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Ex SIL Contacted Me

Posted by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 2:47 PM
  • 11 Replies

Out of the blue on my FB.  It was a shock because the I'd only met her a few times back when her brother and I were dating back in very early 2001.  We haven't had any contact since then and both my ex husband and her never got along (very dysfunctional family/relationships). 

So, yeah, out of the blue, she's sent me a message on FB asking how her niece is and how I'm doing, etc.  Saying she's been trying to locate me for the past 5, 6 yrs when she learned that her brother and I divorced (apparently, she learned this info from cousins who still have contact with my ex).  My ex husband never had anything nice to say about her and talked a lot of crap about her, her husband and their kids.  I can't take it seriously because 95% of the crap that came out of his mouth was a lie.  But because all I ever heard from him was how horrible she was, I'm wary of opening the door for some level of contact.  And considering what I know from meeting their extended family, the whole clan was a train wreck.

She has no real contact with her brother or their cousins and lives in another state.  I guess I'm wondering what you'd do in such a situation.  I don't want to deny Monster a chance to know the other side of her family, but this is going to be some extreme baby steps.  This will be the first contact with her father's side since she was 2 yrs old and she's 9 now.

by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 2:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
itsblissmas
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 2:55 PM

If he was lying about so much maybe he was lying about her for a reason (to fit his agenda). If she was really trying to find you for that long it sounds to me like she might be a genuine and caring person. Regardless, since it's on Facebook you could reply to her but limit what info she sees (like what city you live in and things). You also don't have to share anything that you don't want to and you could easily block her out if she's an "off the wall" kind of person. Good luck with making your decision!

randi1978
by Murdoc's Mistress on Nov. 18, 2012 at 3:05 PM
1 mom liked this

It wouldn't be hard to assume where I live because all my fam is here (and it's a decent sized city).  But specifics like address, where I work, where Monster goes to school are a no-go (at least until I feel I can trust her with that info, but it may take YEARS).  I just had such a crummy experience with his family and I almost feel bad that I'm judging her so quickly without knowing her.

I have a feeling she moved away with her kids and husband to escape the dysfunction of her parents and brother and cousins.  I know she has contact with the cousins from time to time and chances are, one of them has sporradic contact with my ex husband.  It would explain how SIL knew we had a kid together and were now divorced.

We'll see how it goes.  I did respond.  Let her know I was open to contact, but I needed some time to let it all sink in. 

Quoting itsblissmas:

If he was lying about so much maybe he was lying about her for a reason (to fit his agenda). If she was really trying to find you for that long it sounds to me like she might be a genuine and caring person. Regardless, since it's on Facebook you could reply to her but limit what info she sees (like what city you live in and things). You also don't have to share anything that you don't want to and you could easily block her out if she's an "off the wall" kind of person. Good luck with making your decision!


itsblissmas
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 3:43 PM

I think that was a great response to her.

hugs

Quoting randi1978:

It wouldn't be hard to assume where I live because all my fam is here (and it's a decent sized city).  But specifics like address, where I work, where Monster goes to school are a no-go (at least until I feel I can trust her with that info, but it may take YEARS).  I just had such a crummy experience with his family and I almost feel bad that I'm judging her so quickly without knowing her.

I have a feeling she moved away with her kids and husband to escape the dysfunction of her parents and brother and cousins.  I know she has contact with the cousins from time to time and chances are, one of them has sporradic contact with my ex husband.  It would explain how SIL knew we had a kid together and were now divorced.

We'll see how it goes.  I did respond.  Let her know I was open to contact, but I needed some time to let it all sink in. 

Quoting itsblissmas:

If he was lying about so much maybe he was lying about her for a reason (to fit his agenda). If she was really trying to find you for that long it sounds to me like she might be a genuine and caring person. Regardless, since it's on Facebook you could reply to her but limit what info she sees (like what city you live in and things). You also don't have to share anything that you don't want to and you could easily block her out if she's an "off the wall" kind of person. Good luck with making your decision!



randi1978
by Murdoc's Mistress on Nov. 18, 2012 at 3:45 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you.  I made it clear I had no issue with her, it was just a little awkward because I barely know her and we haven't seen or spoken to one another in almost 12 yrs so I needed some time.

We'll see how it goes, eh?

Quoting itsblissmas:

I think that was a great response to her.

hugs

Quoting randi1978:

It wouldn't be hard to assume where I live because all my fam is here (and it's a decent sized city).  But specifics like address, where I work, where Monster goes to school are a no-go (at least until I feel I can trust her with that info, but it may take YEARS).  I just had such a crummy experience with his family and I almost feel bad that I'm judging her so quickly without knowing her.

I have a feeling she moved away with her kids and husband to escape the dysfunction of her parents and brother and cousins.  I know she has contact with the cousins from time to time and chances are, one of them has sporradic contact with my ex husband.  It would explain how SIL knew we had a kid together and were now divorced.

We'll see how it goes.  I did respond.  Let her know I was open to contact, but I needed some time to let it all sink in. 

Quoting itsblissmas:

If he was lying about so much maybe he was lying about her for a reason (to fit his agenda). If she was really trying to find you for that long it sounds to me like she might be a genuine and caring person. Regardless, since it's on Facebook you could reply to her but limit what info she sees (like what city you live in and things). You also don't have to share anything that you don't want to and you could easily block her out if she's an "off the wall" kind of person. Good luck with making your decision!




itsblissmas
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 4:02 PM

Yeah! Hopefully it goes well but if not at least you'll know. :o)

Quoting randi1978:

Thank you.  I made it clear I had no issue with her, it was just a little awkward because I barely know her and we haven't seen or spoken to one another in almost 12 yrs so I needed some time.

We'll see how it goes, eh?

Quoting itsblissmas:

I think that was a great response to her.

hugs

Quoting randi1978:

It wouldn't be hard to assume where I live because all my fam is here (and it's a decent sized city).  But specifics like address, where I work, where Monster goes to school are a no-go (at least until I feel I can trust her with that info, but it may take YEARS).  I just had such a crummy experience with his family and I almost feel bad that I'm judging her so quickly without knowing her.

I have a feeling she moved away with her kids and husband to escape the dysfunction of her parents and brother and cousins.  I know she has contact with the cousins from time to time and chances are, one of them has sporradic contact with my ex husband.  It would explain how SIL knew we had a kid together and were now divorced.

We'll see how it goes.  I did respond.  Let her know I was open to contact, but I needed some time to let it all sink in. 

Quoting itsblissmas:

If he was lying about so much maybe he was lying about her for a reason (to fit his agenda). If she was really trying to find you for that long it sounds to me like she might be a genuine and caring person. Regardless, since it's on Facebook you could reply to her but limit what info she sees (like what city you live in and things). You also don't have to share anything that you don't want to and you could easily block her out if she's an "off the wall" kind of person. Good luck with making your decision!





Shaybay218
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 5:21 PM

Go for it but take small steps...good luck

easinpc
by Gold Member on Nov. 18, 2012 at 7:29 PM

I would just take things really slow and make sure I was very careful about what information I gave out to her!  Good luck!

Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Nov. 18, 2012 at 10:08 PM

I agree!

Quoting itsblissmas:

I think that was a great response to her.

hugs

Quoting randi1978:

It wouldn't be hard to assume where I live because all my fam is here (and it's a decent sized city).  But specifics like address, where I work, where Monster goes to school are a no-go (at least until I feel I can trust her with that info, but it may take YEARS).  I just had such a crummy experience with his family and I almost feel bad that I'm judging her so quickly without knowing her.

I have a feeling she moved away with her kids and husband to escape the dysfunction of her parents and brother and cousins.  I know she has contact with the cousins from time to time and chances are, one of them has sporradic contact with my ex husband.  It would explain how SIL knew we had a kid together and were now divorced.

We'll see how it goes.  I did respond.  Let her know I was open to contact, but I needed some time to let it all sink in. 

Quoting itsblissmas:

If he was lying about so much maybe he was lying about her for a reason (to fit his agenda). If she was really trying to find you for that long it sounds to me like she might be a genuine and caring person. Regardless, since it's on Facebook you could reply to her but limit what info she sees (like what city you live in and things). You also don't have to share anything that you don't want to and you could easily block her out if she's an "off the wall" kind of person. Good luck with making your decision!




____________________________



MamaHens3
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:12 AM

Give her a chance, baby steps. She knew how the family was, and is surely was shut out. An wants to know her, and be cool. 

I actually contacted my ddd's father's mom, Sunday and I asked if she could give me medical histroy back ground. I for the hells of it messaged him, and of course i won't get an answer. I told him at least call her peds, here's the # and info that you will need to know its for her. At least do this for me I said, for her sake since I got to thinking. I know my medical, I know a rough draft of his yet really what if he doesn't know truly. I haven't gotten an answer from his mom yet, or sure I will. I was nice in the message, wasn't mean and apologized if she didn't know about me being pregnant an first time she heard. Good chance he didn't even tell her, and or much of his fam since he turned me into a memory of something ghost style. I hope she writes back, I mean no harm or want to do a thing bad to their family. I just want simple medical history, he pays support that's awesome and I gave up on him being in her life. 

justahousewife
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:48 PM

I would say add her as a friend and be open to the idea of staying in touch. As much as I dislike my ex-dhumbass I am "friends" with the majority of his family just to share pics, info and such. 

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