A broken heart, and an unborn baby. I don't know what to do.
I fell hard for my summer love. He was everything I could have asked for and more. We just clicked, and everything kind of fell into place. We spent every single day together until eventually he decided to move in. Not long after that we found out I was pregnant. I remember the very moment I told him. I took a pregnancy test while I was at work. He came in to bring me some lunch, and he could just tell by the look on my face that something was wrong so I showed him the test. He wrapped his arms around me, and told me that everything was going to be okay. That no matter what happened, we were going to be a family and he would make sure that me and the baby would be taken care of. He was happy, really happy. His dad wasn't around when he was little, so I think he was kind of longing to be the father that he never had. I wasn't so sure I felt the same way. I love kids, and I love him. But at 21 years old, how ready can you really be to have a child? I pondered the thought of abortion but when I finally brought myself to talk to him about that as an option he freaked out. He started crying and telling me that I couldn't kill his child. The more I thought about it, the scareder I got and I told him that I made up my mind. That I wasn't ready to have a kid. As soon as I told him that, everything changed. We started fighting all the time, the sex was just sex. And slowly everything started to fall apart. I still hadn't got the abortion at this point because I was waiting for my state health care to get approved. One night we got in a terrible fight, things were said that will never be forgiven, and he left. I came home from work, and all his stuff was gone. It's been about a month since we broke up. My health care app still hadn't been approved, so I still couldn't afford the abortion. I was laying in bed, feeling my stomach, when I noticed I could start to feel it getting hard. Just a tiny bump. Nothing noticeable when I'm standing up, but you can definitely tell when I'm laying down. I just started balling my eyes out. Now I'm completely unsure as to what I want to do. I'm 15 weeks right now, so I know I don't have a lot of time to make up my mind. One thing I'm really concerned about, is the fact that I did drink a couple of times after him and I broke up. Not extensively, but at that point I was 100% sure that I wasn't keeping the baby. Now I feel like maybe I want to keep it, but I don't know how the alcohol would have effected it, if at all. I know Jeremy would be a wonderful dad. Regardless of the fact him and I would probably never work things out, I know he'd always be here for his son. At least I think so. But being a single mom terrifies me. That's never how I pictured my life. I was supposed to get married, and have a career, and then have a baby. I'm afraid of going through everything alone. I'm afraid of not being able to provide the kind of home my child deserves. But at the same time, I love him. He's not here, and I still haven't made up my mind, but I already love him more than anything. I got a letter in the mail yesterday that my health care plan has finally been accepted and I know I need to make a decision. I know that nobody can make this decision for me, but any advice you could give me would be much appreciated.