident to your local police.  They need to record any and all attempts at rape or any other kind of forced physical abuse.  This guy needs to be visited by the cops as well.  Don't take any chances around this guy and be ready for him at every moment.  I would even consider moving to a new place if you can.  Just stay alert and stay safe.

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