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don't know what to do.. so confused and feeling super stressed. please help

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hi all 

i dont know what to do.. 

i have a 4 year old daughter. 

she is the love of my life.

my daughters father doesnt see her.. and he has never paid child support.

when i fell pregnant with her.. he and i lived together..

when i told him that i was pregnant he was furious and called an abortion clinic right away, making an appointment for me,

he started to bully and blackmail me .. 

telling me that if i kept the baby he would kill himself..

that it would ruin our relationship

the pressure and bullying from him was horrible.. i couldnt take it anymore

so i told him that i couldnt kill my unborn child.. so he threw me out and told me that if i ever contacted him again.. he would  move and change all of his details so that i couldnt find him.

i had to move overseas to live with my family so that i could be in peace.

i moved back in 2009 as my parents wanted a relationship with my daughter. and to be honest i missed my friends and my parents. 

i asked him in 2009 if he would help out.. and he responded with 'i'd rather kill you both and then myself'

'i hope you and your kid both burn in hell'

anyways.. i am a full time student.. i am working my rear end off trying to finish my degree,,

i am also doing my required hospital prac..

money is extremely tight and it is stressing me out...

food, rent, bills, her school fees, my school fees.. 

its just overwhelming :(.

my daughter does a dancing class with her friends and has done for the last year..

she almost had to miss out this term.. as with food and rent ect i just could pay the fee..

i had to ask my parents for help.. so that she didnt miss out.. 

i felt humiliated.

he has a computer science degree and earns over 100 k a year..

he also got married to a teacher this year.. and they got married on of all days my daughter's 4th birthday.

so he isnt hurting for money.. but i am .

he should pay for half of her school fees.. half of her swimming lessons..ect

i posted on a local single mothers grooup website asking for help as he isnt listed on thebirth cert.. so i wanted advice

every single reply told me not to file.

a few people said that it wouldnt be fair to him to pay for a child he has had nothing to do with.

a few said that i made the choice to keep the baby knowing that he didnt want it.. so the responsibilty is mine alone.. 

some people said that... he has forgotten he has a kid so dont remind him.

dont ask him as you'll open pandora's box and regret it. 

find another way of getting money..dont ask him.

i feel so confused now.. 

i didnt make myself pregnant..

i am making myself ill trying to do everything..

why is it so bad to ask him to help out.. 

if he paid half of her costs.. that would be half i wouldnt have to try to find.. 

and it would be such a stress off me..

and i could put that money towards bills and food.. 

am i in the wrong?

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:51 AM
Replies (21-30):
by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:11 PM

well it has reached that point more than once

i almost had my power shut off a few months ago, but my parents helped me out.. 

they are always helping me out,. and i am tired of asking them.. 

if i didnt have them i wouldnt have been able to buy food more than once.

just so sick of asking them.. im sick of being a burden on them..

if he helped me.. i wouldnt need to always run to them.

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:14 PM
1 mom liked this

I say leave him be and apply for emergency assistance...gather necessary documents...rental statements, bills, baby girl's birth cert and the like and apply for food stamps, cash, rent assistance whatever you can. As a taxpayer you paid into the system praying you'd never need it well now you do. As for her father..let sleepin dogs lie..why?

A) He said he didn't want her in the first place. (You said HE called the clinic to make an appt for you to HAVE the abortion)

B) He said he'd rather kill the both of you FIRST and then himself

C) He said he hoped you and "your kid" (notice how he distanced himself??) rot in hell

No way in the WORLD would I want my child any were NEAR someone like that. Sounds to me like if you force his hand he just might try to harm her. I'm with the person who made the comment about peace of mind being more important than the money. Also at this very moment YOU call the shots as they relate to your child. Do you really want him involved in the decision making process knowing he really doesn't want to be? Just sayin...think about it.

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:11 PM
2 moms liked this

He has a responsability to his child. He can get visitation with or without you filing for child support. He could change his mind and want to know her. My ex said he needed to take care of himself , but as soon as he was in a relationship he needed to show them that he was a good father and I was the evil one who took his kids away from him. You may be better off getting him to sign away his parental rights and seek out public assistance instead. I would not want him anywhere near my child. So many of us wish we could change who our children's father is. I think some are just responding to that feeling. You are able to protect your child from her father at this time. Some of us wish we had that luxury.

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:14 PM
1 mom liked this

I say don't take him for support because he'll likely ask for visitation or custody and he's threatened to kill her before.

by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 9:44 PM

I would not file, that is going to lead him to visitation rights. I know he has never had anything to do with your daughter in the past, but it is very possible that his new wife does not even know she exists, and will push for visitation for them. His actions and how he's spoken in the past would make me worry about how he'd treat her, could turn into a very detrimental relationship for her.

Not sure where you live, but here we do have assistance programs for electricity, rent, food, etc. Also I finished school on grants for being a mother, look into things like those.

by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 12:49 AM

you should try and get state assistance and file for child support, maybe you can get foodstamos,wic and go to churches for food when you need to.  if you have time to do surveys for money online you could do that too i know some legit websites but it is time consuming however its going through the same thing girl!!! im sorry :/

by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 1:06 AM
1 mom liked this
It wouldn't be unfair of you at all, but I think it would be unsafe. The safety of your little girl is #1 and with him making those types of threats, I don't think you should ignore that.

It is incredibly hard doing it alone and I'm so sorry you are having to deal with being a 100% single mom. But, don't put her in harms way for the sake of paying bills.

I hope that didn't sound harsh, I just worry about your child! Men can be so terrible sometimes making things harder on us and their children.
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by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 7:25 AM's bad to ask him for help because he THREATENED TO KILL YOU AND YOUR CHILD.

Wake the hell up.

Single mothers struggle. Deal with it. 

by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 7:41 AM
This is that "pandora's box". This guy sounds mentally unstable, do everything you can to stay away from him. The money isn't worth it.

Quoting HyperMom38:

No you are not wrong to want her birth father to pay his fair share.  But you do need to weigh the pros and cons of this. First, you said he has money... that also means he has money for lawyers and can drag this out into an all out war for years to come.  He could ask for full custody- he prolly wouldn't get it, but he would get visitation and joint custody with you having primary placement.  Once that happens he has the right to say what school she goes to (or doesn't go to), what extra-curricular activities she is involved in, what church she attends and  to make medical decisions for her- and possibly not the ones you would choose...  Right now you are the one in control.  You need to ask yourself is the money worth having him back in you and your daughter's lives?  Because he will be until the end of time if you pursue this.  I speak from experience.  I got dragged into court every chance he got.  I wracked up 5K in lawyers fees.  I would give anything to not have to deal with him every week because every chance he gets he starts a fight.  You have to choose- the money or the peace of mind.

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by Gold Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 7:52 AM
I would file. U won't get any govt assistance w out an open child spt case anyway.
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