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What am I suppose to tell my son.....

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 6:41 PM
  • 14 Replies

 

What am I suppose to tell my son when he ask about his daddy? I left to protect my son against his father, but what happens when he ask questions, when he looksin the mirror and sees his daddy and not me, my baby boy has my skin color, but everything else is his daddy.....Hes only 6 weeks old, and I worry everyday what am I gonna say when he ask....I would do anything for my son, am I suppose to lie? Im so afriad hes gonna ending up hating me because I kept him away from his father, I dont know how to explain to a little boy that his daddy didnt want us and he hurt his mommy because of it.....that I spent 9 months in constant fear that his dad was gonna snap again and I was gonna lose the most important thing in my life, him.

I dont know what to do.

by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 6:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 7:10 PM
2 moms liked this
If he's not interested on being around, you're not keeping him from his father.

Just be te best mom you can. Find a male role model ( DON'T put a priority on finding step daddy.. I mean like your dad, brother, trusted male friend) to be around. If you don't have that, someday when he's older there's mentoring programs out there....

When he asks, be honest. You don't know why. Don't sugar coat it with "he loves you but" cuz thy might e a lie. Just say he can't be here now and you don't know why.
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strngenough
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 7:16 PM
I just found out I'm having a boy and to me that is such a relief. I look forward to teaching Jim how a man should act and treat women. I didn't know how to have a daughter and try to tell her that not all men are bad, but most are lol. I would be honest, but appropriate to age. As he gets older you will be able to explain it better. But to tell him the truth and help him through his emotions throughout I think will help him adjust better later. Finding out later in life he will just be stuck with anger. You did what's right and with that you showed him there are adults he can trust.
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lovethelake
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 7:41 PM

I have an 8 week old little boy, and I worry about the same thing

happymommy1105
by Gold Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 7:47 PM
I tell my six year old that god is working on his dad right now and that's why he isn't here.

he accepts that.

he has seen his dad twice in the last two years for a total of 2 hours. he doesn't really ask anymore. he went through a phase when he was like 3 though.
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quickbooksworm
by Bronze Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 7:52 PM
Just tell him his dad doesn't know how to be a good dad. Don't tell him his dad doesn't care or that he's a huge douche or anything that may be true but is harsh. He doesn't know how to be a good dad and because of that he can't be around.

My father was an alcoholic and I have never met him in person. Growing up my mom told me the booze changed him and he lost himself. She said he was a good man but the alcohol took over him. Of all the issues I have with my mother, how she handled his abandonment is not one of them.
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Belovedmoonpixi
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 12:02 PM

you can´t lie, but you don´t have to tell him the whole truth... at the beginning you can just tell him Daddy doesn´t live with us and that´ll be ok (this is kind of like talking about sex, let him set the pace of what he wants to know) After a while, he´ll start asking why... You can tell him Sometimes there are things that make it impossible for mommies and daddies to live together, point at other families that are headed by a single parent (it´s better if you know families with single fathers as well as single mothers)... later on you can tell him Daddy had problems and sometimes he did things that made you afraid he might hurt you both and you decided that it was best if you lived apart so that daddy could concentrate on doing something so that these episodes go away....you catch my drift. Who knows, maybe at some point the father WILL find help and maybe then he can try to have a relationship with your son... you don´t have to lie, just try not to make him sound like a monster... At times I have told my daughter: "I really don´t know, baby, I don´t understand it either" when she asks why her father doesn´t visit...although in my mind the answer is Because he´s a jerk, that´s why!

MarieFrance
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 12:08 PM

 He is only six weeks, a lot will happen between now and the next six years or 10 when he starts to ask questions. You might even meet a decent man who will love you and your son and will protect you, care for you as he should. In the meantime, concentrate on loving your son and take care of him. You did the right thing for you and for him. When the time comes to tell him the truth and nothing but the truth, God will provide the perfect words for you to say.

You will not be alone during that time. So please don't worry about that phase yet. Six weeks, you need to take care of you, emotionally, physically and financially. He will need you to be strong and vigilant. You can't be a nerves basket.

My daughter is 7, I will have to tell her the truth about my sperm donor eventually. But I am not worry about that now. My focus is shelter, love, and simple blessings coming our ways everyday. Keep your son healthy and happy is your priority. Everything else will fall into place when the time comes.

bow downHave a bless day!

MeeshMom
by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 12:20 PM
My son didn't meet his dad at all till he was 3. When he was 2 he asked me if he had a dad. I was truthful and said yes you have a dad but he lives very far away and we aren't able to see him. Keep it age appropriate and don't worry. You're not alone and there's plenty of moms here who have been thru your situation. If you ever have questions or issues you can always vent them here and we are happy to share. I agree with many of these other replies too!
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steviechick
by Gold Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 1:06 PM

My older brother didn't meet his natural father until he was a grown man.  My mom left her first husband (my oldest bro's father) when he was three.  My mom said that her first husband was an alcoholic woman chaser that left her penniless while he worked a job away from home.  My mom simply told my brother that his father decided to live another life away from them and that they were better off without him.  My mom married my father when my brother was 5.  My father adopted my brother after they married.  He's been a father to my brother throughout his entire life.  So, my mom was able to gain a father figure for my brother.  A good man at that.  But, just not a good provider.  My mom never brought up the alcohol or womanizing until my brother was an adult and could truly understand the truth behind his parent's break-up.  The truth is best but tell it when it's age appropriate.  Every child should know the truth about their father when they are able to truly understand and accept the truth. 

MiriRose923
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 3:55 PM

That is tough... your son is still pretty young so you have some time.  I hope you'll be able to find some peace of mind, you are obviously going to be a great mom and you did what you felt was best for your son's safety.  To help ease your concerns, I wanted to let you know that Focus on the Family has published a Q&A on their website about explaning to a young child about an absentee father.  I work with Focus, and their parenting guidance has been very helpful to me personally. Blessings to you. :)

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