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single mom to 11 year old daughter

Posted by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:05 AM
  • 8 Replies

Hi, i'm renee.  I left my daughters father 5 or so years ago.  At first he was really good...paid support on time without complaint....took her everyother weekend and then some...then a few years ago he got laid off and his life went downhill from there.  blamed everyone including myself for his bad choices and mistakes to our daughter, never taking blame for what he did wrong. so she's been having a tough time cuz he moved approx 4hours away and almost completely stopped being able to take her and see her.  barely called her.  now he's been locked up for possesion while driving and is looking at 2 1/2 to 4 years in state prison.....this is his 2nd felony and because i refused to talk bad about him to my daughter she didn't know about the not so good side to him and is suddenly slammed with confusion and betrayal and she doesn't understand why or how he could put himself in a situation where he was doing illegal things.  Now her grades are slipping and she's acting out some.  My partner and father to baby and baby on the way is older and has a tough exterior...he kind of resents having to be her dad all the time instead of just her step dad if that makes sense...and although they both love each other he is really short tempered and frustrated with her and her behavior and she just craves his love and afffection and wants it without standards....she wants her daddy and he is not although they both try with each other....he just doesn't love her unconditionally like i do and like her dad does.....it's been really tough and getting tougher with new baby coming.  my parents are really great supports and financially have given up so much to help me raise her but they are now raising my nephew and haven't been as available to her or me.....i got laid off  in august 2011 while on maternity leave and living off the little bit of unemployment which is about half of what i was making cuz they go off of the last few months you work which i had high blood pressure and had to cut my hours....i feel so defeated and alone sometimes.  No one really gets what i'm dealing with and all the guilt and frustration...........if you all have had similar issues or have any advice please contact me.  This was way longer than i thought it would be....guess i don't talk about my issues often....i'll be checking in


by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:05 AM
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Replies (1-8):
Lovelyt27
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:22 AM

This is very difficult, I nor noone can tell you what you should or shouldnt do but your daughter needs your attention and some overtime love....step father needs to show her some love, and not resent or feel pressured about anything, he met you, he met the package, if he loves you, then he gotta love you lil girl too, and it comes with work, time, patience etc she cannot understand the effects of the situation her dad did, she is only showing how she feels on her level .....and you should communicate all the times with her and be there if you havent for her....she is only 11, plus with having a new baby, etc makes her feel like noone cares about her, she feels her dad left her, your bout to have a baby, and her step dad isn't ideally making her feel loved, i am sure your stressed, but you have to continue to let her know she is loved ......

strngenough
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 7:55 AM
Step one, put your foot down with your SO. Something like "hey grown adult she is a hurting little girl. Get your shit together." step two is harder. I think this is a good opportunity to help her get on a good path. They have alanon (spelled wrong) for kids to help them learn about addiction. It's a good chance to explain to her that there are these things out there that can take over your mind and life (not exact wording, but I'm on a cellphone and lazy). That they make you make very bad desicions and make you forget what you value. It's a very sad thing. Let her know about the path that leads too and then explain the good that comes from doing the right thing. My whole family are addicts. Because of this they will not be around my child, but I know someday I will have to explain why there is no grandma etc and I will have this same talk with my son. It will be ok, but tell your SO to stop being a whiny child and step up.
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brieri
by Platinum Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:59 PM
1 mom liked this

 Hi and welcome to the group.

You will get through it all, one step at a time.

reneelow
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 9:23 AM

i absolutley agree with you.  She will always be my baby girl and nothing and no one will ever change that.  I made that very clear when my partner had made a comment one night.....I snapped and said she my little girl and i love her unconditionally the way you love daimon (our first son) and then something along the lines of it would kill me but i would without thought take my kids and leave him if he didn't start making an effort to accept  her with or without her father in her life.  Something clicked with that and it's been slow going but we're all working together to be a family.  So anyway, i'm not overwhelmed with her or pushing her away or anything.  it's been her and i for a long time now and i will be the one she's gonna take her anger out on b/c i love her no matter what and i;m ok with that....i understand that....i just feel so alone in my situation sometimes b/c i get no sympathy or even a listenen g ear or a tough shoulder to lean on.  i just deal and smile and trust in God to gewt me through but it can feel very heavy at times.  Anyway, thanks for the support:)

reneelow
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 9:47 AM

it's funny....thats pretty much exactly what i tell him...he's hard and hard headed so it's a lot or work and effort on my part to just get him to actually hear me.  His oldest sister has been great in helping me deal with him.  i honestly expected his family to not accept me and def not treat my daughter like family but it was the total opposite and jocy loves them right back.  that is a tough situation too b/c i've known him my whole like and he was always that unreachable or untouchable want b/c he was in a (horrible) realtionship with a member of my family so when he finally told her to split and we went public to family it wasn't easy to explain.  anyway, my entire family on both sides is littered with addiction unfortunaltly.  I myself had to detox about 5 years ago from painkillers which i had started for a ligit reason but was immediatly hooked.  I thank God everyday it never got farther than swallowing pills b/c my uncle at 23 died of a heroin overdose b/c he couldn't beat it.  He desperatlly wanted to be off and get back to life and he couldn't.  It was very sad and hard on whole family.  The struggle that an addict lives on a daily basis is so very hard to understand if you haven;t been there yourself or seen it on a level that whoever was struggling yolu were struggling with them.  I think i've kept her too protected from the reality of life and drugs and addiction b/c i wanted her to be carefree and innocent as long as possible so when she found out about her dad it was like thed world went from sunny to rainy and upside down.  i wouldn't talk bad about her dad to her no matter how i fel\t and i felt she didn't need to know all the mistakes he's made. i figured he'd tell herwhen she was old enough to understand and at 11 she just doesn't truly understand what is going on.  It;s been a struggle to decide whether or not to be honest with her about the addiction that surely runs in her veins.  her dad himself and his brother were "crack babies" and my addiction plus my families struggles....idk i gues i was in denial about her risks and hoped she would noever have to know.  i feel like such a failure as a mother to her all the time.  since i got laid off i've had to depend on my mom mostly and my partner  a little just to get her clothes that fit or school supplies.  i feel so guilty for being her mom b./c she deserves so much better than all this and if i could take away all my mistakes and give her the world i would give anything to be able to.  i wanted so much more for myself and my kids and i can't fix her life and it kills me slowly.  I'm so sorry for ranting............it's feels so good to have someone listen (or read) and know how i feel or even just understand and tell me it's ok to feel how i feel and idk tell me thank you for being me.  i feel like i fail in every part of my life.  i never live up to my moms standards or if i had a bad day and the bayb was really cranky and i couldn't get the dishes done or make dinnner he's pissed like i just sit around all day and do nothing just to throw it in his face.  No one other than other moms get it.  how do i deal?  sorry agin...i started ranting agoin...i don't have time for friends and my mom is so busy she doesn't have tiime to talk and my sisters are a whole other can of worms so i literally have no one but my kids to talk to ande i would never make then feel bad for being my kids by bitching to them so this is all 11years

Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Nov. 20, 2012 at 9:50 AM
1 mom liked this
Welcome to the group. So sorry you are going through this.
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steviechick
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 10:02 AM

I know exactly what your DD is going through. My bio father and my mom divorced when I was 7. My mom remarried when I 9.  My bio dad remarried when I was 9 as well.  I had three other siblings and my bio dad married a woman that had 2 kids.  About a year after they married my bio dad fathered another child.  So, he had 7 kids to provide for.  Not an easy task considering he was never a good provider for my mom.  My step-dad was married before, too, and had fathered a son.  He was only in his son's life for a few years.  When he divorced the ex took the son and moved away.  My step-dad never got involved with another woman until he met my mom.  He had four kids to raise and provide for even though my bio dad was suppose to provide for us.  In the situation he was in, my step-dad had no choice but to step-up and financially provide for we kids.  He had an easier time financially providing more than the did actually BEING a father.  He spent years without knowing his own son and was literally introduced to four kids when he decided to marry my mom.  It took a few years for him to adjust to being a father to four kids.  My mom worked very hard with my step-dad's temper and drinking problems.  He was also very strict.  It took him a few years to mellow out and be a lot more kinder and gentler.  Someone all of we kids could look up to since our own father wasn't there for us.  Growing up in the military had its ups and downs, too, as we moved a lot.  I spent 7 years not seeing my father because we moved so far away from where he lived.  Today I don't hold as much resentment as I now understand the reasons for my bio dad not being in mine and my siblings life.  I give a lot of credit to my mom.  She put up with a lot of stress and uncertainties in her life regarding her kids.  It's not an easy task being a mother.  I know this from my own divorce.  My advice to you is to work with your SO like my mom did my step-father.   Your SO will need your help to work things out.  I would also recommend going to see a counselor if you can't work things out.

reneelow
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 10:19 AM

Ironically my SO is so much like my dad it'[s almost scary.  my dad was emotionally gone trying to raise three girls.  i can't imagine how difficult it must have been.  the only love he was shown growing up was getting beatien by his mother or fatther and livng in a sorta ghetto and having nothing so as i got older i better understood why he was how he was but as a teenage girl i didn't  get it and didn't care ucz i never met is side of the family except for his brothers and sisters who were in and out and MIA most of the time so i didn't really understand what it was liek for him growing up.  So anyway, it has taken my dad a long time to be gentler and he's great for the most part with my daughter that i'm thankful she doesn't know him how i knew hiim growing up.  she's o close to both my parents i thank GOD eveyday for that bond.  Anyway my point is my SO was friends with my dad before him and i were together so my dad  does sone of the talking to him to get him to understand how little girls are nad how easily affected we are by how our dads are with us.  So i just feel like jocy doesn't have the time to wait  for him to get his shit together and act right b/c the damage is bing done now.  i see it and deeply care and i feel like he doesn't care b/c if she ends up screwed up it won't be his fault it''s mine and joels.  idk iit take sso much effort to get into his head and heart that i don't have the time to do it withthe patience i had in the beginning of our relationship.  what to do?  i feel like he's cloing up more or adding more walls to his heart now  that we have kids together and i don't understand why?

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