It's been awhile since I've broken down and just cryed. I was at the bottom at that time like the very bottom homeless sleeping in the car bottom. Now I'm in a shelter appartment for another two and half months. I'm bery thankful for where I am now, with that being said over the last three days things have been getting to me and I don't know why, maybe it's the lack of support or the feeling of being stuck I don't know but I would really like to talk to someone about and well I almost don't care about what is said to me about it, I would like support but realise not everyone is so willing to give it. Some of this is learn over the last few days. with that being said her is what I am talking about.
Let me start at the beginning, one morning I was having a pretty good morning after just talking to my bf previous night, even though I'm sick with a chest cold and I have the onset of a head old; when my second brother of four messages me to tell me that I am a "slutty whore who should die in a hole". I'm upset hurt so I'm trying to call my mom not to see if she can talk to my brother becuase she can't (another story) but becuase I need that ressurance that my own brother is being an ass and is wrong I need that comfort KWIM? She doesn't give mostly becuase she dosen't realise he's broken part of my heart. I know my sister has a lot to do with why he said it but no matter it's truely hurt me like no other. I could careless about who calls me a slut besides family, they don't do that. It hurts to still hear that my sister tells people I am becuase I am bi, it's another for your brother to do it becuase it is mad at you for whatever bizzar reason. Like I said I'm hurt and she tells me to "ignore him, your not" and hangs up. I then call my first brother he helps me have that reassurance feeling, we talk for a while and I let him go do his thing. My brother's and I have a very close bond, I would take my brother with me wedding shopping before I'd take my dad, I love my brothers as any sister should, I don't want to see them hurt. But it happens, I have helped raise them.
My sick day treads on I turn the tv on cars for my son I sit on the couch and watch him as he plays and watches tv. I await a friend who is suppose to be coming over so I can get things done around town, he is barrowing my car. I don't have a license he does, so he barrows the car, and in return to drive me around, eventually I figure no show. Around seven that night I go to our room (my son's and mine) to lay down for a bit becuase my head is just killing me. Between seven-thirty and seven-fifty my son decides to get into nesqick powder. I clean most of it up before going to bed after I get him to sleep. I'm just feeling cruddy and want to sleep. Yesterday comes and most of the day is alright except for bed, always bed, it's a two hour fight just to get him to go to bed. Finally he's asleep. Then today, woke up to find my eyes "glued shut", went to my doctors appt (specialized dr), got home cleaned up the majority of the rest of the powder and made food.
I've been so overwhelemed, I believe ds has a sinus infection, I believe I have pink eye, I need to call my attorney but am not sure why I wont, I need to get my medcine from the pharmacy, I need grocerys, ds has a CT scan from possible teathered spinal cord and I"m freaking out about it. On one hand I'll know what is wrong on another it's not something that will be "fixable". I'm straped for cash becuase I was laid off and TANF still hasn't called me. I don't know what to do cry or pray I almost feel like doing both but I need a hand to hold or a hug I need a human being to talk to, I need more support. Which brings me to I moved to Oregon becuase I can actually make it all work down here becuase the cost of living is so much better, but I hardly have the support I had in WA. My whole family lives in WA if I needed a break from my son for whatever reason I could get it. Now I have to plan a month or more to get it. I can move back but the taxes there are outragous along with the rent. Which brings me to I could get a decent but great but decent paying job in WA making $14 an hour, or I can finish going to school. I'm kinda at loss here I am ready to finish school make the comentiment it takes becuase the outcome would be a $20 hour job which is a good job. I just don't know what to do, one had in one state school counts as working while In another it doesn't.
Sorry this is so long I'm just lik I said overwhelmed, not sure what to do on somethings and on others well.... it's kinda obvious what I have to do.