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"Daddy leaved, to work, I sad."

Posted by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 2:22 PM
  • 26 Replies

I need opinions... Sorry this is a long post but I want to give some back ground.

My daughter will be 3 in January. My daughter's father has ACCESS only. I have SOLE CUSTODY. Our Child Agreement was set up when she was 1 year old, and he had access days as Tuesday 7am - 5pm and Thursday 7am - 5pm.

He plays guitar and sings in cover bands in bars. So he can NOT take her weekends, due to his 'work' and since my current job is close to his house, he gets it easy by having me bring my daughter with me to work for him to pick her up. His current 'contract' is for Wed, Thurs, Fri and Saturday nights.

Since she was 2 years old, I have allowed him to take her Monday overnight and bring her back Tuesday. He fought me tooth and nail to get overnight. Monday he claimed was the best night for his 'work' schedule.

We've had battles over this, because occassionally I have Monday off work due to holidays, and he gets all bent out of shape at having to drive to my house (40 minute drive to my home from his and then 40 back again) to get his child. OR for instance when I had (Canadian) Thanksgiving. He accused me of stealing his day and called me a dictator - when it was actually him that refused to come pick up his daughter because it was too far to drive AND I offered him another day. He doesn't even celebrate holidays!

In fact I go out of my way to accommodate his schedule - for my daughter to be able to see him. Everyone thinks I am too easy on him.


Then this week happened - and this is what I need your opinions on.

Monday morning I texted him (like usual - we don't talk on the phone only text because he gets in trouble I guess? I don't know why?) so I texted him that I was leaving my house and on the way to my work with my daughter. Normally he responds with "OK" but this time he didn't. Some times he doesn't respond if he is in a pissy mood. So I drove to work. Texted him when I arrived, that we were there. No response. So I waited about 10 minutes then called him. I frankly had thoughts that he was in the drunk tank (it has happened in the past) but instead he answered, clearly stunned. I had woken him up. He rushed over and picked up my daughter.

Then on Tuesday when he dropped her off at my work, I reminded him that next Monday is a holiday for me. Here in Canada it is Rememberance Day and I have it off work. I just looked at him waiting for his reply. He said he guessed he would have to come get her from my house. I said fine. Then he said he had an offer to work that Monday night, so I suggested he take her Tuesday-Wed instead. He said that would be good because he only really has Tuesday nights free now. That sat funny in my head but I didn't ask about it, and we went on our way.

Then my daughter who talks very well, told me "Daddy leaved, to work, I sad." So I repeated it back to her as a question and she sadly said "yah". So I texted him, and just said that she said that, and suggested that he could have asked to switch nights if he had to work.

He texted me back saying it was a last minute gig from 10pm-12am and that she was asleep when he left and he left her with his girlfriend and for me to not suggest what he should do and get over him and his girlfriend. I don't have issue with him leaving my daughter with his girlfriend - which is what he is making it out to be. I am sure my daughter was okay, but she was upset that her dad left her. Clearly my daughter was aware he left, either awake when he left or woke up after he was gone, because she told me she was sad because he left for work.

And there in lies my issue with this.

His access days are to spend time with his daughter. He DEMANDED to have overnight, when technically we don't have a legal agreement for them and I gave him overnight on the belief that he would be with her during those nights because he didn't have obligations to 'work' in the bar.

In this case - HE CHOSE to leave and go to the bar to do the gig. He didn't HAVE TO, he decided to do it and leave his child. It was not necessary for him to leave for his 'work'. There is NO REASON he should have.

He decided to abandon his responsibility as a parent, to pop off to the bar, play a gig, get a few bucks and a bunch of free beer. THAT IS MY ISSUE with his actions. I also don't know how many times he has done this in the past. So now I am considering going back to our original legal agreement with NO overnights.

What would you do in my situation? Would you be pissed that he buggered off to the bar? 

by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 2:22 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Nov. 7, 2012 at 2:28 PM
You can be irritated all you want but if its his job and he got paid that's his deal. You have to learn to let go of what you can't control. Focus on you and being a good mom. It doesn't sound like he did a bad thing. Yeah drinking when it's his night with the kid sure. At least his gf babysat and hopefully is reliable. He's lame but what can you do about that? Kwim?
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Kace323
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 2:33 PM
1 mom liked this

First of all, he sounds like my daughter's dad. Second, my boyfriend is in multiple bands and I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as a "last minute gig" not in the same day.  He likely knew about this gig and did not tell you, which could have fixed a lot of things. Men's brains are ridiculous.  You could have prepared your daughter for him leaving late at night or even knowing that she'd be staying with his girlfriend. 

I would definitely be pissed.  My daughters dad used to get my DD and drive her straight to his mom's and out to the bar he'd go.  I'd be out with my boyfriend thinking my daughter was spending some quality time with her dad and I'd run in to him.  IDIOT.

Maybe you should tell him you want to go back to what is legally agreed upon and that if he would like to change that he can pay the court costs.

Barblicious
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 2:41 PM

The thing is it is NOT his job. His normal contracted gig is at one bar, from Wed-Saturday nights. His other 'work' is whenever he wants to...

This Monday ngiht gig was not his contracted bar.  This is not a 9-5 normal job. His buddy phoned him up and said hey you want to come play a show and he said yes and left his kid. 

So that is the problem.

It is not like he is a doctor on call LMAO. 

Quoting MeeshMom:

You can be irritated all you want but if its his job and he got paid that's his deal. You have to learn to let go of what you can't control. Focus on you and being a good mom. It doesn't sound like he did a bad thing. Yeah drinking when it's his night with the kid sure. At least his gf babysat and hopefully is reliable. He's lame but what can you do about that? Kwim?


Barblicious
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 2:43 PM

Occassionally he will get a call from one of his musician buddies asking him to 'fill in' last minute for some other musician that has bailed on some random cover band gig.

He has the option to say no.

In this case he clearly didn't say no. Or as you said he knew well in advance.

Quoting Kace323:

First of all, he sounds like my daughter's dad. Second, my boyfriend is in multiple bands and I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as a "last minute gig" not in the same day.  He likely knew about this gig and did not tell you, which could have fixed a lot of things. Men's brains are ridiculous.  You could have prepared your daughter for him leaving late at night or even knowing that she'd be staying with his girlfriend. 

I would definitely be pissed.  My daughters dad used to get my DD and drive her straight to his mom's and out to the bar he'd go.  I'd be out with my boyfriend thinking my daughter was spending some quality time with her dad and I'd run in to him.  IDIOT.

Maybe you should tell him you want to go back to what is legally agreed upon and that if he would like to change that he can pay the court costs.


stormystar15
by Jessica on Nov. 7, 2012 at 2:52 PM
I'd go back to the original court order and if he wants it modified he can pay for it
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MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Nov. 7, 2012 at 3:04 PM
I understand. But this falls into the category of "Pick your battles."

You simply have no say if he chooses to do this is what I'm telling you. Do I agree with his choice? Nope.


Quoting Barblicious:

The thing is it is NOT his job. His normal contracted gig is at one bar, from Wed-Saturday nights. His other 'work' is whenever he wants to...

This Monday ngiht gig was not his contracted bar.  This is not a 9-5 normal job. His buddy phoned him up and said hey you want to come play a show and he said yes and left his kid. 

So that is the problem.

It is not like he is a doctor on call LMAO. 


Quoting MeeshMom:

You can be irritated all you want but if its his job and he got paid that's his deal. You have to learn to let go of what you can't control. Focus on you and being a good mom. It doesn't sound like he did a bad thing. Yeah drinking when it's his night with the kid sure. At least his gf babysat and hopefully is reliable. He's lame but what can you do about that? Kwim?


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Barblicious
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 3:39 PM

I have picked my battle.

Trust me there are A LOT of other issues that could be bigger that I let slide. He refused to pay CS for the first 13 months of her life. I let it slide. He pays CS (very small amount as he claims poverty level income when he makes a lot of cash under the table) when he feels like it and I let it slide. Calls me names like dictator if I don't give him what he wants when he wants it. I give him more than what our agreement is for as far as time is concerned but he always protrays me as this evil woman that doesn't let him see his kid. He sees her every week UNLESS HE CANCELS which he has done. My daughter told me he hurt her recently but I let it slide because how can I prove it. She has allergies but he still feds her the foods that give her bad rashes etc and ignores me. The list goes on and on and on.

I know very well I have no say in what he does with our daughter when she is with him on his access days. I fully accept that. I know that sadly as long as she is not being abused that that is the way it is. That isn't the point.

Point is... he asked for overnights on Mondays because he didn't have to work that night.

If that changed he COULD have just made other arrangements with me. We've often changed days due to his 'work' and other situations like him going on vacations and his weekends away over the summer. But this time he didn't and he got caught because our daughter talks very well and tells me things without me asking.

Technically I do not have to give him overnights - it is NOT in our agreement. 


Quoting MeeshMom:

I understand. But this falls into the category of "Pick your battles."

You simply have no say if he chooses to do this is what I'm telling you. Do I agree with his choice? Nope.


Quoting Barblicious:

The thing is it is NOT his job. His normal contracted gig is at one bar, from Wed-Saturday nights. His other 'work' is whenever he wants to...

This Monday ngiht gig was not his contracted bar.  This is not a 9-5 normal job. His buddy phoned him up and said hey you want to come play a show and he said yes and left his kid. 

So that is the problem.

It is not like he is a doctor on call LMAO. 


Quoting MeeshMom:

You can be irritated all you want but if its his job and he got paid that's his deal. You have to learn to let go of what you can't control. Focus on you and being a good mom. It doesn't sound like he did a bad thing. Yeah drinking when it's his night with the kid sure. At least his gf babysat and hopefully is reliable. He's lame but what can you do about that? Kwim?



MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Nov. 7, 2012 at 3:47 PM
Ah well see you left all of that put of your post so that changes everything. You should keep a journal of some sort and track the visits and when he cancels, signs of allergies, etc. talk to your dds pediatrician about this too. Sounds like you need to go to court. Is he not court ordered overnights? I'd go back to the original CO and explain to him why and list it all out. Get legal aide too. He's gonna be a dickhead no matter what.
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michiganmom5150
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 4:06 PM
Your daughter is 3, she should have a good idea of what she is allergic to. My son did at that age. We didn't find out until he was 3. After that, he knew he couldn't have eggs and at 6, still tells his dad he's allergic. He was working, not like he just went out to party. I understand your anger, but she was left with someone safe(I assume), and he assumed she was asleep. I'd let it slide unless it happens every week. It upset your daughter. Maybe he should tell her if he's going to work. Maybe she woke up and was upset he was gone and didn't tell her? My ds was like that. Good luck.
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Barblicious
by on Nov. 7, 2012 at 4:08 PM

LOL my OP was long enough as is, so I left a lot out.

YES I KEEP A RECORD OF EVERYTHING. Copies of texts, emails, and record dates and take pictures of the rashes, dates he cancels, dates his car broke down and I had to go get my kid... etc etc. I can't afford a lot of time off work to take her to doctor every week - thankfully none of it is super serious but it is still painful for my daughter. :|

I can however afford a lawyer if I need one. Yet we have a free mediator system here which I used for the current Agreement. This is one of the worst things about him, he always calls me names and says I am buying my child, when I don't spoil her, I merely have the means to provide a nice house for her etc and I don't really need his CS which is why I never fight him about it, even though I do believe he should pay to help support his child (one he never wanted to begin with mind you) as all men should support their children.

Anyway - Yes he will be a dickhead - once a dickhead always a dickhead. So glad our relationship ended when I became pregnant. Not so glad that I now have to "time share" my child with a POS guy.

Quoting MeeshMom:

Ah well see you left all of that put of your post so that changes everything. You should keep a journal of some sort and track the visits and when he cancels, signs of allergies, etc. talk to your dds pediatrician about this too. Sounds like you need to go to court. Is he not court ordered overnights? I'd go back to the original CO and explain to him why and list it all out. Get legal aide too. He's gonna be a dickhead no matter what.


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