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I am Struggling w/ BD & Timesharing

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I am having trouble coping with time away from my daughter while she is with her father. I thought joining this website would help me cope better and meet other women going through similar feelings and/or experiences. BD filed petetion againist me in the state of Florida, threatened to get 50/50 so I would have to pay him child support because I make more money than him.

I had to get an attorney, now I have spent $10,000 in attorneys fees and after almost a year this is still not resolved. My attorney had to file a motion and order againist BD to finalize the parenting plan and paternity settlement because its coming down to the wire and he still doesn't want to sign the paper work.

We have gone to mediation twice; and its like pulling teeth. The longest she has been with him is 3 nights and 4 days in a row, and it is so hard for me. I get so scared that something is going to happen to her. She is only 1x year old. He has no experience with children, no family that lives here except his step mom and she is 73 years old. I don't know who his friends are and am scared he could be exposing her to the wrong people or even leaving her with people I don't know. My attorney states that unless I have proof he is using drugs or drinking there is not much I can do. The court does not look highly upon "controlling" mothers, as I have been called. I am concerned, not controlling. She is only 1 year old and has no way of communicating if something happens to her or is around the wrong kind of things.

I know this is what I get for having sex outside of marriage with someone I have never even so much as lived with. There is no chances of us ever getting back together and now that she is starting to transition to cows milk, her appetite is changing and her dad just ignores emails I send him regarding planning and communicating of these types of issues. All he wants to email me about is how I am trying to keep him away from his daughter and that I am "alienating" him from her.  These statements make me cry so much because I do not want that at all. My main concern is her safety and well being.We cannot communicate by email let alone in person when we do the exhange. Now when I pick her up at his house, he is outside waiting for me to get there with her and doesn't even wait till I get there to knock on the door, as if he is trying to hide something. He claims I treat my daughter like an object because honestly when I see him, I feel extremely uncomfortable and just want to leave as quickly as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this kind of behavior with daughter's father. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:02 PM
Replies (11-20):
koalasami
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:39 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting B8byG1rlBlues:

 My daughter was a little older when we seperated so my situation is different but I don't think she will resent you for helping her build a relationship with her father - hopefully he follows through on that as well because it so much better for her if she has both of you.  My daughter is 14 and we divorced at 2.  I HATE it when she is away from me but I think it is best if she has a healthy relationship with dad.  I don't like him and at this age she has figured that out but I have always done my best to help them maintain contact - not his strong suit.  After she gets a little bigger I do think you will learn to appreciate the time she is gone.  You will have some "me" time which can help you be a better person when she is with you. 

Quoting faerie75:

 i would try to be positive. a lot of women in this group have fathers that simply dont give a shit and skipped out. maybe he loves the kid and wants to be a parent to her?

that said i understand how difficult it is to deal with someone who you dont get along with. have you tried talking to him? since you guys are not getting along it might take awhile but try taking the high road. NOT suggesting you be a doormat at all but compromise where you can. someday soon you will aprreciate some alone time, trust me.

 you are right to take care of this legally but i will add that i think most of the time lawyers like you to be contentious because they get paid more when you are.

I guess a piece of me is also scared that she (my daughter) will resent me later for being away from her? I don't want her to feel like I am abandoning her, that is what also scares me. I have read so many different points of view about children needing stability and shouldn't be away from their primary caregiver at such a young age for extended periods of time? Its very confusing, and makes be overthink every thing, and in the end, I just want whats best for her.

I did not file the papers with the court, he filed a paternity case against me. I just want him to sign the papers already. He is prolonging this more than necessary and make me spend more money on an attorney than I have to.


strngenough
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:41 PM
I'm a first time mom (pregnant) with no family down here. It's going to be a learning experience for me and I know I'll make mistakes. You kinda have to realize that with him too. Just take a step back and try to build a good relationship with him. It'll be easier to work together on parenting issues. She will be happy that both parents want to be a part of her life. Not angry that she didn't spend every second with you. I'm sure it's harder with a baby, but men are only as incompetent with kids as we let them be. Guys can change diapers too.
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Barblicious
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:44 PM

BUMP!

strngenough
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:46 PM
Stability is consistency. She's only ever known this way of life, she has her own room at both places, and she has both parents who care. That's pretty stable. Don't over think it and enjoy that little break to work on developing who you are. You can't have your whole identity wrapped in your kid. Let him be a dad and I bet he will get nicer down the road. Feel free to log in here and vent when you want to yell at him. Lots of us do and put "vent" in the subject line. Sounds like everything will be ok. I agree with other posters that you are just making lawyers richer.


Quoting B8byG1rlBlues:



Quoting faerie75:

 i would try to be positive. a lot of women in this group have fathers that simply dont give a shit and skipped out. maybe he loves the kid and wants to be a parent to her?


that said i understand how difficult it is to deal with someone who you dont get along with. have you tried talking to him? since you guys are not getting along it might take awhile but try taking the high road. NOT suggesting you be a doormat at all but compromise where you can. someday soon you will aprreciate some alone time, trust me.


 you are right to take care of this legally but i will add that i think most of the time lawyers like you to be contentious because they get paid more when you are.

I guess a piece of me is also scared that she (my daughter) will resent me later for being away from her? I don't want her to feel like I am abandoning her, that is what also scares me. I have read so many different points of view about children needing stability and shouldn't be away from their primary caregiver at such a young age for extended periods of time? Its very confusing, and makes be overthink every thing, and in the end, I just want whats best for her.

I did not file the papers with the court, he filed a paternity case against me. I just want him to sign the papers already. He is prolonging this more than necessary and make me spend more money on an attorney than I have to.


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Barblicious
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:50 PM
1 mom liked this

I am a control freak, and had some honest concerns due to his anger issues and drinking problems with my daughter's dad, but in the end I had to let it go. It was hard, and it took time as he proved himself. 

It sounds like the father is on the defensive, because of your controlling habits. I know, firsthand what this is like, because I have experienced it. Any time I sent off an email of advise or concerns he just read it as me being a bitch and not having faith in his abilities as a father. My mistake but over time I started to trust him more, specially when I can see how much he truly loves our daughter. He truly would kill anyone that harmed her, and I know now he would never harm her either. 

Try hard to let go of the fears you have. 

The only person that should WIN in a case like this is the child. Let her have a dad. She will never resent you for that.

B8byG1rlBlues
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 3:54 PM

I love all this wonderful feedback and different points of view from women and mothers. It is great. I already feel some relief. Do you think I am alienating him with that schedule? 8 overnights in a 28 day period?

Also, he wanted to pick her up last Friday and keep her until jan 1st but I just could not agree to that right now. That would have been 12 days without seeing my little girl and no Christmas or new years?? He wanted me to agree to that forever, in the parenting plan that he gets her that whole week every year, but that would mean I would never spend a Christmas with her ever. What do you think?

Barblicious
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 4:26 PM

That is not fair, most times the agreement is one year with mom, next year with dad, so each parent gets one year then not the next... Seems unfair for you to never get her at all for Christmas! Hell no, he can't have that. 

Is the 8 days what fits his schedule for work? Why was that the proposed schedule? EVERY agreement is different for every couple, it all comes down to schedules.

Quoting B8byG1rlBlues:

I love all this wonderful feedback and different points of view from women and mothers. It is great. I already feel some relief. Do you think I am alienating him with that schedule? 8 overnights in a 28 day period?

Also, he wanted to pick her up last Friday and keep her until jan 1st but I just could not agree to that right now. That would have been 12 days without seeing my little girl and no Christmas or new years?? He wanted me to agree to that forever, in the parenting plan that he gets her that whole week every year, but that would mean I would never spend a Christmas with her ever. What do you think?


PumpkinSpice8
by Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 4:27 PM
I think 8 overnights is fair. Most dads get 4-6 a month when they have a every other weekend set up.

Typically fathers will get a week of Christmas holiday and moms will get a week, with Christmas and Christmas eve rotating each year. But that is for school aged children and is set up according to school breaks. I don't think one week is unreasonable. I do think you should rotate Christmas and Christmas eve every year though.


Quoting B8byG1rlBlues:

I love all this wonderful feedback and different points of view from women and mothers. It is great. I already feel some relief. Do you think I am alienating him with that schedule? 8 overnights in a 28 day period?

Also, he wanted to pick her up last Friday and keep her until jan 1st but I just could not agree to that right now. That would have been 12 days without seeing my little girl and no Christmas or new years?? He wanted me to agree to that forever, in the parenting plan that he gets her that whole week every year, but that would mean I would never spend a Christmas with her ever. What do you think?


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Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 4:32 PM
You need to rotate holidays. The schedule we have is this- one parent gets from the day school gets out for Thanksgiving until 2pm Thanksgiving day. Then the other parent gets from 2pm Thanksgiving Day until school starts back. Then at Christmas the parent that got Thanksgiving Day until school starts back gets from day school gets out for Christmas until 2pm Christmas Day and the other parent gets from Christmas Day until school starts back. Then we switch the next year.
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PumpkinSpice8
by Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 4:40 PM
For holidays we do each parent gets every other holiday and it rotates each year.

Thanksgiving from Wed before until Sunday Evening.

Memorial day and labor day the Friday before through Monday evening.

Easter is on spring break so we rotate who gets spring break each year.

Fourth of July is the day before to the day after.

Christmas eve from the 23rd @ 6pm to the 24th at 9pm.

Christmas day from the 24th at 9pm to Christmas day at 9pm.

Then each parent gets a full week of Christmas break each year. With the first parent getting the first week and other getting the second and it rotating each year.
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