Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

don't know what to do.. so confused and feeling super stressed. please help

Posted by   + Show Post

hi all 

i dont know what to do.. 

i have a 4 year old daughter. 

she is the love of my life.

my daughters father doesnt see her.. and he has never paid child support.

when i fell pregnant with her.. he and i lived together..

when i told him that i was pregnant he was furious and called an abortion clinic right away, making an appointment for me,

he started to bully and blackmail me .. 

telling me that if i kept the baby he would kill himself..

that it would ruin our relationship

the pressure and bullying from him was horrible.. i couldnt take it anymore

so i told him that i couldnt kill my unborn child.. so he threw me out and told me that if i ever contacted him again.. he would  move and change all of his details so that i couldnt find him.

i had to move overseas to live with my family so that i could be in peace.

i moved back in 2009 as my parents wanted a relationship with my daughter. and to be honest i missed my friends and my parents. 

i asked him in 2009 if he would help out.. and he responded with 'i'd rather kill you both and then myself'

'i hope you and your kid both burn in hell'

anyways.. i am a full time student.. i am working my rear end off trying to finish my degree,,

i am also doing my required hospital prac..

money is extremely tight and it is stressing me out...

food, rent, bills, her school fees, my school fees.. 

its just overwhelming :(.

my daughter does a dancing class with her friends and has done for the last year..

she almost had to miss out this term.. as with food and rent ect i just could pay the fee..

i had to ask my parents for help.. so that she didnt miss out.. 

i felt humiliated.

he has a computer science degree and earns over 100 k a year..

he also got married to a teacher this year.. and they got married on of all days my daughter's 4th birthday.

so he isnt hurting for money.. but i am .

he should pay for half of her school fees.. half of her swimming lessons..ect

i posted on a local single mothers grooup website asking for help as he isnt listed on thebirth cert.. so i wanted advice

every single reply told me not to file.

a few people said that it wouldnt be fair to him to pay for a child he has had nothing to do with.

a few said that i made the choice to keep the baby knowing that he didnt want it.. so the responsibilty is mine alone.. 

some people said that... he has forgotten he has a kid so dont remind him.

dont ask him as you'll open pandora's box and regret it. 

find another way of getting money..dont ask him.

i feel so confused now.. 

i didnt make myself pregnant..

i am making myself ill trying to do everything..

why is it so bad to ask him to help out.. 

if he paid half of her costs.. that would be half i wouldnt have to try to find.. 

and it would be such a stress off me..

and i could put that money towards bills and food.. 

am i in the wrong?

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:51 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:49 AM

If you still have proof of the threats then he might not get visitation. When filing for CS they will ask if there is a reason that he should not know your information. If you have proof and go through the correct process, your issue can be resolved without fear of violence. Remember though, you have to have proof. Even just an e-mail might not be enough, they could chalk that up to fear. Has it ever gotten physical is the question. Think of her too. How badly is she hurting now and what are possible circumstances for her if you pursue?

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 11:59 AM
1 mom liked this

There government program in your state that can help with the food SNAP. Look into that. You made the decision to keep your baby, he does not want the baby. You can bully him into helping you but it does not guaranty that he will change his mind. I am sorry and I made the same decision you are made. You have parents who are willing to help. Swallow your pride and stay with them until you finish school. You will be in better condition to take care of your baby. His threats may not be empty, I would hate to hear your story in the news. While your state can force him to help he will resent you and might hurt you as he promised. So please be careful!

by Ruby Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 12:27 PM
4 moms liked this

 no you arent wrong. you should have filed long ago. file. who gives a shit if you kept the baby against his will, you didnt rape the man.

the only "pandora box" that could be opened really is he might try to get visitation. but if he really doesnt want it, he wont take it. try not to stress on it.

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 1:27 PM

thanks faerie.. 

i cant stand the women who say well you kept it againt his will..

should i have had an abortion against my will ?

we were in a relationship

if he didnt want a kid with me.. he shouldnt have slept with me..

yea im feeling so confused.. all my family and friends are telling me to file

but i still feel extremely intimidated by him

and all the posts i got on here and elsewhere telling me not too

cause it would be unfair of me

and he could take my kid off me or make life a living hell

sigh :(

i wish i was stronger and more brave

i really dont know what the right answer is

all i feel is that.. 

he comes from a wealthy family.. where he is the mamas boy.. his parents always cover his ass..

they stopped seeing my kid cause he told them too..

if he has kids with his new wife.. they will get everything..

not just money.. but the whole damn family too..

and my kid comes home crying from school cause a dad came for parent helper morning.. and she doesnt understand why her dad doesnt want to see her..

if he doesnt want to see her .. fine.. his loss

but why.. why is it so much to ask for him to help out with money so that she doesnt have to go without..

why is that so much to ask for?

if he has kids with his wife.. they wont have to

my kid will be just as much his biological child as any others he has

so why should she miss out?

i dont understand.. when he is so smart and so educated and from such a good family

how he can think that it is ok to behave this way and to not care at all if his child eats or has a roof over her head..

why he can do this.. 

i dont understand.

in every other area of his life.. he isnt a loser.

he got married on her birthday.. 

he didnt even know that it was her birthday.

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 1:30 PM

I am with the Pandora's box part but he should be responsible for his child. Apply for assistance and they will want to know who the child's father is. They open the case, confirm with a DNA test, and they have done it, not you. Good luck.

by Gold Member on Oct. 25, 2012 at 1:32 PM

I don't really have any advice one way or the other but I just wanted to say good luck and give you a bump with the hopes that some of the other moms in here can help offer advice!  Hugs!

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 1:37 PM
4 moms liked this
The fact that he said he'd rather kill you both is quite frankly terrifying. I would never risk my kids safety for money. I would just leave well alone while it does take two to make a baby he doesn't have to be in her life. Morally that's wrong but unfortunately you can't make someone be a dad if they aren't willing. Most of us here have "deadbeat daddies" but you've just gotta keep it moving and know life won't always be a juggling act.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 2:10 PM
Get the childsupport. You don't need strangers on the Internet to tell you to do that.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 2:38 PM

 Hi and welcome to the group.

There are consequences to this.  It's all up to you how you will be handling it. 

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 5:01 PM

Here is what I think and this is just my personal opinion you both had sex (im assuming unprotected although condoms can break and other preventions arent 100%-however if he wore a condom and it broke then my advice may be a tad bit different) I think he has a right to say he doesnt want to be emotionally or physically involved in your dd life (it sucks and he is a pos for it but still its his right) this wasnt a planned pregancy and he didnt make you a million promises that he later broke he told you from day one he wanted nothing to do with this baby so I think that takes him off the hook regarding involvement however because he voluntarily had sex with you unprotected then I feel he should be responsible financially and from how i am reading this post that is all you are asking for. I think its only fair that he provide financial support for a child he helped create. I do understand the position the other mommas are taking regarding not wanted to open a can of worms why bring drama when Its not necessary. You said its hard and that you are struggling lots of people are but you arent homeless and your daughter has food your are in a better position than a lot of people right now because one of your concerns was her dance class (which i think is great and im not saying that she shouldnt be in dance im just saying that a lot of people are having to choose between food or electricity so dance class in the scheme of things or coming from someones perspective that is having trouble buying food dance seems insignificant) so you need to sit with your self and ask yourself is it worth it? There is no argument from me that you have a right to claim child support and that if i were in your situation i probably would (cause i dont scare easily) but think of all the scenarios before making this decision.

if he wore a condom and it broke then leave the man alone

I hope you are able to find some peace and good luck with everthing it is super hard being a single parent and answer your kids questions about wheres my daddy it sucks that we live in a society where more men dont step up and cherish the beautiful children but remember we have no control over what other people do only what we do so do the best you can and love that little girl enough for both parents thats really all you can do

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)