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Last Name Debacle--kind of long--

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Happy New Year, everyone! This is my first or second post, but I have been lurking for a few days. I am having a major issue with my son's last name. My first child, a son, is due in Feb. Baby Daddy and I are not together, in fact when I was 10 weeks pregnant, he decided to reconnect and recommit to his ex girlfriend. He knew I was pregnant, yet decided to go that route anyways. I have tried VERY hard to make all decisions logically as opposed to emotionally. I would be lying if I didn't say I am bitter and hurt, but again, I am really trying to do the very best for our son. Before I was added to the work group insurance plan, I was on a self pay program with my OBGYN. He paid for half of all those bills, has taken me to the dr, has been at every important dr appt, etc. So he has "physically" been there. Emotionally...he has been absent. Almost like he lives 2 lives. As you can imagine, my life has totally changed., while he still goes out and parties and hangs with his girlfriend and does whatever. I realize this happens all the time. When we found out we were expecting a son, the last name became a major issue. He actually said to me "If it were a girl, I was OK with giving her your last name, because your last name is very pretty, but now that it's a boy, the paternal line carries and it is critcally important to me for him to have my last name." UM WHAT?!?! Is that a double standard or what? I told him not to ruin the moment and we'd talk about it later. So, now here we are...later...about 4 weeks away from my due date and we are still fighting. He says if I don't give baby his last name, he won't sign the birth certificate AND said to me "don't you want me to feel attached to my son?" Forgive me if I am wrong, but that is still his son regardless of letters on a piece of paper, right?! Am I wrong? Here is my conflict....he wanted me to have an abortion, he was OK with girl having my last name, after 6 months of a casual relationship he reconnected with his ex knowing I was preg, he never tried for me or for his son to be a family. Isn't the purpose of giving your child a last name to establish a
"family name?" We were NEVER a family. Not even for one day. On the flip side, he HAS been there (physically) for his son. At the dr appts and paying half the bills, and there is NO doubt in my mind that he will be in his son's life, it may not be in the way I would like or hope for, but I know that he WILL be there. So, do I take away that "paternal right" of his son carrying his name on away from him? Would really appreciate your thoughts, as I am sure many of you have been in this place.....thank you in advance!!

by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:18 PM
Replies (11-20):
Mama_Gillogley
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 1:15 AM

i gave my son my last name but his father was 110% absent, so that made it easier. I also heard that if a father's name is not on the bc that he doesn't have as many rights- is this true? does anyone know anything about this? my son's name is AWESOME too and i'm glad he has my last name. :)

ame501
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 8:42 AM

I plan on giving the dad as many rights as he deserves. I know I would give him more visitation than a court would, so he would be silly to think that I am trying to take away any of his rights. He sees his son having his last name as a "right"...and I guess I just don't see it that way. We have agreed to get together and talk, as opposed to texting, which just turns nasty. I am 28 and he is 42, you'd think we would be decent at communicating and telling each other, eloquently what we want. Not so much. Just hoping we can come to a "resolve" before our son is here. I have a feeling he will not be happy with my thoughts, but I just have to be open, honest, and cordial!

victoriahearts
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Here my suggestion, give him both names, with your name being first, if he doesn't like the idea tell him to go fly a kite. The fact is that you will the main caregiver and your child should carry your name as you are a single woman, but i'm sure your son would also appericiate sharing some connection to his father, which is why I suggest putting his name on the birth certificate second. If he doesn't agree to doing something like this tell him that ultimately you are his mother and you don't have to give him last name, he can refuse to sign the BC but once you take him to court for child support she point of the BC is mute. Best of luck figuring it all out, I was married when I had my son and he carries his dad last name and I had change my last name as well, but when I divorced I ended up keeping my married name because regardless of how many times I tell people to call me by my maiden name , everyone still calls me by my son last name, so just be careful if you agree to his last name because no matter what you will always be know by your son's last name.

witchybabymomma
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:49 AM

 Honestly you cannot "take" that right away if he were to fight the issue in court they would make you change the babies last name to the fathers. As far as a double standard your right he's kinda a douche about it. I hyphenated my sons last name because I wanted him to have his fathers, but also mine.

raeann1984
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:55 AM

well the decision is ultimately yours. and because he HAS been there through pregnancy I'd say its definitely something to think about. My son has my last name - his father has nothing to do with him. The daughter I'm carrying and about to deliver will also have my last name because her father's a jerk AND because i want her to feel connected to MY family (myself and my son) I do think about the last name decision when calling drs or schools about my child. i'm honestly very happy i get to say this is rachel johnson, mommy of xanden johnson instead of rachel johnson mommy of xanden whoever. i know its a simple thing but i'm glad its that way. i hear people run into some difficulty with giving their children different last names than their own, but i've obviously had no experience with that. As far as the birth certificiate goes, thats his choice. and he can always be added later. If you go through family services ehre for child support or medical support they will have him add his name anyhow. and its rubbish about him not feeling connected to the baby bc of a last name. choose whichever you want! you deserve the right because you carried him for 9 months. good luck.

 

EDIT** i just wanted to note that just because he's not on the bc doesnt mean he doesn't have rights. as long as its legally documented somewhere that he is the father, then hell have rights, but not until then. And the court will NOT make you change the name. perhaps theres a chance that they could make you hyphenate the name, which is what i thought about doing when baby daddy wasn't a jerk - but they will not make you remove your last name to add his.

ame501
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 11:34 AM

I didn't think a judge could make me change my child's last name to the father's? I have never heard of that before. Wouldn't I have to sign over my parental rights for that to happen? Even if we had joint custody and he pays child support, I have never heard of a judge forcing a mother to change her child's last name. I have never been down this road before, so I realize I could be mistaken, but????

As for him "being there during the pregnancy"...yes, he has been. He physically has been. But like I said earlier, him telling me that me having this baby wasn't his choice and if it were up to him, I wouldn't be pregnant right now...those statements are very "telling"...how could I want to give my son his last name with comments like that? I had a voice for my son, I made the decision (alone) to keep my son, I feel like that alone should give me the RIGHT to give him my last name and for he and I to be a family. I just don't want this to get ugly, but I know if I don't give him what he wants, this IS going to get ugly.  It makes me sad. Really really sad.

MissTuree
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 11:38 AM

I say hyphenate. You keep trying to say that you are making decisions from a logical standpoint and not an emotional one...but you're only fooling yourself in this regard. I understand that it is hard for you to be going through this pregnancy alone, without the overwhelming joy from him over your pregnancy. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care though, nor does it mean that you should 'punish' him because he's not making you feel "warm and fuzzy". There IS a difference between having a boy and girl and their last name. A girl could end up with a million last names throughout her life, as soon as she's married her maiden name can easily be thrown out the window. A man's name, however, is more concrete. It is carried on throughout generations, so it's not a 'douche-y' double standard, it's an honest one.

Ultimately it is your choice, but I strongly suggest you learn how to start thinking more with your head and less with your heart or you will have a life filled with agony and turmoil.

ame501
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 11:44 AM

Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it. I guess I just can't wrap my head around giving my son his father's last name when he wanted me to abort. And continiues to throw that fact is my face. Kinda hard to think "logically" about that. I always thought the purpose of having the same last name as someone was to distinguish a family unit. *I* AM this child's family. By the way, I offered to hyphenate...that wasn't good enough for him. He said it was too long and we couldn't do that to our child. So, like I said earlier, I have tried to compromise. I have days where I feel like I am taking away a "right" and I have days where I feel like it is my right. Hormones sure are a bitch!

Quoting MissTuree:

I say hyphenate. You keep trying to say that you are making decisions from a logical standpoint and not an emotional one...but you're only fooling yourself in this regard. I understand that it is hard for you to be going through this pregnancy alone, without the overwhelming joy from him over your pregnancy. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care though, nor does it mean that you should 'punish' him because he's not making you feel "warm and fuzzy". There IS a difference between having a boy and girl and their last name. A girl could end up with a million last names throughout her life, as soon as she's married her maiden name can easily be thrown out the window. A man's name, however, is more concrete. It is carried on throughout generations, so it's not a 'douche-y' double standard, it's an honest one.

Ultimately it is your choice, but I strongly suggest you learn how to start thinking more with your head and less with your heart or you will have a life filled with agony and turmoil.


MissTuree
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 12:01 PM

I'm glad you realized I wasn't trying to be mean. I re-read what I wrote and felt bad that I may have come across as a b*tch, and that wasn't my intention.

I understand how angry hearing him say that has to make you, it's horrible for him to keep bringing that up. Though he is saying some pretty effed up things now though, it seems by his actions that his tone will change when he actually has his son in his arms. It's hard for us women to understand how some men can't have a strong connection to a child during a pregnancy, but we have to see that they aren't growing this child inside of them and feeling that physical bond like we are. No, that doesn't give him the right to be a jerk during your pregnancy but as I said, you may be surprised to hear him sing a different tune when his son is born. Also you have to see that in your situation you aren't your son's only family. Instead of the traditional one house family, he will have two. Not just you, not just dad, TWO. Regardless if he is with you a majority of the time, that doesn't make his dad any less of a dad. (Unless he does a 180 and ends up not being there anymore)

I can only say what I would do in your shoes. I would hyphenate. It is the fairest compromise. Obviously he isn't accepting of it, but he is in the wrong for expecting you to not want that even share of his name. Hyphenate anyways, he'll get over it. He should be thankful that you are trying to work with him and not just being a B and just doing whatever you want.

Quoting ame501:

Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it. I guess I just can't wrap my head around giving my son his father's last name when he wanted me to abort. And continiues to throw that fact is my face. Kinda hard to think "logically" about that. I always thought the purpose of having the same last name as someone was to distinguish a family unit. *I* AM this child's family. By the way, I offered to hyphenate...that wasn't good enough for him. He said it was too long and we couldn't do that to our child. So, like I said earlier, I have tried to compromise. I have days where I feel like I am taking away a "right" and I have days where I feel like it is my right. Hormones sure are a bitch!

Quoting MissTuree:

I say hyphenate. You keep trying to say that you are making decisions from a logical standpoint and not an emotional one...but you're only fooling yourself in this regard. I understand that it is hard for you to be going through this pregnancy alone, without the overwhelming joy from him over your pregnancy. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care though, nor does it mean that you should 'punish' him because he's not making you feel "warm and fuzzy". There IS a difference between having a boy and girl and their last name. A girl could end up with a million last names throughout her life, as soon as she's married her maiden name can easily be thrown out the window. A man's name, however, is more concrete. It is carried on throughout generations, so it's not a 'douche-y' double standard, it's an honest one.

Ultimately it is your choice, but I strongly suggest you learn how to start thinking more with your head and less with your heart or you will have a life filled with agony and turmoil.

 


ame501
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 12:09 PM

I didn't think you were being a b*tch at all! I appreciate all types of feedback, it really does help! And you are SO right about him feeling a connection. I realize now that I have tried to force things on him...like dr appts and ultrasound visits, I am trying to force that connection, that just isn't there yet because he isn't carrying the child. This whole thing hasn't been easy, and I know once my son is here, this will all seem so trivial. I just want to do what's best for my son, and I HAVE to come to terms that sometimes, people aren't going to get what they want..including myself, so it has been hard. I am glad I found this site though :) It has helped!

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