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I am Struggling w/ BD & Timesharing

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I am having trouble coping with time away from my daughter while she is with her father. I thought joining this website would help me cope better and meet other women going through similar feelings and/or experiences. BD filed petetion againist me in the state of Florida, threatened to get 50/50 so I would have to pay him child support because I make more money than him.

I had to get an attorney, now I have spent $10,000 in attorneys fees and after almost a year this is still not resolved. My attorney had to file a motion and order againist BD to finalize the parenting plan and paternity settlement because its coming down to the wire and he still doesn't want to sign the paper work.

We have gone to mediation twice; and its like pulling teeth. The longest she has been with him is 3 nights and 4 days in a row, and it is so hard for me. I get so scared that something is going to happen to her. She is only 1x year old. He has no experience with children, no family that lives here except his step mom and she is 73 years old. I don't know who his friends are and am scared he could be exposing her to the wrong people or even leaving her with people I don't know. My attorney states that unless I have proof he is using drugs or drinking there is not much I can do. The court does not look highly upon "controlling" mothers, as I have been called. I am concerned, not controlling. She is only 1 year old and has no way of communicating if something happens to her or is around the wrong kind of things.

I know this is what I get for having sex outside of marriage with someone I have never even so much as lived with. There is no chances of us ever getting back together and now that she is starting to transition to cows milk, her appetite is changing and her dad just ignores emails I send him regarding planning and communicating of these types of issues. All he wants to email me about is how I am trying to keep him away from his daughter and that I am "alienating" him from her.  These statements make me cry so much because I do not want that at all. My main concern is her safety and well being.We cannot communicate by email let alone in person when we do the exhange. Now when I pick her up at his house, he is outside waiting for me to get there with her and doesn't even wait till I get there to knock on the door, as if he is trying to hide something. He claims I treat my daughter like an object because honestly when I see him, I feel extremely uncomfortable and just want to leave as quickly as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this kind of behavior with daughter's father. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 2:02 PM
Replies (21-30):
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 5:20 PM

 i think that the 8 overnights is fiar, as she gets older he may want more and thats ok too. it is not fair of him to expect every holiday every year. hell no to that one. tell him you will alternate years and if it is a long stretch like 12 days, that you would like an overnight halfways through there or something.

Quoting Barblicious:

That is not fair, most times the agreement is one year with mom, next year with dad, so each parent gets one year then not the next... Seems unfair for you to never get her at all for Christmas! Hell no, he can't have that. 

Is the 8 days what fits his schedule for work? Why was that the proposed schedule? EVERY agreement is different for every couple, it all comes down to schedules.

Quoting B8byG1rlBlues:

I love all this wonderful feedback and different points of view from women and mothers. It is great. I already feel some relief. Do you think I am alienating him with that schedule? 8 overnights in a 28 day period?

Also, he wanted to pick her up last Friday and keep her until jan 1st but I just could not agree to that right now. That would have been 12 days without seeing my little girl and no Christmas or new years?? He wanted me to agree to that forever, in the parenting plan that he gets her that whole week every year, but that would mean I would never spend a Christmas with her ever. What do you think?

 

 

 
        
         

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 5:22 PM

 also, if you are communicating through his lawyer it sounds like they are asking for the world to get less, if you know what i mean.

RMIEW
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:19 PM

The BEST thing you can do for your daughter, yourself, and the father of your daughter is to show him LOVE! Whenever we choose love, over hate, we are promised that we will not fail in what we do.

"Love never fails" ~1 Corinthians 13:8 NIV Bible Verse

And though you mention there is "no chance of us getting back together", I want you to reconsider this option. Because your daughter needs BOTH of her parents. Wouldn't it be better for her if you both were united? And if you love her, doesn't her needs come before your own?

I urge you to get quiet and seek the Lord for His will so that He can give you the strength to do what you probably do not want to do.

Much love,

~Tiffany

"The best way a mother can show love to her children, is by loving their father"

B8byG1rlBlues
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:05 AM


Quoting faerie75:

 also, if you are communicating through his lawyer it sounds like they are asking for the world to get less, if you know what i mean.

No, I don't know what you mean, well I think I do. When we agreed to what we agreed to in mediation, the extended every other weekend scenario, from Thursday night to Monday morning, it was agreed to that the times of drop off Thursday night would be when traffic subsides and the drop off Monday morning would be at a reasonable time because of the distance. So it equals 4 x overnights x 2 = 8 overnights; then child support was calculated on this # of overnights. We signed the paternity settlement agreement but did not sign the parenting plan, because his attorney said he could not afford to be there anymore (in mediation) and asked that my attorney draft up the parenting plan as agreed to and they would sign it. Then when my attorney drafted the parenting plan, and sent it to his attorney, he did not want to sign it because he said he didn't want to go that many days without seeing her and that he rather do 6 x overnight instead of 8 overnights, friday night to saturday night one weekend and then the following weekend friday night to sunday morning; for several reasons, 1x he didn't think he could drop her off monday mornings like he agreed to do because of work and would have to ask if he could get there late on monday mornings if he did that, 2x he would be able to see her every weekend, 3x we would both be able to see her every weekend. So basically for the next 17 years I would have no full weekends with her and would have to drive to and from his city for pick up. We live 32 miles apart and split the transportation responsibility, he picks up and then I pick up. He also said he did not want to change the paternity agreement though, meaning, keep the 8x overnights even though he was only taking 6x; I was not going to fight him on that since this is not about money for me. He said that at the begining of this whole thing; he did not want to break continuity in her life and would take 50/50 but would not enforce it, which always led me to believe this was always about not paying child support for him, but I keep praying that is not the case and he genuinely wants to have a relationship with her. I have a career and work full time, the quality time I get to spend with her is on the weekend when I am off, if we did the every weekend thing I don't think I would be able to truly bond with her ever, and the same is true for him, that is why I think the every other weekend is better because it gives each of us "quality time" with her and she can get to know us both. No I have to spend more money on attorneys fees to get him to sign the parenting plan. It is ridiculous and very frustrating to see the least. Is that what you meant by "asking for the world, to get less"?

B8byG1rlBlues
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:08 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting RMIEW:

The BEST thing you can do for your daughter, yourself, and the father of your daughter is to show him LOVE! Whenever we choose love, over hate, we are promised that we will not fail in what we do.

"Love never fails" ~1 Corinthians 13:8 NIV Bible Verse

And though you mention there is "no chance of us getting back together", I want you to reconsider this option. Because your daughter needs BOTH of her parents. Wouldn't it be better for her if you both were united? And if you love her, doesn't her needs come before your own?

I urge you to get quiet and seek the Lord for His will so that He can give you the strength to do what you probably do not want to do.

Much love,

~Tiffany

"The best way a mother can show love to her children, is by loving their father"

Thank you so much for quoting the bible, I read the bible and it is my guide to life. However, I will not unite with her father ever again as a couple, he was very emotionally and mentally abusive and I do not want to be with someone who treats me that way, sorry. I will treat him like the human being that he is, and treat him with the respect he deserves as the father of my daughter, but that will be the extent of it. I am not someones doormat, and it has taken me years of self-esteem building to stand up for my beliefs and not submit to people who want to control me. Much love and peace to you and thank you. :)

Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:34 AM
2 moms liked this
Please do not agree to him having your child every weekend. It's not equitable at all.

Is there no way he can get her during the week for an overnight?

My son goes to his dad's one night a week and every other weekend. Too many family things happen on the weekend so it's not right for him to have her every weekend.

Don't fall for the idea that he will agree on paper to one thing but actually do something else. What is on the paper is what is legally binding so don't get screwed over.

I would also suggest meeting half way all the time instead of alternating pick ups. That way there is never the chance for arguments over whose turn it is.
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LauraMH
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 10:57 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this and for so long too. Fortunately my divorce when very quick (9 months) but I do know how hard it is. I do not think you are being controlling but looking out for the best interest of your child. I HATE when my kids have to go to their dads. Before our divorce, I had never been away from them for more than one night. Now every other week I am away from them for 5 days. It suck but I will tell you it does get easier.

I say, keep fighting. If you truly feel with all your heart that you are doing what is best for your child then fight until the end. Document everything. Maybe show up at his house 15 mins early one day and knock on the door, say you know you are early but you will wait in you car until he is ready, that way you will see if he is hiding something.

I feel for you mamma. I do know how hard it is to be away from your baby. Stay strong and GL

Jennyanne322
by Bronze Member on Dec. 28, 2012 at 11:17 AM
I was the same way with DS and his dad. I have him a list of foods he can't have because of acid reflux and allergies. What does he do, he gives him sauce. He spent the evening vomiting from it, because of the reflux. He only showed for two visits though. I went out with friends both times and kept myself busy. Try to find hobbies that you can do, while he has her. He is trying to be a dad and a part of her life. That's more then I can say about DS dad.
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AvasMommaxxoo
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 4:19 PM
1 mom liked this

I feel your pain! I am dealing with a BD that wanted visitations at one point and now wants nothing to do with her. Dealing with court isnt easy. My daughter is 7 months old and i know the feeling of not wanting her to go, First of all you are NOT controlling. YOU are her mother. That little baby came from your body and you have every right to be concerned about just giving her to someone..even if it is her father. I want my daughter to have her father but i also dont want her to be subjected to my BD's ways! (very long story and your BD seems much better than mine) you gotta give him a chance but you should not have to give him the baby for days..it should be ony days until she is older. I would talk to your laywer or find a new one..do not settle..the baby doesnt need to be tossed back and forth..She has one home..he chose not to be in that one. He should be able to see her twice a week because of her age. Let him prove he is a good father and then when she gets older and you get more comfortable let her go for longer. Its whats best for the child not what the selfish BD wants. Stand your ground. And IF the judge does give him more time then you would life..just pray and stay busy while she is gone..dont dwell on the negative. Stay positive for you and for your L\O! 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 28, 2012 at 6:44 PM

 a lot of lawyers ask for more than what their client wants because they know yopu wont just give in. so say he WANTED 50/50. they try to ask for full custody so that you get stressed or scared then SETTLE for 50/50.

i would not let him get by with credit for more overnights than he is taking. i also wouldnt give him part of every single weekend. sometimes maybe you want to go away for a weekend and cant cuz of him. nope. not fair.

my SO currently has eow fri-mon and wednesday overnights. since your childs father lives far, what i would offer back is he get first and third and if there is a fifth weekend of the month, fifith. fri-sun since he is worried he wont be able to make monday commute... and fri to sat ONE of your weekends as agreed upon. just be sure to let him take that if he accepts. many times they wont because its not set in stone. but let him get that one night of credit. tell himt he reason is not the money but because there are times you will want to have plans for a whole weekend and his having aprt of every weekend is prohibitive to that.

Quoting B8byG1rlBlues:

 

Quoting faerie75:

 also, if you are communicating through his lawyer it sounds like they are asking for the world to get less, if you know what i mean.

No, I don't know what you mean, well I think I do. When we agreed to what we agreed to in mediation, the extended every other weekend scenario, from Thursday night to Monday morning, it was agreed to that the times of drop off Thursday night would be when traffic subsides and the drop off Monday morning would be at a reasonable time because of the distance. So it equals 4 x overnights x 2 = 8 overnights; then child support was calculated on this # of overnights. We signed the paternity settlement agreement but did not sign the parenting plan, because his attorney said he could not afford to be there anymore (in mediation) and asked that my attorney draft up the parenting plan as agreed to and they would sign it. Then when my attorney drafted the parenting plan, and sent it to his attorney, he did not want to sign it because he said he didn't want to go that many days without seeing her and that he rather do 6 x overnight instead of 8 overnights, friday night to saturday night one weekend and then the following weekend friday night to sunday morning; for several reasons, 1x he didn't think he could drop her off monday mornings like he agreed to do because of work and would have to ask if he could get there late on monday mornings if he did that, 2x he would be able to see her every weekend, 3x we would both be able to see her every weekend. So basically for the next 17 years I would have no full weekends with her and would have to drive to and from his city for pick up. We live 32 miles apart and split the transportation responsibility, he picks up and then I pick up. He also said he did not want to change the paternity agreement though, meaning, keep the 8x overnights even though he was only taking 6x; I was not going to fight him on that since this is not about money for me. He said that at the begining of this whole thing; he did not want to break continuity in her life and would take 50/50 but would not enforce it, which always led me to believe this was always about not paying child support for him, but I keep praying that is not the case and he genuinely wants to have a relationship with her. I have a career and work full time, the quality time I get to spend with her is on the weekend when I am off, if we did the every weekend thing I don't think I would be able to truly bond with her ever, and the same is true for him, that is why I think the every other weekend is better because it gives each of us "quality time" with her and she can get to know us both. No I have to spend more money on attorneys fees to get him to sign the parenting plan. It is ridiculous and very frustrating to see the least. Is that what you meant by "asking for the world, to get less"?

 

 
        
         

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