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Last Name Debacle--kind of long--

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Happy New Year, everyone! This is my first or second post, but I have been lurking for a few days. I am having a major issue with my son's last name. My first child, a son, is due in Feb. Baby Daddy and I are not together, in fact when I was 10 weeks pregnant, he decided to reconnect and recommit to his ex girlfriend. He knew I was pregnant, yet decided to go that route anyways. I have tried VERY hard to make all decisions logically as opposed to emotionally. I would be lying if I didn't say I am bitter and hurt, but again, I am really trying to do the very best for our son. Before I was added to the work group insurance plan, I was on a self pay program with my OBGYN. He paid for half of all those bills, has taken me to the dr, has been at every important dr appt, etc. So he has "physically" been there. Emotionally...he has been absent. Almost like he lives 2 lives. As you can imagine, my life has totally changed., while he still goes out and parties and hangs with his girlfriend and does whatever. I realize this happens all the time. When we found out we were expecting a son, the last name became a major issue. He actually said to me "If it were a girl, I was OK with giving her your last name, because your last name is very pretty, but now that it's a boy, the paternal line carries and it is critcally important to me for him to have my last name." UM WHAT?!?! Is that a double standard or what? I told him not to ruin the moment and we'd talk about it later. So, now here we are...later...about 4 weeks away from my due date and we are still fighting. He says if I don't give baby his last name, he won't sign the birth certificate AND said to me "don't you want me to feel attached to my son?" Forgive me if I am wrong, but that is still his son regardless of letters on a piece of paper, right?! Am I wrong? Here is my conflict....he wanted me to have an abortion, he was OK with girl having my last name, after 6 months of a casual relationship he reconnected with his ex knowing I was preg, he never tried for me or for his son to be a family. Isn't the purpose of giving your child a last name to establish a
"family name?" We were NEVER a family. Not even for one day. On the flip side, he HAS been there (physically) for his son. At the dr appts and paying half the bills, and there is NO doubt in my mind that he will be in his son's life, it may not be in the way I would like or hope for, but I know that he WILL be there. So, do I take away that "paternal right" of his son carrying his name on away from him? Would really appreciate your thoughts, as I am sure many of you have been in this place.....thank you in advance!!

by on Jan. 1, 2013 at 6:18 PM
Replies (21-30):
Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Jan. 3, 2013 at 1:55 PM
I agree.

Quoting tyfry7496:

Give him YOUR last name. Who cares if he signs the BC, you can still get child support. He will just have to pay for a DNA test.
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Chadams123
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 2:19 PM

I have a friend who had an issue with not know which last name to put.  The dad was and still is in the boy's life but she knew her and dad would probably never marry and she didn't want to never have the same name as her son.  She hyphenated her son's last name.  Her last name then dad's.  

victoriangavin
by Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 2:36 PM
On a similar subject my son has my last name bur his father wants it changed to his... He's never even met our son or done anything for him.. My son is the only way my last name gets passed on and it means alot to my family for it to get passed on... When this is brought up at the mediation what could i tell them for his last name to stay as mine
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LuvMommysBabies
by Bronze Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 8:29 AM
Your last name
ame501
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 9:36 AM

We spoke again last night and that resulted in him hanging up on me and then texting me telling me to "grow the f*ck up"....sooooo, that is that. It is sad to me because I honestly thought that we would be able to do this whole co parenting thing and everything would be glitter and rainbows. Oh, how wrong I was. He is being spiteful and saying if I give him my last name, he won't sign BC, so I told him I will be spiteful too and not put him on the BC...which I think will only make things harder for him? If he doesn't pursue it, then I guess we know he didn't really care to begin with. I know this all sounds so "high school" but I really am trying to do what's best for my son. I know families come in all shapes and sizes, but my son will be with me 80 percent of the time, he and I will be more of a family unit, I will NEVER be with his father...I sound like a big ole whinebaby!! Sorry! Just isn't easy when I want everyone happy. Impossible!

conniejo75
by Bronze Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 9:51 AM
If dad is involved the child should have their dad's name. My sons have different last name than me and it's never been an issue.
I get what he means about son vs daughter. Daughter usually takes by husband's name... or at least her kids would be carrying on their father's name
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ame501
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 10:06 AM

Were you married or with their father when they were born?

Quoting conniejo75:

If dad is involved the child should have their dad's name. My sons have different last name than me and it's never been an issue.
I get what he means about son vs daughter. Daughter usually takes by husband's name... or at least her kids would be carrying on their father's name


Arwyn724
by Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 10:23 AM

I would advise you to use your last name.  Both my girls have their father's last names because I was married each time when they were born.  However, I've been single for most of their lives, so it would have been much easier throughout school if they had my last name.  Each one has even said at one time or another  they wish we all shared the same name.  If you are not married to the father, and not even remotely together as a couple, I would saykeep the baby's name the same as yours.

conniejo75
by Bronze Member on Jan. 4, 2013 at 10:59 AM
Nope. We married after first son was born and divorced 6 months later *when i was preg with #2. But he was there for them... we had on and off relationship from start so he sucked at the relationship part. He is an ass now that the kids are teenagers... but it doesn't change he is their father.

Quoting ame501:

Were you married or with their father when they were born?


Quoting conniejo75:

If dad is involved the child should have their dad's name. My sons have different last name than me and it's never been an issue.
I get what he means about son vs daughter. Daughter usually takes by husband's name... or at least her kids would be carrying on their father's name




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MomTeacher247
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 11:31 AM

Give him YOUR last name, and if he chooses not to sign the birth certificate, that's his perrogotive, all it will take is a simple DNA test and he is on the hook for child support for the next 18 years.  I in no way think that it is his paternal right for the baby to carry his last name, especially considering he wanted an abortion AND was OK with giving a girl YOUR last name.  Sounds like you are going to have your hands full with this one.

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