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Single mom struggling and needs advice, please read.

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I am writing today because i am lost. I dont even know where to begin. I guess ill start with i am the mother of a 7 month old little girl. I am raising her all on my own. I am 23 years old. I got married when i turned 18. My ex and i have been seperated for a year but we are still legally married. My ex was always in and out..each day you never knew what was going to happen. He hide alot from me during our marriage. He was addicted to cocaine, went awol from the military, spent time in jail for civilian Felony charges and spent time in prison for dessertion. After all of the lies and cheating i thought he had turned his life around..he promised he was off of drugs, he learned his lessons, he was a little older, he opened his own business. I thought everything was turning out the way id always hoped. I loved this man, so very much. I still do. But this man has hurt me in every single way possible..i never knew a person could feel such pain. My heart literlly aches. He left again a week before i found out i was pregnant. Took everything out of no where one day while i was out with my sister. During this past year he had been with many woman, calls me once in a while and has seen the baby 3 times. In the back of my head i thought he would come back and be the changed man i loved. But i am a fool for even wanting him, HOW COULD I WANT him? How can i love a man who abandoned me and my child. We tooks vows and promised eachother till death do us part. It wasnt always bad between us, we were once so in love and so happy. But the drugs and the cheating tore of apart..and how can you go back after all i am here raising my daughter alone. He recently has asked to take the baby alone and i wont allow it..he can come here to see her but i dont trust him with his record\history. His mother took my to court and i allowed her 1 day a month as long as the my ex wasnt present. She was granted 1 day a month for 3 hours and we go back in 1 month to determine longer hours and my ex is not to be there. He is now so angry with me, i have never seen him this angry and mad, He told me he was going to get me where it hurts and to wait and see..2 weeks later he is now 'in a relationship' with my ex friend of 15 years. When will the hurt stop? When will i not care? Why cant i get over this guy? What do i do about my daughter? How can i cut my ties if we have a child? My life is wonderful and the only thing holding heavy on my heart and chest is him. I cant keep hiding my feelings and i want to be healhty again and happy. I love my daughter and she brings me more joy then ive ever known. My family and i are very close but underneath it all i am so scared and hurt by this man. How can i still love him and how can i stop him from hurting me. Everything ive ever wanted with him i know i will never have. The family i dreamed of is torn apart. I dont even think he loves me anymore or if he ever did. I am sick of this war. And now i am dealing with court. I feel alone, stressed and lost. Advice?

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 7:28 AM
Replies (31-40):
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 4:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I went through/still going through something similar.  married at 20, daughter at 18, been with him since i was 16. I'm still technically married cuz i can't afford the lawyer fees for divorce but we've been seperated for bout 5 years now,  he's currently in jail on second felony charge looking at up to 4 1/2 years.  I'm happily in a relationship with one baby and one on the way with my 11 year old daughter.  I'm going to be honest and tell you i don't think you'll ever be "over" hiim.  You'll move on, you won't be "in love" but he's your daughters father and he always will be.  It's more so that he will always be able to hurt you by dissapoiinting you or whatever.   It hurts you for your kids.  I've had to hold my daughter while she's crying, devistated that daddy isn't picking her up like he promised on numerous occasioins among other things.  I always expect him to figure it out and hope he won't dissapoint again but he does and it kills me.  I still take her to his fathers (her grandfather) whenever they want her or she wants to be there so i cut ties with her dad in the sense that i stopped listening to his  bullshit and his excuses and started focusing on making sure my daughter was taken care of and i was being the best mom i knew how to be.  It def takes time.  Don't go back becuase you miss him sometimes or you feel lonely.  I don't have girlfriends really so i just got back to my family and started going to church again.  It's a struggle to do it alone and not having her father there will make harder for you and for her.  when our kids get angry they take it out on us and they will.  i will not talk bad about her dad to her so when she's older she'll realize who was there and who left.  when she is mad at me for leaving her dad i am honest with her.  i tell her we fought and i wouldn't be happy and she wouldn't be happy.  or whatever and i don't stop her from calling him or him calling her and over the last couple of years he calls less and less and shes starting to realize who he is.  anyway, just be strong for yourself and for her.  message me or whatever if you ever want to talk about it.  being a single mom can be a lonely place to be sometimes but you need to be okay with being a mom.  it took me way to long to be okay with dorking it out at home with my kids instead of being out.  they do get older and you get freedom again.  hope things get better.                          PS i never did the court thing for custody cuz he never fought me for her, i did take him for child support and for a while he paid but he now owes me 5000 or so and the courts keep taking him for non payment but he's sitting in jail so i don't know whats gonna happen with that now. 

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 4:30 PM
1 mom liked this

Buy a gun and learn how to use it. He has flat out told you he was going to hurt you. You can take that how you want I'd assume he was  going to do something to me or my child. You're not going to be able to out run him or fight him off. Get ready, and prepare yourself for the very real possibility you might have to defend yourself or your child. Drugs can make even the nicest people do the most horriffic things. This not the man you love, this is not the man you miss. This is a man that threatened your safety. Remember that and treat him as such. 

On a quick google search you will get more results that you can read of ex husbands doing terrible things. Killing their kids, ex wife's, even during supervised visitation. Protect yourself. 

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 4:41 PM
1 mom liked this

I want you to know how admirable it is that you are so open about this. Many women who have been in your situation are so humiliated or ashamed by what happened that they don't talk about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of though. You are capable of so much in life and he's dead-ended. If he's clean he's probably realized that you're too good for him and that's why he wants to "get you where it hurts." The love is there, it sounds like he was your first love and that's a hard one to let go of.  Just keep reminding yourself that he isn't good enough for you OR your daughter and that's reason enough to just keep on going the way you have been. You're smart to not allow him to take your daughter.

Have you looked into a parenting group in your area? Sometimes you can find the strongest friendships in people fighting the same battles you are. Good luck, hon.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:19 PM
1 mom liked this

sorry to hear you are going through something like this. i would do what is best for you and your child. you both dont need him in and out or doing illegal things around you child. you will get through it. it is just hard right now. praying for you and your family.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:57 PM
1 mom liked this

*hugs* I am sorry you have to go through all of that heart ache... You need to take him to court for Full costudy/get your divorce and never look back. He will Never change and the mother in law getting to see the baby is just bs too she has No rights to the child leave her out too. If you like her go see her when You want to. Don't let her Force you into that. You need to hel and seeing either of them will not help. Go get your life together and stay Far away from that emotional roller coaster. For you and for your daughter.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:58 PM
1 mom liked this
Oh my goodness this sounds like my life! I too had my son at 23 years (not married) and I went through a lot!!! Fast forward 13 years... Married great husband two new babies a d a decent respectable relationship with my child's father! Trust me I get it I was with him for several years and had a hard time cutting if off but I had to move on for my son! I got a better paying job, purchased a house then focused on bettering my situation for my son and I which included finishing school then completing two graduate degrees! First you are human and love diesnt just vanish!! Second we women love "love" but we must love ourselves and if that's not enough love our kids enough to be our driving force including setting standards and expectations of Anton's we bring into "our lives!" If you ever need to chat feel free to reach out to me!
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:58 PM
1 mom liked this

My heart goes out to you, I am a single mother also of two girls 22 and 24 and a 7 yo granddaughter. My ex was always a mess after we set the wedding date and I thought it was just nerves, I should have backed out then. Anyway, after knowing him to years and engaged for a 9 months we married, he was awful and refused to do anything for two years, even refusing at times to work, then I got pregnant and he started to beat the crab out of me. I made him go to counseling at the VA, they said PTSD (what a crock of shit that is, a girl gets raped by her father every day from 5 to 15 she is expected to pick up the pieces and get on with her life, a guy goes to war and sees I'll admit some gruesome things and he gets a $3,000 a month reward as long as he keeps acting sick). The va kept telling me it was not in his nature to beat me just let him try another medication, or another therapist. After 16 months, I called it quits, we found out one day my dd had cerebral palsy, the next day I found out I was pregnant and the next day the counselor told me I needed to treat him better, so I kicked his ass out. For years he fought me on everything, I gave him the house, I gave him everything except my clothes and the baby furniture. I gave him his wish and did not ask for a divorse right away. I let him have the children at time, he let my 2 year old with braces on her legs and barely walking walk into the ocean without standing by her side. He left my infant baby in the car while he ran in for cigarettes. Va continued to stand by him and report to the courts that he was fine, although gave gave him a ranking of 100% disabled from PTSD. At five and three he left both kids on the beach and went in to take a 3 hour nap. That was it for me, I filed for full custody and finally got a judge to grant it. I told the judge I would agree to visits but supervised when I thought appropreately and that was agreed. I let hi see the kids again at age 11 and 13, he beat me up again during those years and I again took away his rights to see them at 13 and 15. Over the years he has done everything to hurt me, he refused to pay child support for many years because he knew it hurt me. He refused to ever send Christmas gifts or birthday gifts to his kids because he wanted to hurt me. About three years ago we started to get along okay and now that the kids are older he is finally in there lives as a good role model. 

Point is, there is really no good answer to what you should do or don't do. Once you have a child you are bonded by that child for at least 18 years if not more. For us we finally have a good ending but it did take me moving 3,000 miles away and then him following me years later, it took 20 years of fighting before he let it go and put his kids first. 

My only real response is if you do not want the mother in law in your life because I would have hated mine in my life move to a state that grandparents have no rights. My MIL never would have had my children for three hours and not let her son see them, even with a court order but that was her, she was a real bitch and he was a mamas boy.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:12 PM
1 mom liked this

If he really wants to change his drug habit, he will do it.  He has not hit rock bottom yet.  Once a cheater always a cheater.  I would not trust him as far as I could throw him.  I would keep a record of everything his mom does and especially for  ex-husband.  I would get his rights taken away from him.  He does not be taking care of a baby that is only 7 months.  I would disappear after the court date and leave the area if you can.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:22 PM
1 mom liked this

First, your child is lovely and you both look so good together.

I wonder if you aren't in denial.  You say you were once happy together but I wonder if you just closed your eyes to the bad.  A man who takes drugs, enters the military and skips out on them, knowing there is a penalty, and then robs or whatever he did, doesn't sound ike he has been a good guy in a long time.  You should have left him before now.  You need this man out of your life.  Now he hs theatened you.  He will hurt you, he said, right where it will hurt the most.  If you have anyone who heard that, you need to have them tell this same story and get a restraining order against him to stay away from you and your daughter.  Have you gone by to see if he is at his mother's house when your daughter is there?  any moms will feel sorry for their son, and the lack of enforcing responsibility could be one reason he is as he is. So she may allow him to come there to see her and could let him have her.  I don't want o scare you but there are kidnappings and murders in retaliation.  I think you need to stay away from him as much as you can.  If he has court ordered visitation, then someone from /Children's services should probably be there.  Why haven't you sued for divorce?  You don't say you are divorced yet.  Does he pay his child support?  If you are independent, perhaps you need to offer him a way to give up all rights to her by signing it away and he no longer owes support.  However, the courts sometimes don't do that unless there is another parent in the picture.  Are you cloe to his mother?  Do you trust her?

If  you had any joint accounts close them out and put the money in an account at a different bank in only your name.  you do not want him taking your money.  I am unsure what you said about him taking things.  Did he take his things or empty out your home?  Is he on the lease where you live?  If so, talk to the landlord and tell him you are getting a divorce and you want to do a new lease and he is not permitted to have access.  See if he will change the locks on the doors o you get a new lock set for each door and have them keyed alike and take out the old locks and you can hold them there or return them to the landlord.  You may need to give thelandlord a key for emergencies but let him know that your ex has no permission to enter your premises for any purpose.  A man on drugs doesn't love you or anyone else.  He is selfish and only sees his wants and his needs.  When you go back to court trell the judge of the threat to you and your daughter as his threat could be about your daughter if he wants to hurt you. 

It may not be easy to get overhim but you can.  You are missng the man you wished you hand and wanted him to be, not the man he is.  You are right, you are never going to have a good relationship with him.  The court can be a protector for you.  Stay cool in court and don't get mad.  Look at the judge and tell him what he has done (not about the women) and that he isn't reliable. You could try to keep a good relationship with your former MIL, the daughter's grandmother.  I know we stay in touch with my husband's children and grandchildren, even if they don't see them.  Some states don't give visitation to  grandparents unless the parent agrees.  You did agree.  Your friend or ex-friend is stupid.  If she has seen how he is then she is putting herself in a mess.  That is her mistake. Yours is feeling bad about it. You need to wash him out of your life.  You have supportive parents.  You probably have friends.  Do you go to church and take your daughter?  You would have friends there and might meet someone really nice.  Is your daughter happy when she comes back from seeing grandma?  God is with you as well. You might want to try to go back to school so you can better look after your child.  your mothr and ex-MIL might be able to help sit for you to allow you to go.  If you need his support then have the support check come through the court system so you can prove whether or not you got it.  Did you ask fo any alimony to get you through school?  He probably isn't working and probably livesoff his mother or some other woman.  Good luck to you.  Yu are already healing by looking at what he isn't ad probably never will be.  I think he probably wasn't as you saw him either as he hid it  from you and you didn't want to see it.  Protect yourself and your baby.  Make a will and state your wanted guardian for th child. 


by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:34 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm very sorry. 

I don't have time to write much, but please find a locall Dvorce Care group - - so you can find supportive friends.

Also join a church and maybe find a MOPS group ((HUGS))

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