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Is this a dumb idea? LONG *update*

Posted by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:11 PM
  • 9 Replies

I am emotional right now so I'm probably not thinking straight.

To put it plainly, my dad is an asshole.  I honestly can't remember the last time I gave a shit if he lived or died.  Unfortunately, my mother never took advantage of the many times she should have left.

I found myself in a position years ago where I refused to take his shit anymore and stand up to him.  He doesn't like it.  He runs away to his room and slams the door while mumbling under his breath instead of having big enough balls to take me head on.  That is his problem. He's a coward and a bully and isn't used to people standing up to him.

He had gotten better over the years.  Still a hateful son of a bitch but tolerable.  More of a "all bark no bite" type of person.  I vowed he would not treat my children this way and he does not.  His attempt to verbally abuse them had him running to his room and for ONCE my mom did not take his side.  Regardless, my kids hate him too.

I ended up moving home with the divorce and have been here for about 2 years now.  Today.. I could have choked him and not felt bad about it.  Over the most ridiculous thing.  Chocolate milk.  yep, that's it.  I don't want to get into the details because it's just too fucking stupid.

Before the divorce was final, my ex decided to give me a business offer, that I turned down.  He wanted to move me and the kids out of the area and have a "room mate" situation until we both could afford to be on our own, and also to see if we could work things out by the time one of us could move out.  I shot him down for many reasons, one being that I don't want to leave the area.  My kids love their taekwondo class and I don't want to take that from them.  A good instructor is hard to find and we went through 1 before we got into the class we are in now.

If I stay in this house much longer, between me and my dad only one of us is going to be left standing before long and it won't be him.  I FUCKING HATE HIM.

I've thought about calling my ex and asking if his offer still stands, with the change that we have to stay in the area and I use his car to work until I get my own (he is on disability and gets a pension, so he doesn't use his car much and he doesn't work).  And also that this isn't an attempt for us to be a couple like his original offer was. He needs my credit rating to get a place and I need to get me and my kids out of here.  He tried to get an apartment last month but because of his credit, he would have had to pay the deposit, PLUS first and last month's rent.  Usually the deposit is last month's rent but they wouldn't take that due to his credit.

Of course I have already worked it all out in my head how the bills would be split up and everything.  I have a mind for numbers and the first thing I do is create equations when it comes to a future situation.

I don't know if this is a good idea, at all, but damn it's tempting.  I need to get me and the kids out of here and this seems like one of the quickest ways plus I wouldn't have to ask him to watch the kids when I need to go somewhere and I could work without having to worry about my parents' doc appointment schedule since we share a truck.

 

Okay so it wasn't that great of an idea.  Sometimes I could just beat him within an inch of his life he's so frustrating.  I really thought we were beyond this.

He won't do it because he wouldn't want to unless there was a chance for us to work things out, and as he said, it's obvious that is not a part of the deal.  He goes on to say that he would still give up everything for another chance and I swear to GOD I wanted to smack him.  HE HAD OVER A YEAR to do the one mother fucking thing I asked of him and he refused, so I pushed the divorce through and told him if he wanted a last chance he had to make the damn effort but once it was final, that's it.

Now that all that time has passed I'm so over it.  I have no feelings for him other than friendship but as far as our past goes I'm still really, really angry about some things but I don't let that get in the way of us getting along at all.  Things have been great between us for months.  there is no chance in hell that there would ever be anything romantic between us again so I don't see the point in bringing up any of those old wounds again, it's pointless. 

i could have been so mean to him tonight, but I didn't.  God knows I wanted to.  It's just so frustrating!!!  I never wanted him to give up everything, I wanted ONE DAMN THING that only required him to open his damn mouth and for once put my feelings above those of his stupid pothead friends.

He's also told me he's putting himself into the VA's inpatient treatment center voluntarily after the holidays because he finally admitted he needs help. I have been telling him this for YEARS.  He's not dangerous, has never been violent and he doesn't even own any weapons, he's just got a lot of stuff from war that he needs to deal with that he's just pushed aside this whole time.

It's too little too late for us as far as a couple goes.  Too much has happened.  I thought this would be a good chance for us to help each other out.  Oh well.

Right now I can't afford to get a place by myself.  The money I have coming in isn't enough for a place by myself but I could split bills with some one else.  I am trying to get the best price I can from scapping my van so I can add that to my car fund.  Once I get a vehicle that actually runs, I'll look for work and get out that way.  Now that I've talked to him, i've totally changed my mind about being his room mate.  I sure as hell don't want to give him the slightest idea that we could work shit out.

I have a friend that is looking for a place as well and she's up my ass about us getting a place but I refuse to live with her.  She's got 3 dogs that are not trained that piss and shit everywhere.  Her floor in her room at her mom's house is covered in those pee pads... SO NASTY!

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:11 PM
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Replies (1-9):
jmnewmommy
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:33 PM

 If you and your ex get along, and you are clear about the situation beforehand, I don't see it as a bad idea.
I know what being in a situation like the one you have with your father is like. It's not good. For anyone, and I would never want my child to witness anything like that. The best thing I ever did was move out and leave that situation.
If that's the only solution you have to get out of your current situation, I would say at least give it a shot.

KPBMom
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:54 PM

I understand all the reasons that this makes sense.  I'll play Devil's advocate and throw out some scenarios.

What will happen if one of you starts dating?  Who's going to do the laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.  Whose TV goes in the living room and who controls the remote?  What about yardwork?  Grocery shopping?

Most importantly, how hard is this going to be on your kids?  I can't remember how old they are, but I think a kid of any age is going to find this situation really confusing.

mhaney03
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 6:02 PM

How the kids would take it is the foremost thought I'm having. 

As far as him dating, I don't care if he does as long as there's no overnights in the place we would have together. If he wants an overnight he can do it at her place.  As far as me, I'm not dating and have no intention on dating.

As far as all that other stuff goes, I'd expect it to run about the same as it did when we lived together before.  It was pretty equal but I'd definitely want to work things out ahead of time as to who does what, especially since he is not working.

Quoting KPBMom:

I understand all the reasons that this makes sense.  I'll play Devil's advocate and throw out some scenarios.

What will happen if one of you starts dating?  Who's going to do the laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.  Whose TV goes in the living room and who controls the remote?  What about yardwork?  Grocery shopping?

Most importantly, how hard is this going to be on your kids?  I can't remember how old they are, but I think a kid of any age is going to find this situation really confusing.


KPBMom
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 6:11 PM

So how old are your kids?  Can you explain to them that this is only being done out of convenience and it does NOT mean that mommy & daddy are getting back together?

mhaney03
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 6:25 PM

They are 9, and the younger 2 are about to turn 7 and 3 on the 23rd.  I would explain that to them on their level the best I could.  They've never really experienced us "together" to begin with because ex was military and gone all the time.  We split shortly after he was discharged.  We lived together for short amounts of time during the marriage because he was always deployed or out for training weeks at a time.

I don't want to hurt them but I feel like my options are right now between HOW to hurt them LESS.  Stay living with a verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive cocksucker or let them spend more time with their father and then maybe hurt them when we live apart again.  At least with their dad it's some one that they actually like and can interact with without getting yelled at.


 

Quoting KPBMom:

So how old are your kids?  Can you explain to them that this is only being done out of convenience and it does NOT mean that mommy & daddy are getting back together?


lilmama1216
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 6:50 PM

me and a guy I was best friend with did the roommate thing. in my experience? it ended absolutEly horrible and our relationship and friendship became a horrible mess and my son lost an amazing male role model. your situation may be different I'm sure but I'm still hurt and resentful towards him with how bad things went down.

grneyedormom
by Kendra on Dec. 19, 2012 at 8:53 AM
Can you not afford to move out on your own? With a good credit rating, getting into your own place should be less complicated for you. In my honest thought process, he is your ex for a specific reason, and one of those reasons also included no longer being able live with him. Right?? (Wrong? Explain?) If so, why would you want to potentially move from one situation to another that may (or may not, there are way to many unknowns) also be unhealthy for all of you.
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easinpc
by Gold Member on Dec. 19, 2012 at 10:13 AM

Personally i would not be able to do it, but if you think that you and your ex could and that the kids would be ok with it (and know you weren't getting back together) than I would discuss it with him.  Is is possible for you to get your own apt with the kids?  Good luck!!

mhaney03
by on Dec. 20, 2012 at 12:09 AM

bump for update

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