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Very serious situation

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I am a single mom with two daughters, 15 and 12.  My son who is almost 21 also lives with me.  He works and so do i, so the girls are home alone alot during the week and sometimes on the weekend.  I recently found out that my 15 year old may have been sexually assaulted by one of her "friends" while I was at work.  She wont give me details and I suspect alcohol was involved.  This is killing me and breaking my heart.  I dont know what to do.  Pursing the matter may end up causing her more pain, but she needs to deal with this.  i just dont know how to handle.

by on Dec. 16, 2012 at 10:42 PM
Replies (11-18):
EachNewBreath
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:01 AM

ABSOULTLY THIS!!

Quoting steviechick:

Remember it's not your fault.  You said it was an assault.  Why not call the police and report it?  Your DD needs to seek therapy just as soon as can be.  She can't go through this ordeal without seeking professional help.  Has she seen a doctor?  Take her to one ASAP.   SO sorry this has happened.


EachNewBreath
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:03 AM

And I am soo sorry that this happened to your daughter. In addition to all of the really great things that have been said, if you have a church that you go to, I would suggest seeing if they have a group talk there. People she already knows, and in a place she already feels safe, might do her a lot of help

stickyfingers
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:17 AM
where is her father? to be honest i dont think this is your fault at all. girls crave male attention and that can get them into horrible situations...the same thing happened to me when i was a teen. but you need to stop saying things like shes so smart how could this happen...victims dont have to be dumb to be assulted...when you say things like that it puts it on her and no mom, she will not open up to you. she needs to feel you will not judge her and be on her side no matter what.


Quoting GI_Jane230:

She admitted it to her sister and when I confronted her she just began to cry. 


I feel like I failed as a parent.  I thought I did everything right, instilling rules, no boys allowed when I am not home, I talk to them openly about smoking, drugs, alcohol and about sex and protecting your body.  I can't be there all the time.  If I don't work we don't eat.  My daughter is very smart, never gets in trouble, has straight As.  I just don't understand how this could have happened. What did I do wrong?


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
GI_Jane230
by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 8:26 PM


Quoting stickyfingers:

where is her father? to be honest i dont think this is your fault at all. girls crave male attention and that can get them into horrible situations...the same thing happened to me when i was a teen. but you need to stop saying things like shes so smart how could this happen...victims dont have to be dumb to be assulted...when you say things like that it puts it on her and no mom, she will not open up to you. she needs to feel you will not judge her and be on her side no matter what.


Quoting GI_Jane230:

She admitted it to her sister and when I confronted her she just began to cry. 


I feel like I failed as a parent.  I thought I did everything right, instilling rules, no boys allowed when I am not home, I talk to them openly about smoking, drugs, alcohol and about sex and protecting your body.  I can't be there all the time.  If I don't work we don't eat.  My daughter is very smart, never gets in trouble, has straight As.  I just don't understand how this could have happened. What did I do wrong?



GI_Jane230
by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 8:33 PM


Quoting stickyfingers:

where is her father? to be honest i dont think this is your fault at all. girls crave male attention and that can get them into horrible situations...the same thing happened to me when i was a teen. but you need to stop saying things like shes so smart how could this happen...victims dont have to be dumb to be assulted...when you say things like that it puts it on her and no mom, she will not open up to you. she needs to feel you will not judge her and be on her side no matter what.


Quoting GI_Jane230:

She admitted it to her sister and when I confronted her she just began to cry. 


I feel like I failed as a parent.  I thought I did everything right, instilling rules, no boys allowed when I am not home, I talk to them openly about smoking, drugs, alcohol and about sex and protecting your body.  I can't be there all the time.  If I don't work we don't eat.  My daughter is very smart, never gets in trouble, has straight As.  I just don't understand how this could have happened. What did I do wrong?



Her father lives 10 minutes away and has little or no interest in her or her sister.   He is too busy getting drunk with his girlfriend and supporting her two kids. 

I really didnt mean to imply that bad things don't happen to smart people.  I was just saying that because she doesn't get in trouble much, I have always given her a little slack.  There are rules, but I trust her to follow them.  I have to admit (though NOT to her) that I am a little bit angry with her.  She gets upset when I tighten the leash a little bit, but she let boys in the house (against the rules) and drank alcohol (against the rules AND against the law!).  So how can I trust her?  I am not saying it was her fault and I am not judging her.  I am simply saying that she created the opportunity for the boys to take advantage of her by not following the rules.  And no I havent said any of that to her and wont.  I dont want to hurt her more.  It just frustrates me that she could have prevented it by simply following the rules. 

stickyfingers
by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 11:32 PM
i understand what you are saying...our heart aches for them to just listen because we have a reason for he rules...i have a teenager too. i understand mama...i would be pissed that she broke the rules too...but i do believe its her seeking out that male attention she is missing. she wants to feel special and pretty and important to a male. i was like that too. is she in counseling?


Quoting GI_Jane230:



Quoting stickyfingers:

where is her father? to be honest i dont think this is your fault at all. girls crave male attention and that can get them into horrible situations...the same thing happened to me when i was a teen. but you need to stop saying things like shes so smart how could this happen...victims dont have to be dumb to be assulted...when you say things like that it puts it on her and no mom, she will not open up to you. she needs to feel you will not judge her and be on her side no matter what.



Quoting GI_Jane230:


She admitted it to her sister and when I confronted her she just began to cry. 



I feel like I failed as a parent.  I thought I did everything right, instilling rules, no boys allowed when I am not home, I talk to them openly about smoking, drugs, alcohol and about sex and protecting your body.  I can't be there all the time.  If I don't work we don't eat.  My daughter is very smart, never gets in trouble, has straight As.  I just don't understand how this could have happened. What did I do wrong?




Her father lives 10 minutes away and has little or no interest in her or her sister.   He is too busy getting drunk with his girlfriend and supporting her two kids. 


I really didnt mean to imply that bad things don't happen to smart people.  I was just saying that because she doesn't get in trouble much, I have always given her a little slack.  There are rules, but I trust her to follow them.  I have to admit (though NOT to her) that I am a little bit angry with her.  She gets upset when I tighten the leash a little bit, but she let boys in the house (against the rules) and drank alcohol (against the rules AND against the law!).  So how can I trust her?  I am not saying it was her fault and I am not judging her.  I am simply saying that she created the opportunity for the boys to take advantage of her by not following the rules.  And no I havent said any of that to her and wont.  I dont want to hurt her more.  It just frustrates me that she could have prevented it by simply following the rules. 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
GI_Jane230
by on Dec. 26, 2012 at 5:30 PM

I am working on getting her counseling.  I wish her dad was more invovled in her life.  It is hard for the girls to be around him because SHE is always there.  He is entitled to his life, but SHE purposely interferes with the girls relationship with their dad.  Its like she is threatened by them.  And HER two kids live there so my kids dont even have a room or beds. 

Anyway i appreciate all the great advice from everyone.  Thank you.

GI_Jane230
by on Jan. 8, 2013 at 12:59 PM

Update:

She is in counseling and going to her doctor today.  However, the doctor's office informed me they are required to report to the authorities.  I was aware of this but the counselor told my daughter that they wouldnt which is the only reason she agreed to go.  I feel if I tell her in advance, she will refuse to go to the doctor.  If I dont she will be very upset.  She needs to go regardless.  I really am worried about her dealing with this if authorities get involved.  She will have to go through it all again and nothing will happen to him because she can't even remember.  I just don't know how to best help her get through this.

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