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Why am I still so hurt and dissapointed?

Posted by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 8:38 PM
  • 24 Replies
1 mom liked this
My STBX posted on FB yesterday that he is in a new relationship. I only moved out 8 weeks ago! I know he's over me, but I thought he'd wait for a full on relationship until we were actually divorced. He introduced this gal to my son already, then told him not to tell me. All I want is some honesty. If he's dating, tell me first before bringing our son into it. And NEVER tell our son to keep a secret from his mom. I'm not mad that he's dating. I'm not surprised by that at all. But really? Posting it for the world to see on FB? That's just tacky and rude.
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by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 8:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LifeCafe42
by Nora on Oct. 14, 2012 at 8:40 PM
Because its been 8 weeks. Break ups you can go through the normal grieving process. It's normal especially since you share a child
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MommyAJ2921
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 8:43 PM
4 moms liked this

I'd be calling him on the "don't tell mommy" stuff...absolutely...I won't stand for my child lying to me and if you don't want it repeated..here's a thought DO NOT DO IT AROUND OUR CHILDREN. Just my .02.

Robsessed98
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 8:50 PM
Im sure it hurt that he got involved so soon, but it was bound to happen. As far as telling your son not to tell you, thats just WRONG. You cant stop him from telling your son to keep secrets, so you need to strongly etch in your sons mind that it is never right to keep secrets from you, no matter who tells him to.
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Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Oct. 14, 2012 at 8:50 PM
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Yeah the issue I would have a problem with is the "don't tell your mom" part. VERY inappropriate.
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MommyAJ2921
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 8:54 PM
2 moms liked this

Absolutely....do we expect the ex's to remain celibate monks for the rest of eternity? No, but do we expect to know if you're going to have that new special someone in your life around the children WE created together??? DAMN RIGHT! I don't care that my ex dh is gonna date again (if he hasn't started already) but best believe he better sing like a damn songbird when it comes to the woman spending time with MY babies. Sing birdie S I N G. Cuz if I found out from someone OTHER than him? Oh its sooooo NOT gonna be a good look!

Quoting Andrewsmom70:

Yeah the issue I would have a problem with is the "don't tell your mom" part. VERY inappropriate.


MsLogansMommy
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 10:24 PM
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my mother once gave my dd some candy and told her not to tell me I was livid! I explained to her that that is the type of thing predators say to children and once someone who is trustworthy like her grandma makes her think it is ok to lie to mommy that leaves the door open for a pedophile to convince her its ok to not tell mommy. When I hear someone tell a child to not tell mommy that literally makes me want to jump out of my skin. Your bd was absolutely out of line and unintentionally creating a habit that can be extremely unsafe actually dangerous may be a better word he needs to understand how completely wrong that was. Even before I was a mother I would never tell a child not to tell their mother one time we were having a surprise party for my friend and everyone kept telling her 5 year old dont tell your mommy dont tell mama and she came up to me (cause she is my God daughter) and asked why she couldnt tell mommy and I told her you never keep secrets from your mommy you can tell her all about how we planned this party for her as soon as we yell surprise she will be so happy to hear how you helped us plan this party so I told people that we were giving her a mixed message and instead of saying dont tell mommy i was saying when to tell mommy still a little on the line but it definitely felt better than having a child agree to keep a secret from their mother that just doesnt sit right with me at all

Sj218
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 10:44 PM
This isn't the first time he's told our son not to tell me stuff. It's been a pattern already and I have tried to address it with him. His perspective is that if it involves his time with our son, then it's none of my business. I know how wrong that is. I can't imagine EVER saying don't tell dad. I don't know how to get through to him. He thinks I'm such a controlling bitch that he can't see the real issue.


Quoting MsLogansMommy:

my mother once gave my dd some candy and told her not to tell me I was livid! I explained to her that that is the type of thing predators say to children and once someone who is trustworthy like her grandma makes her think it is ok to lie to mommy that leaves the door open for a pedophile to convince her its ok to not tell mommy. When I hear someone tell a child to not tell mommy that literally makes me want to jump out of my skin. Your bd was absolutely out of line and unintentionally creating a habit that can be extremely unsafe actually dangerous may be a better word he needs to understand how completely wrong that was. Even before I was a mother I would never tell a child not to tell their mother one time we were having a surprise party for my friend and everyone kept telling her 5 year old dont tell your mommy dont tell mama and she came up to me (cause she is my God daughter) and asked why she couldnt tell mommy and I told her you never keep secrets from your mommy you can tell her all about how we planned this party for her as soon as we yell surprise she will be so happy to hear how you helped us plan this party so I told people that we were giving her a mixed message and instead of saying dont tell mommy i was saying when to tell mommy still a little on the line but it definitely felt better than having a child agree to keep a secret from their mother that just doesnt sit right with me at all


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MsLogansMommy
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 10:52 PM

I agree with him to a point that his time with his child shouldnt be questioned (sort of...) the thing is as a mom we are never on a day off or even on a break we are their mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Have you told him that you would never ask your child to keep a secret from him? In fact, I dont ask my child to keep secrets from anyone I dont think its fair to ask that of a child and I also think it is teaching deceit I know there are some things that dont need to be shared with the world but in that case I do my best to not let my child be privy to it so that there is nothing that im worried will get said and so that my child is not responsible for keeping the secret. Its just asking a lot of a child and the message it gives is not one I want my child to learn kwim?

I hope he can get on the same page with you on this one maybe you guys could come up with a compromise like say I agree to not ask our kid about what happened at daddys but if he chooses to tell me then he shouldnt feel like he is betraying his dad if something slips out in conversation (i dont know even that sounds like a little too much)

Quoting Sj218:

This isn't the first time he's told our son not to tell me stuff. It's been a pattern already and I have tried to address it with him. His perspective is that if it involves his time with our son, then it's none of my business. I know how wrong that is. I can't imagine EVER saying don't tell dad. I don't know how to get through to him. He thinks I'm such a controlling bitch that he can't see the real issue.


Quoting MsLogansMommy:

my mother once gave my dd some candy and told her not to tell me I was livid! I explained to her that that is the type of thing predators say to children and once someone who is trustworthy like her grandma makes her think it is ok to lie to mommy that leaves the door open for a pedophile to convince her its ok to not tell mommy. When I hear someone tell a child to not tell mommy that literally makes me want to jump out of my skin. Your bd was absolutely out of line and unintentionally creating a habit that can be extremely unsafe actually dangerous may be a better word he needs to understand how completely wrong that was. Even before I was a mother I would never tell a child not to tell their mother one time we were having a surprise party for my friend and everyone kept telling her 5 year old dont tell your mommy dont tell mama and she came up to me (cause she is my God daughter) and asked why she couldnt tell mommy and I told her you never keep secrets from your mommy you can tell her all about how we planned this party for her as soon as we yell surprise she will be so happy to hear how you helped us plan this party so I told people that we were giving her a mixed message and instead of saying dont tell mommy i was saying when to tell mommy still a little on the line but it definitely felt better than having a child agree to keep a secret from their mother that just doesnt sit right with me at all



Sj218
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 11:25 PM
The first time this happened my STBX had spent $9k on a new quad and didn't want our son to tell me. I really could not have cared less. As long as he continues to may me on time and in full, I don't care what he buys. I don see any value in asking an 8 yr old to keep that secret. The second time it was about another woman coming over. After that it was because dad was drinking again ("recovering" alcoholic) and since he didn't get wasted he wanted our son not to tell me that dad was drinking beer. And now the GF. I don't talk to my son about what he did with dad in an effort to spy or be manipulative. I talk to my son because that is just the nature of our relationship. We talk about school, we talk about sports, we talk about dreams, so yeah when he comes home from dads I ask him "Did you have a good time with dad? What did you do?" I try really hard not to react about what he tells me, but it's not about me. It's about making sure my boy knows that I care and that whatever he wants to share with me, I will always take time to listen.


Quoting MsLogansMommy:

I agree with him to a point that his time with his child shouldnt be questioned (sort of...) the thing is as a mom we are never on a day off or even on a break we are their mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Have you told him that you would never ask your child to keep a secret from him? In fact, I dont ask my child to keep secrets from anyone I dont think its fair to ask that of a child and I also think it is teaching deceit I know there are some things that dont need to be shared with the world but in that case I do my best to not let my child be privy to it so that there is nothing that im worried will get said and so that my child is not responsible for keeping the secret. Its just asking a lot of a child and the message it gives is not one I want my child to learn kwim?


I hope he can get on the same page with you on this one maybe you guys could come up with a compromise like say I agree to not ask our kid about what happened at daddys but if he chooses to tell me then he shouldnt feel like he is betraying his dad if something slips out in conversation (i dont know even that sounds like a little too much)


Quoting Sj218:

This isn't the first time he's told our son not to tell me stuff. It's been a pattern already and I have tried to address it with him. His perspective is that if it involves his time with our son, then it's none of my business. I know how wrong that is. I can't imagine EVER saying don't tell dad. I don't know how to get through to him. He thinks I'm such a controlling bitch that he can't see the real issue.



Quoting MsLogansMommy:


my mother once gave my dd some candy and told her not to tell me I was livid! I explained to her that that is the type of thing predators say to children and once someone who is trustworthy like her grandma makes her think it is ok to lie to mommy that leaves the door open for a pedophile to convince her its ok to not tell mommy. When I hear someone tell a child to not tell mommy that literally makes me want to jump out of my skin. Your bd was absolutely out of line and unintentionally creating a habit that can be extremely unsafe actually dangerous may be a better word he needs to understand how completely wrong that was. Even before I was a mother I would never tell a child not to tell their mother one time we were having a surprise party for my friend and everyone kept telling her 5 year old dont tell your mommy dont tell mama and she came up to me (cause she is my God daughter) and asked why she couldnt tell mommy and I told her you never keep secrets from your mommy you can tell her all about how we planned this party for her as soon as we yell surprise she will be so happy to hear how you helped us plan this party so I told people that we were giving her a mixed message and instead of saying dont tell mommy i was saying when to tell mommy still a little on the line but it definitely felt better than having a child agree to keep a secret from their mother that just doesnt sit right with me at all





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MsLogansMommy
by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 12:51 AM

I totally get that I hope my post didnt sound like I was implying that you do question him about his dad I fully agree with how you handle it I do the same with my dd I want to keep communication open and let her know im interested in her and her life absolutely. It sounds like your stbx for some reason thinks its completely normal to lie and sadly you may never get through to him why its not ok to ask your child to lie. Obviously you know you cant control what he does so it looks like you will just have to do damage control on your end. So sorry you have to go through this in a perfect world both parents would have the childs best interests in mind and actually know what they are sounds like your stbx has some growing up to do. Good luck hun I hope stbx comes around and understands how harmful it can be to ask a child to lie (Hugs)

Quoting Sj218:

The first time this happened my STBX had spent $9k on a new quad and didn't want our son to tell me. I really could not have cared less. As long as he continues to may me on time and in full, I don't care what he buys. I don see any value in asking an 8 yr old to keep that secret. The second time it was about another woman coming over. After that it was because dad was drinking again ("recovering" alcoholic) and since he didn't get wasted he wanted our son not to tell me that dad was drinking beer. And now the GF. I don't talk to my son about what he did with dad in an effort to spy or be manipulative. I talk to my son because that is just the nature of our relationship. We talk about school, we talk about sports, we talk about dreams, so yeah when he comes home from dads I ask him "Did you have a good time with dad? What did you do?" I try really hard not to react about what he tells me, but it's not about me. It's about making sure my boy knows that I care and that whatever he wants to share with me, I will always take time to listen.


Quoting MsLogansMommy:

I agree with him to a point that his time with his child shouldnt be questioned (sort of...) the thing is as a mom we are never on a day off or even on a break we are their mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Have you told him that you would never ask your child to keep a secret from him? In fact, I dont ask my child to keep secrets from anyone I dont think its fair to ask that of a child and I also think it is teaching deceit I know there are some things that dont need to be shared with the world but in that case I do my best to not let my child be privy to it so that there is nothing that im worried will get said and so that my child is not responsible for keeping the secret. Its just asking a lot of a child and the message it gives is not one I want my child to learn kwim?


I hope he can get on the same page with you on this one maybe you guys could come up with a compromise like say I agree to not ask our kid about what happened at daddys but if he chooses to tell me then he shouldnt feel like he is betraying his dad if something slips out in conversation (i dont know even that sounds like a little too much)


Quoting Sj218:

This isn't the first time he's told our son not to tell me stuff. It's been a pattern already and I have tried to address it with him. His perspective is that if it involves his time with our son, then it's none of my business. I know how wrong that is. I can't imagine EVER saying don't tell dad. I don't know how to get through to him. He thinks I'm such a controlling bitch that he can't see the real issue.



Quoting MsLogansMommy:


my mother once gave my dd some candy and told her not to tell me I was livid! I explained to her that that is the type of thing predators say to children and once someone who is trustworthy like her grandma makes her think it is ok to lie to mommy that leaves the door open for a pedophile to convince her its ok to not tell mommy. When I hear someone tell a child to not tell mommy that literally makes me want to jump out of my skin. Your bd was absolutely out of line and unintentionally creating a habit that can be extremely unsafe actually dangerous may be a better word he needs to understand how completely wrong that was. Even before I was a mother I would never tell a child not to tell their mother one time we were having a surprise party for my friend and everyone kept telling her 5 year old dont tell your mommy dont tell mama and she came up to me (cause she is my God daughter) and asked why she couldnt tell mommy and I told her you never keep secrets from your mommy you can tell her all about how we planned this party for her as soon as we yell surprise she will be so happy to hear how you helped us plan this party so I told people that we were giving her a mixed message and instead of saying dont tell mommy i was saying when to tell mommy still a little on the line but it definitely felt better than having a child agree to keep a secret from their mother that just doesnt sit right with me at all



 



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