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don't know what to do.. so confused and feeling super stressed. please help

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hi all 

i dont know what to do.. 

i have a 4 year old daughter. 

she is the love of my life.

my daughters father doesnt see her.. and he has never paid child support.

when i fell pregnant with her.. he and i lived together..

when i told him that i was pregnant he was furious and called an abortion clinic right away, making an appointment for me,

he started to bully and blackmail me .. 

telling me that if i kept the baby he would kill himself..

that it would ruin our relationship

the pressure and bullying from him was horrible.. i couldnt take it anymore

so i told him that i couldnt kill my unborn child.. so he threw me out and told me that if i ever contacted him again.. he would  move and change all of his details so that i couldnt find him.

i had to move overseas to live with my family so that i could be in peace.

i moved back in 2009 as my parents wanted a relationship with my daughter. and to be honest i missed my friends and my parents. 

i asked him in 2009 if he would help out.. and he responded with 'i'd rather kill you both and then myself'

'i hope you and your kid both burn in hell'

anyways.. i am a full time student.. i am working my rear end off trying to finish my degree,,

i am also doing my required hospital prac..

money is extremely tight and it is stressing me out...

food, rent, bills, her school fees, my school fees.. 

its just overwhelming :(.

my daughter does a dancing class with her friends and has done for the last year..

she almost had to miss out this term.. as with food and rent ect i just could pay the fee..

i had to ask my parents for help.. so that she didnt miss out.. 

i felt humiliated.

he has a computer science degree and earns over 100 k a year..

he also got married to a teacher this year.. and they got married on of all days my daughter's 4th birthday.

so he isnt hurting for money.. but i am .

he should pay for half of her school fees.. half of her swimming lessons..ect

i posted on a local single mothers grooup website asking for help as he isnt listed on thebirth cert.. so i wanted advice

every single reply told me not to file.

a few people said that it wouldnt be fair to him to pay for a child he has had nothing to do with.

a few said that i made the choice to keep the baby knowing that he didnt want it.. so the responsibilty is mine alone.. 

some people said that... he has forgotten he has a kid so dont remind him.

dont ask him as you'll open pandora's box and regret it. 

find another way of getting money..dont ask him.

i feel so confused now.. 

i didnt make myself pregnant..

i am making myself ill trying to do everything..

why is it so bad to ask him to help out.. 

if he paid half of her costs.. that would be half i wouldnt have to try to find.. 

and it would be such a stress off me..

and i could put that money towards bills and food.. 

am i in the wrong?


by on Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:51 AM
Replies (41-50):
lnrmom
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 2:41 PM

Read my other comments. You're not going to change my mind, and I stand by what I said. It's on her. He wanted an abortion. She chose not to. It's on her. That's the Pandora's box that comes with CHOICE.

Quoting Mommytime01:

It's all on her??? Give me a break! As adults we all know that having sex can result in getting pregnant/having a child. Therfore if you can not handle the possible outcome keep your pants on!!!

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.

 


Mommytime01
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 3:08 PM
1 mom liked this

I would never waste my time trying to change your mind. Arguing with ignorance is pointless.


MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 3:20 PM
The thing I worry about is you and your daughters safety. Did you keep all messages from him saved as evidence of his threats and harassment? He should pay for the child. He made her with you. All parents should financially support their kids. But in some cases when your safety is on the line many mothers opt out of filing. Where do you live (what state) and is there any way you can use local resources (food bank, health clinic, Childcare tuition assistance, etc)? These things may help you along your journey. I work full time and am also a full time student.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 3:35 PM

 disagree.

there is no way for this situation to be fair. women carry teh burden of pregnancy as we are the ones who are pregnant and give birth. the ultimate choice whether to keep teh pregnancy or not is the mothers because of this.

once a baby is born, they have the right to the support of both parents. it becomes about what is fair for the child, not what is fair for mom or dad.

a mom has a choice to keep a pregnancy or not. the father has the choice whether or not to walk away. but the law says that the child has the right to support so legally she can hold ole boy responsible whether or not he or anyone else thinks its fair.

because of this choice, this mom is stuck raising a kid alone. but also because opf this choice, that man is liable to support his offspring. this was a consequence of them having sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

She took away his choice regarding the pregnancy when she went against his wishes and had the baby rather than having an abortion as he had wanted.

We, as women, want to be able to choose what happens to our bodies, and I'm fully in favor of that choice. But when we choose something that is polar opposite of what our partner chooses, we have to be willing to step up and take responsibility for OUR CHOICE.

You are not going to change my mind, and I am not going to change yours. I'm not arguing with you about this. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, its simple. He wanted an abortion, she kept the baby. Therefore, she supports the baby. He shouldn't have to support a child he made very clear he didn't want. Can't get more clear than to make an appointment. He has not changed his stance. Sorry.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

They both DID have a CHOICE. They CHOSE to have sex. PERIOD. He knew it could result in a pregnancy, so he is just as responsible.

Quoting lnrmom:

That is not an awful thing to say its the truth. This father wanted her to have an abortion. She CHOSE to have the baby anyway. Unfortunately when one's choice is against the other, there is consequences. The consequences for OP is that she is the one who needs to support her child on her own.

CHOICE is something both parents should have.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

This is an awful thing to say..If he didn't want a baby he should not have had sex, or should have had a vasectomy. They both made the baby, and that baby did nothing wrong, she deserves to be supported by BOTH parents regardless. I CHOSE to keep my son, even though his father didn't want to grow up and be a father. That DOES NOT mean I should support him on my own. He and I both made my son, and we BOTH knew the possible results of sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.


 


 

 

 
        
         

drbell
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 3:35 PM

yes, i have saved them all 

i have the sms cell phone messages where he threatened to harm my daughter and i ect 

saved onto my old cell phone where it very clearly has his cell number listed..

also have copies printed out, scanned onto my computer.. and have a report regarding them at the local police office.. where they verify on the printed out copies that they have seen the real copy on my phone

and its a true copy that hasnt been altered in anyway.

lnrmom
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 3:40 PM

Agree to disagree.

Quoting faerie75:

 disagree.

there is no way for this situation to be fair. women carry teh burden of pregnancy as we are the ones who are pregnant and give birth. the ultimate choice whether to keep teh pregnancy or not is the mothers because of this.

once a baby is born, they have the right to the support of both parents. it becomes about what is fair for the child, not what is fair for mom or dad.

a mom has a choice to keep a pregnancy or not. the father has the choice whether or not to walk away. but the law says that the child has the right to support so legally she can hold ole boy responsible whether or not he or anyone else thinks its fair.

because of this choice, this mom is stuck raising a kid alone. but also because opf this choice, that man is liable to support his offspring. this was a consequence of them having sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

She took away his choice regarding the pregnancy when she went against his wishes and had the baby rather than having an abortion as he had wanted.

We, as women, want to be able to choose what happens to our bodies, and I'm fully in favor of that choice. But when we choose something that is polar opposite of what our partner chooses, we have to be willing to step up and take responsibility for OUR CHOICE.

You are not going to change my mind, and I am not going to change yours. I'm not arguing with you about this. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, its simple. He wanted an abortion, she kept the baby. Therefore, she supports the baby. He shouldn't have to support a child he made very clear he didn't want. Can't get more clear than to make an appointment. He has not changed his stance. Sorry.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

They both DID have a CHOICE. They CHOSE to have sex. PERIOD. He knew it could result in a pregnancy, so he is just as responsible.

Quoting lnrmom:

That is not an awful thing to say its the truth. This father wanted her to have an abortion. She CHOSE to have the baby anyway. Unfortunately when one's choice is against the other, there is consequences. The consequences for OP is that she is the one who needs to support her child on her own.

CHOICE is something both parents should have.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

This is an awful thing to say..If he didn't want a baby he should not have had sex, or should have had a vasectomy. They both made the baby, and that baby did nothing wrong, she deserves to be supported by BOTH parents regardless. I CHOSE to keep my son, even though his father didn't want to grow up and be a father. That DOES NOT mean I should support him on my own. He and I both made my son, and we BOTH knew the possible results of sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.


 


 

 


faerie75
by Ruby Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 3:43 PM

 fair enough. but the red is a fact not an opinion.

Quoting lnrmom:

Agree to disagree.

Quoting faerie75:

 disagree.

there is no way for this situation to be fair. women carry teh burden of pregnancy as we are the ones who are pregnant and give birth. the ultimate choice whether to keep teh pregnancy or not is the mothers because of this.

once a baby is born, they have the right to the support of both parents. it becomes about what is fair for the child, not what is fair for mom or dad.

a mom has a choice to keep a pregnancy or not. the father has the choice whether or not to walk away. but the law says that the child has the right to support so legally she can hold ole boy responsible whether or not he or anyone else thinks its fair.

because of this choice, this mom is stuck raising a kid alone. but also because opf this choice, that man is liable to support his offspring. this was a consequence of them having sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

She took away his choice regarding the pregnancy when she went against his wishes and had the baby rather than having an abortion as he had wanted.

We, as women, want to be able to choose what happens to our bodies, and I'm fully in favor of that choice. But when we choose something that is polar opposite of what our partner chooses, we have to be willing to step up and take responsibility for OUR CHOICE.

You are not going to change my mind, and I am not going to change yours. I'm not arguing with you about this. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, its simple. He wanted an abortion, she kept the baby. Therefore, she supports the baby. He shouldn't have to support a child he made very clear he didn't want. Can't get more clear than to make an appointment. He has not changed his stance. Sorry.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

They both DID have a CHOICE. They CHOSE to have sex. PERIOD. He knew it could result in a pregnancy, so he is just as responsible.

Quoting lnrmom:

That is not an awful thing to say its the truth. This father wanted her to have an abortion. She CHOSE to have the baby anyway. Unfortunately when one's choice is against the other, there is consequences. The consequences for OP is that she is the one who needs to support her child on her own.

CHOICE is something both parents should have.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

This is an awful thing to say..If he didn't want a baby he should not have had sex, or should have had a vasectomy. They both made the baby, and that baby did nothing wrong, she deserves to be supported by BOTH parents regardless. I CHOSE to keep my son, even though his father didn't want to grow up and be a father. That DOES NOT mean I should support him on my own. He and I both made my son, and we BOTH knew the possible results of sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.


 


 

 

 

 

 
        
         

lnrmom
by on Oct. 26, 2012 at 3:54 PM

I understand the law. I do not believe that it is fair to fathers if they make it known that they do not want the child and the mother CHOOSES to have the baby anyway, I do not believe that it is fair that they have to support the child. Its not fair. And if we're hollering that we should have that CHOICE, so should they. Fair is fair.

Quoting faerie75:

 fair enough. but the red is a fact not an opinion.

Quoting lnrmom:

Agree to disagree.

Quoting faerie75:

 disagree.

there is no way for this situation to be fair. women carry teh burden of pregnancy as we are the ones who are pregnant and give birth. the ultimate choice whether to keep teh pregnancy or not is the mothers because of this.

once a baby is born, they have the right to the support of both parents. it becomes about what is fair for the child, not what is fair for mom or dad.

a mom has a choice to keep a pregnancy or not. the father has the choice whether or not to walk away. but the law says that the child has the right to support so legally she can hold ole boy responsible whether or not he or anyone else thinks its fair.

because of this choice, this mom is stuck raising a kid alone. but also because opf this choice, that man is liable to support his offspring. this was a consequence of them having sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

She took away his choice regarding the pregnancy when she went against his wishes and had the baby rather than having an abortion as he had wanted.

We, as women, want to be able to choose what happens to our bodies, and I'm fully in favor of that choice. But when we choose something that is polar opposite of what our partner chooses, we have to be willing to step up and take responsibility for OUR CHOICE.

You are not going to change my mind, and I am not going to change yours. I'm not arguing with you about this. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, its simple. He wanted an abortion, she kept the baby. Therefore, she supports the baby. He shouldn't have to support a child he made very clear he didn't want. Can't get more clear than to make an appointment. He has not changed his stance. Sorry.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

They both DID have a CHOICE. They CHOSE to have sex. PERIOD. He knew it could result in a pregnancy, so he is just as responsible.

Quoting lnrmom:

That is not an awful thing to say its the truth. This father wanted her to have an abortion. She CHOSE to have the baby anyway. Unfortunately when one's choice is against the other, there is consequences. The consequences for OP is that she is the one who needs to support her child on her own.

CHOICE is something both parents should have.

Quoting Wyattlucasmama:

This is an awful thing to say..If he didn't want a baby he should not have had sex, or should have had a vasectomy. They both made the baby, and that baby did nothing wrong, she deserves to be supported by BOTH parents regardless. I CHOSE to keep my son, even though his father didn't want to grow up and be a father. That DOES NOT mean I should support him on my own. He and I both made my son, and we BOTH knew the possible results of sex.

Quoting lnrmom:

This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.


 


 

 

 

 


faerie75
by Ruby Member on Oct. 26, 2012 at 6:29 PM

 theres no way for it to be completely fair. men cant be pregnant. but your opinion is yours and mine is mine.

amongying31
by on Oct. 27, 2012 at 1:15 PM

I agree with everything everyone is saying, but the biggest thing is do you really want a Man who wanted nothing to do with you and the Baby over the last four years who wished you death to possibly have a chance to be in her life because he pays child support?? He might become very spiteful when the order is put in and start a whole load of BS to see her and have visitations and all type of bad things.  That is what you have to be prepared for and is it worth it? I also do everything financially for my child with no family help and I struggle and even though I suffer the peace of mind I fell is out of this world.  Please weigh your pros and cons before you let this sociopathic narsacisst into her life! I truly hope it works out well for you!

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