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Help!! Separation/ divorce / deal with it

Posted by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 2:44 PM
  • 20 Replies
1 mom liked this
Ive been thinking about a separation/divorce My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and another daughter due in May. I love him very much but he's so mean and cruel to mean and we don't get along. He never has a kind word to say. And then he says its always me and calls me names. My daughter sees it everyday and will say "you no be mean to momma" or "daddy no yell at momma" even if he's calmly degrading me she totally understands and will say something. It breaks my heart and then of course he says its my fault she talks to him that way I put it in her head... I NEVER talk badly about her daddy. I just don't understand him. He used to be a huge pot smoker and quit about 6 months ago and I thought things would get better, maybe his mood swings would improve maybe he'd treat me better... But it never happened. His mother even says "why are you still with him he treats you horribly and that's not how I raised him" I also believe in God and he doesn't at all, I never push the subject God says not to. But even when I silently pray over my food he will stand behind me says "come on!!! Stop with the bullshit" an our daughter saw he had a booboo on his finger and she immediately tried to pray over it, he ripped his finger out of her hands and said "don't do that shit to me, it's silly and one day hopefully you'll be smarter then our mother" I know all this points to GET OUT, but how do you do it? I love him, I've never been with anyone else! We have two children! He made me quit my teaching job last year because he said I didn't make enough money to work, I had such bad depression and anxiety about being home that I connived him to let me be a substitute about a month ago, so I have NO MONEY and I can't live on a subs pay. Our car is in my name but is 450 a month. I have nothing! And he's said he will make sure that he gets custody of our daughter and I can live with that!! She's my everything and once this baby is born what do I do then!???? I'm so stuck!! I have chronic anxiety and in afraid to be alone eve to go to the store, how can I do it with out him? Especially because he said because I'm going to therapy for anxiety and I don't have a steady job or anywhere to live an he's an engineer he will get primary custody and ill see our daughter on the weekends!!! I seriously will die! I can't be without her she is my life! HELP I feel like I need to keep pretending and just stay so I don't have to worry about not seeing her. It's what I've been doing for almost 2 years, I can keep doing it I just need to vent like this every once in a while and then reign it in, put a smile on my face for my children and make the best of each day!
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by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 2:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
strongerwtime
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 2:59 PM

 many of us had to leave a cruel situation and still loved the person.  Unfotunately him and his unhappy and pot smoking ways and takingit out on you ANd the kids is unacceptable....he either gets help for his pot smoking addiction and his self issues or he loses his family. That would be my ultimatum. You cannot continue living like this. He is also controlling...and dont let him threaten you with getting primary custody of the kids. You are the primary caregiver inthe home, no court is going to just snatch the kids from you like that.  He is threatening you beacuse he doesnt want to change.  He likes using you as his emotional punching bag and the more you pretent to be ok the worse it gets. You have to get to a point where your peace of mind and sanity is more a priority than you love for him, because he is clearly not loving you right now as he is. I recommend a separation but you have to want it and you have to plan it and get your support system together.  You have to think about the kids too...is staying REALLY helping them? I feel terrible your little one even knows this is not right! Talk to your mom, get your support sytem together and then give him the ultimatum. If you feel fearful that he will react terribly an ultimatum may be too much of a heads up and you may have to make leave him first and tell him why..from a distance!

strongerwtime
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:01 PM
1 mom liked this

 you only pretend long enough to put your ducks in a row so you can exit!! Start planning NOW!

Robsessed98
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:16 PM
Get out now, today, before it damages your daughter anymore than it already has!!! Kids learn how to live at an early age by parental example. Find a friend or family member to stay with until you can get on your feet. Do not talk to him period unless its about the kids. If he harrasses or abuses you, call police for documentation and file an EPO. File for divorce, custody, child support and alimony asap (contact legal aid for free or cheaper attorney). He has zero grounds for custody and unless he can prove you unfit (abuse, neglect, drugs...) clances of him getting custody are slim. Mothers are still preferred custodials. Document every single thing he says or does thats abusive or about the kids for proof in court. Until court, dont deny him at least supervised visits because it will go against you in court. Good luck.
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brieri
by Platinum Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:27 PM

 He made you quit your job?  Good for him, all the better for you to easily get C/s.  Your also going for therapy for anxieties?.  Get a letter from the dr that you are being treated.  Everything counts and you will be better off.  Eventually you can go back to work, because of less stress.  Don't let him take the car.

amonkeymom
by Gold Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:02 PM

welcome  I'm sorry you're in a situation where you feel you may need to end your relationship.  

Quoting E-momma:

Ive been thinking about a separation/divorce My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and another daughter due in May. I love him very much but he's so mean and cruel to mean and we don't get along. He never has a kind word to say. And then he says its always me and calls me names. My daughter sees it everyday and will say "you no be mean to momma" or "daddy no yell at momma" even if he's calmly degrading me she totally understands and will say something. It breaks my heart and then of course he says its my fault she talks to him that way I put it in her head... I NEVER talk badly about her daddy. I just don't understand him. He used to be a huge pot smoker and quit about 6 months ago and I thought things would get better, maybe his mood swings would improve maybe he'd treat me better... But it never happened. His mother even says "why are you still with him he treats you horribly and that's not how I raised him" I also believe in God and he doesn't at all, I never push the subject God says not to. But even when I silently pray over my food he will stand behind me says "come on!!! Stop with the bullshit" an our daughter saw he had a booboo on his finger and she immediately tried to pray over it, he ripped his finger out of her hands and said "don't do that shit to me, it's silly and one day hopefully you'll be smarter then our mother" I know all this points to GET OUT, but how do you do it? I love him, I've never been with anyone else! We have two children! He made me quit my teaching job last year because he said I didn't make enough money to work, I had such bad depression and anxiety about being home that I connived him to let me be a substitute about a month ago, so I have NO MONEY and I can't live on a subs pay. Our car is in my name but is 450 a month. I have nothing! And he's said he will make sure that he gets custody of our daughter and I can live with that!! She's my everything and once this baby is born what do I do then!???? I'm so stuck!! I have chronic anxiety and in afraid to be alone eve to go to the store, how can I do it with out him? Especially because he said because I'm going to therapy for anxiety and I don't have a steady job or anywhere to live an he's an engineer he will get primary custody and ill see our daughter on the weekends!!! I seriously will die! I can't be without her she is my life! HELP I feel like I need to keep pretending and just stay so I don't have to worry about not seeing her. It's what I've been doing for almost 2 years, I can keep doing it I just need to vent like this every once in a while and then reign it in, put a smile on my face for my children and make the best of each day!


LifeCafe42
by Nora on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:44 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group!  You need to do what is best for you and your kids.  Sometimes that isn't being in an unhealthy relationship.  Good luck!

Meg_the_Mermaid
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:57 PM

First of all, DO NOT listen to what he's telling you. These are threats he's throwing around and he's being an abusive bully! He WANTS you to be scared. He can't tell you what he's going to do...only the courts can make any decision and they will not place your child in his custody for no good reason. I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. My stbx did the SAME thing to me, said the same crap and I stressed over it and then realized it's not gonna happen and he will never get custody of our daughter. No judge in their right mind would do that to a child.Also, your husband sounds like he may have a mental disorder. He sounds a lot like my stbx, who is bipolar.

I also have no job, no money, no car, lots of health problems...it's hard when you've been held back for years and you have to start all over again, especially when you're starting over with kids. But just take a deep breath, calm down, and start taking small steps. You need to research and talk to people. Do you have friends or family you can stay with? There are also shelters who help women in situations such as ours. The county/state can help as well. It can often be a SLOW process, but it's better to start somewhere than to never do anything at all.

KRIZZ25
by Platinum Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 7:04 PM
u dont need that or deserve that .u have to choose what u wont to do..
Mandyskla
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:12 PM
I'm so sorry for what your going thru I went thru the same thing I have two boys he always put me down and yelled in front of the boys we were married 5 years together 8 I loved him so much but I knew it wasn't healthy for me or my boys so now going thru a divorce I know it was the wright choice but the anger and pain is still here but my boys are happy now you need to file for divorce it will be hard but the law is on your side your not a unfit mom you and your kids deserve better
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stillstandin246
by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 6:55 PM

 Document everything and start planning to leave.  It doesn't help your daughter to see the things she does.  She will learn its ok to let a man treat you like that, even though she tries to stop him now, bless her little heart.  It's not easy by any means, I've been there too, but you have to for the sake of your daughter.  And how do you do it?  One foot in front of the other, you keep on going, keep on planning, and you do it for your daughter and yourself. 

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