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Baby Daddy's.....

Posted by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:21 PM
  • 25 Replies

Sooo I am sort of new to the whole "single mom" thing. My ex and I split almost 2 years ago. we have one son together. He is still around, as much as he can be we live 10 hours apart and do month to month with our son. I've always found myself torn on whether or not I like him being part of his son's life or if my son and I would be better off he if he just wasn't in the picture at all. It breaks my heart to think of how hurt my son would be if his dad wanted nothing to do with him...but then again his dad is such a pain in the ass I often think our lives would be a lot less stressful without him in it. My son is 3 so im not even sure if he would even remember his father if he decided to not be around any more. Hes not a bad father he loves his son...but he does have a hard time putting his son before his own needs. He doesn't have to support his son financially when he has him his parents do that for him...he lives with his parents..drives his parents cars etc etc. I think that's why I have such a hard time with letting him go with his dad when I struggle with making sure my son has everything thing he needs. So I guess my question is..Single moms with the dad still around are you glad hes around and apart of your childs life? Or if the father isn't in the picture do you wish he was? Was it your choice he isn't around? or theirs?

by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:21 PM
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Lurion
by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:33 PM
2 moms liked this

Assuming he's not abusive...

Absolutely, without a doubt, it's NOT about what's easier for you. If he chooses to bow out, you can't do anything about that. But it will definitely affect your son not to have his biological father in his life!!! Don't make that mistake. 

Even if your child had no specific memories of him, the presence of his absence will create a void in your son's life. You can't just marry another guy and make him "daddy" like signing over the title to a car. He will ALWAYS wonder and hurt inside. There is so much evidence, so many studies done about this. It really pains me to see how casually many young mothers want to toss the father out of the picture for their own convenience. 

And PS, yes, I speak from experience on both sides--oldest's BD did not have contact, then I married and had 2 more whose dad is very involved. 

RyderMomma09
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 1:32 AM
2 moms liked this

Whoa whoa whoa...I never once said I was going to toss his father out of his life for my own convienence. I never once said it was about what I want....I said I've THOUGHT about what it would be like if he wasnt around. I also stated it would break my heart if his father wasnt in his life...and where you got me making someone else "daddy" to him I have no idea....clearly there was some confusion as to what I was saying and what you were taking out of the post

mytrueloveS
by Lori on Jan. 13, 2013 at 1:38 AM

I always wanted my son's father around, and so far he shows up when he feels like it.  But lately, my ex is being a jerk, he is teaching my son to be very disrespectful towards my bf.  Now I wish he wasn't around.  I know I'm wrong, but it's putting a lot of stress between my bf, my son, and me.    

SexyDiva19
by Alexis on Jan. 13, 2013 at 2:29 AM

 My ex is in and out of the picture and he comes around/calls at his convience or when I contact him. I have tried in the past to allow him to be apart of my son's life but it always ends up backfiring on me so in MY case it is better that I am a single mother and that he does not come around because when he does he just causes problems for me.

He likes to pretend he is interested in being a daddy and while I'm sure he cares about my son, whenever he comes around he plays with my son a little, rubs him on the head and tells him to go play. The conversation then turns to me about who I'm sleeping with and how he heard about this guy and that guy. A bunch of drama and nonsense.

It has been mostly my choice to limit contact as well as I have had restraining orders against him and he can be unstable at times. I never know what attitude I am going to get when he comes around so I try to keep quiet and let things play out.

In your case I haven't read where he is doing anything wrong other than (in your opinion) living with his parents. As long as your son is taken care of, loved and provided for by him I don't see the problem. If you are struggling financially, think of different ways if possible to ease the load. Budget, budget and budget some more until you can pay all the neccessities (food, gas, rent, daycare, etc.) and then go from there. Good Luck!

Ridingsolo
by Bronze Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 6:47 AM

My son is 8 months old, and his father is not involved at all, by mutual choice.  I don't get child support, and he does not get visits. 

I have always believed that a child is better off without his biological father, if the man does not truly care about his child and put the child first.  Better no "father" than a biological father who pops in and out of of his life, or doesn't truly care about him. 

I felt that my son deserved to be surrounded by people who always put his own interests first and care about him.  I told my ex that he could either step up and be a true father, or go on his way and leave me to raise my son myself.  My ex chose to go on his way.  That was the right choice, because he had always lived a very self absorbed lifestyle and never would have wanted or been able to be a real father. 

It is definitely hard being a single parent, but my son is such a happy, bubbly little boy, and I know that I made the right choice for us.  He has a consistent household and consistent parenting. 

It all depends on your situation, though.  It sounds like if your child is already 3 and been seeing his father regularly, you would be in a tough spot to change that at this point. 

sarahmiamaria
by Bronze Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 11:41 AM
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Don't cut the dad out if he isn't doing anything wrong! Seriously, living with his parents is not that big of a deal these days. Leave his personal life out of the equation. As long as he is trying and wanting to be daddy you should let him. I don't care for my sons dad and his lifestyle, but as long as it doesn't spill over into our sons life its none of my business
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LOLOSMOMMY11
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 11:49 AM
I WAS WITH MY SONS FATHER WHEN I GOT PREGNANT BUT IN THOSE MONTHS HE BASICALLY DIDNT DO CRAP FOR ME. I DID EVERYTHING MYSELF WHILE I WAS PREGNANT EVEN DRIVE EVERYWHERE. WHEN THE BABY WAS BORN HE CAME TO SEE HIM 3 TIMES A WEEK AND WAS GIVING ME MONEY WEEKLY. BUT THEN HE BROKE UP WITH ME SAYING THAT HE COULDNT BE ARGUING AND FIGHTING WITH HIS FAMILY OVER SOME GIRL MIND U WE WERE ENGAGED. HE WAS STILL SEEING THE BABY BUT I HATED IT. I DREADED GOING HOME FROM WORK BECAUSE I KNEW IN A FEW HRS HE WAS COMING TO MY HOUSE TO VISIT. I DIDNT HAVE ANY FEELING FOR HIM WHAT SO EVER BUT THE THOUGHT OF HIM ABANDONING HIS SON FOR HIS FAMILY I COULDNT STAND. HE FINALLY STOPPED GIVING ME MONEY AND SEEING THE BABY. AND LET ME TELL YOU ITS THE BEST THING. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW THAT HE IS NOT IN MY SONS LIFE. ITS HARD EXHAUSTED FRUSTRATING AND EVERYTHING ELSE BUT I AM HAPPY TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER BECAUSE HE WAS ALWAYS USELESS. I WISH HE HAD A BETTER FATHER THAT I COULD BE MARRIED TO AND LIVING WITH. BUT NOT WITH HIM. SO I AM DEF HAPPY HE IS NOT AROUND. PLUS AFTER TWO MONTHS OF HIM BREAKING UP WITH ME HE FOUND ANOTHER GIRL AND 6 MTHS LATER GOT HER PREGNANT TOO. HES HAVING A GIRL NOW SOMETHING THIS MONTH.
Lurion
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 11:54 AM

Sincere apologies if I jumped to conclusions--very possible that I went off half-cocked upon reading your post. :) I've been shocked since joining CM, at how many (especially young) mothers are completely casual about excluding their children's fathers from their lives. Usually for immature, stupid reasons like "he walked out on us. wah wah wah" (Well, yea, he was 19 years old with 2 kids...chances were pretty good.) Or "he trashed me on Twitter when we got in a fight"... 

I've seen that pain in my own daughter's eyes and it touched a nerve. This is a pretty strong statement: 

"I've always found myself torn on whether or not I like him being part of his son's life or if my son and I would be better off he if he just wasn't in the picture at all."

So, short answer: I vote NO your son would likely NOT be better off if he just wasn't in the picture at all. As long as there wasn't abuse involved. 

Best of luck and much support to you and your son! 

Quoting RyderMomma09:

Whoa whoa whoa...I never once said I was going to toss his father out of his life for my own convienence. I never once said it was about what I want....I said I've THOUGHT about what it would be like if he wasnt around. I also stated it would break my heart if his father wasnt in his life...and where you got me making someone else "daddy" to him I have no idea....clearly there was some confusion as to what I was saying and what you were taking out of the post


Lurion
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 12:04 PM

With all due respect, your child is 8 months old. You may see things quite differently when he's older. 

Quoting Ridingsolo:

My son is 8 months old, and his father is not involved at all, by mutual choice.  I don't get child support, and he does not get visits. 

I have always believed that a child is better off without his biological father, if the man does not truly care about his child and put the child first.  Better no "father" than a biological father who pops in and out of of his life, or doesn't truly care about him. 

I felt that my son deserved to be surrounded by people who always put his own interests first and care about him.  I told my ex that he could either step up and be a true father, or go on his way and leave me to raise my son myself.  My ex chose to go on his way.  That was the right choice, because he had always lived a very self absorbed lifestyle and never would have wanted or been able to be a real father. 

It is definitely hard being a single parent, but my son is such a happy, bubbly little boy, and I know that I made the right choice for us.  He has a consistent household and consistent parenting. 

It all depends on your situation, though.  It sounds like if your child is already 3 and been seeing his father regularly, you would be in a tough spot to change that at this point. 


RyderMomma09
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 12:23 PM
No worries I probably didn't put it in the best way. I would never actually cut his dad out of his life that wouldn't be fair to my son at all. I've learned to get over my hate for his father and be civil with him for my sons sake. His father did bail on him for a few months and moved across the country for some dumb girl and when that didn't work out he decided to move back and start seeing his son again. He still puts his relationships before his son which angers me to no end but there's nothing I can do about that...I just tell myself as my son gets older he will be able to figure out if he wants to be around his father or not. I'm not going to force him if he doesn't want to. That's a whole other issue tho! Thanks for listening!!


Quoting Lurion:

Sincere apologies if I jumped to conclusions--very possible that I went off half-cocked upon reading your post. :) I've been shocked since joining CM, at how many (especially young) mothers are completely casual about excluding their children's fathers from their lives. Usually for immature, stupid reasons like "he walked out on us. wah wah wah" (Well, yea, he was 19 years old with 2 kids...chances were pretty good.) Or "he trashed me on Twitter when we got in a fight"... 

I've seen that pain in my own daughter's eyes and it touched a nerve. This is a pretty strong statement: 

"I've always found myself torn on whether or not I like him being part of his son's life or if my son and I would be better off he if he just wasn't in the picture at all."

So, short answer: I vote NO your son would likely NOT be better off if he just wasn't in the picture at all. As long as there wasn't abuse involved. 

Best of luck and much support to you and your son! 


Quoting RyderMomma09:

Whoa whoa whoa...I never once said I was going to toss his father out of his life for my own convienence. I never once said it was about what I want....I said I've THOUGHT about what it would be like if he wasnt around. I also stated it would break my heart if his father wasnt in his life...and where you got me making someone else "daddy" to him I have no idea....clearly there was some confusion as to what I was saying and what you were taking out of the post



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