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don't know what to do.. so confused and feeling super stressed. please help

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hi all 

i dont know what to do.. 

i have a 4 year old daughter. 

she is the love of my life.

my daughters father doesnt see her.. and he has never paid child support.

when i fell pregnant with her.. he and i lived together..

when i told him that i was pregnant he was furious and called an abortion clinic right away, making an appointment for me,

he started to bully and blackmail me .. 

telling me that if i kept the baby he would kill himself..

that it would ruin our relationship

the pressure and bullying from him was horrible.. i couldnt take it anymore

so i told him that i couldnt kill my unborn child.. so he threw me out and told me that if i ever contacted him again.. he would  move and change all of his details so that i couldnt find him.

i had to move overseas to live with my family so that i could be in peace.

i moved back in 2009 as my parents wanted a relationship with my daughter. and to be honest i missed my friends and my parents. 

i asked him in 2009 if he would help out.. and he responded with 'i'd rather kill you both and then myself'

'i hope you and your kid both burn in hell'

anyways.. i am a full time student.. i am working my rear end off trying to finish my degree,,

i am also doing my required hospital prac..

money is extremely tight and it is stressing me out...

food, rent, bills, her school fees, my school fees.. 

its just overwhelming :(.

my daughter does a dancing class with her friends and has done for the last year..

she almost had to miss out this term.. as with food and rent ect i just could pay the fee..

i had to ask my parents for help.. so that she didnt miss out.. 

i felt humiliated.

he has a computer science degree and earns over 100 k a year..

he also got married to a teacher this year.. and they got married on of all days my daughter's 4th birthday.

so he isnt hurting for money.. but i am .

he should pay for half of her school fees.. half of her swimming lessons..ect

i posted on a local single mothers grooup website asking for help as he isnt listed on thebirth cert.. so i wanted advice

every single reply told me not to file.

a few people said that it wouldnt be fair to him to pay for a child he has had nothing to do with.

a few said that i made the choice to keep the baby knowing that he didnt want it.. so the responsibilty is mine alone.. 

some people said that... he has forgotten he has a kid so dont remind him.

dont ask him as you'll open pandora's box and regret it. 

find another way of getting money..dont ask him.

i feel so confused now.. 

i didnt make myself pregnant..

i am making myself ill trying to do everything..

why is it so bad to ask him to help out.. 

if he paid half of her costs.. that would be half i wouldnt have to try to find.. 

and it would be such a stress off me..

and i could put that money towards bills and food.. 

am i in the wrong?


by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:51 AM
Replies (31-40):
rae021
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 8:23 AM
Easier said then done.. but I agree bc I opened that door and wish I hadn't. Peace of mind where your child sleeps is a diff type of stress relief then making your bills. I think you'll get thru it. With out him. I'm willing to bet new wife doesn't know a thing about you. Teachers are usually motherly and she may whisper in his ear and he will listen, and fight for a kid he never wanted. First to appease the wife and second to make you miserable.... Good luck n never be embarrassed to ask for help, your doing more then most parents!


Quoting HyperMom38:

No you are not wrong to want her birth father to pay his fair share.  But you do need to weigh the pros and cons of this. First, you said he has money... that also means he has money for lawyers and can drag this out into an all out war for years to come.  He could ask for full custody- he prolly wouldn't get it, but he would get visitation and joint custody with you having primary placement.  Once that happens he has the right to say what school she goes to (or doesn't go to), what extra-curricular activities she is involved in, what church she attends and  to make medical decisions for her- and possibly not the ones you would choose...  Right now you are the one in control.  You need to ask yourself is the money worth having him back in you and your daughter's lives?  Because he will be until the end of time if you pursue this.  I speak from experience.  I got dragged into court every chance he got.  I wracked up 5K in lawyers fees.  I would give anything to not have to deal with him every week because every chance he gets he starts a fight.  You have to choose- the money or the peace of mind.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
HyperMom38
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 9:02 AM

I'd just like to add that I know you are tired of asking your parents for help right now- but consider this- is there anything you wouldn't do for your child???  The way you feel about your daughter, well, that's how they feel about you.  I'm sure they would rather help you than plan you and their granddaughter's funeral if he makes good on his threats to kill you both.  I'll be praying for you!


drbell
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 9:02 AM

his wife knows about me and about my daughter.. 

i speak to one of his best friends wifes.. 

she doesnt agree what my ex is doing.. she hates him for it.. 

but she feels she cant say anything.. as her hubby works full time and pays for the house bills ect

so she cant be a stay at home mother..

she doesnt want to rock the boat with him/

but yes she told me that she over heard a drunken conversation between my ex and her hubby..

where my ex was asked by his friend if he loved his wife.. and he said no.. that she is in love with him.. but he isnt with her.. for him its about money and security..

and that he has told her..he told her that i had a kid against his wishes.

so she knows..

steviechick
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 10:26 AM

huggingHope things will get better for you, mama.

Wyattlucasmama
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 10:34 AM

This is an awful thing to say..If he didn't want a baby he should not have had sex, or should have had a vasectomy. They both made the baby, and that baby did nothing wrong, she deserves to be supported by BOTH parents regardless. I CHOSE to keep my son, even though his father didn't want to grow up and be a father. That DOES NOT mean I should support him on my own. He and I both made my son, and we BOTH knew the possible results of sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.


lnrmom
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 11:18 AM

That is not an awful thing to say its the truth. This father wanted her to have an abortion. She CHOSE to have the baby anyway. Unfortunately when one's choice is against the other, there is consequences. The consequences for OP is that she is the one who needs to support her child on her own.

CHOICE is something both parents should have.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

This is an awful thing to say..If he didn't want a baby he should not have had sex, or should have had a vasectomy. They both made the baby, and that baby did nothing wrong, she deserves to be supported by BOTH parents regardless. I CHOSE to keep my son, even though his father didn't want to grow up and be a father. That DOES NOT mean I should support him on my own. He and I both made my son, and we BOTH knew the possible results of sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.



Wyattlucasmama
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 11:55 AM

They both DID have a CHOICE. They CHOSE to have sex. PERIOD. He knew it could result in a pregnancy, so he is just as responsible.

Quoting lnrmom:

That is not an awful thing to say its the truth. This father wanted her to have an abortion. She CHOSE to have the baby anyway. Unfortunately when one's choice is against the other, there is consequences. The consequences for OP is that she is the one who needs to support her child on her own.

CHOICE is something both parents should have.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

This is an awful thing to say..If he didn't want a baby he should not have had sex, or should have had a vasectomy. They both made the baby, and that baby did nothing wrong, she deserves to be supported by BOTH parents regardless. I CHOSE to keep my son, even though his father didn't want to grow up and be a father. That DOES NOT mean I should support him on my own. He and I both made my son, and we BOTH knew the possible results of sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.




lnrmom
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 12:00 PM

She took away his choice regarding the pregnancy when she went against his wishes and had the baby rather than having an abortion as he had wanted.

We, as women, want to be able to choose what happens to our bodies, and I'm fully in favor of that choice. But when we choose something that is polar opposite of what our partner chooses, we have to be willing to step up and take responsibility for OUR CHOICE.

You are not going to change my mind, and I am not going to change yours. I'm not arguing with you about this. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, its simple. He wanted an abortion, she kept the baby. Therefore, she supports the baby. He shouldn't have to support a child he made very clear he didn't want. Can't get more clear than to make an appointment. He has not changed his stance. Sorry.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

They both DID have a CHOICE. They CHOSE to have sex. PERIOD. He knew it could result in a pregnancy, so he is just as responsible.

Quoting lnrmom:

That is not an awful thing to say its the truth. This father wanted her to have an abortion. She CHOSE to have the baby anyway. Unfortunately when one's choice is against the other, there is consequences. The consequences for OP is that she is the one who needs to support her child on her own.

CHOICE is something both parents should have.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

This is an awful thing to say..If he didn't want a baby he should not have had sex, or should have had a vasectomy. They both made the baby, and that baby did nothing wrong, she deserves to be supported by BOTH parents regardless. I CHOSE to keep my son, even though his father didn't want to grow up and be a father. That DOES NOT mean I should support him on my own. He and I both made my son, and we BOTH knew the possible results of sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.


 



drbell
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 12:18 PM

no IRNMOM 

you are wrong

i didnt want to post this on here..as it felt is was way too personal.

he and i were together for 6 years.. 

6 years.. 

a year into our relationship i fell pregnant.. 

i wanted to keep it.. 

he didnt.. 

he pushed and pressured.. made appointments..

told me that we would have a baby in the future.. that now wasnt the right time.. 

and that he loved me..

so i did it.. i did what he wanted..

and it almost killed me.. 

i became anorexic, sucidal, i tried more than once to end my life.

i felt so full of guilt that i couldnt look in the mirror..

i had nightmares everynight..

he saw all of this..

i made it clear to him that although i hoped to god that i would never ever have a child

if that did happen again.. i would not do that again..

i told him for 5 years that i would not do that again..EVER.

who was the one who wanted to be intimate.. HIM

not me.. it made my skin crawl anytime he touched me.

i made it clear for 5 years that i would not go through that again..

so when 5 years later i fell pregant with my beautiful little girl

knowing everything.. he behaved like a spoilt immature brat

in his words ' it was a problem and he just wanted it to go away'

he is a selfish rich mammas boy who has had a free ride all of his life.. 

he has never ever been made to take responsibilty for ANYTHING.

i did not rape him....

i did not force myself onto him

i did not get pregnant on purpose

i didnt want to sleep with him at all .. he was the one who always pushed for sex..

knowing that i had said over and over and over and over and over NEVER EVER AGAIN!

i stayed with him as i felt it was what i deserved for not being strong enough to stand up to him.

i made it clear to him that would never happen again..

he wanted sex.. i didnt.. i gave in.. so he would f78k off and leave me alone.. 

he knew that if a pregnancy ever happened again.. i would keep it.. 

he chose to still pressure me for sex.. he still made the choice to sleep with me.. knowing this..


Mommytime01
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 2:04 PM

It's all on her??? Give me a break! As adults we all know that having sex can result in getting pregnant/having a child. Therfore if you can not handle the possible outcome keep your pants on!!!

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.



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