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new to the group and in need of custody advice

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 6:49 PM
  • 12 Replies
I'm new to the site and group and in desperate need of advice. I was married last year April after I found out I was pregnant. At the time My ex and I were already engaged to be married and I was starting to have second thoughts. After a hurriedly telling both our families we were married, mostly so I could get health insurance coverage through his job ascend also because he didn't want a "Bastard child". He and his family are very conservative on some matters. We decided we had time to figure things out such as where we would live and what we wanted to do for our child. The same weekend we were married he moved into my parents house without asking anyone and proceeded to take over my life and every decision that needed to be made. Many problems arose and we split 10 days later. I asked for space and he went off the deep end calling me a liar and cheater and then took to harassing my friends and family about me when I refused to speak to him. We are still legally married. I have filed for divorce in December before my DD was born. He was emotionally, mentally and starting to become physically abusive towards me just never we split. He now wants to be a part of my child's life. We haven't gone to meditation and the divorce is waiting on his side to send their information to thcourts. In the mean time he is demanding to see DD more. His work schedule doesn't really go along with DD. By the time he's done and able to make it over its time for me to start her bedtime routine. I'm incredibly stressed out and scared. I don't want to deny him time with her but I don't think it makes sense for him to come over when she's sleeping. He can always come spend time with her on his two days off. Since we have no formal agreement I need advice on what to do or what other mom's have done. I don't want to mess this up for me later when we do go to court later. I'm starting to feel like I'm being bullied by him again.
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by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 6:49 PM
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harleigh07
by Bronze Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 6:57 PM
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well my advice is this

rule one ONLY communicate thru email. if you're worried that you might say and or do something wrong that might not look good in court then get everything done thru email so that you have your butt covered incase he might try to make up lies (that's what my ex tried to do, but I have all emails to prove him wrong)

second if he was to come see DD that's fine. but it doesn't need to be done when she is sleeping. Make a schedule for DD, tell him what it is. if he cant fit in it on the days he's working then tell him he can come see her on his days off. again, state all of this thru email. even if he wanted to try and say you don't allow him enough time with DD you can state that DD needs a schedule and consistancy and that you said it's ok for him to come on his days off. 

dont let him bully you. if it doesn't work for DD then tell him so and give another option. again, do everything thru emails. 

also I would go buy a small calandar and use it to record days that BD sees DD and times. Also record everytime you see BD and or communicate thru emails. I did that and boy did it work wonders when we went to court! after filing to go to court it took over a year, so I had a year worth of emails, and my clanadar filled out. lets just say that since I was so organized the judge believed me over the ex. 

good luck mama!

mhaman4
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 6:57 PM
1 mom liked this

If you have a lawyer Id suggest that you file for emergency custody and talk to your lawyer about the abuse you have gone through and see if you can get a protection order to protect yourself and your child. If he is doing this its more about power then seeing the child. It will only get worse if you don't put your foot down. If the child is sleeping then tell him he can see the child when they are awake. Keep a log as detailed as possible about what he says when he says it and what he does. Write down times too. If he calls to see the child at 8pm and the childs asleep write down 8pm baby asleep, but hes demanding visitation. Keep this log so you can show a pattern of everything. Keep all texts and voicemails if you can. Bring up any concern to the court and if you have other people who have seen him react to you badly or threaten you or even themselves have them go with you as well. Good luck these situations are never the easiest, but stand strong and do what you need to for yourself and your child.

Also have someone present at the visits if you can so if any problems arise you have a witness.

MissKittyPurry
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 7:08 PM
Thank you so much. Everything is through email. I have all of those saved and I have a journal of all our conversations so far concerning everything he's said when he comes over. I also have a calendar marking his visits and how long he's here. One of my parents is always here thank god and he almost always shows up with his mother. Who I do not trust at all. She said some really horrible things to me when I was pregnant, that my doctor would be proven wrong and I would have a boy, and she couldn't wait to see if he has blue eyes with blonde or red hair. I'm Indian. So you can imagine my shock when she said no one would want a dark hair dark eyed baby girl. Its ridiculous what I'm dealing with.
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mhaman4
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 7:15 PM

When you go to court you can also have your lawyer do a ciest and desist order on his mom so she can't speak to you during visits. This can protect you and your child from the negativity that comes with insults or other issues that can come up because she cannot be respectful. Just make sure you watch anything you say to her. If possible don't speak to her unless you have too. She is there because you allow her to be there, so if she cannot show respect you can take away the privliage. 

Robsessed98
by on Jan. 5, 2013 at 8:24 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group. Don't let him bully you - co-parenting is a  2 way street. Tell him you're not comfortable with him coming at bedtime and that he can see/have the baby on his days off or during the day. Don't deny him access to her though because it will look bad in court. Keep records of everything that happens - every time he's there or if he doesn't show up, abuse, anything. If his end is holding up the divorce, have your attorney file a motion to compel and make him get his ass in gear.

MissKittyPurry
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 2:32 AM
I'm exclusively breastfeeding so for short while he won't be able to take her. He currently lives with his parents and they are all smokers. They smoke inside their house so I definitely do not want DD anywhere over there. He told me last year he had his own place but later I found out he lied. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe because he knows how inappropriate his parents house is for a newborn.
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MissKittyPurry
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 9:27 AM
I don't speak to her unless I have to. I do greet her hello and tell her thank you if she brings anything for DD. She doesn't say much unless it is to passive aggressively criticize my parenting. She's always stating what babies need as if i don't know and am not doing anything right. I really worry about what will happen if I have to eventually share custody of DD. I wouldn't put it past him and his family to talk negatively about me to my child


Quoting mhaman4:

When you go to court you can also have your lawyer do a ciest and desist order on his mom so she can't speak to you during visits. This can protect you and your child from the negativity that comes with insults or other issues that can come up because she cannot be respectful. Just make sure you watch anything you say to her. If possible don't speak to her unless you have too. She is there because you allow her to be there, so if she cannot show respect you can take away the privliage. 


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jessi2girls
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 9:36 AM
1 mom liked this

until a custody agreement is in place, and bcause he's gone off the deep end it seems.. I would only allow him to come and see DD on the days he has off.. for a limited amount of time, supervised. Whomever has physical custody of the child at this point (or whomever has her at their house) is considered the custodial parent until the courts become involved. If he were to say, take her and refuse to give her back until court, he can legally do so. Send him a time table of when you are both available.. and TRY to make sure somebody else is present when he is over as well!

MissKittyPurry
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 9:52 AM
Thank you. That's exactly what I have been doing and he's never here unsupervised with her because I don't trust him at all. I'm terrified he'll try and take her. There is no way for him to see her more outside his days off because he works 7-5 and cannot get to my house before bedtime. I'm afraid of what kind of trouble that's going to cause once he realizes this. He's coming over in an hour too see DD for a 3 hour block of time. I have errands to get done so it's not like he can be here all day with her and that would be just flat out horrible for me.


Quoting jessi2girls:

until a custody agreement is in place, and bcause he's gone off the deep end it seems.. I would only allow him to come and see DD on the days he has off.. for a limited amount of time, supervised. Whomever has physical custody of the child at this point (or whomever has her at their house) is considered the custodial parent until the courts become involved. If he were to say, take her and refuse to give her back until court, he can legally do so. Send him a time table of when you are both available.. and TRY to make sure somebody else is present when he is over as well!


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MissKittyPurry
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 9:58 AM
He cancelled one visit already because he had to work and later I found out he wasn't working he was at a show with his band. He checked in on Facebook and one of my friends sent me screenshots of his page. He cancelled two other times because he wasn't feeling well. TUrned out he had bronchitis and I had to tell him he couldn't come see her until he was cleared by a doctor. Supposedly been cleared. I seriously cannot believe he would expose a newborn to that kind of virus! But he didn't care that he came to see her and he was that sick. I have a record of all of this. But I wonder if he'll keep this up or eventually fade out of her life.
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