Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Single Moms Single Moms

He is an idiot (EDIT)

Posted by   + Show Post
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. He has known my plans from the beginning. To be out of school and offer the little bit of govt. help I am getting before DS is 2. I told him that school, work, and a kid would take up a lot of my time. It would be hard but it would make life easier down the road. I also refuse to pawn my kid off on people so I can go out to the bars and crap. So when we are together it is pretty much sit at home.





Today he comes over and asks if I am happy. I told him I am content. He said he was unhappy. I just stated at him and waited for him to continue. He was complaining.g we never see each other because of my schedule and his 2 jobs. Then informed me that he couldn't give up a job. He tried to put it on me to change something. I can't because my son is my top priority and everything I am doing is to give him a better life.





He then says he wants to take a break. I told him no. He is either a part of this or he can leave. DS doesn't need someone bouncing in and out of his life when things get hard. If he is that unhappy then he can hit the door. I said that I would miss him but that it was better for me not to be with someone who bounced when it is difficult. If he wants to go out and party with someone then there are plenty of single mom's or childless women who would oblige but that is not me.





Guess he wasn't as unhappy as he thought since he decided to stay.





I was very proud of myself for staying calm and standing my ground.





EDIT: I understand compromise is important. So what do you think I should compromise? I spend my time going to school, working, and the little time I have left is split between DS, cleaning house, and about 5 hours of sleep.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Nov. 5, 2012 at 6:49 PM
Replies (31-39):
amomynous_j
by on Nov. 6, 2012 at 9:15 PM

i would find it VERY strange if someone i was dating found a sitter for MY children. very odd.

Quoting Chellie13:

Why doesn't HE find a babysitter for a few hours so that you guys can go out occasionally?  I hate it when the guys think they're going to date a single mom, and still leave everything on her.  In that case, he's got NO right to complain. 

I wouldn't have even let him stay after that one.  As if yoiu need stress like that.  


Kaya529
by Bronze Member on Nov. 6, 2012 at 9:24 PM
Either he is also responsible or he has no room to complain. He cannot have it both ways. Your problem is that you believe that relationships are about give and take, but come across as believing I should take on all the responsibility. It does not work that way.

I have been in all the sides of this situation. As the child of parents who are dating, as the childless girlfriend to a single father, and now as the single mom. When I dated the single dad I took on responsibility too. If I wanted to go out then I helped find a babysitter. When I was the child I remember my stepmom's mom (girlfriend at the time) watching us and my step dad (boyfriend then) parents and sister watching us too. None of it was weird. They really wanted to be with my parents so they helped to make it happen.


Quoting happymommy1105:

it isn't his responsibility to find somebody to watch your child. its yours.



he shouldn't ask his friends or family to watch your child. that's just weird.




Quoting Kaya529:

I am not okay with people hopping in and out of my sons life. I will not compromise when it comes to,my DS. When I dayed a single father I felt the same way. If he had chosen me over his son or compromised what was best for him then I would have been dosappointed in him. I am not asking for my bf to do anything I would not expect from myself. He was welcome to leave or he could stay. He made his choice.





I have compromised. The other night he had a bad day so I gave up doing homework to sit with him after DS was in bed and had a beer with him. Yet he won't take a weekend night off work when my parents can watch DS. My best friend asked if he would watch DS so we could go out one night and he said no. Now he doesn't get why my best friend won't watch him so we can hang out. He has friends and family that would watch DS but won't ask them. I have tried and he won't budge an inch on anything. We spend time together without DS it just isn't out and about which he doesn't have money for either. Instead it is home watching a movie or playing games. I have even told him that if he needs time out then he should go hang with his friends which he has chosen not to do. Even my idiot exhusband was able to deal with a similar situation when we were saving for our wedding.





As for the probation thing, it is a joke. We laugh about it.





I may not have explained enough in the post but the compromising that has been done has been by me. I cannot compromise anything more. If he cares about me then he would be supportive or at least help me figure things out instead of threatening a break if I don't give him what he wants.








Quoting happymommy1105:

honestly it sounds like you who needs to be on "probation" with this guy.







who even says that to somebody?







Bf sticks his foot in his mouth a lot. I do too. but we work together to make each other happy.







yes you have to work together to make the happy factor in the relationship.







I don't see where he threatened anything. he told you he wasn't happy and needed a break. you refused to listen. you made it your way or the highway








Quoting Kaya529:

I'll make a couple of sarcastic comments over the next 2 weeks and tell him he is on probation then forget about it.









He knows since it isn't the first time he stuck his foot in his mouth.










Quoting h_minkus:

I totally know how it is. And yeah, he should be mature enough to address the real issue rather than threaten a "break." Let it go now though, don't keep beating him up for it. Not saying you would, just a thought because I think I did that sometimes with my ex.

Quoting Kaya529:

I have been overloading everyone with babysitting for school and work as it is. I had been working on my friend about Wednesday night but hadn't mentioned it because I did not want to get his hopes up until I knew for sure.











He should have come to me and asked for us time rather then threatening to leave.












Quoting happymommy1105:

while I agree that you should continue to work towards your goals, relationships are about compromise.













you don't seem willing to compromise at all.













what's wrong with your mom watching your son for a night so you two can go out and be adults?













what's wrong with a friend watching him for an afternoon so Yall can catch a movie?













it can't be your way or the highway.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Kaya529
by Bronze Member on Nov. 6, 2012 at 9:36 PM
1 mom liked this
We were friends before we started dating. He was around DS before he was even born. I guess I should have said I don't want to keep going back and forth between friends and being together. It is too confusing for him. If I let it happen once then it sets a dangerous precedence.

Quoting amomynous_j:

sounds like you shouldn't be dating at all if you aren't interested in dating..

this is why it's important to wait a LONG time before introducing kids to partners.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Gina_C
by on Nov. 6, 2012 at 9:41 PM
This is why I stay single. Right now, for me, my priorities are exactly the same as yours. And I dont feel I need to compromise for anyone. My life is what it is. You told him straight up in the very beginning what it was going to be like so none of it should come as a surprise. Stay strong momma. One day you will find a man who respects that you are so strong and doesn't back down
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
happymommy1105
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2012 at 9:44 PM
relationships are about give and take.....

you take responsibility for your own stuff, that's not weird or wrong. its natural.

Bf takes responsibility for his older daughter. I take responsibility for my older son. we share the responsibility of this baby that will be born anytime now.

when we go on vacation just the two of us...he finds childcare for his child, I find it for my child.

when we are together yes we both do things for all the kids.

I don't see how its not about give and take just because we have our own responsibilities within in our relationship.


Quoting Kaya529:

Either he is also responsible or he has no room to complain. He cannot have it both ways. Your problem is that you believe that relationships are about give and take, but come across as believing I should take on all the responsibility. It does not work that way.



I have been in all the sides of this situation. As the child of parents who are dating, as the childless girlfriend to a single father, and now as the single mom. When I dated the single dad I took on responsibility too. If I wanted to go out then I helped find a babysitter. When I was the child I remember my stepmom's mom (girlfriend at the time) watching us and my step dad (boyfriend then) parents and sister watching us too. None of it was weird. They really wanted to be with my parents so they helped to make it happen.




Quoting happymommy1105:

it isn't his responsibility to find somebody to watch your child. its yours.





he shouldn't ask his friends or family to watch your child. that's just weird.






Quoting Kaya529:

I am not okay with people hopping in and out of my sons life. I will not compromise when it comes to,my DS. When I dayed a single father I felt the same way. If he had chosen me over his son or compromised what was best for him then I would have been dosappointed in him. I am not asking for my bf to do anything I would not expect from myself. He was welcome to leave or he could stay. He made his choice.







I have compromised. The other night he had a bad day so I gave up doing homework to sit with him after DS was in bed and had a beer with him. Yet he won't take a weekend night off work when my parents can watch DS. My best friend asked if he would watch DS so we could go out one night and he said no. Now he doesn't get why my best friend won't watch him so we can hang out. He has friends and family that would watch DS but won't ask them. I have tried and he won't budge an inch on anything. We spend time together without DS it just isn't out and about which he doesn't have money for either. Instead it is home watching a movie or playing games. I have even told him that if he needs time out then he should go hang with his friends which he has chosen not to do. Even my idiot exhusband was able to deal with a similar situation when we were saving for our wedding.







As for the probation thing, it is a joke. We laugh about it.







I may not have explained enough in the post but the compromising that has been done has been by me. I cannot compromise anything more. If he cares about me then he would be supportive or at least help me figure things out instead of threatening a break if I don't give him what he wants.











Quoting happymommy1105:

honestly it sounds like you who needs to be on "probation" with this guy.









who even says that to somebody?









Bf sticks his foot in his mouth a lot. I do too. but we work together to make each other happy.









yes you have to work together to make the happy factor in the relationship.









I don't see where he threatened anything. he told you he wasn't happy and needed a break. you refused to listen. you made it your way or the highway










Quoting Kaya529:

I'll make a couple of sarcastic comments over the next 2 weeks and tell him he is on probation then forget about it.











He knows since it isn't the first time he stuck his foot in his mouth.












Quoting h_minkus:

I totally know how it is. And yeah, he should be mature enough to address the real issue rather than threaten a "break." Let it go now though, don't keep beating him up for it. Not saying you would, just a thought because I think I did that sometimes with my ex.

Quoting Kaya529:

I have been overloading everyone with babysitting for school and work as it is. I had been working on my friend about Wednesday night but hadn't mentioned it because I did not want to get his hopes up until I knew for sure.













He should have come to me and asked for us time rather then threatening to leave.














Quoting happymommy1105:

while I agree that you should continue to work towards your goals, relationships are about compromise.















you don't seem willing to compromise at all.















what's wrong with your mom watching your son for a night so you two can go out and be adults?















what's wrong with a friend watching him for an afternoon so Yall can catch a movie?















it can't be your way or the highway.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Barblicious
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 12:27 AM

Umm you have been together 6 months and you have had bad sex for the last 5?

Quoting Kaya529:

His sexual needs are being met. Anytime we are alone and DS is sleeping he gets laid. My needs are the ones being ignored. It takes me longer then his does and these episodes only work for him. I haven't gotten off in 5 months. He got off 2 days ago.

Quoting Barblicious:

In my experience, 

Needing a 'break' is man code for I want to go have sex with other women.

Give him more sex and it might help.

But if he is all ready thinking of getting out with other women, it might be too late to turn him around.

All couples have a hard time finding time for one another when little kids are in the picture. A lot of men stray during this time because their sexual needs are no longer getting top priority. :( Good luck.


strngenough
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 1:24 AM
Hell no. Your awesome. Way to keep what's important in perspective. Your my hero.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
amongying31
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 7:49 AM

Good for you! I don't see any compromise in your situation.  I am a single Mom who works fulltime and pretty much does it on my own and I do not even have time to pee in private lol, but seriously the little one will be all grown before you know it and you can breathe and be proud of yourself for making him your priority.  There will always be more parties and events to attend, but watching our babies and being the biggest part/role model of their lfe is priceless.  Warm wishes!!

PaperClip811
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 9:03 AM
After reading all your replies I think you're probably doing the best you can. It does sound like he is whining about something he has made no attempt to remedy. I don't think it's weird for him to have his family watch DS occasionally. My, now dh's mom and dad kept DS for an entire weekend while we were dating. Granted we had been dating for 15 months at that time, but my son has an eowe dad so we had plenty of time for us sans kiddo without needing a sitter.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)