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Single mom struggling and needs advice, please read.

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I am writing today because i am lost. I dont even know where to begin. I guess ill start with i am the mother of a 7 month old little girl. I am raising her all on my own. I am 23 years old. I got married when i turned 18. My ex and i have been seperated for a year but we are still legally married. My ex was always in and out..each day you never knew what was going to happen. He hide alot from me during our marriage. He was addicted to cocaine, went awol from the military, spent time in jail for civilian Felony charges and spent time in prison for dessertion. After all of the lies and cheating i thought he had turned his life around..he promised he was off of drugs, he learned his lessons, he was a little older, he opened his own business. I thought everything was turning out the way id always hoped. I loved this man, so very much. I still do. But this man has hurt me in every single way possible..i never knew a person could feel such pain. My heart literlly aches. He left again a week before i found out i was pregnant. Took everything out of no where one day while i was out with my sister. During this past year he had been with many woman, calls me once in a while and has seen the baby 3 times. In the back of my head i thought he would come back and be the changed man i loved. But i am a fool for even wanting him, HOW COULD I WANT him? How can i love a man who abandoned me and my child. We tooks vows and promised eachother till death do us part. It wasnt always bad between us, we were once so in love and so happy. But the drugs and the cheating tore of apart..and how can you go back after all that...now i am here raising my daughter alone. He recently has asked to take the baby alone and i wont allow it..he can come here to see her but i dont trust him with his record\history. His mother took my to court and i allowed her 1 day a month as long as the my ex wasnt present. She was granted 1 day a month for 3 hours and we go back in 1 month to determine longer hours and my ex is not to be there. He is now so angry with me, i have never seen him this angry and mad, He told me he was going to get me where it hurts and to wait and see..2 weeks later he is now 'in a relationship' with my ex friend of 15 years. When will the hurt stop? When will i not care? Why cant i get over this guy? What do i do about my daughter? How can i cut my ties if we have a child? My life is wonderful and the only thing holding heavy on my heart and chest is him. I cant keep hiding my feelings and i want to be healhty again and happy. I love my daughter and she brings me more joy then ive ever known. My family and i are very close but underneath it all i am so scared and hurt by this man. How can i still love him and how can i stop him from hurting me. Everything ive ever wanted with him i know i will never have. The family i dreamed of is torn apart. I dont even think he loves me anymore or if he ever did. I am sick of this war. And now i am dealing with court. I feel alone, stressed and lost. Advice?

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 7:28 AM
Replies (21-30):
MamaPrime
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

You don't want HIM you want the person you WANT him to be. FInd the man who fits what you are looking for and stop wasting your energy on someone who you want to change, because he won't. 

momofmany86
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:57 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I am truly sorry for what this man has done to you. I am here for support if you need it, and I'll be thinking about you today.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 12:11 PM
1 mom liked this

 for most people it does go away. its only been a year for you which is not long at all, so keep hope!

Quoting Mamapanda1030:

I'm not going to lie. The pain doesn't just go away. It fades, but it takes time. Time and time alone. I left my ex a year ago, and we still talk on the phone. A lot. But the pain of him being with other women (even with women I know very well, and women I've thought as my friends) is still there, even though I am with someone else. His three year old daughter barely sees him, and never alone. I'm scared he will run away with her if he has the chance to be alone with her. His family doesn't see her, either. 

To this day, if I knew he would change, I would probably drop everything to be with him. But I know he won't. And I think that that is what matters most.

You know he won't change. And even if he did, you don't want your kiddo being around him, because you know in the back of your mind that you're always going to be questioning his actions. 

All I can say is to go forward, and try as hard as you can to move on. It's not easy, but then again, you had a child with him, and that shows how much you love him. It's not supposed to be easy getting over being in love, but you have to do what's best for you and your child.

 

 
        
         

sucker4myloves
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 1:32 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm so sorry. I've never been in your shoes and have no real advice. I was a single mother, and the biological father of my son is a piece of shit, but he never tried to come back into his life after I broke up with him. I hope you can find a way to keep him away from your daughter. He's poisonous. All I can do is pray for you, because I don't know what else to say, besides *hugs*

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witchybabymomma
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 1:48 PM

 Get a good lawyer and make sure your child is protected at all costs

mmtosam06
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 1:57 PM

Hugs to you and to your baby

Ginnygurl97
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 2:05 PM
2 moms liked this
That is my life to a 'T' damn. I know that feeling
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Karen_S
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 2:40 PM

I am so sorry.  I have had my heart utterly broken, too...there is no real advice, just be gentle and forgiving on yourself and know that eventually, in time, you will feel better. It will be slow, and right now it doesn't feel like it will ever happen, but you will feel better one day.  Praying for strength and healing for you.

You do know by now, I think, that the man you love never really existed...you loved what you thought he was? It is true that he will always be her biological father, and you will have to interact at some level.  You need to follow to a T any custody agreement that gets set, but you don't need to trust him, and you don't need to try again to make it work. Think about how much he has hurt you...if you let him back in, and he leaves again, he'll hurt your daughter even worse. Be strong for her. 

Serenitymom
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 2:49 PM

It will be hard to prove in court about the drug use and abuse. After finding out my ex beat my oldest daughter as an infant because he couldn't handle her crying, I couldn't prove that he did do that, I only knew because he had confessed to me what he did. You can maybe court order several clean drug tests before he can have unsupervised visitation, but do bring up his drug abuse. I was in the same boat, I was terrified about letting my girls go with bio father, but I had to. But my ex didn't have drug problems until after our split (which he wound up getting into steriods). And I was lucky that he (still to this day three years later) doesn't stay consistant through out the girl's lives. My oldest is seven now and starting to see her father for who he is, and I didn't even have to do anything. My sons father is in prision, and doesn't even know him. That was a relationship much like yours, so I will have to file full custody before he gets out. Good luck to you and I hope you get a judge that is more understanding of your situation.

Quoting AvasMommaxxoo:

Yes a big part of me does NOT want my daughter hanging out with his girlfreinds and family without me there..im her mommy i want to see and be there ya know. But i know i cant always do that and i know because we arent together he is going to be with other people but its hard to wrap my head around that and i know he hurt me bad but i am not using ava to hurt him. That is not the case..,my heart is telling me to hold on to her TIGHT..and thats just what i will do. Last week was also the first visitiation with her grandmother...after taking me to court she never showed him to take the baby...they play mind games and have since day one...anways ladies time for me to get off of this and do some laundry!! I will be back tomorrow. and once agian thank you for being here! I am grateful!


jlo1313
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 3:02 PM

I am sorry you have had to go through this.  My advice, take it one day at a time and let yourself heal.  Its a slow process and it gets easier every day.  I would be leary of him taking your daughter with his history as well.  His maturity level and obvious lack of responsibility or care for others would make me leary of having him around your child at all, especially with the current threat of getting you where it hurts.  Use the court system in your favor here, file a petition for divorce and sole physical and legal custody of your daughter, his previous record is going to speak for itself, and keep a very detailed record of these threats.  Having them emailed or texted is easy, if he says them to your face or over the phone, invest in a digital recorder.  You must have record of it to be taken seriously.

As far as moving on, you are young, you have one child and there are many good people out there that will love you both without hurt, drama and walking out.  You have to heal from this first, ask yourself if this is the life you want, if its not, then change it.  He is not going to change for anyone.  He has proven who he is, you have to accept what he is telling you and the truth of it is that he doesn't value you (or himself or your child) and he shows you through his actions.

Develop a relationship with yourself, now is a great time to define who you are and work on yourself when there is nobody holding you back or bringing you down.  Once you value and love yourself, his actions toward you will be very clear.  They sting a little until you really understand that love is not in what people say, it is in what they do and how they treat you.  From there, you will pay closer attention to how people treat you and land someone that treats you well, treats your child well and you can be happy.


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