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Single mom struggling and needs advice, please read.

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I am writing today because i am lost. I dont even know where to begin. I guess ill start with i am the mother of a 7 month old little girl. I am raising her all on my own. I am 23 years old. I got married when i turned 18. My ex and i have been seperated for a year but we are still legally married. My ex was always in and out..each day you never knew what was going to happen. He hide alot from me during our marriage. He was addicted to cocaine, went awol from the military, spent time in jail for civilian Felony charges and spent time in prison for dessertion. After all of the lies and cheating i thought he had turned his life around..he promised he was off of drugs, he learned his lessons, he was a little older, he opened his own business. I thought everything was turning out the way id always hoped. I loved this man, so very much. I still do. But this man has hurt me in every single way possible..i never knew a person could feel such pain. My heart literlly aches. He left again a week before i found out i was pregnant. Took everything out of no where one day while i was out with my sister. During this past year he had been with many woman, calls me once in a while and has seen the baby 3 times. In the back of my head i thought he would come back and be the changed man i loved. But i am a fool for even wanting him, HOW COULD I WANT him? How can i love a man who abandoned me and my child. We tooks vows and promised eachother till death do us part. It wasnt always bad between us, we were once so in love and so happy. But the drugs and the cheating tore of apart..and how can you go back after all i am here raising my daughter alone. He recently has asked to take the baby alone and i wont allow it..he can come here to see her but i dont trust him with his record\history. His mother took my to court and i allowed her 1 day a month as long as the my ex wasnt present. She was granted 1 day a month for 3 hours and we go back in 1 month to determine longer hours and my ex is not to be there. He is now so angry with me, i have never seen him this angry and mad, He told me he was going to get me where it hurts and to wait and see..2 weeks later he is now 'in a relationship' with my ex friend of 15 years. When will the hurt stop? When will i not care? Why cant i get over this guy? What do i do about my daughter? How can i cut my ties if we have a child? My life is wonderful and the only thing holding heavy on my heart and chest is him. I cant keep hiding my feelings and i want to be healhty again and happy. I love my daughter and she brings me more joy then ive ever known. My family and i are very close but underneath it all i am so scared and hurt by this man. How can i still love him and how can i stop him from hurting me. Everything ive ever wanted with him i know i will never have. The family i dreamed of is torn apart. I dont even think he loves me anymore or if he ever did. I am sick of this war. And now i am dealing with court. I feel alone, stressed and lost. Advice?

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 7:28 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 6:56 PM

Thank you everyone for answering back. I really needed to hear everything you all said. You have no idea how much i appreciate you all taking the time to give me advice. It is so nice to know im not alone! I am taking it one day at a time. Ive decided to call my lawyer tomorrow and file for a divorce. I also will be filing for full custody. Which i am afraid to do because i dont want to start a battle with my ex. If i tell him i want full custody he will be furious and file for joint custody. I have no idea how the system works. I know my child needs a father. But my ex does not want to be a dad for Ava, he wants to be a dad when it is a good day for him or to use my daughter to hurt me somehow. To answer Farie25, He is not responsible enough to take her on his own. One of the three times he came to see her we went to the park, while in his truck he pulled out a bowl of weed and started to hit it! He thought it was funny. I immediately had him pull over, air the car out and drive us home. I was so upset with him and disgusted with his immaturity not to mention my poor newbie and her lungs! AND that's what he does around me..i couldnt imagine what he would do alone and with his friends! I dont know how he would be as a dad since he hasnt seen her, but he is welcomed to come see her any day and he doesn't. In the beg. i asked him to come all the time. He always said he was too busy. People have told me before to give him a chance to be a good dad but how do i send off my baby to a man i dont trust, who has showed me no reason to trust him with the baby. He smokes cigarettes and i know its not illegal but i do not want my girls lungs being filled with second hand smoke. This is just off the top of my head there is much more that i just couldnt explain in one message. I want him to see her and i want her to have her daddy! BUT if he messes up its a baby we are talking about not a puppy. He left the army..he left me..he left our daughter...he has never lived up to a single word. If he wants to see her i told him id feel more comfortable goign to court so that i know he wont run off with her and IDK!! After he was told his mother was to see her without him he called me horrible names right there in court..he makes me feel like the ugliest person in the world. I have lost all self esteem. He was so angry but not because he couldn't see the baby but because he was TOLD he couldn't. THat is what bothered him. He likes control. He still has control over me somehow..he knows i let him get away with everything. Im so weak its pitiful! I want my daughter to be raised how i was raised, in a good home with good morals...i dont want her to see the trouble my ex brings. When my nephew would come over before i was pregnant he would get aggravated with the fingerprints on our glass tv stand he would yell at everything the kid did, even if he wasn't getting into trouble. His sister has two children who CPS is always dealing with. I dont want my baby involved in this family. My grandma was right i should have married a preacher! LOL I was raised in a good home and went down a bad road by marrying this guy. But he fooled us all, even my father! I honestly dont know what the right thing is to do. If i take a chance idk what will happen..he could be a great dad, have her home on time, do whats right OR he could let my daughter be subjected to tons of woman, drugs and trouble....I should have waited to get married and this would never have happened. I love my daughter and out of this whole mess i did get one blessing..My little AvA LEe. She is just amazing and i want only the best for her.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 7:04 PM

Yes a big part of me does NOT want my daughter hanging out with his girlfreinds and family without me her mommy i want to see and be there ya know. But i know i cant always do that and i know because we arent together he is going to be with other people but its hard to wrap my head around that and i know he hurt me bad but i am not using ava to hurt him. That is not the case..,my heart is telling me to hold on to her TIGHT..and thats just what i will do. Last week was also the first visitiation with her grandmother...after taking me to court she never showed him to take the baby...they play mind games and have since day one...anways ladies time for me to get off of this and do some laundry!! I will be back tomorrow. and once agian thank you for being here! I am grateful!

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:17 PM
1 mom liked this

I applaud you for finding the courage to share your story. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this, but you are definitely not alone!!! It hurts so much because you have history with this man and you share a beautiful child together!!! Don't hold your breathe too long for him because you'll miss out on the greater things in life!!!! Believe that you deserve the best in life!!!! Desire what is best for your daugther!!! The best way to learn how to let go is to learn how to forgive a man without asking him to come back!!!! Remember you want to see your daugther live a very happy and healthy life, I'm sure your daugther would love that for you too!!!! Stay strong!!!! 

by Tina on Dec. 11, 2012 at 11:01 PM

*HUGS* and welcome!

by Nora on Dec. 11, 2012 at 11:31 PM
Hugs mama welcome to the group. It will take time to heal. Even though he has hurt you you share a common bond and its not so easy to stop loving
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by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 5:22 AM
2 moms liked this

I know it hurts, but with what he has done to you, he never did. My husband abused me and claimed at one point of cheating with 5 women, stole at least $100k from me and has most likely fled the country. He never loved me. If you love someone, you don't do stuff like this. You're better off without him, even though he has to be in the picture somewhat. He is immature and sounds abusive too. Your family is not torn apart; you and your daughter and other family members are family. What he did to you does not describe "family." Release him; you and your baby will be healthy without him. By holding onto what could've been, you hold on to the pain. See what he has done to you and know you are better off. This pain you are feeling is a part of the healing process. It hurts bad in the beginning, but you will transform. Your ex didn't make you and he won't break you either. There is a better life for you that is coming soon =)

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:24 AM
2 moms liked this

I kind of had a similar situation with my little ones dad...  I was so incredibly dependent on him, but his lies and cheating drove me to leave, but it didn't stop the hurt for years.  What helped me the most was moving far away from him and our memories.  I started a completely new life, lonely at first, but eventually I found myself in new friendships. I found who I was in a new city and made new memories with my babies.  Good luck :(

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:29 AM
1 mom liked this

Just let that dream go so a new can grow.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:32 AM

I'm so sorry hun. Thats a tough situation and honestly all you can do is stay focused on whats important and take it one day at a time.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:36 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm not going to lie. The pain doesn't just go away. It fades, but it takes time. Time and time alone. I left my ex a year ago, and we still talk on the phone. A lot. But the pain of him being with other women (even with women I know very well, and women I've thought as my friends) is still there, even though I am with someone else. His three year old daughter barely sees him, and never alone. I'm scared he will run away with her if he has the chance to be alone with her. His family doesn't see her, either. 

To this day, if I knew he would change, I would probably drop everything to be with him. But I know he won't. And I think that that is what matters most.

You know he won't change. And even if he did, you don't want your kiddo being around him, because you know in the back of your mind that you're always going to be questioning his actions. 

All I can say is to go forward, and try as hard as you can to move on. It's not easy, but then again, you had a child with him, and that shows how much you love him. It's not supposed to be easy getting over being in love, but you have to do what's best for you and your child.

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