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Fast then furious: To file or not to file

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 5:53 PM
  • 11 Replies

Hello!

Soooo .. . . I was in a relationship that, although it was brief, I thought was *the one*. He talked about marrying me. He swept me off my feet  . . . and then . . .  we found out I was pregnant after being together for only three months. It sounds naive now, I guess, but I truly was in love. He was supportive for about a week, and then he began pressuring me to have an abortion. I refused (we'd discussed my stance on the issue in one of our first dates), repeatedly. So, he broke up with me, saying that he was embarrassed of me and that I was the biggest mistake of life, and that we had created an even bigger mistake . . . That was in February, the last time I heard from him (he broke up over email).

I gave birth to my beautiful LO in September. I hadn't heard from him at all until the beginning of December, when, out of the blue, he emailed. He said that he felt that he should help with medical bills, and that he also felt that he should provide $300 a month for care (although he said he would be taking it out of his teenage kids' mouths). He never once mentioned "baby" in his letter, or his interest in visitation, and in fact said that he still didn't want anyone to know. I haven't replied because of my confusion.

I hadn't filed for support because my family scared me into thinking that he would try to take my LO from me if I requested support .. . but now that he's reached out? I don't know what to do. I do know that $300 doesn't even cover a month of health insurance ($465), and that he is a CFO of a successful company, making at least $100,000 a year. 

I hate to make it sound so material and like a business exchange, but what should I do? Should I file for support? Should I let him know that I'm doing so first? I'm having an impossible time making ends meet.  I don't think it's wise to do this "under the table" money stuff, but I don't want him to seek visitation purely out of a retaliatory stance. I actually think it would be positive to have a father figure in my baby's life, even if it makes my stomach hurt, but I want him to do it for the right reasons, and not because he's angry that he has to pay child support.

Any advice is welcomed/appreciated.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 5:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Robsessed98
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:36 PM
I think you should file for custody and support. He doesnt have to take his visitation, but he will at least have to pay the support. If you do it the way hes proposing, he could change or stop it whenever he wanted. Make it legal.
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PinkButterfly66
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:48 PM

Yes file for support, and file for sole custody too.  You want to protect yourself and your baby.  Good luck.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:55 PM

 yes you should file.

and should he want to see the kid, its not a bad thing. a kid needs a father if one is available. make that legal too if he wants it. he wont be able to take your kid unless you are unfit.

opal10161973
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:05 PM

It sounds to me like he wants it under the table for a few reasons and one of them may be that he is married and doesn't want her to know about you.  Also, that the amount may be one that he could reasonably take out of his accounts without her noticing it or questioning it.  Just wondering it in my head.  Many successful people do things like this and there is usually many more reasons than you realise.  You were only dating a few months, so it's possible you would not have found out. 

Also, if he is making that much, you will get a lot more than a measly $300/month.  That's just insanely low for his income level.  Unless he has a bunch of other kids, I am not seeing how you could possibly get less than that.  Have you checked a CS calculator for what you should be getting? 

PumpkinSpice8
by Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 8:11 PM
You have another option which is writing up your own court order and submitting it to the courts and they will have a judge sign it. You would need both yours and the dads signature on it. But if you can both agree to who has custody and how much he will pay in CS then you will save a lot of money and stress doing it yourselves. However, as another mom said, if you choose to file for CS you will probably get a lot more than $300. Another thing you can do is check out an online CS calculator and show the birthdad what it says and ask for that amount. Your DD deserves the best lifestyle she can have and if her dad makes good money than she should be doing well too. How good are his other kids living? Doesn't your DD deserve the same as them.
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PumpkinSpice8
by Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 8:17 PM
Btw, if BD makes a $100,000+ a year, there is very little chance you will be awarded less than $1000 a month (unless he has 10 other kids roaming the planet Hes paying on).
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princess_rosie
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 3:48 PM

Thank you for all the advice. I'm going to send a message today letting him know of my intention to file for support. I'll keep everyone updated.

EachNewBreath
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 6:06 PM

I write to him asking for more but take what he gives you. You could always just threaten to file and that might scare him in to a more fair amount. 

For me I would never want my son to see his father (until his father gets help) but my ex husband is violent.  If I could completly do it over again I would never have told him about my pregnancy and just broken up with him. No amount of money is worth our saftey. 

If saftey is not a concern then maybe just filing could be better although it might be a lot more of a headache. You would get back pay and also you would get a better deal. IDK  lots of factors. 

mammakatey
by on Dec. 13, 2012 at 9:45 PM

Okay I filed for Child support First...it took him 3 months after to fight for Custody. I dont know what state you are in. but my state you can file for child support and just say you ae the Primary care giver, and custody wont start, becasue someone has to file for custody first. So what I would do if I was you, if you dotn want to have to deal with custody right now and not having your child all the time, just file for Child Support First. and you should get alot of Money. My EX only makes $12.66 an hour and he has to pay me $585.00 in child support and $91 cash for medical expensives.

PumpkinSpice8
by Member on Dec. 13, 2012 at 9:54 PM
Wow. You get a lot of support! My ex makes a little more than that and I only get $300! However, I got my papers for a review a few months back and I know that I would get more support since he's had some income gain, but I denied the review. Last time I asked for CS he filed for custody and harassed my family. It's just not worth the stress.


Quoting mammakatey:

Okay I filed for Child support First...it took him 3 months after to fight for Custody. I dont know what state you are in. but my state you can file for child support and just say you ae the Primary care giver, and custody wont start, becasue someone has to file for custody first. So what I would do if I was you, if you dotn want to have to deal with custody right now and not having your child all the time, just file for Child Support First. and you should get alot of Money. My EX only makes $12.66 an hour and he has to pay me $585.00 in child support and $91 cash for medical expensives.


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