Going through a Divorce! I feel like I wasted last 6 Years!
I tried to post this yesterday...But some reason it didnt post! so here it goes again... Im in the middle of going through a divorce...I have my days up and downs...is it normal to feel this way?! I feel like im just stuck in the town...I just want to move away... I think if I got a fresh new start it would help me heal better... Here is my story if anyone has time to read it. I need advice :(
Okay here goes. I have two children. One is 5 and my other child is 6 months old, they are with the same guy, (some of you may know him.) who I am still married too. We have been together for 6 years total, and we have been married for a year now. Basically since the beginning of our relationship he has had a "cheating problem" and has been verbally abuse to me, and than turned into physical abuse. At first like many relationships are, we were perfect, but it later turned to him just basically treating me like complete SHIT after I got pregnant with our first child. After our son was born it got even worse. Not to be gross, but the only people reading this are my family and the people that said they would give me advice and I trust. So please dont repeat any of this. Becuase this blog is customized for only certain people. But he didnt like to have sex with me after we had our son. He said that it “felt different” and it wasn’t as “tight” down there. I still remember even though it was so long ago. I was basically didnt care I mean I just had a baby, and once a Mother has a baby as some people that are moms know. There baby becomes their love. So it was basically like okay I dont really care... So after that happend he started going out alot, almost every night, than he worked the night shifts. Than he was drinking all the time and experimenting with drugs. But I still stayed... Than in June 2007 Are child is 5 now, and when our child was 10 months old. I walked in found some girl sandals in our doorway that were not mine. I walked into the bedroom, and there was a naked girl in our bed! He had left her there; my husband was not there thank god. And she was like I have heard all about you. You are crazy etc etc. It was by far one of the most devasting moments of my life. So after that I moved out in with my parents for 6 months...and advice I should have taken then was someone told me "To leave and never look back" but i didn’t. I left. And I was the one that basically tried to make it work. Tried to get back together. He was still "seeing" that girl basically that whole time we were separated. And then when I would come back to visit him I looked through his phone, and there was 2 other girls that he was talking too, and he was lying saying that I was completely out of the picture, and that he has custody of his son, that he is the one that takes care of him. Just all these lies!!! But then I still wanted him back and than we did... 6 months later I moved back in with him. "Thinking he would change." So I moved back in with him in December 2008. By February 2009 I found out he was talking to yet another girl. Talking sexual with her, and saying the same exact things that I was out of the picture. I got really upset confronted him. He of course tried to deny it then would turn it around on me always like why you looking through my phone are you jealous you’re so insecure about yourself, and telling me to grow up?! So than he left for Basic training in March of 2009 and to be honest it was like this sigh of relief. I was like okay I don’t have to worry about him being with girls. By than this was the 3 or 4 girl that he was cheating on me with. So while he was gone. I did something I should not have done. I cheated on him with one of his friends...I know it was a bad thing to do...But his friend told me you don’t know him. He lies to you; he talks to girls all the time. He was cheating on you with girls. He is a POS. he doesn’t deserve you. And yeah I cheated on him. I guess kind of to get revenge. But it was a one night stand thing. it was nothing else. It wasn’t like a relationship like he had with all the other girls. So he got back from Basic Training 5 months later. And I told him, and he found out and he was really mad...and I was like look you have cheated on me 4 times! So we ended up staying together, and I was like look it was a mistake I love you. It’s the only time I have cheated on you never again have I. And I know he believed me...Because that is not in my nature too. And he knows that all I basically did was stay home and take care of our son Jackson. And that I am not a Cheater.
· So Than...a couple months went by and I thought everything was fine again. Well I was wrong. ... Me and him got free tickets to the movie theater for Christmas he asked me where they were because he wanted to go to the movies with his guy friend I gave them to him. I Find out he took some girl to the Movies named “Emily” NOT ME. While I stayed home watching our son. I didn’t find this out though until 4 months later. Than in May of that year. I noticed he was acting weird once again. So yes I looked through his phone while he was sleeping and I found out he was talking to yet another girl. I texted this girl and said um do you know that I live with him and we have a child together. She was in shock and said what I didn’t know this. He told me you two were roommates and that you were a couple but he was afraid you would take your son away from him. So that is the only reason why he is staying with you. her name was "Rachael" and yes they were sleeping with eachother also. Find out in our family car...I than found in his phone a "Chelsea" and a Emily. Found out the Emily was the girl he took out to the movies in the winter time. And Chelsea was this random girl I sent her a text saying who are you? And she said that all she wants is her money back and she told me they had been "seeing" each other since October 2009 it was now May of 2010. it was 7 months later... I than went back home, and there was a note on his car saying " Call me we need to talk your Girlfriend called me then it was signed – Chelsea. So Of course I was mad...VERY MAD...but of course he begged for me back and said he liked the attention that it was fun, and that it was stupid etc etc. So than 2 months after that July 2010- he had to go over-seas for the ARMY. And he said lets be a family again etc etc. And believe it or not I was actually happy that he was going. I didn’t have to worry about all the cheating, the abuse and the lies for once. It was actually very nice. So while he was over there are relationship did get stronger I think he realized like I was the only one that he could count on. And I was the mother of his child. And he would write to me and say I’m so sorry for everything I have put you through he would say I am a changed man. He then came back home in January of 2011 for a two week break from over-seas while he was home he kept hanging out with this one girl we had mutual friends. I believe her name was Stacey. She would always write on his face book wall etc etc. I was like what the heck who this is. There was even some nights during the two week break that he didn’t come home. So here we were same cycle once again... and he did say he stayed with her. But I couldn’t prove anything but who really know you know. So after he returned back to Afghanistan I had, had enough. I told him hey look we have been together for 5 years now we either get married or I’m done emotionally and never looking back. With this relationship. And he said. Okay let’s get married when I get back home. I was like what really? And he said yes let’s do it in October right away...I was like umm... okay? So we did. He came back a year later, August 2011 and right before we got married I saw that he was texting all the time. I found out it was a girl in the Army that he was with. He was def. flirting with her, and I found out that they both liked each other. Both were in the same platoon and hung out all the time while he was in the Army. I confronted him and of course he denied even though I saw the texts and saw on FB that he had her blocked from seeing any pictures of me, had her blocked from seeing he was even engaged. So we got married anyway I was still thinking maybe after he was married he would change? Yeah I was wrong. We got married in October 2011, the same month surprise I was pregnant again. And he was not even happy I was pregnant! He then would go out all the times to the bar, and talk about the female bartenders...I thought well we are married now he won’t cheat he is committed to me. I than noticed on our HONEYMOON he was talking to this “Bartender” I said who is that? And he said oh its a Bartender and I said what the heck. You’re on your honeymoon stop texting her and he was like oh stop were just friends what are you jealous. Yes crazy I know. He would go out all the time, He would not get home till sometimes the next mornings. Never wanted to spend time as a family. Never helped me with our son it was basically like I was a single mom! This is when he started getting not just verbally abuse but physicaly abuse and I wont go into detail otherwise this thing would serioulsy be a book. And I have not got into detail really about any of the abuse, just the cheating. But all of our rental places were ruined with holes in our walls, our son’s walls. Windows broken. And when I was pregnant He went pyscho saying he hates me why did we get married. He pointed a gun at himself and me. Just psycho stuff. I mean I would go to bed just crying my eyes out, and he would say why you are crying. It was just stupid. Well in March of 2012. It was St. Patty’s Day and I went out with him to the Parade his younger brother went. And for some reason he didn’t want me in the Parade he told me No. And was calling me all these names. Him and his brother got in a fight because his brother who is 18. Said stop treating Katey like that. So he said just go somewhere with katey get her out of here. And his brother I will never forget took me somewhere here I was huge and pregnant and he said I’m so sorry Katey, I don’t know why my brother treats you like this. He said it makes him sick and he was like I dont know why you put up with it. And I said I don’t know either.... That night I went into pre-term labor I called him. He said I was making a big deal about it he was not coming even though they had to give me a shot to stop labor. I later found out that night, and why he didn’t want me in the parade. There were 3 different girls he was talking too. Trying to hook up with at least one of them. He got a hold of one of them and spent the night at her place. So I left for Texas in April 2012 for awhile i was like look me and Jackson are going to Texas, and if you don’t shapen up I’m done after our baby is born. I’m seriously going to leave you i can’t deal with this anymore this isn’t fair i don’t want our children growing up thinking this is normal. His response was that was a nagging wife. That a ton of wives would not think it’s a big deal that their husbands go to the bars. And he said he could have friends that were girls. And that I was just jealous. Just his thinking was just crazy...I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I wanted the old person back I fell in love with! Ugh so I went to Texas and when I got back home. Well when I was 7 months pregnant I came home found condom wrappers on our bed...yes for real. He told me he "jacked off to them. Of course I was skeptical but I believed him.. He then said he can’t stand me when Im pregnant, and that he wanted this break until the baby was born. I was like um what? He said our relationship was toxic, So he then started sleeping in the basement. And he was like you are right we should separate for awhile. He was like to be honest I can’t stand to be a “family man” I don’t like it. Its boring. I need exicment in my life. He was like I have all this pressure from my parents. Because his parents saw how he treated me and would always tell him to knock it off don’t treat your wife like that. And of course he would get mad at his mom and dad. I was in shock and devasted. I was 7months pregnant and he was sayign this to me. He then said there is no other girl I swear. But I knew in the back of my head that there was...So than I left for another trip a month later for the weekend I came back our family picture was off the wall and hidden. So than a month before my due date I looked through his phone I found he was talking to one of the bartenders. Saying he loved her to him,. he was going to leave me once the baby came. I was soo pissed I called her yelling at her she was of course a B! Saying I was crazy, no wonder he cheats on you! I told her it wasnt just her he was sleeping with other girls too and she was like I know that. I know which girl came to your house while you were gone. Shes like I dont care. Im like wtf! Who does that?! this entire BS. I also found that he wasn’t just sleeping around with her. It was her, and 3 other GIRLS! So a Total of 4 girls while we were married in a 6 month period! But she was the only girl he was saying "I love you too" and come to find out she had a kid and was engaged to some guy! So than he said they were just friends they were not going to be sexual anymore. I BELEIVED HIM. So than we had our baby two days after we had her and our baby was in the NICU. he told me he needed a break and was going out for a little bit. I left the hospital to get a change of clothes...well I found him in a nearby gas station parking lot with the one bartender!!!! I jumped out of the car and said how dare you. And he said. I choose her. And told me to go home. Of course the next day he told me he was drunk and begged for me back. So I took him back. Well finally a month after that. I found out on face book they were still talking, and was telling people that he was dating this girl now and that me and him were history...So here I am lyddie just got home from the NICU , here he was just a day before saying he wanted to be a family, he wasnt seeing that girl anymore. So he was sleeping I told him "to get out of the “F___ house. He told me no and said you don’t know how Good I got it! I was like wtf? How could I have it??? What are you talking about. And then things got physical while I was holding our 1 month daughter. He than took a gun and made me grab it and said just kill me you know you want too. And he left marks on me I called the cops and he was arrested for domestic Abuse. And A no contact order was placed on him. I was finally done i was like screw you for all you put me through. and I thought okay maybe if I back off and not keep asking him to be a family and he will see what he lost. NOPE! He didnt! Still out all the time, still doing “coke” so now.5 months later. He is living in a basement with that girl (The bartender) and I think he is moving into a place with her. There staying at his friends house who surprise is also going through a divorce. And his other guy friend that just lives there... ugh... Divorce has been filed. He is paying Child Support. And now he thinks he has his life all figured out. He has to pay me child support and we are going through this nasty custody battle. Now all of a sudden he wants to be this dad to our kids when he never was one! So the judge granted him every other weekend... Which he just parades around the kids to his parents house, has them watch them. Or he plays house with this girl with our children. It makes me sooo mad... He did plead guilty for the domestic though. so now last week he came over to get our child and had this chick with him. I was so upset and wouldn’t let my child go with him. And I didnt have to legally let him. Because it wasnt his weekend. Well things got physical once again even though he was just arrested months ago for domestic he put his hands on me again, and called me “cunt” all these names in front of our 5 year old son! So police were called and they wanted to arrest him for Simple assult. And put a warrent out for his arrest. I told the cops no. So now it was just reported to his probation officer but I still can legally press charges if I want. But I dont know if I want to start more drama... So Now. I am still trying to basically start my life over. Its been since July 2012 since He was forced out of the house finally for Domestic Abuse. 5 months. He has already moved on I guess...But than I got to thinking he must of moved on a long time ago. Because I keep hearing all these stories about more girls, and hear more stories how he was just with you because of Jack he was too much of a coward to begin with. So for 6 years my life was basically this big lie. And to be honest it really pisses me off. That , a person could do that to another human being if he hated me that much. Why? Just treat me like complete 6 because he is too much of a coward to get rid of me? I mean who does that...I know he can be a good person under all of it. I know because he is not the person I fell in love with 6 years ago but than again maybe I was just falling in love with a Lie. ... I just want to know did I do the right thing? I know I stayed way longer than I should have... I mean I have counted and there has been a total of 16-17 Girls he has cheated on me with. but i was just always holding on waiting for him to change...but he never did and now he is seeing this bartender and when he does get my kids every other weekend the kids or one of the kids sleep in the basement right beside him and his new girlfriend. It’s so sick. I don’t know if I will ever get over this. I want to for my own sanity though. I think the best thing for me to do is just move away from this place this town. and I am considering moving down to Texas When this gets settlled down and I can acutally talk to him. I can also see his face book because a few years ago I made a face book for our child and they are friends on face book, and I seriously can’t stop myself I go and look at it almost every day, and I see him and this girl have pictures up he has his profile picture as him and her so does she. Everything he is tagged in his from her. It’s like there in high school or something. ugh it just makes me so mad because he never ever put a profile picture of us up of our professional wedding pictures ever! He would always say I dont want people knowing our Business. I know this isn’t healthy is this normal that Im looking at it? Should I delete my son’s page so I am not tempted to Look? I mean every time I look its the same exact thing. And I think he knows that I am looking... Ugh and No I dont wnat him back that isnt the case, I know I dont deserve that, but it just took a long time to walk away. and I just get soo mad at him because he says "Look what all you have done to me" You turned me in etc etc. He doesnt think he has ever done anything wrong! Or its like he is justifing is actions?! I really dont know. I know I know. Its only been 5 months but than again its like why should I even care. and than i have been dating etc. but its like ew I dont even want to date anyone right now! lol. is that normal too?!
Ugh I just wanted to know what you all think! Please help So I can just get my life back and move on