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Sometimes I wish it were here already

Posted by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 11:30 PM
  • 5 Replies

For my son to be of legal adult age - I know these are my emotions talking - his father. I don't know how to deal with him anymore. I know - another single mom with baby daddy issues.

If any of you knew me personally, you'd know that I try to keep the peace with this man so my son won't have to see any mess. It's already enough that his parents are in separate homes.

For YEARS I felt guilty and acted accordingly because I left him years ago (I was 16 when we met and we were preggo 3 months after we met). Anyway, I feel like (I say "I feel" because he doesn't feel like he does anything wrong) he treat me real rude. No, he doesn't cuss at me or has ever been physical. But he is inconsiderate and it's frustrating.

Prime example: Yes, he did text me Wednesday to let me know he wanted Tony to come to his house Friday. I told him that's fine but Tony had some stuff to do and he can come out to my area of town to pick him up. Okay. I don't hear from him all day today. I had to text him to see what happened. "Oh my bad, I got busy" So when were you going to tell me!!!? So I say 'ok that's fine, just let me know if you are coming so I can prepare.' 'Alright' is his response. This is 5 pm.

9 pm rolls around. Nothing. Who wants to be packing clothes at 9 pm? Not me? So I text him. He responds with 'I'll get him.' By then, that is not even the freaking point!!!!! Why was it too much to tell me earlier!? I couldve had Tony ready/etc. He has another 'baby mama' and I'm sure he treats her much better.

It's been a lot, and now I feel like I'm fussing for nothing; but dealing with him is a chore. Dealing with his family is a chore. I feel like they are 2% cordial because I am Tony's mother. But they don't care about me.

It's hard b/c I feel like I've tried to be nice. I know this is a he said she said.

If you have any encouragement, please share. My son is 12 right now, but 18 is a long way from now when you feel like you deal with the same b/s over and over.

Everytime I feel like we take one step foward, we take 3 back. What do I do? Please, what do I do? How do you handle your split family situation with a smile?

I do have a huge faith in God. But I am human and I am frustrated. I know we are going to get through this. Right now, emotions are talking...and I don't want it to affect Tony. It's not his fault and he shouldn't have to feel the brunt of it.

by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 11:30 PM
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Replies (1-5):
victoriahearts
by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 10:11 AM

This is easy to say but you have to let it roll off your back and let what seem like resentment and angry go. Up until recently I was dealing with my ex,  changing and cancelling visits with my soon constantly, I hated being told I will be there to pick him up on the 5th at 4 pm, and the day comes and he had to cancel last minute it made so pissed off but at some point I realized that I was getting all worked up about it and it didn't ever really seem to bother him, so why such I be miserable if he isn't? Best advice from me to  you is, always have a bag ready this way you never have to get things done in rush, I started leaving a bag of clothing and stuff he would need in the closet by the front door, this way if my ex was running late, requested a last minute visit, I can just pull out the bag and throw two or three times that he need like homework and such. And just confirm once, if he is running late or doesn't take his visit that is on him , not you. It's probably hard to give up that control in that sense , not knowing because it's hard for me but once it let it go, and put the ball in my ex court, I started to feel a whole lot happier. Do the same thing with his family, be polite but the fact is that you don't have to be around them anymore so avoid them if you can. If you can't and have to see them, keep it to a minimum and if they push you stand up for yourself, just because you want to keep things civil for your child doesn't mean they get to treat you badly, as for the baby mama, I'm sure she feel like you as well, short of her actually sleeping with your ex, I doubt he would make a bigger effort to be nicer to her, men pretty much act the same with everyone unless there benefiting in another way.

You are great mom and great woman don't let this guy make you bitter and make your life impossible, you are a woman of God and you know it's best things is to move forward and leave people like your ex in God's hands, he will one day judge him for the cruel things he has done.

steviechick
by Gold Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 10:36 AM

I am still getting over a 26 year marriage to a man that I should have left many years ago.  I lived with a man that had many mental issues that he kept at bay and sometimes would come to the surface.  I found out just over a year ago that my ex cheated on me for three years and fathered two kids in the process.  Yes, he kept this a secret from me and my DD while he sneaked furniture out of the house, embezzled money from me and literally left me financially responsible for taking care of monthly expenses even a horse he bought our DD.  I filed and divorced him.  Since our divorce my ex has filed a Chapter 7 to try and not pay me for the loans I had to take out due to a repo (he caused) and personal loans I gave him to finance his affair.  However, he can't dismiss a divorce settlement, so he still owes me for all of the money.  He has tried to push our DD into coming to visit his home where he lives with his new wife (the homewrecker) and their two kids (2 and 1) and a handicapped child from the bimbo's previous relationship.    My ex actually thinks it's okay to constantly ask his own DD to meet the person he was having sex with behind my back and to meet the two kids he fathered secretly behind our backs.  My DD is smarter and respectable of herself and most importantly me and continues to tell her father a flat 'No'.  He gets upset with her, tells her off and sends her nasty text messages.  He's a hot mess.  She can't really stand to be around him.  She can't trust him.  She tells me she would rather be with me. My heart feels for her.  I can't even talk to my ex without exploding.  He makes me ill.  To think I once loved him, trusted him, and even slept with him while he was sleeping with his tramp.  We were happy once many, many years ago.  Then he started to change and bring nothing but misery into mine and my DD's life. 

I've raised my DD even when I was married.  My ex is in the National Guard.  He used his active duty status to sneak around behind my back and shack up with his bimbo.  I refuse to be bitter and try not to have anything to do with my ex.  Unfortunately, I've been battling him in court over money that he tries to not pay me.  I'm tired of dealing with him.  My daughter is too.  She's 18 and barely knows about adult situations.  Because of her father she's had to deal with so many traumatic things.  How can a father do these kinds of things to his own daughter?  LIke Victoria said, my ex will eventually be given to God for him to judge.  Karma will catch up to my ex.  He will be judged in God's eyes one day.  I was faithful and loving in my marriage at the very end of it I was treated like garbage and dragged through the gutter. 

ChgIsGood2012
by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 10:54 AM

 

Quoting victoriahearts:

This is easy to say but you have to let it roll off your back and let what seem like resentment and angry go. Up until recently I was dealing with my ex,  changing and cancelling visits with my soon constantly, I hated being told I will be there to pick him up on the 5th at 4 pm, and the day comes and he had to cancel last minute it made so pissed off but at some point I realized that I was getting all worked up about it and it didn't ever really seem to bother him, so why such I be miserable if he isn't? Best advice from me to  you is, always have a bag ready this way you never have to get things done in rush, I started leaving a bag of clothing and stuff he would need in the closet by the front door, this way if my ex was running late, requested a last minute visit, I can just pull out the bag and throw two or three times that he need like homework and such. And just confirm once, if he is running late or doesn't take his visit that is on him , not you. It's probably hard to give up that control in that sense , not knowing because it's hard for me but once it let it go, and put the ball in my ex court, I started to feel a whole lot happier. Do the same thing with his family, be polite but the fact is that you don't have to be around them anymore so avoid them if you can. If you can't and have to see them, keep it to a minimum and if they push you stand up for yourself, just because you want to keep things civil for your child doesn't mean they get to treat you badly, as for the baby mama, I'm sure she feel like you as well, short of her actually sleeping with your ex, I doubt he would make a bigger effort to be nicer to her, men pretty much act the same with everyone unless there benefiting in another way.

You are great mom and great woman don't let this guy make you bitter and make your life impossible, you are a woman of God and you know it's best things is to move forward and leave people like your ex in God's hands, he will one day judge him for the cruel things he has done.

Thank you for your thoughtful and wise reply. I am going to take a lot of these things into consideration and put them to use; I know it doesn't have to be painful, and I need to know how to not make it that way and your advice has helped a great deal. Especially when you mentioned giving up control. That will be difficult, but I think that's where some of my issues lie - and yes, I have grown resentment over the last  few years and I can admit that it has affected my life in ways that I am not proud of. Standing up for myself - ha! I'm good on some days and with some people; but with others, I crumble. But I am getting there....whew! I'm getting there, LOL But God is still faithful, and I keep going.

Oh - and I should mention: after i sent the OP last night, we texted back and forth and he said the reason for his 'cold' ways toward me is because I have him on child support. He says that now he is financially stable to the point where he has the $ to take care of business. I don't trust him one bit.  know I should, but I don't. I feel like if I took him off, I would be even more stressed out - worrying if he is going to pay this bill or that. Or if he will give me money for this activity or that. Part of why I did the C.S. He thinks I wanted his money; I wanted financial stability for my child and peace in my house. And I told him, he has been cold to me long before I put him on C.S. So  I don't think taking him off will change much....

ChgIsGood2012
by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 11:02 AM


Quoting steviechick:

I am still getting over a 26 year marriage to a man that I should have left many years ago.  I lived with a man that had many mental issues that he kept at bay and sometimes would come to the surface.  I found out just over a year ago that my ex cheated on me for three years and fathered two kids in the process.  Yes, he kept this a secret from me and my DD while he sneaked furniture out of the house, embezzled money from me and literally left me financially responsible for taking care of monthly expenses even a horse he bought our DD.  I filed and divorced him.  Since our divorce my ex has filed a Chapter 7 to try and not pay me for the loans I had to take out due to a repo (he caused) and personal loans I gave him to finance his affair.  However, he can't dismiss a divorce settlement, so he still owes me for all of the money.  He has tried to push our DD into coming to visit his home where he lives with his new wife (the homewrecker) and their two kids (2 and 1) and a handicapped child from the bimbo's previous relationship.    My ex actually thinks it's okay to constantly ask his own DD to meet the person he was having sex with behind my back and to meet the two kids he fathered secretly behind our backs.  My DD is smarter and respectable of herself and most importantly me and continues to tell her father a flat 'No'.  He gets upset with her, tells her off and sends her nasty text messages.  He's a hot mess.  She can't really stand to be around him.  She can't trust him.  She tells me she would rather be with me. My heart feels for her.  I can't even talk to my ex without exploding.  He makes me ill.  To think I once loved him, trusted him, and even slept with him while he was sleeping with his tramp.  We were happy once many, many years ago.  Then he started to change and bring nothing but misery into mine and my DD's life. 

I've raised my DD even when I was married.  My ex is in the National Guard.  He used his active duty status to sneak around behind my back and shack up with his bimbo.  I refuse to be bitter and try not to have anything to do with my ex.  Unfortunately, I've been battling him in court over money that he tries to not pay me.  I'm tired of dealing with him.  My daughter is too.  She's 18 and barely knows about adult situations.  Because of her father she's had to deal with so many traumatic things.  How can a father do these kinds of things to his own daughter?  LIke Victoria said, my ex will eventually be given to God for him to judge.  Karma will catch up to my ex.  He will be judged in God's eyes one day.  I was faithful and loving in my marriage at the very end of it I was treated like garbage and dragged through the gutter. 

Hello steviechick; thank you for replying. :-) Wow! When I read this, I think my issues are so minor. This is sad - see, this is why we have to think about our actions and how they will truly affect others. When we do wrong, we need to recognize it and do what we can to rectify it so we won't be punished by God. I hope it gets better for you and your daughter emotionally, spiritually, and whatever way you need healing. May the Lord bless yall and that you may have peace even while he still exists in your lives. Question of curiosity: Now that your daughter is 18, do you think you should continue to fight your ex over money?

steviechick
by Gold Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 11:17 AM


Quoting ChgIsGood2012:

 

Quoting steviechick:

I am still getting over a 26 year marriage to a man that I should have left many years ago.  I lived with a man that had many mental issues that he kept at bay and sometimes would come to the surface.  I found out just over a year ago that my ex cheated on me for three years and fathered two kids in the process.  Yes, he kept this a secret from me and my DD while he sneaked furniture out of the house, embezzled money from me and literally left me financially responsible for taking care of monthly expenses even a horse he bought our DD.  I filed and divorced him.  Since our divorce my ex has filed a Chapter 7 to try and not pay me for the loans I had to take out due to a repo (he caused) and personal loans I gave him to finance his affair.  However, he can't dismiss a divorce settlement, so he still owes me for all of the money.  He has tried to push our DD into coming to visit his home where he lives with his new wife (the homewrecker) and their two kids (2 and 1) and a handicapped child from the bimbo's previous relationship.    My ex actually thinks it's okay to constantly ask his own DD to meet the person he was having sex with behind my back and to meet the two kids he fathered secretly behind our backs.  My DD is smarter and respectable of herself and most importantly me and continues to tell her father a flat 'No'.  He gets upset with her, tells her off and sends her nasty text messages.  He's a hot mess.  She can't really stand to be around him.  She can't trust him.  She tells me she would rather be with me. My heart feels for her.  I can't even talk to my ex without exploding.  He makes me ill.  To think I once loved him, trusted him, and even slept with him while he was sleeping with his tramp.  We were happy once many, many years ago.  Then he started to change and bring nothing but misery into mine and my DD's life. 

I've raised my DD even when I was married.  My ex is in the National Guard.  He used his active duty status to sneak around behind my back and shack up with his bimbo.  I refuse to be bitter and try not to have anything to do with my ex.  Unfortunately, I've been battling him in court over money that he tries to not pay me.  I'm tired of dealing with him.  My daughter is too.  She's 18 and barely knows about adult situations.  Because of her father she's had to deal with so many traumatic things.  How can a father do these kinds of things to his own daughter?  LIke Victoria said, my ex will eventually be given to God for him to judge.  Karma will catch up to my ex.  He will be judged in God's eyes one day.  I was faithful and loving in my marriage at the very end of it I was treated like garbage and dragged through the gutter. 

Hello steviechick; thank you for replying. :-) Wow! When I read this, I think my issues are so minor. This is sad - see, this is why we have to think about our actions and how they will truly affect others. When we do wrong, we need to recognize it and do what we can to rectify it so we won't be punished by God. I hope it gets better for you and your daughter emotionally, spiritually, and whatever way you need healing. May the Lord bless yall and that you may have peace even while he still exists in your lives. Question of curiosity: Now that your daughter is 18, do you think you should continue to fight your ex over money?


In my divorce agreement my ex agreed to paying our DD a certain amount per month while she attended college.  He can request the judge lower that amount or have the judge allow him not to pay the amount based on his current financial situation.   It all depends on what my ex will/won't do for his own daughter.  In my situation, my ex owes me for three loans.  One for a new car (401(k) loan I took out) and two personal loans (money I gave him while he was having his three year affair).  My ex can't walk away from what he owes me.  It's in the thousands of dollars.  Plus, I had to go after him for a contempt of charge twice.  So, he owes me for attorney's fees. 

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