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MIA Father...How to answer a 3yr old where her father is???

My kid has seen her father a few times but it doesn't seem he will be around for a while, who knows. But I need to know how to explain to my kid where her biological father is? Or do I not say anything? I don't really know what to say since 1. I want to make sure what I say doesn't negatively affect her because I had a "sperm donor" that diched his kids to live a stressfree life and left his ex to deal with all his kids on her own. 2. I don't know if my childs biological father will resurface in her life because nothing was really agreed upon the last time we spoke. But she has been asking for a while. I don't want to talk negatively about him because she should be allowed to make up her mind about him and two I feel like she shouldn't have to deal with the negative feelings. She is three and I'm lost as far as telling her he lives close just chooses not to be a part of your life. I thought about the," your father died in battle" and all those lines BUT the truth always comes out and I'd rather her know Mommy always was truthful with me than her feel like she has no one she can trust. I'm so lost with what to tell her that won't cause a wound that will take forever to heal or may never heal. Advice???



Thank you
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:44 AM
Replies (11-20):
LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:32 PM
My daughter once called a cardboard cut out at the msll of Tommy Hilfiger Daddy. She now knows who he is and asks about him. Once she got upset and told me she wanted her daddy. After the last time she saw him she said "mommy my daddy loves me again"she was about 3months from turning 3. That broke my heart and made me realize she is aware who he is and that he isn't there. Broke my heart! I'm hoping I can give her a good one parent home that won't leave her to hurt by the situation.


Quoting momma1708:

I agree with Mocking Jay. You have to honest in a sense that your child can understand. My son didn't start asking till he was 4. I explained to him that his dad knew how to contact him but he was chosing not to. I don't know how to contact his father or that side of his family. They have all dissapeared on both my kids. His dad has a new family and that is fine with me. My son does say things now like "I think my Daddy is dead..." He gets very sad at that thought. I always tell him that if that was the case then we would know about it. He told a department store Santa that his daddy doesn't want to see him. It all makes me very sad. He is 5, and he will be starting therapy on Wednesday. 

I have given him the pictures I have of his dad and myself and him. I have set aside some for my daughter as well. She is only 2 so she doesn't know the difference she was 1 the last time she saw him and DS was 3. It was a month before DS turned 4 when he saw his dad last. 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
momma1708
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:23 PM
1 mom liked this

DS used to tell me that his daddy was nicer than me. At the time he would see him maybe once a month. I didn't say anything about it. He has never said anything like that again. 

It is very heart breaking to hear those things. When DS and I had the big talk about it all, I told him that I would give him pictures. He said "Really?! Now I can remember what my daddy looks like!" I wanted to cry so bad. A child shouldn't have to go through that. 


Quoting LaBelladreamer:

My daughter once called a cardboard cut out at the msll of Tommy Hilfiger Daddy. She now knows who he is and asks about him. Once she got upset and told me she wanted her daddy. After the last time she saw him she said "mommy my daddy loves me again"she was about 3months from turning 3. That broke my heart and made me realize she is aware who he is and that he isn't there. Broke my heart! I'm hoping I can give her a good one parent home that won't leave her to hurt by the situation.


Quoting momma1708:

I agree with Mocking Jay. You have to honest in a sense that your child can understand. My son didn't start asking till he was 4. I explained to him that his dad knew how to contact him but he was chosing not to. I don't know how to contact his father or that side of his family. They have all dissapeared on both my kids. His dad has a new family and that is fine with me. My son does say things now like "I think my Daddy is dead..." He gets very sad at that thought. I always tell him that if that was the case then we would know about it. He told a department store Santa that his daddy doesn't want to see him. It all makes me very sad. He is 5, and he will be starting therapy on Wednesday. 

I have given him the pictures I have of his dad and myself and him. I have set aside some for my daughter as well. She is only 2 so she doesn't know the difference she was 1 the last time she saw him and DS was 3. It was a month before DS turned 4 when he saw his dad last. 




KayAndKen
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:04 AM
1 mom liked this
If you didn't chose that father, you wouldn't have that daughter. Everything happens for a reason.
LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:13 AM
1 mom liked this
Yes. No child should have to deal with feeling like they did something wrong or they aren't enough. I'm trying to let go off the guilt and of what isn't in my control to change but it's hard knowing one day she will understand he chose not to be there. I hope I am overthinking this and the affect isn't bad at all. Reason I asked on here is because everyone I ask is like of this happens all the time, like it's no big deal but to me it is a big deal answering her question the best and softest way possible. To me it's extremely important to know how to handle and answer the question.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:17 AM
Thank you! I try to remind myself of that. I don't regret my relationship with bio father mostly because it resulted in my daughter. She just got a bad end of the deal as far as the bio father but hopefully I can make it up.


Quoting KayAndKen:

If you didn't chose that father, you wouldn't have that daughter. Everything happens for a reason.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
proudmother5946
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 3:46 AM
1 mom liked this
Quoting LaBelladreamer:



He was about 8. I just answered his questions and didn't badmouth his biodad.
So then when he decided to pop back in the picture 18 years later I let my son make the decision if he wanted to contact him. He moved in with dear old dad to get to know him. It was a disaster. I retrospect I should never had told my son that he called. He didn't want a son, he wanted someone to support him.
sweetanjell
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 9:36 AM
1 mom liked this

i have the same problem my 5 yr old ask me why is dad is in jail but do not know toanwer that do you gals have any ideas

Iamlindsey
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:04 PM
1 mom liked this

oooh dont say he died in battle 4sure

LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 7:57 PM
I guess what it comes down to is knowing your kid to help you find the right words and also being honest. I would like to know the right words to use but seems like everyones situation is different so different explanations. But if someone out there still has advice, I am definitely open to all advice.


Quoting sweetanjell:

i have the same problem my 5 yr old ask me why is dad is in jail but do not know toanwer that do you gals have any ideas


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Caramel824
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Quoting momma1708:


I GUESS I'm wrong,WRONG,Rong!!!I'm hurt and angry that I have taken care of my children ALONE,but they go to court and LIE,don't pay me nothing,I'm NOT sugar coating this for mine I tell them alot nicer than what my mom told me.I say they are off trying tO find themselves or the lord ,knowing they at the club or sum chicks house!!!!!!!!It's taking PRAYER,HOLY WATER,church to get rid of my ANGER!!
CARAMEL824
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