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Single mom of a 10 yr old - dating same person for 8 yrs - NEED ADVICE

Posted by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 4:16 PM
  • 15 Replies

Hello fellow single mothers! I need some advice.  I have been with my current boyfriend for 8 yrs, we do not live together and in fact live about an hour from eachother.  Obviously not engaged either.  I have a 10 yr old daughter that is not his.  He manages to come over once during the week and sometimes on weekends.  We ( or I, depending on if she is at her dads that weekend) will sometimes go there as well to see eachother.  The problem i'm having lately is I really want to move this forward and start a family! He says he does too but is not doing anything to make this happen. Obviously I cannot move there but he is doing nothing to move here.  He says he has a plan but doesn't want to get my hopes up until he has it all figured out.  So I have no idea what this plan is.  That is really starting to bother me.  Then today, he tells me he got tickets to a basketball game ( he is supposed to come over this evening) and so he is not coming over and will be going to that instead.  This means he will not see my daughter for another whole week.  He can't see her this weekned cuase she will be at her dads.  I feel like this should bother him?  It sure does bother me! I realize she is not his child but I also think that her as well as I are being held secondary to everything else in his life. He 9 yrs older than me too so I am surprised that his priorities aren't positioned a little better!  HELP! I need some advice.  I am 28 yrs old, he is 37 - When I first started dating him I feel like I accepted this better but as I'm getting older its beginning to feel like i'm possibly wasting time.  Thank you for reading!!

by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 4:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Diamond2010
by Member on Jan. 9, 2013 at 4:35 PM

Ummm...  Idk if I will be giving you the right advice or not, so I'm hoping that other Cafemom single mothers will reply to your post.  I would say that it's a possibility that he might feel as though he's waiting on the right time to take it  to the next level.  However, I would also say that it's a possibility that he has cold feet as well. So, I will say follow your heart on what you think his reasons are for acting this way.

Two_Hearts
by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 4:41 PM
3 moms liked this
i had to look at your title twice...i thought it was one of my old posts lol. i was in the exact position you are in ...8 yr relationship..10 yr old dd...never lived together. we ended it in Nov 2011...now i have found a man wanting to commit to the both of us and is showing us that he wants this...we have only been together 6 months!
My advice to you hon is to let him go...look at his actions and not his words..it shouldn't take anyone eight years to commit to someone.
And if you do decide to say goodbye to him...make sure its for good...he will try to come back with promises that will never happen...
men like him like the convenience of a relationship..but don't like the responsibility of one.
if you need to talk...your welcomed to pm me.
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Andrewsmom70
by Silver Member on Jan. 9, 2013 at 4:44 PM
8 years is a LONG time without a more firm commitment, IMHO. If it were me, I would have a SERIOUS discussion about what you are looking for and give him a timeline. If he doesn't know what he wants after 8 years and he's 37, he probably will never know.
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MissTuree
by Bronze Member on Jan. 9, 2013 at 5:23 PM

This is perfect and 100% true. I don't even want to add anything because Two_Hearts was already spot on.

Quoting Two_Hearts:

i had to look at your title twice...i thought it was one of my old posts lol. i was in the exact position you are in ...8 yr relationship..10 yr old dd...never lived together. we ended it in Nov 2011...now i have found a man wanting to commit to the both of us and is showing us that he wants this...we have only been together 6 months!
My advice to you hon is to let him go...look at his actions and not his words..it shouldn't take anyone eight years to commit to someone.
And if you do decide to say goodbye to him...make sure its for good...he will try to come back with promises that will never happen...
men like him like the convenience of a relationship..but don't like the responsibility of one.
if you need to talk...your welcomed to pm me.


Chanel5nyc
by Shanell on Jan. 9, 2013 at 8:59 PM
1 mom liked this
Something sounds weird. You and him been together for 8 years and see each other once a week. Either he is married, have another gf or doesn't want to be in a serious relationship.

Move on.
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Mommyto2LilMen
by Tina on Jan. 9, 2013 at 9:35 PM

I agree...you need to do what is best for all of you...you need to be happy with the outcome and it sounsd like he doesn't want the same thing as you.  Good luck hun. 

Quoting Two_Hearts:

i had to look at your title twice...i thought it was one of my old posts lol. i was in the exact position you are in ...8 yr relationship..10 yr old dd...never lived together. we ended it in Nov 2011...now i have found a man wanting to commit to the both of us and is showing us that he wants this...we have only been together 6 months!
My advice to you hon is to let him go...look at his actions and not his words..it shouldn't take anyone eight years to commit to someone.
And if you do decide to say goodbye to him...make sure its for good...he will try to come back with promises that will never happen...
men like him like the convenience of a relationship..but don't like the responsibility of one.
if you need to talk...your welcomed to pm me.


____________________________



tyfry7496
by Janet on Jan. 9, 2013 at 10:06 PM
It's past time to let him go. If he hasn't committed in 8 years, he isn't going to. Break up and move on. Find someone who will become a family with you.
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mz23
by Bronze Member on Jan. 10, 2013 at 1:04 AM
I wouldn't be too happy about that of it wa me. that's a long time I feel that if he wants to take it a step further he already would have, or would.about now. i hate ultimatum s but id prob give him one. Hope everything works out for you though!
Debby29681
by on Jan. 10, 2013 at 8:02 AM
I'm in a similar situation too. My ten and eight year olds are extremely attached to my bf. it's only been two years for us, but he is 12 years older and I'm in my 40s so I think time is an issue. I gave him until the spring. He's definitely gonna commit(I think). Lay it out. Give him a very specific time and stick with it. After eight years I wouldn't give him too much longer though.
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LifeCafe42
by Nora on Jan. 10, 2013 at 8:11 AM
8 years is a long time to wave commitment around. Could there be a compromise and you both move 30 min closer
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