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Single mom struggling and needs advice, please read.

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 7:28 AM
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I am writing today because i am lost. I dont even know where to begin. I guess ill start with i am the mother of a 7 month old little girl. I am raising her all on my own. I am 23 years old. I got married when i turned 18. My ex and i have been seperated for a year but we are still legally married. My ex was always in and out..each day you never knew what was going to happen. He hide alot from me during our marriage. He was addicted to cocaine, went awol from the military, spent time in jail for civilian Felony charges and spent time in prison for dessertion. After all of the lies and cheating i thought he had turned his life around..he promised he was off of drugs, he learned his lessons, he was a little older, he opened his own business. I thought everything was turning out the way id always hoped. I loved this man, so very much. I still do. But this man has hurt me in every single way possible..i never knew a person could feel such pain. My heart literlly aches. He left again a week before i found out i was pregnant. Took everything out of no where one day while i was out with my sister. During this past year he had been with many woman, calls me once in a while and has seen the baby 3 times. In the back of my head i thought he would come back and be the changed man i loved. But i am a fool for even wanting him, HOW COULD I WANT him? How can i love a man who abandoned me and my child. We tooks vows and promised eachother till death do us part. It wasnt always bad between us, we were once so in love and so happy. But the drugs and the cheating tore of apart..and how can you go back after all i am here raising my daughter alone. He recently has asked to take the baby alone and i wont allow it..he can come here to see her but i dont trust him with his record\history. His mother took my to court and i allowed her 1 day a month as long as the my ex wasnt present. She was granted 1 day a month for 3 hours and we go back in 1 month to determine longer hours and my ex is not to be there. He is now so angry with me, i have never seen him this angry and mad, He told me he was going to get me where it hurts and to wait and see..2 weeks later he is now 'in a relationship' with my ex friend of 15 years. When will the hurt stop? When will i not care? Why cant i get over this guy? What do i do about my daughter? How can i cut my ties if we have a child? My life is wonderful and the only thing holding heavy on my heart and chest is him. I cant keep hiding my feelings and i want to be healhty again and happy. I love my daughter and she brings me more joy then ive ever known. My family and i are very close but underneath it all i am so scared and hurt by this man. How can i still love him and how can i stop him from hurting me. Everything ive ever wanted with him i know i will never have. The family i dreamed of is torn apart. I dont even think he loves me anymore or if he ever did. I am sick of this war. And now i am dealing with court. I feel alone, stressed and lost. Advice?

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 7:28 AM
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by Bronze Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 8:45 AM
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I'm so sorry!  I have a 7 month old boy whom I am raising alone too.  I spent the whole pregnancy and the first few months of his life torn up over the actions of his father.  One day it just hit me.  No matter what we had or how much we loved each other, I didn't want to be with someone who was willing to hurt me so badly OVER and OVER again.  He popped in and out as well.  We actually spent a week living with him, and then he popped out again!!  After that, I told myself that I could never love anyone who could so badly hurt the mother of his child. 

If you think of it this way, you will be able to move on more quickly.

I'm 24.  We are both young and there is a whole world of better guys out there.  Private message me if you want to talk more.  I can definitely relate. 

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 8:49 AM
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I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation. {{ HUGS}}

You take it a day at a time, first you file for divorce,& custody & child support before your Dh does. (or his mom does for him) I know it hurts (I stayed in a marriage where I loved my now X and I said I took vows also for 18 yrs w/ a man that cheated 2 yrs before we married! and thru the marriage, we were on and off the whole time) Yes 2 beautiful daughters. The vows were for BOTH of you and only work if both of you work on them. 

See a counseler. They will help. I know at times your head is spinning, but you have such a beautiful baby! She needs her mama. Your a strong woman and can do this!

Good luck!

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:23 AM
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Even after my divorce my ex held a very special place in my heart, he was the father of my child, the child I loved more then I ever imagined he was also the man I loved for so many years, and that love doesn't go away. What you must learn is to move forward, to understand that the chapter/life you had with your ex is no longer there and you have to move forward to make a new chapter/life with your daugther. That means make everything legal, go file for divorce, file for child support, file for modified visitation given his past behavior, the sooner you start to do these things the sooner you will feel like you are moving forward, it's not going to be easy it will probably make you hurt but once these things are settled you will slow be able to regain some of that power back over your myself and your hurt. 

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:54 AM
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Take heart. Only reason he is with her is to get to you. Which means you still have power in his life. He is desperate to make you jealous and to anger you. You have already won.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:58 AM
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To hell with the both of them.  I'm sorry your hurt.  Eventually you'll be in a better place, and you will see you are better off.  Until then, please accept this sweatpea as a show of support.


Sorry, I didn't look at the group before I posted. 

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 12:10 PM
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 First of all hugs to you and the baby second you and the baby are beautiful and deserve better. I want you to take a look in the mirror and say I deserve better and when you feel down and out and cant make sense you look over to your daughter and say she deserves better too. Our children is to be our light when its dark to put a smile on our face when we are sad to give the tiny hugs around your neck when you need that comfort.  Its time you stand your ground and take back your life file for divorce get full custody (you have a good case) start making decisions on your terms only because at the end of the day you and your daughter will be affected. Start the healing process.

I am going through exactly the same thing with my daughters father i was with him for 4 years we were to get married and raise a family and he lied and cheated on me. I am in the process of healing and learning to let go and still have to deal with him. I get a break though he is lives outside the US so I only have to deal with him via phone. I will be taking  my children next year so they can see there dads both dads are in the same place. I now have a better relationship with my seconds sons dad. I want nothing to do with my daughters dad and I pray every day for my broken heart to heal as I will for yours too.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 2:51 PM
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 Hi and welcome to the group.

Counseling may help heal some of the hurt you are going through.  Find one so to talk about what you are going through.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 5:22 PM
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It just takes time and tears. Cut off all forms of communication with him except for about the child. Keep your focus on bettering you life for you and your child. Be around people as much as possible and stay busy so you dont have time to think about him. When the pain and missing him comes in, focus on only the negatives, not the good times. Let yourself be angry and even hate him for awhile, then you have to forgive him (for yourself, not him) and then youll be able to move on. ((hugs))
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by Ruby Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 6:19 PM
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 to me it sounds as if you are not letting him see your child because he hurt YOU. is he an actual danger to her, or are you just ngoing by his history? my SO has a violent felony and spent an decade in and out of prison. a year in the hole. two strikes. he straightened out. got married to his second wife. had three kids w her. he was determined not to make the same mistake he did in his first marriage (being in and out of prison therefore in and out of his older kids lives) and he didnt. he got a good job. was there five years, then got a better one. somewhere along the way, he and his second wife fell out of love. she began to nag. he never got a moments peace. but he did everything for his kids. some years down the road he caught her cheating. he tried to work things out. caught her cheating againa nd left. she thought hed come back but he didnt so she started playing games with court. crying he was a drunbk and an ex felon and should not be trusted with his kids.

it was a tough road but he got his rights. he has the kids every other weekend fri-mon and overnights wednesdays. he doesnt have to have their moms approval for jack shit. they are now civil.

my point is that you really need to think about if hes really a danger or are you acting out of hurt. that baby deserves a father if there is a willing one that isnt going to hurt her. just because he is a bad husband doestn mean hes a bad father. you havent given him a chance. its shitty of him but it doesnt matter who he dates now. youa rent together. too much ugliness has passed and things will never be that happy beginning again.

but then again maybe hes totally unstable. idk. only you do.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 6:56 PM

Thank you everyone for answering back. I really needed to hear everything you all said. You have no idea how much i appreciate you all taking the time to give me advice. It is so nice to know im not alone! I am taking it one day at a time. Ive decided to call my lawyer tomorrow and file for a divorce. I also will be filing for full custody. Which i am afraid to do because i dont want to start a battle with my ex. If i tell him i want full custody he will be furious and file for joint custody. I have no idea how the system works. I know my child needs a father. But my ex does not want to be a dad for Ava, he wants to be a dad when it is a good day for him or to use my daughter to hurt me somehow. To answer Farie25, He is not responsible enough to take her on his own. One of the three times he came to see her we went to the park, while in his truck he pulled out a bowl of weed and started to hit it! He thought it was funny. I immediately had him pull over, air the car out and drive us home. I was so upset with him and disgusted with his immaturity not to mention my poor newbie and her lungs! AND that's what he does around me..i couldnt imagine what he would do alone and with his friends! I dont know how he would be as a dad since he hasnt seen her, but he is welcomed to come see her any day and he doesn't. In the beg. i asked him to come all the time. He always said he was too busy. People have told me before to give him a chance to be a good dad but how do i send off my baby to a man i dont trust, who has showed me no reason to trust him with the baby. He smokes cigarettes and i know its not illegal but i do not want my girls lungs being filled with second hand smoke. This is just off the top of my head there is much more that i just couldnt explain in one message. I want him to see her and i want her to have her daddy! BUT if he messes up its a baby we are talking about not a puppy. He left the army..he left me..he left our daughter...he has never lived up to a single word. If he wants to see her i told him id feel more comfortable goign to court so that i know he wont run off with her and IDK!! After he was told his mother was to see her without him he called me horrible names right there in court..he makes me feel like the ugliest person in the world. I have lost all self esteem. He was so angry but not because he couldn't see the baby but because he was TOLD he couldn't. THat is what bothered him. He likes control. He still has control over me somehow..he knows i let him get away with everything. Im so weak its pitiful! I want my daughter to be raised how i was raised, in a good home with good morals...i dont want her to see the trouble my ex brings. When my nephew would come over before i was pregnant he would get aggravated with the fingerprints on our glass tv stand he would yell at everything the kid did, even if he wasn't getting into trouble. His sister has two children who CPS is always dealing with. I dont want my baby involved in this family. My grandma was right i should have married a preacher! LOL I was raised in a good home and went down a bad road by marrying this guy. But he fooled us all, even my father! I honestly dont know what the right thing is to do. If i take a chance idk what will happen..he could be a great dad, have her home on time, do whats right OR he could let my daughter be subjected to tons of woman, drugs and trouble....I should have waited to get married and this would never have happened. I love my daughter and out of this whole mess i did get one blessing..My little AvA LEe. She is just amazing and i want only the best for her.

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