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Single Moms Single Moms

angry at child because of his Father!

Hi my name is nicole and I am a single mother. I have 2 children an 8 year old boy Deven and an almost 2 year old daughter. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughters father but the same cant be said about my sons. I feel like I am disconnected from my son because I HATE his father. When I got pregnant it was a total SURPRISE. I was not ready for children and I for sure didnt want to have kids with this man. He was just supposed to be a fun time... well as it tuned out I would be stuck with him in my life forever. He never really tried very hard to be a part of Devens life but was in and out. Hes an alcoholic and when we were together we would fight daily. It got to the point that everyday I would tell him I Fu**ing hate you! he was mentally abusive and threw a coffee table at me once. That was the end of things. I made him move out, but ever since then it feels like my relationship with my son has always been a challenge. I LOVE him with all my heart but a lot of times I dont like him. He looks and acts just like his dad and I am not sure how to get past this. Now his father and I have been seperated for 7 years and I still feel this way. I need help on ways that I can feel the same love for my son as I do for my daughter. I want so bad to hug him and feel that warm fuzzy feeling that I do when I hug my daughter. Maybe its because my son and I are very alike in that we are stubborn, bullheads, we yell and argue.. (we are Italian Lol) we do a lot sit and have civil conversations and hes a great kid. Smart, most times honest and polite gets good grades and so on  but I just dont feel the same connection. Anyone have any idea what I am talking about?

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:12 PM
Replies (11-19):
MsLogansMommy
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 5:16 PM
1 mom liked this

also try to look for individual qualities your child has that arent like father or mother. My dd is like an exact replicate of her father and she is sooo different than me we are not a good match and sometimes i am so resentful. she has adhd which makes it even harder especially since im the type that can sit in one spot and read for hours she is fidgety and bouncing off the walls center of attention drives me nuts just like her dad but I try to find qualities in her that are not like either of us things that make her unique

Lita5202
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 6:18 PM

 This exactly!!!!!


Quoting AO-88:

Get counseling and get over it. Fun time or not you chose to sleep with that person and who he was and yOu got Pregnant. That's your kid he can't help his genes or father. It's not his fault. I know you love him but you should seek counseling so you can like him too. Good luck. This wasn't meant to bash, just tough love.


 

jgomez80
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 6:31 PM

I have the same hostile relationship with my ex husband, lately my kids have also been showing the same mannerisms my ex husband shows me. As much as it hurts or upsets me I have to remain the adult and realize that they're being tug and pulled between the two of us. I currently have a counselor coming to the house to speak with the boys so they can get their excessive feelings out. I'd suggest the same for your son and even you. It'll help the both of you understand each other a lot better.. Good luck and keep us posted.


mz23
by Bronze Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:28 PM
1 mom liked this

im sure she  tried to get  it. ugh i hate when people say that as if your trying not to get over it? i dont really know what to say. my dd is still a baby and her father is a complete idiot. no way will she come out like him . lol. i hope things get better for you and ur son.

AshariahsMom
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:24 PM

 Dear friend. I do not understand how you could be angry at your son because no matter what you went through with his dad, he is a part of you. If his father is not present in his life or helpful, join the club because sadly alot of men aren't. While not intentionally, you are basically making differences between your children and as another mom said, he is innocent. He deserves the same love as your daughter. I would strongly recommend counseling although it isn't always helpful if you are not willing to mentally change your thought pattern. If you want him to grow up and feel "disconnected" then continue to do as you please because at his age I am posistive he feels the "vibe" from you. maybe it is because he is a male, find other ways to deal with the whole bad dad thing because at the end of the day , your son did not ask to be born and he deserves just as much as your daughter and I don't mean materialisitc things.

camommy08
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:45 AM
1 mom liked this

well like everyone get counseling. Find someone who will help both of you. Cause Im sure by now you son can tell the differance in yours and his relationship compared to his sister and yours. Maybe you can do special events with him. I know with my daughter sometimes I cook or bake with her, do art projects. Maybe you can do soemthing like that. SOmething he loves to do. You def need to build your and his relationship. Look at him and find things that make him him. and not his father. Like if he has his father temper think oh but  my son has his own laugh or something like that. Make him your son and seperate his personality from his father. I hope this make sense. And helps.

LifeCafe42
by Nora on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:25 AM
Agreed my son isn't his father he is his own person. Find the things that make him unique

Quoting AO-88:

Get counseling and get over it. Fun time or not you chose to sleep with that person and who he was and yOu got Pregnant. That's your kid he can't help his genes or father. It's not his fault. I know you love him but you should seek counseling so you can like him too. Good luck. This wasn't meant to bash, just tough love.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Roses1977
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:36 AM
1 mom liked this

Hi Nicola

I dont know if you get to see this but i do understand your predicament as in some ways i was is similar situation. My relationship with ex was strained .He was a controlling man and while i was trying to end our relationship he had cunning planned for me to fall pregnant.The realization of which only sunk in when we were sitting in front of a midwife and as my periods had been erratic and i could not say when i had concieved he brought out his diary.

I found it hard to come to terms with especially as i knew the risks of medication i had been taking. It did affect at first my relationship with her and yes she does share his charateristics. However i realised it was not her fault but the situation we were in. I found ways to bond and once i was free of her father it became slightly more easier.As a child she was the innocent party.

 I found working through this in small steps helped. I would spend qualtity one on one time with her so i could get to know my daughter in order to allow her own personality to shine through. Reading bedtime stories to her helped aswell ones that i could make mine own up and let free our own imagination as im sure your son could equally share his with you on a different level.I also found we had a lot in common our love for music ,dancing and art soon our relationship grew and flourished.Dont get me wrong we  have ourr moments but i can honestly say the bond is strong.I guess she found it hard to accept why her dad and i split and i would not discuss the matter for me i have alway's believed a child should be seperate from a split understandably hard as i know from my past experience that peoples feelings can taint a childs emotional development.

I also managed a break for her and myself last year to a Justin beiber concert which was not my cup of tea but i cannot begin to tell you the difference it made to our relationship she has even converted me to appreciate some of his songs but i draw the line at mc fly xx

I Hope this helps if ever you need to talk or vent email me on here

Jacquie

Tish_Hughes
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 12:29 PM
Can't say that I do but you chose to have him. Deal with it.
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