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My relationship has had a lot of ups and downs... I'm more than 90% sure that my marriage is over and that there is no saving it. I have one daughter and am carrying his son. 

I just don't have many places or people to turn to for the support you need in this kind of decision so I thought I'd try this group and see if there is any words of advise anyone can share or what. :/ 

Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

by on Nov. 6, 2012 at 6:09 PM
Replies (21-30):
manda-nicole010
by on Nov. 6, 2012 at 11:38 PM

I would definitely mention it. I mean either way, I did end up in the hospital that night. I had to lie about what happened in order to not have them call the cops on them so that won't help me any... but the fact that I did go is kind of proof of something. And my husband went to the police station to see if I had called the police on him. Idk if they'd remember or not anything but to me that's kind of admitting guilt in a sense? 

His family knows what happened and his sister went to the hospital with me. I just don't know if they'd stand on my side and say he did do it. I don't even know if I could ask them to do that.

 

Quoting MommyAJ2921:

Dependin on what state you live in I'd mention the altercations between you...even if you didn't report it. I don't think the courts would be so quick to allow visitation to a parent who'se been violent..just a thought.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

I know. :( My biggest fear isn't divorce; I may not want that but I know that is where we are heading. I have known it for a while. Joint custody is what scares me. He will get equal custody because he isn't a bad dad. I fear he's the kind that would talk bad about me and I don't think he would 'work' with me so to speak. 

I regret not reporting him the two times he put his hands on me that day. I won't make that mistake again if it comes to that.  

Quoting MommyAJ2921:

Wow...loathe as I am to say this...*sighin...* you may not WANT to divorce but he's been physically, verbally and emotionally abusive..divorce may be your only option and remember...you have a child to think about. We parents are the first example, be it good or bad of what relationships look like...just sayin.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

It's a pretty long story because I don't know what all would tie in to what. I'll do the best I can at including but keeping short and then questions can be asked from there. 

He lost his job about 4 months ago. We lost our home and moved in with his parents. He finally got a job down here not quite 2 weeks ago. So, a very stressful living situation.

I'm pregnant, moody, and stressed.

We had been fighting and they would get physical and violent and he would throw stuff and then drive off for hours. He'd call me names and scream at me even when I was holding our daughter and while I was pregnant. This started BEFORE he lost his job and before any stress started.

When we moved it got worse. I ended up in the ER because he threw me into the dashboard of the car three times and the last time just left the car in the middle of the road when some other man helped me figure out where I was and prevented others from hitting me. The reason he did this? We were fighting, he was speeding, we couldnt afford a ticket. I asked him to slow down. He refused. I asked agian. He refused to do the speed limit. I threatened to open the door and get out if he didn't slow down. He refused to slow down so I opened the door of the car while it was moving. (That's my mistake and my stupidity). He slammed the breaks, threw me into the dashboard on purpose for the third time that day and just got out leaving door open and everything screaming "fuck you" at me. I was pretty hurt and had to make sure baby was okay. - We both did really stupid things that day and I regret what i did and am ashamed for it. I admit it and know I was in the wrong. He tells me I deserved to be thrown into the dashboard and all he did was wrong scream fuck you at me.

I get home from the hospital. He is still mad. I'm still mad. (he didn't go to hospital with me btw) He gets pissed that I won't talk to him right away and when I do try to talk to him is still mad. He threatens to leave. Having no extra money we can't afford for him to just drive off. I try to stop him. He bends my fingers back (I was holding on to the car door). He then tries to force me back inside. Once on the porch he grabs me by the back of my neck and pushes me inside while squeezing. I'm standing in front of the couch by the time he lets me go and am in the way of something he wants (I don't know what it was). I turn to face him and he shoves me (denies doing this as well) and says I was just in the way. 

He drives off. When he finally gets home we go to bed, talk the next day everything seems fine.

He starts his attitude again at a later date. I am terrified of what his temper will push him to this time and when he does finally calm down I tell him that I'm done chasing him. He wants to leave, he can leave. I won't call or chase him. I'm done stopping him.

He hasn't just left since.

Since that conversation things started to get better. After a couple of weeks his attitude picks back up (he'd lost another job that he'd gotten in between the first on that fired him and the one he has now). It was due to physical violence, him and another employee got into a fight. Idk the details, don't know who is telling the truth, just know he got fired for it. 

His attitude gets bad enough during the time with his constant attitude. We fight some. I decide if he can't get his crap together come March when I'll have the means of leaving, that I'm gone. He realizes I'm that close to being done (idk how) and we talk. He promises to work on his attitude... and he does for a little while.

Then today it all stopped. He talked and had similar manerisms of the way he treated me when the fight got physical except this time it didn't. He tells our daughter to leave me along and says to her "mommy doesn't want you" because I had told her to stop doing something (she would turn my face while I was talking and we are working on teaching her not to do that).

I had been having an emotional day because of my family which he knew about and while cleaning the living room I found a pair of socks that had somehow gotten poop on them (no idea how). I couldn't tell what it was and so I ask if he knew. turns out he'd found them and SET them on a shelf instead of putting them away. Then gets mad at me for being upset and getting onto him about doing it. That leads to us fighting and him tearing me down and calling me a bad mother and saying our daughter never wants me and all I do is push her away.

This is far from the truth but he knows that being a bad mother is a bad fear of mine because of what my family has said to me because of the mothers I had growing up (abandoned in foster care by what and abused by the adopted one). I was around a lot of negative examples and never around good ones. I fight hard to not be the same type of mother. It's my biggest fear and weakness and he used it against me. :( I'm beyond crushed and after everything he has done, I just don't want to keep trying. 

(the reason he said i was a bad mother is because at night our daughter has the routine of 'relaxing' with her dad if she can't get to sleep. one night a few nights ago he had to do homework so she 'relaxed' with me... when he got off of his computer she wanted to finish relaxing with him - I told him it stung a little that she wanted him over me. He chose to use that exact example and what I shared with him against me).  

Quoting sthflachk:

Ok....so, spill. Tell us about it so we can help. But you have to tell both sides as you see it.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

Thank you. 

I'm hoping I find the support I need and some advice on whether or not it is even fixable. I guess that depends on him and the issues he's having though. I want to try but I can't handle the way he treats me anymore.  

Quoting sthflachk:

Awww. Welcome. Good luck. I hope you don't join our group very long if you can work things out.







Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

MommyAJ2921
by on Nov. 6, 2012 at 11:42 PM

I understand...personally speaking you wouldn't have to ask me..that's their granddaughter/niece...her safety and well being as well as yours would be at the forefront of my mind. 

Quoting manda-nicole010:

I would definitely mention it. I mean either way, I did end up in the hospital that night. I had to lie about what happened in order to not have them call the cops on them so that won't help me any... but the fact that I did go is kind of proof of something. And my husband went to the police station to see if I had called the police on him. Idk if they'd remember or not anything but to me that's kind of admitting guilt in a sense? 

His family knows what happened and his sister went to the hospital with me. I just don't know if they'd stand on my side and say he did do it. I don't even know if I could ask them to do that.

 

Quoting MommyAJ2921:

Dependin on what state you live in I'd mention the altercations between you...even if you didn't report it. I don't think the courts would be so quick to allow visitation to a parent who'se been violent..just a thought.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

I know. :( My biggest fear isn't divorce; I may not want that but I know that is where we are heading. I have known it for a while. Joint custody is what scares me. He will get equal custody because he isn't a bad dad. I fear he's the kind that would talk bad about me and I don't think he would 'work' with me so to speak. 

I regret not reporting him the two times he put his hands on me that day. I won't make that mistake again if it comes to that.  

Quoting MommyAJ2921:

Wow...loathe as I am to say this...*sighin...* you may not WANT to divorce but he's been physically, verbally and emotionally abusive..divorce may be your only option and remember...you have a child to think about. We parents are the first example, be it good or bad of what relationships look like...just sayin.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

It's a pretty long story because I don't know what all would tie in to what. I'll do the best I can at including but keeping short and then questions can be asked from there. 

He lost his job about 4 months ago. We lost our home and moved in with his parents. He finally got a job down here not quite 2 weeks ago. So, a very stressful living situation.

I'm pregnant, moody, and stressed.

We had been fighting and they would get physical and violent and he would throw stuff and then drive off for hours. He'd call me names and scream at me even when I was holding our daughter and while I was pregnant. This started BEFORE he lost his job and before any stress started.

When we moved it got worse. I ended up in the ER because he threw me into the dashboard of the car three times and the last time just left the car in the middle of the road when some other man helped me figure out where I was and prevented others from hitting me. The reason he did this? We were fighting, he was speeding, we couldnt afford a ticket. I asked him to slow down. He refused. I asked agian. He refused to do the speed limit. I threatened to open the door and get out if he didn't slow down. He refused to slow down so I opened the door of the car while it was moving. (That's my mistake and my stupidity). He slammed the breaks, threw me into the dashboard on purpose for the third time that day and just got out leaving door open and everything screaming "fuck you" at me. I was pretty hurt and had to make sure baby was okay. - We both did really stupid things that day and I regret what i did and am ashamed for it. I admit it and know I was in the wrong. He tells me I deserved to be thrown into the dashboard and all he did was wrong scream fuck you at me.

I get home from the hospital. He is still mad. I'm still mad. (he didn't go to hospital with me btw) He gets pissed that I won't talk to him right away and when I do try to talk to him is still mad. He threatens to leave. Having no extra money we can't afford for him to just drive off. I try to stop him. He bends my fingers back (I was holding on to the car door). He then tries to force me back inside. Once on the porch he grabs me by the back of my neck and pushes me inside while squeezing. I'm standing in front of the couch by the time he lets me go and am in the way of something he wants (I don't know what it was). I turn to face him and he shoves me (denies doing this as well) and says I was just in the way. 

He drives off. When he finally gets home we go to bed, talk the next day everything seems fine.

He starts his attitude again at a later date. I am terrified of what his temper will push him to this time and when he does finally calm down I tell him that I'm done chasing him. He wants to leave, he can leave. I won't call or chase him. I'm done stopping him.

He hasn't just left since.

Since that conversation things started to get better. After a couple of weeks his attitude picks back up (he'd lost another job that he'd gotten in between the first on that fired him and the one he has now). It was due to physical violence, him and another employee got into a fight. Idk the details, don't know who is telling the truth, just know he got fired for it. 

His attitude gets bad enough during the time with his constant attitude. We fight some. I decide if he can't get his crap together come March when I'll have the means of leaving, that I'm gone. He realizes I'm that close to being done (idk how) and we talk. He promises to work on his attitude... and he does for a little while.

Then today it all stopped. He talked and had similar manerisms of the way he treated me when the fight got physical except this time it didn't. He tells our daughter to leave me along and says to her "mommy doesn't want you" because I had told her to stop doing something (she would turn my face while I was talking and we are working on teaching her not to do that).

I had been having an emotional day because of my family which he knew about and while cleaning the living room I found a pair of socks that had somehow gotten poop on them (no idea how). I couldn't tell what it was and so I ask if he knew. turns out he'd found them and SET them on a shelf instead of putting them away. Then gets mad at me for being upset and getting onto him about doing it. That leads to us fighting and him tearing me down and calling me a bad mother and saying our daughter never wants me and all I do is push her away.

This is far from the truth but he knows that being a bad mother is a bad fear of mine because of what my family has said to me because of the mothers I had growing up (abandoned in foster care by what and abused by the adopted one). I was around a lot of negative examples and never around good ones. I fight hard to not be the same type of mother. It's my biggest fear and weakness and he used it against me. :( I'm beyond crushed and after everything he has done, I just don't want to keep trying. 

(the reason he said i was a bad mother is because at night our daughter has the routine of 'relaxing' with her dad if she can't get to sleep. one night a few nights ago he had to do homework so she 'relaxed' with me... when he got off of his computer she wanted to finish relaxing with him - I told him it stung a little that she wanted him over me. He chose to use that exact example and what I shared with him against me).  

Quoting sthflachk:

Ok....so, spill. Tell us about it so we can help. But you have to tell both sides as you see it.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

Thank you. 

I'm hoping I find the support I need and some advice on whether or not it is even fixable. I guess that depends on him and the issues he's having though. I want to try but I can't handle the way he treats me anymore.  

Quoting sthflachk:

Awww. Welcome. Good luck. I hope you don't join our group very long if you can work things out.








manda-nicole010
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 12:18 AM

Yeah :/ 

Quoting MommyAJ2921:

I understand...personally speaking you wouldn't have to ask me..that's their granddaughter/niece...her safety and well being as well as yours would be at the forefront of my mind. 

Quoting manda-nicole010:

I would definitely mention it. I mean either way, I did end up in the hospital that night. I had to lie about what happened in order to not have them call the cops on them so that won't help me any... but the fact that I did go is kind of proof of something. And my husband went to the police station to see if I had called the police on him. Idk if they'd remember or not anything but to me that's kind of admitting guilt in a sense? 

His family knows what happened and his sister went to the hospital with me. I just don't know if they'd stand on my side and say he did do it. I don't even know if I could ask them to do that.

 

Quoting MommyAJ2921:

Dependin on what state you live in I'd mention the altercations between you...even if you didn't report it. I don't think the courts would be so quick to allow visitation to a parent who'se been violent..just a thought.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

I know. :( My biggest fear isn't divorce; I may not want that but I know that is where we are heading. I have known it for a while. Joint custody is what scares me. He will get equal custody because he isn't a bad dad. I fear he's the kind that would talk bad about me and I don't think he would 'work' with me so to speak. 

I regret not reporting him the two times he put his hands on me that day. I won't make that mistake again if it comes to that.  

Quoting MommyAJ2921:

Wow...loathe as I am to say this...*sighin...* you may not WANT to divorce but he's been physically, verbally and emotionally abusive..divorce may be your only option and remember...you have a child to think about. We parents are the first example, be it good or bad of what relationships look like...just sayin.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

It's a pretty long story because I don't know what all would tie in to what. I'll do the best I can at including but keeping short and then questions can be asked from there. 

He lost his job about 4 months ago. We lost our home and moved in with his parents. He finally got a job down here not quite 2 weeks ago. So, a very stressful living situation.

I'm pregnant, moody, and stressed.

We had been fighting and they would get physical and violent and he would throw stuff and then drive off for hours. He'd call me names and scream at me even when I was holding our daughter and while I was pregnant. This started BEFORE he lost his job and before any stress started.

When we moved it got worse. I ended up in the ER because he threw me into the dashboard of the car three times and the last time just left the car in the middle of the road when some other man helped me figure out where I was and prevented others from hitting me. The reason he did this? We were fighting, he was speeding, we couldnt afford a ticket. I asked him to slow down. He refused. I asked agian. He refused to do the speed limit. I threatened to open the door and get out if he didn't slow down. He refused to slow down so I opened the door of the car while it was moving. (That's my mistake and my stupidity). He slammed the breaks, threw me into the dashboard on purpose for the third time that day and just got out leaving door open and everything screaming "fuck you" at me. I was pretty hurt and had to make sure baby was okay. - We both did really stupid things that day and I regret what i did and am ashamed for it. I admit it and know I was in the wrong. He tells me I deserved to be thrown into the dashboard and all he did was wrong scream fuck you at me.

I get home from the hospital. He is still mad. I'm still mad. (he didn't go to hospital with me btw) He gets pissed that I won't talk to him right away and when I do try to talk to him is still mad. He threatens to leave. Having no extra money we can't afford for him to just drive off. I try to stop him. He bends my fingers back (I was holding on to the car door). He then tries to force me back inside. Once on the porch he grabs me by the back of my neck and pushes me inside while squeezing. I'm standing in front of the couch by the time he lets me go and am in the way of something he wants (I don't know what it was). I turn to face him and he shoves me (denies doing this as well) and says I was just in the way. 

He drives off. When he finally gets home we go to bed, talk the next day everything seems fine.

He starts his attitude again at a later date. I am terrified of what his temper will push him to this time and when he does finally calm down I tell him that I'm done chasing him. He wants to leave, he can leave. I won't call or chase him. I'm done stopping him.

He hasn't just left since.

Since that conversation things started to get better. After a couple of weeks his attitude picks back up (he'd lost another job that he'd gotten in between the first on that fired him and the one he has now). It was due to physical violence, him and another employee got into a fight. Idk the details, don't know who is telling the truth, just know he got fired for it. 

His attitude gets bad enough during the time with his constant attitude. We fight some. I decide if he can't get his crap together come March when I'll have the means of leaving, that I'm gone. He realizes I'm that close to being done (idk how) and we talk. He promises to work on his attitude... and he does for a little while.

Then today it all stopped. He talked and had similar manerisms of the way he treated me when the fight got physical except this time it didn't. He tells our daughter to leave me along and says to her "mommy doesn't want you" because I had told her to stop doing something (she would turn my face while I was talking and we are working on teaching her not to do that).

I had been having an emotional day because of my family which he knew about and while cleaning the living room I found a pair of socks that had somehow gotten poop on them (no idea how). I couldn't tell what it was and so I ask if he knew. turns out he'd found them and SET them on a shelf instead of putting them away. Then gets mad at me for being upset and getting onto him about doing it. That leads to us fighting and him tearing me down and calling me a bad mother and saying our daughter never wants me and all I do is push her away.

This is far from the truth but he knows that being a bad mother is a bad fear of mine because of what my family has said to me because of the mothers I had growing up (abandoned in foster care by what and abused by the adopted one). I was around a lot of negative examples and never around good ones. I fight hard to not be the same type of mother. It's my biggest fear and weakness and he used it against me. :( I'm beyond crushed and after everything he has done, I just don't want to keep trying. 

(the reason he said i was a bad mother is because at night our daughter has the routine of 'relaxing' with her dad if she can't get to sleep. one night a few nights ago he had to do homework so she 'relaxed' with me... when he got off of his computer she wanted to finish relaxing with him - I told him it stung a little that she wanted him over me. He chose to use that exact example and what I shared with him against me).  

Quoting sthflachk:

Ok....so, spill. Tell us about it so we can help. But you have to tell both sides as you see it.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

Thank you. 

I'm hoping I find the support I need and some advice on whether or not it is even fixable. I guess that depends on him and the issues he's having though. I want to try but I can't handle the way he treats me anymore.  

Quoting sthflachk:

Awww. Welcome. Good luck. I hope you don't join our group very long if you can work things out.









Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

dorren
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 12:26 AM
you just cant wait to die of stress and diseases related to stress coz of a marriage that is not working and you've tried your best,risk your life and your kids together with the lord and start living your own life and watch your children grow and blossom
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
strngenough
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 1:32 AM
Well, here's what made up my mind. The relationship you have is the relationship you teach your kids is ok. So, you stay with a man who slams you pregnant into a dash board then curses at you, you are telling your daughter that this is how men are supposed to treat women. You are teaching your son that this is how men, he, should treat women. Remember that.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
manda-nicole010
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 1:46 AM

Yeah, I know. All of that is why I've come to where I am at in this relationship. :/

Quoting strngenough:

Well, here's what made up my mind. The relationship you have is the relationship you teach your kids is ok. So, you stay with a man who slams you pregnant into a dash board then curses at you, you are telling your daughter that this is how men are supposed to treat women. You are teaching your son that this is how men, he, should treat women. Remember that.


Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

Chellie13
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 7:52 AM

Maybe being separated is just what you guys need right now.  Sometimes, people need to step back and prioritize things   But for your sanity, maybe that would be for the best.  Whatever happens, happens.  I tried counselling with my ex and he just made it all a joke.  He didn't care.  You can't carry a relationship on your own shoulders.  Either he puts in the effort and changes, or you need to make that decision.

I'm sorry you're faced with this while being pregnant.  That's exactly how I felt, when I was pregnant with my ex's second child.  I didn't even want him in the delivery room with me (but he was).  I just knew in my heart the marriage was over.

So sorry.  But hope for the best.  Remember, you have two children to think about now, with or without him.  So, chin up!  Meditate, pray (whatever you do or whatever you call it).

Good luck!

LifeCafe42
by Nora on Nov. 7, 2012 at 8:56 AM
Hugs mama! Welcome to the group!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
LauraMH
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 11:56 AM

I have to say that some of these responses have been very upsetting to me. To see the amount of people so uneducated on abusive situations is disturbing. I am so sorry that you are going through this in your marriage, but my advice would be to leave as soon as possible. he will not get better. Couples/marriage counseling in abusive relationship will actually make the situation worse and is never recommended. I would encourage you to seek counseling for yourself with a domestic violence counselor. Most shelters offer them at no cost. They can also help you to leave safely. You need to document EVERYTHING that happens. Save any voice mails, texts, e-mails, letters, hospital reports, anything that shows his pattern of behavior.

Even with all these things, the divorce will be very difficult. Abusers are able to manipulate courts with ease, so be prepared. Courts are extremely uneducated and ignorant when it comes to divorces involving domestic violence. Even with history of prior abuse or restraining orders, it is still difficult to "convince" the courts that he is a danger to not only you but your children as well. Whether you think he is or not, abusive men are not good fathers. A good father would not say those things to his 4 year old daughter. He would not say the things he does to you in front of her. He would not hurt you while you are carrying his child. These things alone prove that he puts himself and his own selfishness before his children. It will be one the most difficult roads you will travel on but one that is necessary to keep you and your children safe.

What you are in right now is the "cycle" of abuse. You go from the honeymoon stage where everything is great, to the stage where tension begins to build, and then onto the blow up stage where he becomes physical with you. From what I read, the times between your phases are getting less and less. The abuse will continue to worsen over time. Abusers do not just "get better". They become better at manipulation and blame making you believe that they are getting better. These dynamics are very confusing and I can see some self blame in what you wrote. Nothing you have done, EVER justifies him hurting you. No matter how stressed he is. You never deserve to be hurt. Please message me privately if you ever want to talk. Stay safe, you will get through this.

strngenough
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 12:35 PM
I had to do the same thing. I feel good about it and the future even though the present sucks.


Quoting manda-nicole010:

Yeah, I know. All of that is why I've come to where I am at in this relationship. :/

Quoting strngenough:

Well, here's what made up my mind. The relationship you have is the relationship you teach your kids is ok. So, you stay with a man who slams you pregnant into a dash board then curses at you, you are telling your daughter that this is how men are supposed to treat women. You are teaching your son that this is how men, he, should treat women. Remember that.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
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