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advice? *long*

Posted by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 6:31 PM
  • 17 Replies

So usually my ex dh and i get along fairly well. We share custody of our 2 boys who are 8 and 6. It's hard to share sometimes. We have no official schedule. The schedule we generally go by is this (sorry it's complicated but trying to explain well so you have the full story): 

Mon: i pick them up from school and keep overnight

Tues: i drop off at school then pick up from school. their dad picks up at 6:30ish.

Wed: he drops them off at school. i pick up from school and keep until church. he picks up from chuch and keeps overnight

thurs: he drops them off at schoool. i pick up from school and keep overnight

fri: i drop off and pick up from school and keep overnight

sat: he picks them up about 4 and keeps overnight

sun: he keeps all day

mon: he drops off at school and it starts all over again

The last couple of months i've felt like this schedule is unfair. He has them 4 nights a week while i only get them 3. His response: tough shit. 

This week i had a baby shower i needed to go to on fri (so it would be best if i didn't take the boys) and the boys have a birthday party on my side of the family to go to on sunday so i asked their dad if we could trade fri for sun for those 2 events. he said yes. we agreed to this weeks ago. apparently he was under the impression he would take them fri evening and keep them until the birthday party sunday. this gyps me out of a whole day (today) from my kids. i feel shorted on top of already feeling shorted. his response: TOUGH SHIT. i feel like he manipulated me out of time with my kids. 

for the sake of keeping peace should i just say oh well? i tried sticking up for myself already but i have no ground to stand on. he said he already had plans for today and if i took them today then i couldn't have them tomorrow. i told him the reason i want them tomorrow is so they can go to the birthday party. that would be unfair to them. then he had the nerve to tell me i dont ever think of the kids, only me and what's best for me. 

idk, what do you ladies think? am i being manipulated or just looking too much into things?


by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 6:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
brieri
by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 7:35 PM
1 mom liked this

 Awww momma it's ok.  Don't burden yourself over the issue that he has them more than you.  Be grateful. Look at the life you have and say, aww I got so much time, that I can do the things I want to do.  simple smileMy kids are taken care of, whether that's true or not is irrelevant.  You have "me time" to spend.  It could be worse and he could have them everyday of the week and you have nothing.

shudderette
by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 8:40 PM

Thank you for the reply! It is true. My kids are well taken care of and loved at both houses. But I still miss them when they're gone. The house feels so empty and quiet. 

I'll take your advice and try to make use of the time I DO have with them. 

Quoting brieri:

 Awww momma it's ok.  Don't burden yourself over the issue that he has them more than you.  Be grateful. Look at the life you have and say, aww I got so much time, that I can do the things I want to do.  simple smileMy kids are taken care of, whether that's true or not is irrelevant.  You have "me time" to spend.  It could be worse and he could have them everyday of the week and you have nothing.


conniejo75
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2013 at 8:51 PM
When we did 50-50 it was similar to your schedule but we traded weekends so one week I would have 5 nights and the next week I had 3 nights. If it works for you guys 90% of the time don't get hung up on those few times it doesn't.
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LifeCafe42
by Nora on Jan. 12, 2013 at 10:36 PM
If its working that's great! Maybe you two can change to an alternating weekend so you have equal days.
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shudderette
by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:12 PM

I've suggested that but he said no. he's complained that the 2 weeknights he gets them are activity nights (boy scouts and church) so he doesn't really get good time with them those nights. I offered to take one of those in exchange for another night but again he's not cooperative. seems like anything I suggest rejects. grrr. 

he said the boys have gone through too many changes. then he said all the changes in the boy's lives in the past year have been on my side (implying that's a bad thing and I need to be more stable) but I reminded him that he moved in a girl friend with 2 other children then had A BABY with her and that's more "change" than I have EVER put them through.

seems like he's having to search for things to complain about. BUT I am lucky that my boys have a dad who wants them so bad! (trying hard to put a positive spin on this)


Quoting LifeCafe42:

If its working that's great! Maybe you two can change to an alternating weekend so you have equal days.


conniejo75
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:20 PM
You deserve weekends to and any mediator/ judge would tell him that. I would demand alternating weekends. That is not asking for more. We did M/T with their dad and W/Th with me... then weekends went fri after school to monday morningf


Quoting shudderette:

I've suggested that but he said no. he's complained that the 2 weeknights he gets them are activity nights (boy scouts and church) so he doesn't really get good time with them those nights. I offered to take one of those in exchange for another night but again he's not cooperative. seems like anything I suggest rejects. grrr. 

he said the boys have gone through too many changes. then he said all the changes in the boy's lives in the past year have been on my side (implying that's a bad thing and I need to be more stable) but I reminded him that he moved in a girl friend with 2 other children then had A BABY with her and that's more "change" than I have EVER put them through.

seems like he's having to search for things to complain about. BUT I am lucky that my boys have a dad who wants them so bad! (trying hard to put a positive spin on this)



Quoting LifeCafe42:

If its working that's great! Maybe you two can change to an alternating weekend so you have equal days.



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shudderette
by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:36 PM

demanding won't get me anywhere, unfortunately. he has absolutely no respect for me. I will try but I don't expect him to agree. and if he doesn't agree then I would have to take him to a mediator or judge to get compliance. I am NOT excited about having to do that. so far we have avoided all forms of court. even the divorce was settled outside of court. course, I got screwed so maybe that wasn't the way to go... just seemed easier to go along with what he wanted. 

Quoting conniejo75:

You deserve weekends to and any mediator/ judge would tell him that. I would demand alternating weekends. That is not asking for more. We did M/T with their dad and W/Th with me... then weekends went fri after school to monday morningf


Quoting shudderette:

I've suggested that but he said no. he's complained that the 2 weeknights he gets them are activity nights (boy scouts and church) so he doesn't really get good time with them those nights. I offered to take one of those in exchange for another night but again he's not cooperative. seems like anything I suggest rejects. grrr. 

he said the boys have gone through too many changes. then he said all the changes in the boy's lives in the past year have been on my side (implying that's a bad thing and I need to be more stable) but I reminded him that he moved in a girl friend with 2 other children then had A BABY with her and that's more "change" than I have EVER put them through.

seems like he's having to search for things to complain about. BUT I am lucky that my boys have a dad who wants them so bad! (trying hard to put a positive spin on this)



Quoting LifeCafe42:

If its working that's great! Maybe you two can change to an alternating weekend so you have equal days.




ispeektrooth
by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:55 PM

So much of what you've posted has been similar in my situation.  Sharing is hard!  After my ex & I separated, I wanted, no NEEDED, my kids with me.  I tried to keep them from their dad as often as I could because I was so lonely without them.  And he's a great dad!  It took me awhile but I realized how selfish I had been.  I was using my own kids to fill that empty hole in my life.  Eventually we worked out a schedule that was fair & equal for both of us.  But first & foremost, we made sure it worked FOR OUR KIDS!  Sounds like you're both selfish with the time you get with your kids, which is fine, except when that selfishness gets in the way of the quality time you're supposed to be spending with them.  Instead of watching the hours go by without them, do things you normally wouldn't when you're with them.  And when you do have them, make the most of it!

My dh now is an awesome dad too.  Can't believe I got so lucky to have 2 great men in my life that truly love their kids & want to be with them.  He has full custody of his daughter.  I had 2 of my own.  Times got hard & I was struggling financially.  So my dds & I moved in w/ him & his daughter.  A few weeks later we found out we were expecting our ds.  So does that make him a bad father because he moved on & made some changes in his life too?  Just because he now has me, my 2 & our son in no way takes away from him being the amazing dad he was before.  My sd mom has just recently became more involved in her life.  She hasn't been the most stable-changing jobs, moving, broke up w/ 1 bf just to move 1 in w/in a months time, changing jobs again, now getting married to a guy she's known less than a year.  See what I mean?  Anyway, she's at least trying to get her life in order.  Maybe you should sit down & try to see it from his perspective.  What have you done (big or small) that has in any way changed the routine of things?

Yeah, your kids are lucky they have people who love them in both homes.  But how do they feel about constantly being juggled back & forth?  How does your & your ex's schedule affect them?  Kids are resilient, sure.  But just looking at your week & trying to imagine how it works makes me exhausted!  Can't imagine how rough it is on the little ones.  A mediator/judge/lawyer can help, of course, but it's gonna cost you big bucks.  Maybe you each should make out the ideal schedules that would work for you (like around your work & activity schedules) & come together, take a look, iron out the differences & make a compromise.  As I stated before, sharing is hard, but because you've both made choices & changes, you just have to deal with it.  Just remember, your kids shouldn't have to suffer for the choices & changes you've both made or for any selfishness you both have exibited.

shudderette
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 1:01 AM

I didn't say that him having a baby with his gf was bad, just that it was a big change for my kids. he was trying to point out the "changes" I had made when his were changes were just as big if not more so. my point in saying that is that his arguments don't even make any sense.

the changes I have made in their lives recently, well, I asked for my son's medication to be switched from bedtime to morning. he wasnt falling asleep as easily as he used to. thought it might be because of the medicine. I asked his dad before we switched it and it's worked out fine. he's sleeping much better now. but now all of a sudden it's a big deal with his dad? huh? the boy doesn't care. I wonder if it's harder for his dad to remember or something. I don't understand why he has brought it up so many times.

and the other change is that I don't work anymore. lost my job in Oct. not my fault. and is actually a good thing for my kids because I'm not as tired and grumpy as I was. I did get married last month but that actually wasn't much of a change. nothing is different except my last name. we'd been living together for over a year. my dh is really good with the boys. he's home and active with the boys when they're here. he has bonded with each of the kids with different things. love of the chiefs and video games, for instance.

you know, life changes for all of us. we need to be able to go with the flow. whatever changes come up for our family in the future we need our boys to be ready to take it on. and I think so far they have take it rather well.

I have wondered if the juggling back and forth is bad for them but so far I think it's working ok. our older son has anxiety issues that are unrelated but otherwise both boys are generally well behaved kids. thst ask occasionally "do we sleep at your house or daddy's tonight?" and I hear "nooo I don't wanna go to daddy's. I wanna stay here" which rips my heart out but I tell them that it's daddy's turn with them and I have to share them with him. i would love to keep them alllll the time but that's not fair. they seem just fine with that explanation. 

and just for the record, I treat his gfs kids like my niece and nephew. I used to think the boy was a bad influence on my sons but since they moved in with my ex his behavior has gotten a ton better. sometimes I pick them up from school for their mom. about once a month I'll let them come over to play fora few hours after school. I encourage their relationship because I know the more people that love them the more encouragement and support my sons will feel and the better they'll do in life. so I assume, anyway :) we'll find out in 15-20 yrs.

Quoting ispeektrooth:

So much of what you've posted has been similar in my situation.  Sharing is hard!  After my ex & I separated, I wanted, no NEEDED, my kids with me.  I tried to keep them from their dad as often as I could because I was so lonely without them.  And he's a great dad!  It took me awhile but I realized how selfish I had been.  I was using my own kids to fill that empty hole in my life.  Eventually we worked out a schedule that was fair & equal for both of us.  But first & foremost, we made sure it worked FOR OUR KIDS!  Sounds like you're both selfish with the time you get with your kids, which is fine, except when that selfishness gets in the way of the quality time you're supposed to be spending with them.  Instead of watching the hours go by without them, do things you normally wouldn't when you're with them.  And when you do have them, make the most of it!

My dh now is an awesome dad too.  Can't believe I got so lucky to have 2 great men in my life that truly love their kids & want to be with them.  He has full custody of his daughter.  I had 2 of my own.  Times got hard & I was struggling financially.  So my dds & I moved in w/ him & his daughter.  A few weeks later we found out we were expecting our ds.  So does that make him a bad father because he moved on & made some changes in his life too?  Just because he now has me, my 2 & our son in no way takes away from him being the amazing dad he was before.  My sd mom has just recently became more involved in her life.  She hasn't been the most stable-changing jobs, moving, broke up w/ 1 bf just to move 1 in w/in a months time, changing jobs again, now getting married to a guy she's known less than a year.  See what I mean?  Anyway, she's at least trying to get her life in order.  Maybe you should sit down & try to see it from his perspective.  What have you done (big or small) that has in any way changed the routine of things?

Yeah, your kids are lucky they have people who love them in both homes.  But how do they feel about constantly being juggled back & forth?  How does your & your ex's schedule affect them?  Kids are resilient, sure.  But just looking at your week & trying to imagine how it works makes me exhausted!  Can't imagine how rough it is on the little ones.  A mediator/judge/lawyer can help, of course, but it's gonna cost you big bucks.  Maybe you each should make out the ideal schedules that would work for you (like around your work & activity schedules) & come together, take a look, iron out the differences & make a compromise.  As I stated before, sharing is hard, but because you've both made choices & changes, you just have to deal with it.  Just remember, your kids shouldn't have to suffer for the choices & changes you've both made or for any selfishness you both have exibited.


Debby29681
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 1:30 AM
1 mom liked this
Omg, that's me. My boys are 8 and 10. We don't have a written schedule because I wanted the divorce over quickly. What we do is ridiculous and now the boys don't even want to be with him. I got an atty. we need a FAIR schedule signed by a judge. My ex is horrible and the angrier he gets about the kids wanting more mommy time, the more mean and selfish he becomes. Good luck . Get a fair schedule from court
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