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Question for divorcee

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I have never been married but it is something that I have always wanted and hate seeing people f up something sacred so I really want to know what happened? Besides cheating of course. These questions are for non cheaters and non cheated

Was the love gone? Were the two of you unwilling to compromise? Were there always warning signs that something was off but you Ignored them? Was it abuse? Did you feel displaced by society telling you to disregard gender roles and everyone became frustrated?

I'm just trying to figure out why so many people go through the ceremony to only give up.
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by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 8:55 PM
Replies (21-30):
conniejo75
by Bronze Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 1:37 AM
My ex cheated but that's not why we divorced. Cheating was a reaction to a much deeper issue. He was young and too immature to be a husband and father. He wanted to be "free" like his friends.... I allowed him to go out while I stayed home with kids because I didn't want him to resent me. Instead he took that "rope" and hung himself. He wanted out and did the one thing he knew I couldn't forgive. (He confessed the next day). I could not force him to go to counseling so I had no choice than to let him go.
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alc4evermom
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 7:49 AM
You can google signs of An abusive relationship. My last boyfriend answered yes to almost everything i read in most of the surveys.

So after reading everyone's responses I can see why people would get divorced. I would do the same thing. I have had trouble having relationships last so I was wondering. Now I know why though cause I used to go out with all of the kinds of guys that have been discribed!!! I'm so in love with my boyfriend now I'd do it all over again just to be with him lol


Quoting cupcakeluv_333:

well what r the signs?! mine is controlling. we're not married yet. im trying to tell myself its not that bad..... but I'm scared hes gonna turn psycho lol o.O


Quoting Robsessed98:

I have no clue why or how I missed all the flags I know were there. I definitely wasnt blinded by love. Just a blind and dense phase I was going through I guess. I can sure spot the signs now though.



Quoting alc4evermom:

I keep reading a lot about warning signs women either are ignoring or maybe just don't see. I am someone who used to chronically date narcissistic controlling men. My last boyfriend was scary crazy controlling. He was the most serious one, and yeah they seem to lack a genuine personality and are paranoid and delusional. But I figure I wouldn't appreciate the one I am with now as much. I feed that guy like a king lol







Quoting Robsessed98:

#1 failed because we were too young (17) and really only did it because a few of our friends did and it just seemed like the thing to do. It only lasted a few months but we've stayed friends. We didnt have a kid together. #2 failed because I somehow missed the fact that he was an abusive, narcissistic control freak with no personality until after we were married with a baby. I stayed a couple of years longer than I wanted to for financial reasons only. Hopefully #3 will last...




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Robsessed98
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 9:09 AM
1 mom liked this
Controlling, always having to be right and gets offended and angry, if corrected, demeaning and/or belittling you and your thoughts, beliefs or actions, always tellling you things you need to do to improve yourself (trying to make you good enough for him), following a comment or compliment with "you actually should have done ___ and it would be better", making you feel stupid when you express an opinion, trying to isolate you from friends and family, making your decisions for you whether you agree or not, his way is always the right and only way. Thats the main ones I can think of, but anything he does or say that give you that nagging red flag feeling in your gut.

Quoting cupcakeluv_333:

well what r the signs?! mine is controlling. we're not married yet. im trying to tell myself its not that bad..... but I'm scared hes gonna turn psycho lol o.O


Quoting Robsessed98:

I have no clue why or how I missed all the flags I know were there. I definitely wasnt blinded by love. Just a blind and dense phase I was going through I guess. I can sure spot the signs now though.



Quoting alc4evermom:

I keep reading a lot about warning signs women either are ignoring or maybe just don't see. I am someone who used to chronically date narcissistic controlling men. My last boyfriend was scary crazy controlling. He was the most serious one, and yeah they seem to lack a genuine personality and are paranoid and delusional. But I figure I wouldn't appreciate the one I am with now as much. I feed that guy like a king lol







Quoting Robsessed98:

#1 failed because we were too young (17) and really only did it because a few of our friends did and it just seemed like the thing to do. It only lasted a few months but we've stayed friends. We didnt have a kid together. #2 failed because I somehow missed the fact that he was an abusive, narcissistic control freak with no personality until after we were married with a baby. I stayed a couple of years longer than I wanted to for financial reasons only. Hopefully #3 will last...



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3_and_me
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 2:24 PM
My ex was possessive, verbally abusive, cheated many times, refused to keep a job and just an ass. We were married 4 years, 364 days (lol divorced the day before our 5th anniversary). Choosing divorce was hard for me, but I had finally had enough.
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faerie75
by Ruby Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 10:06 PM
You can't let YOUR feelings on marriage and your lack of having gotten married let you judge other people's failures at it.

Marriage is not that sacred. It's a contract between two imperfect people. Some people work through it, some people don't, an some marriages have more bullshit in it than others. I have a partner and we live together and are expecting a baby and I care so little about marriage that I don't care if we ever marry, but someday I probably will because it seems to mean something to him. So see? I feel as dispassionately aboutit as you feel passionate. People are different.

I got married to a man I didn't love as a kid because I wanted to so the right thing after I got knocked up. It didnt work. I didn't love him then he tried to control me, he did whatever he wanted including running around. I ended up running around too. He also beat me and tried to kill me twice. Real sacred marriage that was.
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LauraMH
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 11:27 PM

I do believe very much in the sanctity of marriage. It was an extremely difficult decision on weather or not to divorce my ex, one in which I did not take lightly. My religion was the most prevalent factor in not wanting to get a divorce. However, you can only live in Hell for so long. That is what my marriage was. Truly, a type of hell. He was controlling, abusive, cruel, a liar, manipulator, thief, his addictions ranged from weed and alcohol to prescription pills and porn. I was raped, used, physically and mentally abused, threatened and so much more.

I wouldn't say I gave up on my marriage or in any way "f***** it up". In fact, I went beyond myself to try to save my marriage. A lotof people view divorce that way, that the couple just gave up, no matter the situation. What is important is to not judge someone just because they have gone though a divorce, you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

lightoftheworld
by Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 1:49 AM
I think we got married too fast. We had only known each other 8 months before getting married. I really think that if we had dated longer, I would have seen some red flags (or maybe not, because we were wildly in love).

We were married for 7 years, with 3 kids.

In the end, there were several reasons I left him, but the big ones were:
1. No motivation to support his family (I worked FT, he was SAHD)
2. Inactive in parenting role, it always fell back on me whenever I was at home. Even when I was at work, kids would run wild and destroy the house while he played xbox
3. He struggled with chronic depression but was not willing to be proactive about getting help
4. He wasnt willing to communicate and problem solve when I needed to discuss these problems. He would push it 'off the table' to be discussed later, but never deal with it.

And the reason we stayed broken up (eventually divorced), is that after I left him, his sole focus was winning ME back, but never the kids. He wouldnt call the kids, cancelled visitations, cut visitation short, refused to pay me child support until I took him to court because he was unemployed.

Now, 1.5yr later, he still lives with his parents, works at a hot wings restuarant, and goes to college to get a degree that I highly doubt he will ever use. And he pays me $300/mo for child support per court order. Not a penny more. (Just for comparisons sake, I pay $1800/mo JUST for childcare expenses)
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alicia9804
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 2:03 AM

I agree men change! My marrage ended for many reasons...he traveled a lot and started spending very little time at home and when he was home he wanted to be back on the road.. he worked with a lot of single and young guys and he thought he was missing out by beeing marrried and haveing kids...he spent all the money on the things he wanted and not on what we needed back home and we lost our house and it put me and our kids liveing with my parents...he wanted to party and see other girls and go to strip clubs... he had a thing with porn and i do not like porn at all ( i have a friend whos husband is addicted to porn and it has came very close to destorying there marriage)...and i know i had my problems in our ( depression,anxiety) marriage but i tried very very hard to keep my marriage going but short story he left and said he didnt want anything to do with me and our kids... we tried a year later to work things out and mayb get back together and it was very stupid of me but i did try again just to have him leave us again...but if the right guy showed up i would get married again but not after takeing my time ad makeing sure it was the right thing and i will always have a back up plan if things were to go wrong. i was with my ex for over 10 years and we were married for 8 years

iHay
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 4:41 AM
I dont usually say this but today i will. He was homosexual which id of tried to deal with but he was also systematically starving and poisoning me to death. Not much i could do with that one. There were zero warning signs.
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steviechick
by Gold Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 1:30 PM

My ex was a rebel when I met him.  He was living on his own and had no communication between him and his family.  I knew he had some issues with money but he had other good qualities that I liked and was attracted to.  He was the kind of guy that did things on his own with very little help from others.  He wanted to make something out of his life and went to college just to do that.  Then things started to change about him.  He got verbally abusive towards me.  I found many porn magazines and saw him staring at other women and making comments in front of me towards them.  We waited to have kids until I was 30 and he was 35.  It all had to do with financially affording to start a family.  By the time my DD was 7 my ex had started to spend more money then he made.  He got himself into huge debt and constantly resorted to me to help keep the family financially afloat.  My ex decided to quit a job that I found out later he would have been fired from.  He went into more debt crisis after we bought our dream home.  He refused to work and even be a good provider.  That's when he started to cheat on me with a co-worker 16 years his junior.  He got her pregnant which I'm sure was planned by her just so he would eventually leave me.  He's 53 years old now and has two kids with this co-worker he's now married to.  He joined the National Guard when he was 46 and went back to being an E-5 like he was when he was prior military.   I was left paying for a mortgage, a horse, and a new car that I had to buy because my ex allowed the car he bought our daughter to be repoed.  My ex embezzled money from me while he was having an affair and snuck furniture from our home claiming he was getting an apartment while he was active duty.   My ex is a sociopath and has split personality disorder.  These things I had no idea he suffered from when we first met.  This all came out 20 years after we met.  My ex changed and for the worse.  The only positive thing that came out of my marriage was our daughter.  Had I known my life would have been a living hell with my ex I wouldn't have married him in the first place.  The rebel - I could handle.  But, the liar and cheater - I could never handle that.

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