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Trying to figure out my next move...

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 1:18 PM
  • 10 Replies
Hi, I am a 26 year old mother of two beautiful children six and three. Their father and I were never really in love, but got married and had them (because I wanted to) . After eight years of marriage it has become obvious to me that the lack of actual connected love is going to do us both in, so I told him I want a divorce. This however also being my decision, he could care less what it is gonna take to separate our lives and move on from each other. I have been a stay at home mom for the last six years, and now I need to figure out how to do both. My parents don't really support my decision, although I think they understand. They are firm believers in "laying in the bed you make for yourself" as am I.....but if I stay like this I feel like I am laying down to die. I don' t know how to separate myself from the stay at home mom I have been able to give my children and the self sufficient woman I need to figure out how to be. How I can I work to support myself if no one is there for my children? It's like my husband knows that I need him for the financial security, and that as long as I can't figure that out I am stuck....which unfortunately is true. Daycare is so expensive that I would be working only to pay someone else to do my job...and yet something has to give! I know there are woman who support themselves and their families, and it's not like I have never had to work. However I have not had to support myself, let alone two kids. I don't want to ask my husband for money to support me in a new life with out him, it doesn't seem fair, but I just can't seem to figure out how to juggle both. Has anyone had to figure this out, that doesn't have someone they know and trust offering any help? I feel so stuck, and like my only option is to give in and keep on going like this so my kids don't suffer at the cost of my wanting to be happier and more fulfilled, but my un- happiness is preventing me from giving them the best of myself anyhow, so no one is winning...and I am getting no where. Any advise? Any thoughts would be very helpfull!
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 1:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sid1083
by Silver Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 1:26 PM
1 mom liked this

 People will be there for your children. Part of parenting is building a network of support - it's even more critical as a single parent. It will be a rough transition, but if you're determined to make it work, things will start falling into place.

MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 2:29 PM
I'm confused why you're ending your marriage. Does he want to end it also? If not why don't you go to a marriage Bootcamp or something to help make the final decision. Your situation sounds more fixable than the stories we typically see in here. Happiness is important but maybe your marriage just needs a big checkup. That's just my opinion. No judgement meant here.
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strongerwtime
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 2:53 PM

The reality is that you have alot of planning to do.  You and even him will have to figure out childcare and working and splitting the cost for it.  He will have to help support. It's not supporting you and your new life alone..it's supporting the kids... and you will have to go back to work to be independent again which is what you would want for yourself. There really is no other way around it when couples separate.  If you are sure that it is over between you and your husband, start the planning now.  No need to wait till you file for divorce.  

strongerwtime
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 2:54 PM

Even if you are unsure , I would still plan. If something changes and things actually work out then great. 

Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Nov. 13, 2012 at 6:11 PM

Welcome and good luck!!

Tryingmom167
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 6:16 PM
We have sexual issues, as in he has never been sexually interested in me. We are more like a brother and sister, he ultimately has some serious issues to work out, but I have tried to help and feeling un- loved for so long has hurt me to the point that I have no desire to make things work at this point. I know it sounds tacky ...but I need to feel wanted and needed. You can't counsel a person into looking at a woman that way, you either feel it or you don't.
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 6:22 PM

 well, he owes you child support for the kids anyways.

since you arent in an abuse situation, maybe stay put until you get a cert or find a stable job?

Tryingmom167
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 6:22 PM
I know it is inevitable that he will have to help some,,,and that I will have to work to support myself. Planning is where I am at,,,, but with no family or friends that will help with my children and my husband already having a full time job, I am having a hard time figuring out how. I am a licensed beautician, I do hair and nails out of the house,,,but not nearly enough to support us from....and the only hours of the day I can work are seven at night to all night,,,I guess, although I am not sure I will be a very effective mother on no sleep all the time, and I can't do what I am trained to do during those hours anyhow........planning, but getting no-where fast....
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 6:25 PM

 it certainly is a struggle. ther are areas where you can make a good living on your skills. idk if you live in one of them though.

is it possible to build a client list from home? can you make friends that youc an trade child care with? idk just throwing suggestions out there.

Tryingmom167
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 6:47 PM
That's pretty much where I am at, just not getting any where fast! I appreciate the suggestions, for sure! That's what this is all about....right. I just don't know a lot of people,,, pretty much been at home the last six years. I live in a small area that is not that conducive to good money in my industry, I have considered a move,,,but I don't feel like it is right for me to re- locate the kids 2+ hours away, because of all this at least not right away. The change will be difficult enough for everyone as is. I am stayin put for now, we have a very "functional" relationship,,,, but things are getting increasingly awkward since I brought to light the reality of how I feel, and what we are. I feel like he is waiting around on me to make "my move" , and after eight years of lying to myself about thinking I could just deal with it, I feel an ergency to move on with it, I know I can't rush things and I am not getting anywhere with out figuring some of this out. Patience, patience,patience,,,,always easier said then followed. I just wish things would come together faster, or at least that I had a little better idea of how to speed them up.
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