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Single mom struggling and needs advice, please read.

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I am writing today because i am lost. I dont even know where to begin. I guess ill start with i am the mother of a 7 month old little girl. I am raising her all on my own. I am 23 years old. I got married when i turned 18. My ex and i have been seperated for a year but we are still legally married. My ex was always in and out..each day you never knew what was going to happen. He hide alot from me during our marriage. He was addicted to cocaine, went awol from the military, spent time in jail for civilian Felony charges and spent time in prison for dessertion. After all of the lies and cheating i thought he had turned his life around..he promised he was off of drugs, he learned his lessons, he was a little older, he opened his own business. I thought everything was turning out the way id always hoped. I loved this man, so very much. I still do. But this man has hurt me in every single way possible..i never knew a person could feel such pain. My heart literlly aches. He left again a week before i found out i was pregnant. Took everything out of no where one day while i was out with my sister. During this past year he had been with many woman, calls me once in a while and has seen the baby 3 times. In the back of my head i thought he would come back and be the changed man i loved. But i am a fool for even wanting him, HOW COULD I WANT him? How can i love a man who abandoned me and my child. We tooks vows and promised eachother till death do us part. It wasnt always bad between us, we were once so in love and so happy. But the drugs and the cheating tore of apart..and how can you go back after all i am here raising my daughter alone. He recently has asked to take the baby alone and i wont allow it..he can come here to see her but i dont trust him with his record\history. His mother took my to court and i allowed her 1 day a month as long as the my ex wasnt present. She was granted 1 day a month for 3 hours and we go back in 1 month to determine longer hours and my ex is not to be there. He is now so angry with me, i have never seen him this angry and mad, He told me he was going to get me where it hurts and to wait and see..2 weeks later he is now 'in a relationship' with my ex friend of 15 years. When will the hurt stop? When will i not care? Why cant i get over this guy? What do i do about my daughter? How can i cut my ties if we have a child? My life is wonderful and the only thing holding heavy on my heart and chest is him. I cant keep hiding my feelings and i want to be healhty again and happy. I love my daughter and she brings me more joy then ive ever known. My family and i are very close but underneath it all i am so scared and hurt by this man. How can i still love him and how can i stop him from hurting me. Everything ive ever wanted with him i know i will never have. The family i dreamed of is torn apart. I dont even think he loves me anymore or if he ever did. I am sick of this war. And now i am dealing with court. I feel alone, stressed and lost. Advice?

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 7:28 AM
Replies (41-50):
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:40 PM
1 mom liked this

 I'm sorry you are going through this. I have an 8 month old son that I am raising alone. It's hard, but it's worth it to not have to deal with all the other crap that I would have to deal with otherwise.
I would advise you to continue doing what you are doing. Keep the arrangments you have made with his mother. And try to move on. I know it's hard. Getting out of any relationship is hard, but if he can't be commited to you, that baby, and your family, then there isn't much you can do. He has to want to help himself before you can help him.
Regardless of whether or not you think he would harm your baby because of his lifestyle, I would never put my child in the situation where something could go wrong, either because of him, or because of the people he associates himself with. If he wants to see that baby, he should have to come to you.
I hope things get better for you, and I hope you can move on with your life, and have a fresh start for you and your little girl.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:56 PM
1 mom liked this
I've heard that grandparents (under normal circumstances) have no visitation "rights" to children. I would fight hard if my exes mother tried to take ME to court. To me I am the gatekeeper to my kids! As far as your mother in law goes, I wouldn't trust her at all. She is HIS mother so in the end she will be loyal to HIM. Given his track record he shouldn't be allowed near your kid.
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by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 8:20 PM
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Have you turned your problems up to god? If you start studying the bible and prey to god have a strong conversation with him he knows what you want before you ask he cannot give you everything but he can guide you if you ask for his guidance. Satan is hard at work breaking down marriages because when people are together and in love they are strong be separate and keeping people separate is his plan because we are easier to manipulate alone because we are vulnerable and and weak. This man is clearly not in love with you he is selfish and self serving. Your vows have already been broken by his fornication and the way he's been treating you. Your best bet is to be strong for you and your kid and to lean on family and god to help you through. You have to believe in yourself love your self enough to say enough is enough. You have us here that you can speak your mind to. I know you are strong do not let this man walk all over you. Find someone better suited and one your kid can look up to. Your baby is counting on you to make the right choices. Think if your kid was going through the same thing what would you tell them and what would you want for them to do. Why do you let your self be drug around by him. If he comes back he will walk all over you because he knows you will never leave. Sometimes guys are just selfish.
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by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 8:27 PM
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Listen carefully, I have been there. Go to the library and get out a book called "The Sociopath Next Door." It will help you to understand and recognize who your husband is and why he is that way. It is a long road but you can feel good again. You will never be that innocent girl again but you can be a savy woman who has self respect and most importantly you can teach your daughter how to love herself enough to NEVER love a man that hurts her.

You can do this, a man like your's doesn't know what love is and never will. Let him go, read the book.

Good luck to you sweetie, you have your whole life in front of you. You will be in my thoughts and I will send you strenght. Don't wait until your are in your forties to learn this lesson...that is how long it took me.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:09 PM
1 mom liked this

Hey I'm so sorry you are going thru ths. And I can agreeon why you dont want him around the baby. When someone is on drugs you just don't know what they are capable of. I have been there. So I know it can be scary. He may love his daughter but doesn't mean he can care for her. That's what I think... And BMW, you are both beautiful! And I hope you find the courage to move on and be at peace with all this. If you need to talk I'm here. Please feel free to inbox. And btw... I thought mine would change as far as the using. Every time is the oh I will make up a plan this won happen again I'm sorry etc etc. I'm am fed up but it's still hard to let go... 

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Sending Prayers and love your way. You are a Mommy now so you can do anything you put your mind to.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:10 PM
1 mom liked this
First off, you can't help who you love.

Second, I think you are more in love with the idea of him and the hopes you had for your family, than the man he has shown himself to be.

Third and most important in my eyes. If you aren't seeing a counselor or therapist, please find one. I think it could help you tremendously!!!

You sound like a very strong woman and mother!! Know that your daughter does appreciate you and all you do for her!! *hugs, love and wishes for healing!!!*
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:26 PM
1 mom liked this
He is not the man you thought he was, you are in love with what he presented to you. You need to realize that person does not exist and move on with your heart and do not allow yourself to give your emotions to him any longer. You are much stronger than you think, tell yourself that too.
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:34 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm so sorry about all the hurt. It will get better. Here are some things you can do to protect yourself and your daughter.

1. Find a lawyer if you haven't already

2. Have the laywer help you file for a restraining order and child support. Also get an official custody agreement drawn up in writing. Definitely use the drug use, threats, etc to make a case for only supervised visitation.

3. If he ever does threaten you again call the police immediately and file a report. Same goes if he starts stalking you, won't leave when asked, etc. 

4. Document EVERYTHING. Save and print out any texts/emails from him. Keep a notebook and make notes around every interaction, especially threats, drug use, and other incriminating details. Make notes of any agreements the two of you make. Date and time every entry. If he is late or doesn't show for his visitation record it. If he breaks any agreement you had record that too. If you do wind up in a custody battle then keeping good records can really help your case.

5. Even if he does gain joint custody he will most likely lose interest once the dust has settled and start to slack off on visitation and parental responsibilities. Keep taking meticulous records so that you can use them to get sole custody.

Good luck!

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:47 PM
2 moms liked this

This!!  I am such a proponant of one standing in front of a mirror and reafirming their life.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful, that you have a beautiful baby girl, and you and she both deserve to have a healthy happy life.   Do this everyday....and anytime you are feeling down and out.   I think my FIL says it best....he says "Life and death are in the power of the tongue, speak now and choose life!"    Take things one step at a time...also please, please. please do as another poster suggested, and get your divorce, custody, and support papers filed as soon as you possibly can...don't let him or his mother beat you to the punch on that one.

Good luck to you, lots of hugs and warm wishes headed your way!

Quoting PNK2012:

 First of all hugs to you and the baby second you and the baby are beautiful and deserve better. I want you to take a look in the mirror and say I deserve better and when you feel down and out and cant make sense you look over to your daughter and say she deserves better too. Our children is to be our light when its dark to put a smile on our face when we are sad to give the tiny hugs around your neck when you need that comfort.  Its time you stand your ground and take back your life file for divorce get full custody (you have a good case) start making decisions on your terms only because at the end of the day you and your daughter will be affected. Start the healing process.

I am going through exactly the same thing with my daughters father i was with him for 4 years we were to get married and raise a family and he lied and cheated on me. I am in the process of healing and learning to let go and still have to deal with him. I get a break though he is lives outside the US so I only have to deal with him via phone. I will be taking  my children next year so they can see there dads both dads are in the same place. I now have a better relationship with my seconds sons dad. I want nothing to do with my daughters dad and I pray every day for my broken heart to heal as I will for yours too.

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