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My relationship has had a lot of ups and downs... I'm more than 90% sure that my marriage is over and that there is no saving it. I have one daughter and am carrying his son. 

I just don't have many places or people to turn to for the support you need in this kind of decision so I thought I'd try this group and see if there is any words of advise anyone can share or what. :/ 

Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

by on Nov. 6, 2012 at 6:09 PM
Replies (31-40):
manda-nicole010
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 12:44 PM

Last night he justified what he said to our daughter by informing me that me telling her to leave me alone is the same as saying I don't want her and what he says is okay because he makes sure to add "right now" or "today" to the end of "mommy doesn't want you". He also told me is is an angry person and always will be and I married him like that so I need to suck it up. 

I don't think I love him anymore. The thought of him touching makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be romantic. I don't want to go places with him. I don't want to talk to him. He is mean and I don't like him. I just need to play my cards right so I get my children. He is heavily considering joining the military. I don't know if that would be a good thing or not but I think that it could be. :/

I know I need to leave. I just feel like I'll face a lot more consequences if I do that. Does that make sense? I don't have documentation. I have no proof. I need to get it. Last night showed me that he will never change. He doesn't want to change. And he doesn't love me regardless of what he says.  

Quoting LauraMH:

I have to say that some of these responses have been very upsetting to me. To see the amount of people so uneducated on abusive situations is disturbing. I am so sorry that you are going through this in your marriage, but my advice would be to leave as soon as possible. he will not get better. Couples/marriage counseling in abusive relationship will actually make the situation worse and is never recommended. I would encourage you to seek counseling for yourself with a domestic violence counselor. Most shelters offer them at no cost. They can also help you to leave safely. You need to document EVERYTHING that happens. Save any voice mails, texts, e-mails, letters, hospital reports, anything that shows his pattern of behavior.

Even with all these things, the divorce will be very difficult. Abusers are able to manipulate courts with ease, so be prepared. Courts are extremely uneducated and ignorant when it comes to divorces involving domestic violence. Even with history of prior abuse or restraining orders, it is still difficult to "convince" the courts that he is a danger to not only you but your children as well. Whether you think he is or not, abusive men are not good fathers. A good father would not say those things to his 4 year old daughter. He would not say the things he does to you in front of her. He would not hurt you while you are carrying his child. These things alone prove that he puts himself and his own selfishness before his children. It will be one the most difficult roads you will travel on but one that is necessary to keep you and your children safe.

What you are in right now is the "cycle" of abuse. You go from the honeymoon stage where everything is great, to the stage where tension begins to build, and then onto the blow up stage where he becomes physical with you. From what I read, the times between your phases are getting less and less. The abuse will continue to worsen over time. Abusers do not just "get better". They become better at manipulation and blame making you believe that they are getting better. These dynamics are very confusing and I can see some self blame in what you wrote. Nothing you have done, EVER justifies him hurting you. No matter how stressed he is. You never deserve to be hurt. Please message me privately if you ever want to talk. Stay safe, you will get through this.


Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

manda-nicole010
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 12:45 PM

I don't want him in the delivery room with me either. I don't want him at any of my appointments or my next ultrasound. I'm trying really hard to figure out how to get what I want without being obvious though. I just don't want him to be a part of those memories... he's already a part of too many.

Quoting Chellie13:

Maybe being separated is just what you guys need right now.  Sometimes, people need to step back and prioritize things   But for your sanity, maybe that would be for the best.  Whatever happens, happens.  I tried counselling with my ex and he just made it all a joke.  He didn't care.  You can't carry a relationship on your own shoulders.  Either he puts in the effort and changes, or you need to make that decision.

I'm sorry you're faced with this while being pregnant.  That's exactly how I felt, when I was pregnant with my ex's second child.  I didn't even want him in the delivery room with me (but he was).  I just knew in my heart the marriage was over.

So sorry.  But hope for the best.  Remember, you have two children to think about now, with or without him.  So, chin up!  Meditate, pray (whatever you do or whatever you call it).

Good luck!


Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

LauraMH
by Bronze Member on Nov. 7, 2012 at 2:49 PM

He will continue to justify everything he does, that does not make it ok. What he is doing is wrong. Whether he puts "right now" or "today" at the end of what he says, he is telling her and drilling it in her head that her mother doesn't want her. And that is not the same as telling her to leave you alone at a certain moment. Abuse (mental, physical, emotional, etc) takes an enormous amount of energy and by asking your daughter to leave you alone that is actually a way you are trying to (subconsciously) protect her from everything going on around her.

The abuse will effect you and your children more than you know. I remember getting physically ill when my ex would touch me. I truly despised him, and those feelings will only worsen. If you don't have anything documented, start now. Leaving with your daughter to go to a shelter may be beneficial to you also. They have advocates that can go to court with you.

I know exactly what you mean about having more consequences from leaving and this is what I think of that now that I am on the other side of all this. Yes, there are consequences of leaving an abuser, it is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship and most women go back. On average women leave 7 times before they leave for good. I left mine 4 times. It does not get better to go back no matter what you are told. BUT, the consequences are temporary. Now, you can not escape him, now he has control over your life, now your daughter is witnessing abuse. When your out, he looses control and you gain your life back, you have the option to hang up on him, leave when around him, you can ignore him and show your daughter what love really means. You can raise her to know what it feels like to be safe. You can be safe. You can be happy. You can be healthy. And best of all, you can heal. There are consequences either way, whether you stay or go. But the consequences of leaving are far better than staying. As I said before, abuse only escalates. You do not deserve any of it. It took me ten years to realize that. You deserve a life free of control and pain. And you can have it.

Don't justify his behavior, NOTHING you did justifies his abuse. It took me months to realize that. I know where you are at right now and counseling is so important for you right now. I know it sounds messed up, why do you have to get help when he is the one that is abusive. But unfortuntely that is how it works and you need to be able to talk to someone who understands and can walk you through all this. I don't know if you like to read, but if you do, the most amazing book that helped me was "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I would encourage you to read that, it is very eye opening and will help you to realize what exactly is going on.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

Last night he justified what he said to our daughter by informing me that me telling her to leave me alone is the same as saying I don't want her and what he says is okay because he makes sure to add "right now" or "today" to the end of "mommy doesn't want you". He also told me is is an angry person and always will be and I married him like that so I need to suck it up. 

I don't think I love him anymore. The thought of him touching makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be romantic. I don't want to go places with him. I don't want to talk to him. He is mean and I don't like him. I just need to play my cards right so I get my children. He is heavily considering joining the military. I don't know if that would be a good thing or not but I think that it could be. :/

I know I need to leave. I just feel like I'll face a lot more consequences if I do that. Does that make sense? I don't have documentation. I have no proof. I need to get it. Last night showed me that he will never change. He doesn't want to change. And he doesn't love me regardless of what he says.  

Quoting LauraMH:

I have to say that some of these responses have been very upsetting to me. To see the amount of people so uneducated on abusive situations is disturbing. I am so sorry that you are going through this in your marriage, but my advice would be to leave as soon as possible. he will not get better. Couples/marriage counseling in abusive relationship will actually make the situation worse and is never recommended. I would encourage you to seek counseling for yourself with a domestic violence counselor. Most shelters offer them at no cost. They can also help you to leave safely. You need to document EVERYTHING that happens. Save any voice mails, texts, e-mails, letters, hospital reports, anything that shows his pattern of behavior.

Even with all these things, the divorce will be very difficult. Abusers are able to manipulate courts with ease, so be prepared. Courts are extremely uneducated and ignorant when it comes to divorces involving domestic violence. Even with history of prior abuse or restraining orders, it is still difficult to "convince" the courts that he is a danger to not only you but your children as well. Whether you think he is or not, abusive men are not good fathers. A good father would not say those things to his 4 year old daughter. He would not say the things he does to you in front of her. He would not hurt you while you are carrying his child. These things alone prove that he puts himself and his own selfishness before his children. It will be one the most difficult roads you will travel on but one that is necessary to keep you and your children safe.

What you are in right now is the "cycle" of abuse. You go from the honeymoon stage where everything is great, to the stage where tension begins to build, and then onto the blow up stage where he becomes physical with you. From what I read, the times between your phases are getting less and less. The abuse will continue to worsen over time. Abusers do not just "get better". They become better at manipulation and blame making you believe that they are getting better. These dynamics are very confusing and I can see some self blame in what you wrote. Nothing you have done, EVER justifies him hurting you. No matter how stressed he is. You never deserve to be hurt. Please message me privately if you ever want to talk. Stay safe, you will get through this.



michiganmom5150
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 5:19 PM
I was in an abusive relationship. You need to get out. He could have hurt you bad or your unborn baby with that car shit he pulled. You should have called the police and had his butt in jail more than once. He grabs you or anything it's assault. He needs anger management. It's obvious that it's not just you of he lost his job for fighting. He's got a bad temper and is only going to get worse. My ex berated me constantly, but I married him anyway. 2 months later he grabbed me. It only escalated from there. I forgave him and it went to slapping, hair pulling and being slammed into walls. Hardest thing I ever did was leave. I still loved him despite the abuse. My self-esteem was so low. You need help mama. I can tell you love him, but think of it this way. Your dd sees this. She's going to grow up thinking this is normal, ok behavior. Do you want her with someone like that? My kids dad always talked down to me, and it took a year to get my kids to not disrespect me. They learned that it was ok to talk to mom that way. Dad did. This is not ok for kids to learn this. PM me if you need to talk. Please get help. You have 2 babies to think about.
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michiganmom5150
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 5:29 PM
You can tell your doctor this and they can make up some stupid excuse why he can't be without you being the bad guy. There's not room, or your Bp is high and you need to be alone. Sneak in your mom or whoever you do want in there!


Quoting manda-nicole010:

I don't want him in the delivery room with me either. I don't want him at any of my appointments or my next ultrasound. I'm trying really hard to figure out how to get what I want without being obvious though. I just don't want him to be a part of those memories... he's already a part of too many.

Quoting Chellie13:

Maybe being separated is just what you guys need right now.  Sometimes, people need to step back and prioritize things   But for your sanity, maybe that would be for the best.  Whatever happens, happens.  I tried counselling with my ex and he just made it all a joke.  He didn't care.  You can't carry a relationship on your own shoulders.  Either he puts in the effort and changes, or you need to make that decision.


I'm sorry you're faced with this while being pregnant.  That's exactly how I felt, when I was pregnant with my ex's second child.  I didn't even want him in the delivery room with me (but he was).  I just knew in my heart the marriage was over.


So sorry.  But hope for the best.  Remember, you have two children to think about now, with or without him.  So, chin up!  Meditate, pray (whatever you do or whatever you call it).


Good luck!



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manda-nicole010
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 5:37 PM

That is part of what I am trying to avoid. When I leave I want to be able to truly leave. I'm trying to approach this as logically as possible so I can protect myself. I do know that if I leave before I am ready that I will go back and that it will only get worse and worse from there. :/ 

I will look into the book, thank you.  

Quoting LauraMH:

He will continue to justify everything he does, that does not make it ok. What he is doing is wrong. Whether he puts "right now" or "today" at the end of what he says, he is telling her and drilling it in her head that her mother doesn't want her. And that is not the same as telling her to leave you alone at a certain moment. Abuse (mental, physical, emotional, etc) takes an enormous amount of energy and by asking your daughter to leave you alone that is actually a way you are trying to (subconsciously) protect her from everything going on around her.

The abuse will effect you and your children more than you know. I remember getting physically ill when my ex would touch me. I truly despised him, and those feelings will only worsen. If you don't have anything documented, start now. Leaving with your daughter to go to a shelter may be beneficial to you also. They have advocates that can go to court with you.

I know exactly what you mean about having more consequences from leaving and this is what I think of that now that I am on the other side of all this. Yes, there are consequences of leaving an abuser, it is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship and most women go back. On average women leave 7 times before they leave for good. I left mine 4 times. It does not get better to go back no matter what you are told. BUT, the consequences are temporary. Now, you can not escape him, now he has control over your life, now your daughter is witnessing abuse. When your out, he looses control and you gain your life back, you have the option to hang up on him, leave when around him, you can ignore him and show your daughter what love really means. You can raise her to know what it feels like to be safe. You can be safe. You can be happy. You can be healthy. And best of all, you can heal. There are consequences either way, whether you stay or go. But the consequences of leaving are far better than staying. As I said before, abuse only escalates. You do not deserve any of it. It took me ten years to realize that. You deserve a life free of control and pain. And you can have it.

Don't justify his behavior, NOTHING you did justifies his abuse. It took me months to realize that. I know where you are at right now and counseling is so important for you right now. I know it sounds messed up, why do you have to get help when he is the one that is abusive. But unfortuntely that is how it works and you need to be able to talk to someone who understands and can walk you through all this. I don't know if you like to read, but if you do, the most amazing book that helped me was "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I would encourage you to read that, it is very eye opening and will help you to realize what exactly is going on.

Quoting manda-nicole010:

Last night he justified what he said to our daughter by informing me that me telling her to leave me alone is the same as saying I don't want her and what he says is okay because he makes sure to add "right now" or "today" to the end of "mommy doesn't want you". He also told me is is an angry person and always will be and I married him like that so I need to suck it up. 

I don't think I love him anymore. The thought of him touching makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be romantic. I don't want to go places with him. I don't want to talk to him. He is mean and I don't like him. I just need to play my cards right so I get my children. He is heavily considering joining the military. I don't know if that would be a good thing or not but I think that it could be. :/

I know I need to leave. I just feel like I'll face a lot more consequences if I do that. Does that make sense? I don't have documentation. I have no proof. I need to get it. Last night showed me that he will never change. He doesn't want to change. And he doesn't love me regardless of what he says.  

Quoting LauraMH:

I have to say that some of these responses have been very upsetting to me. To see the amount of people so uneducated on abusive situations is disturbing. I am so sorry that you are going through this in your marriage, but my advice would be to leave as soon as possible. he will not get better. Couples/marriage counseling in abusive relationship will actually make the situation worse and is never recommended. I would encourage you to seek counseling for yourself with a domestic violence counselor. Most shelters offer them at no cost. They can also help you to leave safely. You need to document EVERYTHING that happens. Save any voice mails, texts, e-mails, letters, hospital reports, anything that shows his pattern of behavior.

Even with all these things, the divorce will be very difficult. Abusers are able to manipulate courts with ease, so be prepared. Courts are extremely uneducated and ignorant when it comes to divorces involving domestic violence. Even with history of prior abuse or restraining orders, it is still difficult to "convince" the courts that he is a danger to not only you but your children as well. Whether you think he is or not, abusive men are not good fathers. A good father would not say those things to his 4 year old daughter. He would not say the things he does to you in front of her. He would not hurt you while you are carrying his child. These things alone prove that he puts himself and his own selfishness before his children. It will be one the most difficult roads you will travel on but one that is necessary to keep you and your children safe.

What you are in right now is the "cycle" of abuse. You go from the honeymoon stage where everything is great, to the stage where tension begins to build, and then onto the blow up stage where he becomes physical with you. From what I read, the times between your phases are getting less and less. The abuse will continue to worsen over time. Abusers do not just "get better". They become better at manipulation and blame making you believe that they are getting better. These dynamics are very confusing and I can see some self blame in what you wrote. Nothing you have done, EVER justifies him hurting you. No matter how stressed he is. You never deserve to be hurt. Please message me privately if you ever want to talk. Stay safe, you will get through this.




Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

manda-nicole010
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 5:42 PM

We contacted a counselor today through a church. I believe its a requirement in this state to go through marriage counseling anyways so, I want to try that. I made the mistake of not calling the police. I won't make that mistake again and he knows it... and he believes me. 

Today he threatened to smash in the car window because I had the keys and he couldn't get in to it. He grabbed some tool and headed over to it. I told him right then, you do it and I'm calling the police. He decided not to do it.

I don't want to fall into the cycle of leaving and coming back, I want to protect myself and if it is a matter of medication and therapy, I want him to try that. I know i can't make him and we've come to the point that he has to get the help he needs or nothing else will change. I know I can make it on my own.

I contacted a lady in my hometown where I would move if he and I do indeed separate to see if she could help me get a job. She thinks she can or at least put in a good word for me. I have some other connections that might be able to help. I'm also very close to being qualified to sub teach so I'll be looking into that as well. I'm looking for ways to get a place and support my children so he can't use that against me. I have a friend who will let me move in with her and we can be room mates so that will help my case as well.  

Quoting michiganmom5150:

I was in an abusive relationship. You need to get out. He could have hurt you bad or your unborn baby with that car shit he pulled. You should have called the police and had his butt in jail more than once. He grabs you or anything it's assault. He needs anger management. It's obvious that it's not just you of he lost his job for fighting. He's got a bad temper and is only going to get worse. My ex berated me constantly, but I married him anyway. 2 months later he grabbed me. It only escalated from there. I forgave him and it went to slapping, hair pulling and being slammed into walls. Hardest thing I ever did was leave. I still loved him despite the abuse. My self-esteem was so low. You need help mama. I can tell you love him, but think of it this way. Your dd sees this. She's going to grow up thinking this is normal, ok behavior. Do you want her with someone like that? My kids dad always talked down to me, and it took a year to get my kids to not disrespect me. They learned that it was ok to talk to mom that way. Dad did. This is not ok for kids to learn this. PM me if you need to talk. Please get help. You have 2 babies to think about.


Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

michiganmom5150
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 5:44 PM
I am with LauraMH, I left 4 times as well. Took my mom driving me to a lawyer w/o telling me, making a statement and just leaving it, 'just in case'. The next time he really got crazy on me, I left, my mom and I were 1,500 miles away the next day when I had him served. I knew he's come after me. Was glad we had no kids. He stalked me for months. Threatened me. It's the most dangerous time, but when you get through it, you are so much stronger. Find a lawyer with DV experience. Like ^^ she said, they know how to manipulate people. They are often charming and very narcissisistic people. Think they can't lose. Mine was an out and out sociopath. Just like that Scott Peterson guy. They have a way of twisting things around. U need someone who has dealt with people like this.
From experience, counseling does make things worse. It would be good for a day or two after, then he would explode in a rage. I tried this exercise the counselor reccomended to me when I could tell he was about to blow up and he threw my purse across a department store. It spilled all over and he stood there yelling at me to pick it up, u shouldn't be so careless. Yep, great job counselor. I was humiliated. I'm not a fan. You, yourself and possibly your dd could benefit from counseling. You need to know this is not your fault. You said you know you shouldn't have done things...that tells me you believe him. You can do as you please. That doesn't give him the right to hurt you. You need to know this. A few of us have been there. If you can't get out right away, try to put aside money if you can. I had $500 stashed at my Mom's. Document everything. Dates, times, what happened. Pictures if it's something visible. Call the police if you need to. You may need this. Ask at a women's shelter or dv place for referrals and assistance. They will have great advice and know the local laws. Please be safe!
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ittybit2012
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 5:45 PM
Divorce sucks. Have you gone to counseling by yourself?
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manda-nicole010
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 6:28 PM

When I said that I know I've done things to I wasn't taking responsibility for what HE did and I made that clear to him. When he threw me into the dashboard I had opened the car door. He blames me. I told him that I shouldn't have opened the car door but that does NOT change what he did or make what he did okay. I just shouldn't have done it because it was dangerous for me and my unborn child and it was stupid. He was trying to use that to justify what he did... I know I shouldn't have done it but I also know that the reason I shouldn't have done it do NOT include "so you wouldn't throw me into a dashboard for the third time that day". I don't blame myself for how he responds. Sometimes I start to... I see myself starting that cycle and I stop it. 

I noticed it the most when I didn't call the cops on him for what he did. I dont want to be that victim. I've been the victim my entire life (child abuse to the extreme). I have studied and studied abuse. I know the signs, the cycles and what happens. I'm trying to do what is right without falling into those and it is hard. It's scary.

I'm afraid counselling will make it worse as well. I think the only type that will help will be him going alone and doing anger management. :/  

Quoting michiganmom5150:

I am with LauraMH, I left 4 times as well. Took my mom driving me to a lawyer w/o telling me, making a statement and just leaving it, 'just in case'. The next time he really got crazy on me, I left, my mom and I were 1,500 miles away the next day when I had him served. I knew he's come after me. Was glad we had no kids. He stalked me for months. Threatened me. It's the most dangerous time, but when you get through it, you are so much stronger. Find a lawyer with DV experience. Like ^^ she said, they know how to manipulate people. They are often charming and very narcissisistic people. Think they can't lose. Mine was an out and out sociopath. Just like that Scott Peterson guy. They have a way of twisting things around. U need someone who has dealt with people like this.
From experience, counseling does make things worse. It would be good for a day or two after, then he would explode in a rage. I tried this exercise the counselor reccomended to me when I could tell he was about to blow up and he threw my purse across a department store. It spilled all over and he stood there yelling at me to pick it up, u shouldn't be so careless. Yep, great job counselor. I was humiliated. I'm not a fan. You, yourself and possibly your dd could benefit from counseling. You need to know this is not your fault. You said you know you shouldn't have done things...that tells me you believe him. You can do as you please. That doesn't give him the right to hurt you. You need to know this. A few of us have been there. If you can't get out right away, try to put aside money if you can. I had $500 stashed at my Mom's. Document everything. Dates, times, what happened. Pictures if it's something visible. Call the police if you need to. You may need this. Ask at a women's shelter or dv place for referrals and assistance. They will have great advice and know the local laws. Please be safe!


Follow my blog to read about my second pregnancy and the crazy, chaos that will be sure to happen with a toddler and a pregnancy! Toddler + Pregnancy = Chaos You can also follow my other blog about my first daughter at Everything Emeny

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