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I am Struggling w/ BD & Timesharing

Posted by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:02 PM
  • 31 Replies


I am having trouble coping with time away from my daughter while she is with her father. I thought joining this website would help me cope better and meet other women going through similar feelings and/or experiences. BD filed petetion againist me in the state of Florida, threatened to get 50/50 so I would have to pay him child support because I make more money than him.

I had to get an attorney, now I have spent $10,000 in attorneys fees and after almost a year this is still not resolved. My attorney had to file a motion and order againist BD to finalize the parenting plan and paternity settlement because its coming down to the wire and he still doesn't want to sign the paper work.

We have gone to mediation twice; and its like pulling teeth. The longest she has been with him is 3 nights and 4 days in a row, and it is so hard for me. I get so scared that something is going to happen to her. She is only 1x year old. He has no experience with children, no family that lives here except his step mom and she is 73 years old. I don't know who his friends are and am scared he could be exposing her to the wrong people or even leaving her with people I don't know. My attorney states that unless I have proof he is using drugs or drinking there is not much I can do. The court does not look highly upon "controlling" mothers, as I have been called. I am concerned, not controlling. She is only 1 year old and has no way of communicating if something happens to her or is around the wrong kind of things.

I know this is what I get for having sex outside of marriage with someone I have never even so much as lived with. There is no chances of us ever getting back together and now that she is starting to transition to cows milk, her appetite is changing and her dad just ignores emails I send him regarding planning and communicating of these types of issues. All he wants to email me about is how I am trying to keep him away from his daughter and that I am "alienating" him from her.  These statements make me cry so much because I do not want that at all. My main concern is her safety and well being.We cannot communicate by email let alone in person when we do the exhange. Now when I pick her up at his house, he is outside waiting for me to get there with her and doesn't even wait till I get there to knock on the door, as if he is trying to hide something. He claims I treat my daughter like an object because honestly when I see him, I feel extremely uncomfortable and just want to leave as quickly as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this kind of behavior with daughter's father. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sid1083
by Silver Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:22 PM
2 moms liked this

 Unfortunately when parents split there are a lot of things that are out of your control. As hard as it will be, try to take a step back and let things happen. He may turn out to be a decent dad - but you need to give him a chance. There are certainly plenty of mothers out there with no prior experience who do a fine job.

koalasami
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:26 PM

Sorry but I agree that you are being controlling.  He will have her around people you don't know but you will probably have her around people he does not know.  Do you have other children?  You say he has no experience with children but we are all new parents at some point!  Is he doing drugs that you have proof of?  Or other illegal activities?  Because if not why do you think he can not handle parenting.  I can not stand it when mothers act like they are the only ones who know what is okay for their child.  She is also his daughter.  Maybe he thinks you are not a good parent for her and has all the same concerns that you do.  Have you ever considered his side of this?  Maybe he meets you at the curb because once you are in the house you want to analyze everything and interrogate him about what he is doing with HIS daughter.  I used to do this to my ex.  I did not allow him in my house not because I was hiding anything but because what was going on in my house was none of his business and I did not want to chit chat with him.  Meeting him at the door generally prevented those conversations.

B8byG1rlBlues
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:36 PM

I am trying, really I am. That is why I am here. Trying to distract myself with positive things while she is away from me. I have been going to the gym and things like that. I don't call him or text him while she is with him; she has been doing overnights with him now for 4 months. I know I didn't have prior experience as a parent, this is my first baby, however I do have a God daughter and several cousins that I have been taking care of since birth that are now 5, 8, and 12 years old. He is 43 and has never so much as carried a baby until now. It is not my concern anymore because we have progressively been increasing his time with her since she was born. But we broke up 1 month after I found out I was pregnant. He threatened me with the fact that he was not the father and wanted a DNA test and things like, so its been a very bumpy ride since the beginning. Not wanting to pay any money until finally he had to. Being father is not only about being there physically but it also costs a lot of money and I have had to bare all the expenses myself including having to sacrafice my body, my career and everything, while he does nothing except give me a hard time.

Ridingsolo
by Bronze Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:37 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  You do not sound controlling at all, you sound like you care about your daughter very much!!  It sounds like her father is being a jerk.  If he cared about her just as much as you, I think he'd be willing to discuss important things, like her diet, with you. 

If he signs the latest mediation agreement, will you be on a 50/50 parenting plan? 

I would be very afraid if I had to leave my child with someone else, especially before the child was communicative.  Has her father been involved from the beginning at least?  Have you ever been able to watch him interact with her?  Does he seem like a good and concerend parent?

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:52 PM
1 mom liked this

 i would try to be positive. a lot of women in this group have fathers that simply dont give a shit and skipped out. maybe he loves the kid and wants to be a parent to her?

that said i understand how difficult it is to deal with someone who you dont get along with. have you tried talking to him? since you guys are not getting along it might take awhile but try taking the high road. NOT suggesting you be a doormat at all but compromise where you can. someday soon you will aprreciate some alone time, trust me.

 you are right to take care of this legally but i will add that i think most of the time lawyers like you to be contentious because they get paid more when you are.

B8byG1rlBlues
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:55 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Ridingsolo:

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  You do not sound controlling at all, you sound like you care about your daughter very much!!  It sounds like her father is being a jerk.  If he cared about her just as much as you, I think he'd be willing to discuss important things, like her diet, with you. 

If he signs the latest mediation agreement, will you be on a 50/50 parenting plan? 

I would be very afraid if I had to leave my child with someone else, especially before the child was communicative.  Has her father been involved from the beginning at least?  Have you ever been able to watch him interact with her?  Does he seem like a good and concerend parent?

No, its not 50/50. We will be attempting to do every other extended weekend, from Thursday night to Monday morning and one midweek (Wednesday night for dinner). When I was little my parents made me leave with my mom for weeks at a time, then with my dad, then back to my mom, and then at my grandmother house, cause my mom would stay there for a little while and stuff like that and it made me feel very lost as a child. I always felt like I had no stability or place I could call home. I do not want to put my child through that. Her father has been involved since she was born to the extent of visiting her whenever he wanted for an hour or 2 then at around 3 months we started extending it to 3 to 4 hours and then at 6 months he started taking her to his house because he finally finished the room for her and had a place for to sleep, then at around 8.5 months we started the overnights. He owes me a lot of money right now in child support, medical expenses and daycare. He is in the process of paying me back but it will be 2.5 years before he can pay me all that he owes me back and now finally we have agreed to a child support amount and he will have to pay me through his payroll checks because he is very inconsistent with payments.

PumpkinSpice8
by Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:01 PM
That sounds very hard for you. It sounds like you really want to find peace in this situation and I hope you do find it. and I bet you will someday!


I would agree that you sound a little controlling and should let some things go as she is his daughter too and can make decisions on things like food choices. It may not be what you want LO to eat, but its what her dad wants her to eat and that's fine. You can make suggestions and talk it through with him, but at the end of the day, you both get to make the decision for own households.


There is no need for you to go in house, and you have no right, so I would let that one go. Ex does the same with me... I use to think he was hiding something too (and I think it's his mess) but its none of my business. I let ex into our home to stand if he showed up early if it were cold out but then he harassed my SO to no end and he is no longer welcomed in our home... He can wait in his car or wait in the cold (and he only has to do that if he shows up early because I always have her ready 30 minutes prior to pick up time).


I don't think it's fair to you that he says you treat LO like an object. Being around an ex is uncomfortable and an uneasy situation. I'm like you, I show my affection behind closed doors not in BDs face. Bd and his ex wife use to make a big production of hellos and goodbyes with dd in front of me... I'd have to wait ten minutes for their production to be over before I could talk. It was ridiculous. Our court order states hellos and goodbyes are to be said before and after the child is exchanged not during.


Pick your battles. Ask yourself if you are being fair to dd, yourself, and ex in every situation. Be kind and respectful. Co-parenting is hard...and it takes some learning and lessons to get it right. Soon you'll find a good medium to work with BD but don't fret if you have bumps along the way.


I also recommend the book Joint Custody With A Jerk to people who co-parent. It's a good read whether you have full custody or joint or sole and whether you were married to ex or had a one night stand.


Good luck with co-parenting.
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B8byG1rlBlues
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:03 PM


Quoting faerie75:

 i would try to be positive. a lot of women in this group have fathers that simply dont give a shit and skipped out. maybe he loves the kid and wants to be a parent to her?

that said i understand how difficult it is to deal with someone who you dont get along with. have you tried talking to him? since you guys are not getting along it might take awhile but try taking the high road. NOT suggesting you be a doormat at all but compromise where you can. someday soon you will aprreciate some alone time, trust me.

 you are right to take care of this legally but i will add that i think most of the time lawyers like you to be contentious because they get paid more when you are.

I guess a piece of me is also scared that she (my daughter) will resent me later for being away from her? I don't want her to feel like I am abandoning her, that is what also scares me. I have read so many different points of view about children needing stability and shouldn't be away from their primary caregiver at such a young age for extended periods of time? Its very confusing, and makes be overthink every thing, and in the end, I just want whats best for her.

I did not file the papers with the court, he filed a paternity case against me. I just want him to sign the papers already. He is prolonging this more than necessary and make me spend more money on an attorney than I have to.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:06 PM

 if he is planning on being an active father she wont resent you.

Quoting B8byG1rlBlues:

 

Quoting faerie75:

 i would try to be positive. a lot of women in this group have fathers that simply dont give a shit and skipped out. maybe he loves the kid and wants to be a parent to her?

that said i understand how difficult it is to deal with someone who you dont get along with. have you tried talking to him? since you guys are not getting along it might take awhile but try taking the high road. NOT suggesting you be a doormat at all but compromise where you can. someday soon you will aprreciate some alone time, trust me.

 you are right to take care of this legally but i will add that i think most of the time lawyers like you to be contentious because they get paid more when you are.

I guess a piece of me is also scared that she (my daughter) will resent me later for being away from her? I don't want her to feel like I am abandoning her, that is what also scares me. I have read so many different points of view about children needing stability and shouldn't be away from their primary caregiver at such a young age for extended periods of time? Its very confusing, and makes be overthink every thing, and in the end, I just want whats best for her.

I did not file the papers with the court, he filed a paternity case against me. I just want him to sign the papers already. He is prolonging this more than necessary and make me spend more money on an attorney than I have to.

 

 
        
         

Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:29 PM
1 mom liked this
My son is now 7 years old and his dad and I were never together. My son only knows life with 2 separate households and he's perfectly fine. He knows I love him more than anyone else in this world and has never questioned that fact.

You have a long life ahead of you coparenting with this man. So you need to focus totally on what will be best for your child. Getting upset over silly things like not being invited into his house will eat you alive. You gotta let silly stuff like that go.

You also have to let go of all the negative feelings towards him and how he treated you while you were pregnant and his lack of helping until being made to do so by court. Dwelling on it and expecting him to apologize is wasted energy. Yeah, he was a dick but staying mad at him and holding it against him even now is only hurting you.

Let him be a dad. Keep in mind that any expectations you want to place on him (wanting to know who all he has around your child while dad has her, etc) will also be placed on you so be careful what you ask for because it might come back to bite you in the ass.
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