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Arrgh! I can't take this much longer!

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:07 AM
  • 13 Replies

This afternoon, my oldest daughter, 19, and I got our hair done. I then decided to take my four girls out to dinner afterwards, so I drove home to pick up the other three girls (D19 had driven herself to hair appointment so she had her own car and went to the restaurant to wait for us).  D14 didn't feel like going, so she opted to stay home. So it was me, D19, D13, and D11.  D11 is the one with oppositional defiance disorder. D11 has a terrible habit of interrupting one's conversation, especially if it's something she does not understand. Oftentimes, though, she knows exactly what we're talking about but prefers to play dumb, thereby taking the attention off the others and onto herself, which was the case tonight. We were finishing up our meal when D11 asked if we could go see the movie Pitch Perfect at the dollar theatre. I told her no.  I already took her last week when everyone else had activities going on, except her, so I felt sorry for her and just she and I went to the movie together. She wanted us to all go tonight and would not take no for an answer. Next thing I know she's kicking me in the shins across the table, whining, nagging, egging me on to the point where I stood up and went to pay my bill. She came up to me at that point and grabbed my arm, making it difficult for me to sign the receipt.  Then, we went outside and she attempted to get into D19's car, but D19 would have none of it. D11 then took off her snow boot and threw it at D19's car! D11 finally got into my car and proceeded to whine and carry on about going and seeing the movie, but I was sticking to my guns. We proceeded to drive home. I reminded D11 that she had already violated her first offence on our "contract," which we signed last week and that because of that, she lost her computer privileges for 24 hours.  Oh, that did not go over well at all! She began to kick the back of my seat and hit me in the head as I was driving, as well as calling me a b*tch and *-hole! I pulled over and said, "We're not going anywhere until you calm down and stop hitting me and calling me names." I might add that D13 was also in the car with us, poor girl. We sat there a good ten minutes before my bladder gave out. D11 said she'd calm down, so I pulled out into traffic. I no sooner pulled out and she was at it again. I drove as far up the road to the Chevron station where I, again, pulled over. At this point, she's trying to take my cell phone away from me because I am texting my sisters for backup.  I finally drove home and ignored her as much as I could, but she whined and carried on for the good ten minutes it took for me to drive home. One sister was close by at a restaurant so she and her husband came over. Her husband went and talked to D11 to try and set her straight.  D11 was definitely embarrassed that I had called them, but I needed to do something before I lost my cool. I tried to remain as cool, calm, and collected as I could, but when she starts hitting, I start getting scared. According to the contract, which the mental health coordinator helped me write, after three offenses, she loses her computer, TV, AND DSI privileges. Well, she has hidden her DSI and refuses to tell me where it is.  I have decided not to push that because as I type this, she is on the couch reading, and I don't want to upset the cart right now.

I'm sure you've heard, "It takes a village to raise a child."  Tomorrow, I have invited several friends and relatives to come to a meeting where I will ask for their help in the event this happens again. The parenting class is an excellent class, and I have learned so much from it. But this is a child who has ODD; therefore, we must tread lightly.  I am afraid, though, if we can't curb some of her raging outburts, she will end up in juvenile detention or the Children's Home, neither of which I want to see, but if that's what it's going to take, then so be it.  I just want peace in my family again. Is that so hard to ask? How can an 11-year-old change the mood of an entire family in just two seconds flat?!  Oh, how she is so good at that. Right now I am crying as I type this. I love my daughter with my heart and soul, and I want to help her. But I don't know how to handle her ODD. 

Sorry this is so long. I guess this is what you'd call a "vent."  Thank you for listening. 

P.S. She sees a psychatrist on January 3rd. That day can't come soon enough!



by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:07 AM
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Replies (1-10):
LilAsMom526
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 12:31 AM
Wow you have a lot on your plate. Good luck mama! Best wishes to you! From what I've read you are doing the best you can. That's all you can do.
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sid1083
by Silver Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 2:36 AM
That is a lot to take on! It sounds like you handle the situation wonderfully (as hard as it is while you're dealing with it right then) and it's great you have supportive family.
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tyfry7496
by Janet on Dec. 9, 2012 at 3:31 AM
My friends daughter has ODD and as part of their plan, anytime the daughter physically touches someone with intent to hurt, the police are called and she's Chaptered and held in the psych ward for 72 hours. Took a couple times but she finally learned to control herself because she has no choice but to comply in the ward.
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SusanArlene
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 9:29 AM


Quoting tyfry7496:

My friends daughter has ODD and as part of their plan, anytime the daughter physically touches someone with intent to hurt, the police are called and she's Chaptered and held in the psych ward for 72 hours. Took a couple times but she finally learned to control herself because she has no choice but to comply in the ward.

How old is your friend's daughter? And, what does "chaptered" mean? Is that like being
"booked on charges" of assault? 

SusanArlene
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 9:32 AM

I might also add that, according to our contract, she had three offenses last night by the time it was all said and done. She has now lost computer, TV, AND DSI privileges for 48 hours. She's sleeping as I type this, but I know, beyhond a shadow of a doubt, that when she wakes up, she's going to want those things, and it's going to be a nightmare all over again. I am dreading today and cannot wait until 4:00 gets here. At least I know family and friends are only a phone call away. 

SusanArlene
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 9:36 AM


Quoting tyfry7496:

My friends daughter has ODD and as part of their plan, anytime the daughter physically touches someone with intent to hurt, the police are called and she's Chaptered and held in the psych ward for 72 hours. Took a couple times but she finally learned to control herself because she has no choice but to comply in the ward.

I invited my neighbors across the street to the meeting, and they have both complied. Their daughter is one of my daughter's friends (the very few that she has). They were totaly shocked at what I told them about D11's behavioral issues. They said they don't see that when she's at their house, which tells them she does have self-control. Thankfully, I have voice recordings, as well as videos to back me up; otherwise, I may not be believed by some people who tell me she's a "sweet, shy, docile."  Yeah, she can be when she wants to be.

tyfry7496
by Janet on Dec. 9, 2012 at 10:47 AM
She is now almost 18. No Chapter doesn't mean booked on charges. A Chapter is the police ability to have a person admitted to a psych ward if they are a danger to themselves or others. Police take them to the ER, a mental health professional evaluates and determines if commitment is needed. It's a quick way to get someone's mental illness under control without fighting with insurance. The hospital can determine if a longer stay is needed and make sure meds are working properly or what's really needed. My friends daughter has been Chaptered a few times since she was 11. Through this she has slowly gotten better at controlling herself because being in a locked ward is no fun.

Quoting SusanArlene:



Quoting tyfry7496:

My friends daughter has ODD and as part of their plan, anytime the daughter physically touches someone with intent to hurt, the police are called and she's Chaptered and held in the psych ward for 72 hours. Took a couple times but she finally learned to control herself because she has no choice but to comply in the ward.

How old is your friend's daughter? And, what does "chaptered" mean? Is that like being
"booked on charges" of assault? 

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tyfry7496
by Janet on Dec. 9, 2012 at 10:55 AM
That's exactly how my friends daughter is. Lets call her T for ease. T can be the sweetest most helpful young lady but when she turns its scary. It's still hard to determine what makes her snap. I've picked her up from the police department because she's thrown chairs at teachers. T did not like me after that. (Well for a short time). I had to drop plans to go get her and I let her know that. The police officer saw Ts sweetness and told me to go easy on her. Yeah, no. I explained to the officer what T is like. I've taken her to counseling appt too and dealt with CPS because of her outrageous lies. Yes, I'm one of her moms backups because I've learned to handle her moods. I watched her for almost a year and it was the most stressful but rewarding time. My friend is fighting for guardianship because T will never be able to take care of herself. Very immature and mentally unstable. I do what I can to give mom a break and be there for her too.

You should find a respite care worker to help you out. My friend went through social services to get that help.

Are you inWisconsin? I thought I'd seen that somewhere. If you are I may be able to get you some contacts.


Quoting SusanArlene:



Quoting tyfry7496:

My friends daughter has ODD and as part of their plan, anytime the daughter physically touches someone with intent to hurt, the police are called and she's Chaptered and held in the psych ward for 72 hours. Took a couple times but she finally learned to control herself because she has no choice but to comply in the ward.

I invited my neighbors across the street to the meeting, and they have both complied. Their daughter is one of my daughter's friends (the very few that she has). They were totaly shocked at what I told them about D11's behavioral issues. They said they don't see that when she's at their house, which tells them she does have self-control. Thankfully, I have voice recordings, as well as videos to back me up; otherwise, I may not be believed by some people who tell me she's a "sweet, shy, docile."  Yeah, she can be when she wants to be.

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brieri
by Platinum Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 2:46 PM

 I do hope you can find some support services to help you gain the knowledge of how to handle her or gain knowledge what ODD is all about..  Sometimes a child whines about things because they don't get their ways. 

pupdogtails2008
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 3:36 PM
1 mom liked this
You should ask the psychiatrist what kind of therapy she may be able to receive. I know for ASD, they can get ABA therapy. I actually do this. I go into the home and help the FAMILY, not just the child. As you can see, you had to learn a lot to parent this child differently than your other 3. You probably didn't have bahavioral contracts with them, but you do with her. So, ask ask ask. This could greatly improve your life!
Continue the parenting classes, if nothing else, treat it like a support group. If she HONESTLY has ODD, than keep in mind, she can only control herself so much. It's not an act, and she probably hates it too. She needs to learn techniques for when she starts to feel an episode coming on. I think of it as when im on My period, I usually can feel a heaviness in my chest and things upset me easier. I know this, and I can't do anything about it. Then that upsets me and soon I'm in a spiral. Well, this is how she feels all the time but doesn't know normal so she doesn't see there is anything wrong or to ask for help. She may feel threatened that she doesn't have control. Maybe make a schedule with a piece of paper and pictures of activities. She gets to choose what activities she does that week, if she completes tasks that you give her. Put your task (picture) next to her chosen activity (picture) and it will help her visualize the reward and also give her control.
I can give you more ideas like that of you need. I'm like Mary Poppins with little Positive Reinforcements that can help her. It's not bribing them to do the right thing, it's giving every day rewards at a particular time to teach them a lesson. Going to lunch with mom on Saturday can be a 'reward' if she had no episodes Mon-Fri. Or going to the dollar theater can be a reward if she follows her contract. Getting to rent a movie on a friday if she completed all of her homework throughout the week. If she can't last a whole week to earn a reward than start with daily rewards. She gets to pick the dessert if there were no episodes, she gets 30 mins computer/dsi time. TAKE THE DSI AWAY COMPLETELY and let her earn it. Give it to her as a reward, don't take it away as a punishment! If you get 5 stars on your behavior chart you get a half hour on the DSI. Make her work for it, let her see her progress, than praise her for it!!!
Okay I'm rambling now. Feel free to message me.
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