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Last Name Debacle--kind of long--

Posted by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:18 PM
  • 31 Replies

Happy New Year, everyone! This is my first or second post, but I have been lurking for a few days. I am having a major issue with my son's last name. My first child, a son, is due in Feb. Baby Daddy and I are not together, in fact when I was 10 weeks pregnant, he decided to reconnect and recommit to his ex girlfriend. He knew I was pregnant, yet decided to go that route anyways. I have tried VERY hard to make all decisions logically as opposed to emotionally. I would be lying if I didn't say I am bitter and hurt, but again, I am really trying to do the very best for our son. Before I was added to the work group insurance plan, I was on a self pay program with my OBGYN. He paid for half of all those bills, has taken me to the dr, has been at every important dr appt, etc. So he has "physically" been there. Emotionally...he has been absent. Almost like he lives 2 lives. As you can imagine, my life has totally changed., while he still goes out and parties and hangs with his girlfriend and does whatever. I realize this happens all the time. When we found out we were expecting a son, the last name became a major issue. He actually said to me "If it were a girl, I was OK with giving her your last name, because your last name is very pretty, but now that it's a boy, the paternal line carries and it is critcally important to me for him to have my last name." UM WHAT?!?! Is that a double standard or what? I told him not to ruin the moment and we'd talk about it later. So, now here we are...later...about 4 weeks away from my due date and we are still fighting. He says if I don't give baby his last name, he won't sign the birth certificate AND said to me "don't you want me to feel attached to my son?" Forgive me if I am wrong, but that is still his son regardless of letters on a piece of paper, right?! Am I wrong? Here is my conflict....he wanted me to have an abortion, he was OK with girl having my last name, after 6 months of a casual relationship he reconnected with his ex knowing I was preg, he never tried for me or for his son to be a family. Isn't the purpose of giving your child a last name to establish a
"family name?" We were NEVER a family. Not even for one day. On the flip side, he HAS been there (physically) for his son. At the dr appts and paying half the bills, and there is NO doubt in my mind that he will be in his son's life, it may not be in the way I would like or hope for, but I know that he WILL be there. So, do I take away that "paternal right" of his son carrying his name on away from him? Would really appreciate your thoughts, as I am sure many of you have been in this place.....thank you in advance!!

by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Ridingsolo
by Bronze Member on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:35 PM
1 mom liked this

100% I'd say give him your last name.  I'm sure your son will be with you more of the time, so it makes more sense for him to have your last name and feel like the two of you are a family. 

If that affects his father's bonding with his son, then he wasn't a good dad to begin with.

If he doesn't care to sign the birth certificate, you can still establish paternity later and take him to court for child support, if that is your wish. 

tyfry7496
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:52 PM
3 moms liked this
Give him YOUR last name. Who cares if he signs the BC, you can still get child support. He will just have to pay for a DNA test.
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Robsessed98
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:25 PM
5 moms liked this
Im gonna have to play devils advocate here. When you go to court for custody and support, chances are if he requests it, the judge will order him to have his last name. Ive never seen a father turned down for that request and I know alot of them. Yes, its a double standard, but its important to men that their son carry on their last name so they wont die out. Makes sense to me anyway. If hes going to be a real dad and be there for his son, why not let him have his name? Just something to think about. Also, Ive been there and know what youre going through. Just stay strong and focus on yourself and making a good life for your son. Dont let the ex take up time in your head or heart. It takes awhile, but you will get through and then over it.
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strngenough
by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:30 PM
2 moms liked this
Robsessed has great points, as usual ; ). I'm going through the same thing even pregnant with a boy. I've thought about the name thing, but it really is important to the guys. I'm going to give my son his dads last name. It's important to remember that he is both of yours, if you were together you would do it, to pick your battles, and that the guy has to be there for your son not you. Sucks, but it's true. I'm due in April. Congrats on yours. : )


Quoting Robsessed98:

Im gonna have to play devils advocate here. When you go to court for custody and support, chances are if he requests it, the judge will order him to have his last name. Ive never seen a father turned down for that request and I know alot of them. Yes, its a double standard, but its important to men that their son carry on their last name so they wont die out. Makes sense to me anyway. If hes going to be a real dad and be there for his son, why not let him have his name? Just something to think about. Also, Ive been there and know what youre going through. Just stay strong and focus on yourself and making a good life for your son. Dont let the ex take up time in your head or heart. It takes awhile, but you will get through and then over it.

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LifeCafe42
by Nora on Jan. 1, 2013 at 7:31 PM

A name is a name for him attachment is a stupid excuse.  Give the kid your last name you can hyphenate if you want but put yours first.  It will make things easier when he's in school etc being the primary caregiver

ame501
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 8:12 AM

Thank you all for your responses, and I have played Devil's advocate with myself, many times, but there are things I can't get out of my head! Like, he has said to me numerous times that it wasn't "his choice for me to stay pregnant and have baby"..he said that as recently as 2 weeks ago when I was 33 weeks pregnant. So, he is still playing the part of "this wasn't MY choice, but now that you chose it, this is what I have to deal with"....how can I feel comfortable giving my son his last name after comments like that? If it weren't for ME and MY decision, my son would have been aborted back in June...I had a voice for him, he will be with me 80 percent of the time, I will be the one dropping him off to school...his father and I will NEVER be together. I was willing to make my son's middle name his last name, but that wasn't good enough for him. I am giving my son his middle name, so there is some "legacy" there...oh and did I mention that he has a 20 year old son with another woman in Tennessee?? He never had his last name either, so of course when we talk about it he throws in my face "My other son doesn't have my last name, this one will have my last name, it is crictically important to me"....It's not MY fault that his other son doesn't have his last name. I can't make a decision based on that. I so badly wanted him to come to me and say "I want our son to have my last name, because I want him to carry on my legacy, I want to teach him everything I know, etc"...something warm and fuzzy and heartfelt and the only answer I got was "It is my paternal right, the father's last name carries, and it would create more of an attachment"....that is bull. And that is ALL he cares about. He told me to find the day care, he told me to find the pediatrician, he has never asked HOW our baby will be fed (formula vs breast), he has not cared about any of the little things, but when it comes to last name..BAM, he is passionate and in my face, and throwing around "it's my son too"....I guess it sounds like I've already made up my mind, but I really am still torn. I'm ONLY torn because I want everyone to be happy....I just don't know how to achieve that happiness.

kkat117
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 9:38 AM
I have a daughter and her dad did not talk to me the entire time i was pregnant. He is in her life now but at times i feel like he isnt emotionally there which is very important since we live 800 miles apart. Once we got back into contact, i decided to keep her last name as mine..BUT if she wants his last name when she is older, I will get it changed for her
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koalasami
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 9:44 AM

I think you should give him your last name.  I agree that the way he is asking for it is wrong.  But it will be best for this child to be raised by both parents if possible and if this helps him feel more connected I don't see that it is hurting anything.  Is it possible that you are doing this to "punish" him for his choices?  As far as single moms go you may be one of the luckier in the long run.  While you are angry you with him now you may find that having him there is a good thing.  I was with my ex when I was pregnant and until my daughter was 2 - he never went to the doctor with me EVER, he did not ever ask if I was breasfeeding or using formula, I had to pick the pediatrician and find the day care and buy everything and set up the nursery.  He put the crib together and that was it.  He is trying.  It may be taking him longer than you wish it would be give him some credit for making an effort.

ame501
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 10:54 AM

I realize I am lucky to have the "support" from him that I have, but I don't like it being thrown in my face every chance that this pregnancy wasn't "his choice"...it was mine. Um, yes, I did say NO to abortion and adoption, but he said YES to unprotected sex with me, for 6 months, knowing that I was not on birth control. So, in a way, it was HIS choice. I feel for that reason alone, him wanting to abort and it not being HIS choice for me to keep baby is in and of itself enough for me to give my son my last name. I think my mind is made up. I don't know why I have to keep talking myself into it........

easinpc
by Gold Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:56 AM

I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation but here's a bump for you.  Hopefully some of the other moms in here can help.  Hugs!!

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