Why did I take him back? What did I think would be different? Why is the desire to have my son have a father around all the time so important? Why am I so afraid of having to start over and date again? Seriously, I think I have honestly and truly lost all self-respect. The worst part is that he acts like everything is great. I can't remember a single day when everything was great. I mean there are good days ie: days where he isn't being nasty to me or throwing a tantrum and so I can relax on that day, but that doesn't make a great day. I wish my son was here already instead of being pregnant, I wish that I found a great job, I wish that I still had some damn self-respect like I did before I met my lovely husband. I wish in the very beginning when all these future nightmares were starting and his personality was shinning through and I tried to leave and he would tell me he would kill himself if I did....I would have just handed him my gun, said "have fun" and left. Long before marriage, long before pregnancy, long before I stopped recognizing myself. Manipulators....its just what they do.