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son with absent father and new boyfriend

Posted by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 11:32 AM
  • 12 Replies

Hello,

I have a two year old son who's father has never been in his life. For a long time I had hoped we would work things out and be a family one day but eventually I realized that would never happen. I got accustomed to doing everything on my own as a single parent with no male role model for my son.  I have recently started a new relationship with the man I hope to be with forever. My son really liked him at first but eventually started feeling jealous I guess. Every time I am with my boyfriend my son throws screaming tantrums. He does this when he is not around too but no where near as extreme. My boyfriend is a father of a little girl near the same age as my son and he has different methods of discipline than I do. We argue about my son's behavior constantly. I refuse to let him discipline my son but I know my son's behavior is out of control. He is lacking a male role model and my boyfriend wants to be that to him. Does anyone have advice on how to cope with this situation?

by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 11:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
iHay
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 11:41 AM
Never let a man change how you deal with your child. Never let him tell you your child is wrong. How new is this relationship? Is he willing to get down on the floor and play with your son? Will he carry him, put his jacket or shoes on for him? If he's not willing to do the loving things than he definitely shouldnt get to be part of discipline.
as for your son, id say just tell him you know he's upset and feeling jealous but he can always come to you whether bf is there or not. Does your son ever sit on your lap while bf is there? Are you showing him less attention when bf is there? If it truly is just your son and bf is not being to hard on him then send him to his room until he can calm down, dont make it like a time out, he can come out when he's calm and if he comes out before just take him back.
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victoriahearts
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 11:56 AM

What it sounds like to me is the "normal" behavior of a 2 year old, it's call the terrible two's for a reason. Some children never exprience this and other do to the extreme. Your child is your child, he has no right to discplince him, period. You are the one that sets the rules and who you want to raise him, most children go through a stage of wanting more attention from their parent, sometimes the best way they know how to get that attention immediately is by being "bad", so in other to curve that behavior you should start giving him a little bit more attention when you can, make sure to point out when he is being good, also teaching him about emotions, maybe by flashcards with faces on them and ask him to put a card instead of yelling because yelling is bad and it does not get your attention. Your son is just starting to understand the concept of words, emotions although they feel them and show them, they aren't aware of what they are. You should work on his behavior while it's just the two of you and maybe until your son gets a little better and you have it under control only see your boyfriend when it can be you and him.

easinpc
by Gold Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 12:04 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with this.

Quoting victoriahearts:

What it sounds like to me is the "normal" behavior of a 2 year old, it's call the terrible two's for a reason. Some children never exprience this and other do to the extreme. Your child is your child, he has no right to discplince him, period. You are the one that sets the rules and who you want to raise him, most children go through a stage of wanting more attention from their parent, sometimes the best way they know how to get that attention immediately is by being "bad", so in other to curve that behavior you should start giving him a little bit more attention when you can, make sure to point out when he is being good, also teaching him about emotions, maybe by flashcards with faces on them and ask him to put a card instead of yelling because yelling is bad and it does not get your attention. Your son is just starting to understand the concept of words, emotions although they feel them and show them, they aren't aware of what they are.


amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 2:12 PM

I agree.  It does sound more like the "terrible twos" than anything else.

Quoting victoriahearts:

What it sounds like to me is the "normal" behavior of a 2 year old, it's call the terrible two's for a reason. Some children never exprience this and other do to the extreme. Your child is your child, he has no right to discplince him, period. You are the one that sets the rules and who you want to raise him, most children go through a stage of wanting more attention from their parent, sometimes the best way they know how to get that attention immediately is by being "bad", so in other to curve that behavior you should start giving him a little bit more attention when you can, make sure to point out when he is being good, also teaching him about emotions, maybe by flashcards with faces on them and ask him to put a card instead of yelling because yelling is bad and it does not get your attention. Your son is just starting to understand the concept of words, emotions although they feel them and show them, they aren't aware of what they are. You should work on his behavior while it's just the two of you and maybe until your son gets a little better and you have it under control only see your boyfriend when it can be you and him.


brieri
by Platinum Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 2:21 PM

 Hi and welcome to the group.

 

newhatch
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 2:33 PM

Hi,

I do agree that no man should not change the way I discipline my son. I have tried many different methods of discipline on my own but nothing seems to work. I explain to my son why he is being put in time out or being put in his room but that method does not always work when I am at my boyfriends house and he is throwing screaming fits as he does not have a room there for me to put him in. I wouldn't even consider being in a relationship with someone who wasn't involved in teaching my son and helping him become a man. My boyfriend treats my son like his own. He spends time with him, talks to him, shows him how to do things independently, plays with him, buys him things. He is very involved in every other way except by discipline.

newhatch
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 2:34 PM

Thank you so much the emotion cards sound like a great idea I will have to try that.

Tetiry92
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 3:49 PM

Well, sometimes kids are just kids to be honest. I have a son who will be three soon and he is wonderfully well behaved but if me and my bf ( not his father) go out to eat and he feels ignored he will become unruly. Kids at this age don't yet understand that things don't actually revolve around them. But as a side note, a man who can't respect you as his mother enough to not begin a repetitive argument doesn't respect you. If you want to pursue a relationship with him he needs to respect that he is your son and you are learning to parent. Even married parents disagree about discipline and it is hard but you are his mom and get final say later in your relationship compromises in parenting will come but not now.

tyfry7496
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 6:01 PM
Just because its normal behavior that doesn't mean it has to be allowed to the point of having no control.

It's normal for teens to be disrespectful but should I allow my so to be disrespectful because its normal, NO.


Quoting easinpc:

I agree with this.


Quoting victoriahearts:


What it sounds like to me is the "normal" behavior of a 2 year old, it's call the terrible two's for a reason. Some children never exprience this and other do to the extreme. Your child is your child, he has no right to discplince him, period. You are the one that sets the rules and who you want to raise him, most children go through a stage of wanting more attention from their parent, sometimes the best way they know how to get that attention immediately is by being "bad", so in other to curve that behavior you should start giving him a little bit more attention when you can, make sure to point out when he is being good, also teaching him about emotions, maybe by flashcards with faces on them and ask him to put a card instead of yelling because yelling is bad and it does not get your attention. Your son is just starting to understand the concept of words, emotions although they feel them and show them, they aren't aware of what they are.



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tyfry7496
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 6:06 PM
1 mom liked this
I say no discipline by bf, until the relationship is long term. But he should pay attention to you son. If he's willing allow it.

Your son does need limits and consequences from you. Just because its normal for 2 year olds to be "terrible" doesn't mean it should be allowed. I work with 2-6 yr olds and have for over 20 years, taken development classes, and psych classes. And have learned through experience. Kids need and thrive on limits and consequences. As parents we need to teach our children how to act, appropriately. We have to give our children the skills so they don't throw temper tantrums and learn to solve their own problems.
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