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Single Moms Single Moms

Sooo I am sort of new to the whole "single mom" thing. My ex and I split almost 2 years ago. we have one son together. He is still around, as much as he can be we live 10 hours apart and do month to month with our son. I've always found myself torn on whether or not I like him being part of his son's life or if my son and I would be better off he if he just wasn't in the picture at all. It breaks my heart to think of how hurt my son would be if his dad wanted nothing to do with him...but then again his dad is such a pain in the ass I often think our lives would be a lot less stressful without him in it. My son is 3 so im not even sure if he would even remember his father if he decided to not be around any more. Hes not a bad father he loves his son...but he does have a hard time putting his son before his own needs. He doesn't have to support his son financially when he has him his parents do that for him...he lives with his parents..drives his parents cars etc etc. I think that's why I have such a hard time with letting him go with his dad when I struggle with making sure my son has everything thing he needs. So I guess my question is..Single moms with the dad still around are you glad hes around and apart of your childs life? Or if the father isn't in the picture do you wish he was? Was it your choice he isn't around? or theirs?

by on Jan. 12, 2013 at 11:21 PM
Replies (11-20):
RyderMomma09
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 12:24 PM
1 mom liked this
No worries I probably didn't put it in the best way. I would never actually cut his dad out of his life that wouldn't be fair to my son at all. I've learned to get over my hate for his father and be civil with him for my sons sake. His father did bail on him for a few months and moved across the country for some dumb girl and when that didn't work out he decided to move back and start seeing his son again. He still puts his relationships before his son which angers me to no end but there's nothing I can do about that...I just tell myself as my son gets older he will be able to figure out if he wants to be around his father or not. I'm not going to force him if he doesn't want to. That's a whole other issue tho! Thanks for listening!!


Quoting Lurion:

Sincere apologies if I jumped to conclusions--very possible that I went off half-cocked upon reading your post. :) I've been shocked since joining CM, at how many (especially young) mothers are completely casual about excluding their children's fathers from their lives. Usually for immature, stupid reasons like "he walked out on us. wah wah wah" (Well, yea, he was 19 years old with 2 kids...chances were pretty good.) Or "he trashed me on Twitter when we got in a fight"... 

I've seen that pain in my own daughter's eyes and it touched a nerve. This is a pretty strong statement: 

"I've always found myself torn on whether or not I like him being part of his son's life or if my son and I would be better off he if he just wasn't in the picture at all."

So, short answer: I vote NO your son would likely NOT be better off if he just wasn't in the picture at all. As long as there wasn't abuse involved. 

Best of luck and much support to you and your son! 


Quoting RyderMomma09:

Whoa whoa whoa...I never once said I was going to toss his father out of his life for my own convienence. I never once said it was about what I want....I said I've THOUGHT about what it would be like if he wasnt around. I also stated it would break my heart if his father wasnt in his life...and where you got me making someone else "daddy" to him I have no idea....clearly there was some confusion as to what I was saying and what you were taking out of the post



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Mocking.Jay
by ★Krista★ on Jan. 13, 2013 at 1:06 PM
3 moms liked this
Oh my god, this is ridiculous! Just because there are studies done doesn't mean it applies to all children of single parents.

There are some damn good mothers in this group who have never gone out of their way to make the father be involved or give him a chance. You leave things the way they are. Your children will be fine! It's hard work but if you are consistent and give extra love, a single mother can bring up a pretty normal child with no problems.

Studies are just garbage.


Quoting Lurion:

Assuming he's not abusive...

Absolutely, without a doubt, it's NOT about what's easier for you. If he chooses to bow out, you can't do anything about that. But it will definitely affect your son not to have his biological father in his life!!! Don't make that mistake. 

Even if your child had no specific memories of him, the presence of his absence will create a void in your son's life. You can't just marry another guy and make him "daddy" like signing over the title to a car. He will ALWAYS wonder and hurt inside. There is so much evidence, so many studies done about this. It really pains me to see how casually many young mothers want to toss the father out of the picture for their own convenience. 

And PS, yes, I speak from experience on both sides--oldest's BD did not have contact, then I married and had 2 more whose dad is very involved. 

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Kid_Cat_Mom2005
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 1:43 PM
For me, it helps having set rules for visitation. With my ex, and through court orders, he is the one to call to set up visitation. I will not call to ask if he wants to visit his son. We meet in a public place and only talk about ds. So it leaves the choice up to him weather he wants to be involved in his life or not.
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Ridingsolo
by Bronze Member on Jan. 13, 2013 at 1:52 PM
I'll never want my son near someone who has admitted that he wished he were never born. There are much better role models around and my son will have much better values than to want to be around a man who ditched him. I do understand your opinion though and you're entitled.


Quoting Lurion:

With all due respect, your child is 8 months old. You may see things quite differently when he's older. 


Quoting Ridingsolo:

My son is 8 months old, and his father is not involved at all, by mutual choice.  I don't get child support, and he does not get visits. 


I have always believed that a child is better off without his biological father, if the man does not truly care about his child and put the child first.  Better no "father" than a biological father who pops in and out of of his life, or doesn't truly care about him. 


I felt that my son deserved to be surrounded by people who always put his own interests first and care about him.  I told my ex that he could either step up and be a true father, or go on his way and leave me to raise my son myself.  My ex chose to go on his way.  That was the right choice, because he had always lived a very self absorbed lifestyle and never would have wanted or been able to be a real father. 


It is definitely hard being a single parent, but my son is such a happy, bubbly little boy, and I know that I made the right choice for us.  He has a consistent household and consistent parenting. 


It all depends on your situation, though.  It sounds like if your child is already 3 and been seeing his father regularly, you would be in a tough spot to change that at this point. 



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katemarie97
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 2:14 PM

for six months my sons father who is also my estranged husband or was, had nothing to do with our son, he didnt come around or even pay me support, then so then yes, I felt that my son would be better off without ever knowing him. Around Thanksgiving he started coming around again and it made me change my mind. He is actually a great dad when he comes around, so for now I'm just giving him a chance and we'll see where it goes, but I never wanted my son to feel that I kept him from his real father.

MamaT710
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 2:41 PM

Single moms with the dad still around are you glad hes around and apart of your childs life?

DS5- I am only glad BF is around cause my DS loves him, if it were up to me he would not be a part of his life as in your situation he is only there when it is managable for him and he uses everyone he is around to get him by in life. 

Or if the father isn't in the picture do you wish he was?

DS9- BF is not in picture, he was around a dozen or so times between ages 1 1/2  & 3 1/2, life is easier not having him around then being a BF like DS5.

Was it your choice he isn't around? or theirs?

Both DS's fathers arent around or only around by THEIR own choices.  I wish they were around as fathers should be for their children especially with them being boys, but I can't make them be or do something they dont want to be a part of.

Childofares
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 3:11 PM
1 mom liked this

My sons father is not around. He hasn't seen his father since he was 6 months old so absolutely no memory of him. I actually prefer it. My son has very strong male influences that are GOOD influences. The whole post above about studies and holes in the heart is bull. There may be a few tricky spots and questions but it's better a kid be loved unconditionally by the people around him than not be given a crap about by a man who was lucky enough to have a fast swimmer. It takes more than photocopying your DNA to be a parent. Just saying.

Mocking.Jay
by ★Krista★ on Jan. 13, 2013 at 4:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I also don't agree with letting the dad be involved whenever he wants, regardless of his rights. The law says he is obligated to be able to see his child, but if you can get into his conscience and tell him to FUCK OFF, a SMART "dad" will listen and go. 

The only time it's against the law is when the father insists to see his child, but for the most part, you HARDLY ever come across a guy who is intelligent enough to know his rights. Also, the harder you make it for him to communicate with the child, the less interested they are in wanting to be involved after thinking it's convenient for THEM.

It's not right, but if it's done properly and you aren't violating his intentions to want to see the child, then it's not against any law or violating a court order/visitation.

Quoting Childofares:

My sons father is not around. He hasn't seen his father since he was 6 months old so absolutely no memory of him. I actually prefer it. My son has very strong male influences that are GOOD influences. The whole post above about studies and holes in the heart is bull. There may be a few tricky spots and questions but it's better a kid be loved unconditionally by the people around him than not be given a crap about by a man who was lucky enough to have a fast swimmer. It takes more than photocopying your DNA to be a parent. Just saying.


Lurion
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 7:19 PM

That's how I felt when my girl was a baby.

Young men panic and walk away. Young women screw around with young men who they believe are committed and in love, then become not good role models. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, they affect our children. Let's touch base in 20 years. lol


Quoting Ridingsolo:

I'll never want my son near someone who has admitted that he wished he were never born. There are much better role models around and my son will have much better values than to want to be around a man who ditched him. I do understand your opinion though and you're entitled.


Quoting Lurion:

With all due respect, your child is 8 months old. You may see things quite differently when he's older. 


Quoting Ridingsolo:

My son is 8 months old, and his father is not involved at all, by mutual choice.  I don't get child support, and he does not get visits. 


I have always believed that a child is better off without his biological father, if the man does not truly care about his child and put the child first.  Better no "father" than a biological father who pops in and out of of his life, or doesn't truly care about him. 


I felt that my son deserved to be surrounded by people who always put his own interests first and care about him.  I told my ex that he could either step up and be a true father, or go on his way and leave me to raise my son myself.  My ex chose to go on his way.  That was the right choice, because he had always lived a very self absorbed lifestyle and never would have wanted or been able to be a real father. 


It is definitely hard being a single parent, but my son is such a happy, bubbly little boy, and I know that I made the right choice for us.  He has a consistent household and consistent parenting. 


It all depends on your situation, though.  It sounds like if your child is already 3 and been seeing his father regularly, you would be in a tough spot to change that at this point. 




Lurion
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 7:26 PM

My DD is now 22, and is more than "pretty normal" (of course I'm a bit biased!). She's brilliant, kind, loving, articulate, got a 1570 on her SAT and is now graduating from college with honors. 

And it was deeply hurtful to her that her father wasn't in her life. I realize now how selfish and prideful it was of me to walk away and say "I can do this alone" (I could) rather than make an effort to include him. 

Doesn't mean children without father's can't  function,  I think a lot of young mothers are really fooling themselves if they think it has no bearing on ones emotional development.  And yes, I do believe studies matter. There have been many, many on this subject. 

Quoting Mocking.Jay:

Oh my god, this is ridiculous! Just because there are studies done doesn't mean it applies to all children of single parents.

There are some damn good mothers in this group who have never gone out of their way to make the father be involved or give him a chance. You leave things the way they are. Your children will be fine! It's hard work but if you are consistent and give extra love, a single mother can bring up a pretty normal child with no problems.

Studies are just garbage.


Quoting Lurion:

Assuming he's not abusive...

Absolutely, without a doubt, it's NOT about what's easier for you. If he chooses to bow out, you can't do anything about that. But it will definitely affect your son not to have his biological father in his life!!! Don't make that mistake. 

Even if your child had no specific memories of him, the presence of his absence will create a void in your son's life. You can't just marry another guy and make him "daddy" like signing over the title to a car. He will ALWAYS wonder and hurt inside. There is so much evidence, so many studies done about this. It really pains me to see how casually many young mothers want to toss the father out of the picture for their own convenience. 

And PS, yes, I speak from experience on both sides--oldest's BD did not have contact, then I married and had 2 more whose dad is very involved. 


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