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MIA Father...How to answer a 3yr old where her father is???

My kid has seen her father a few times but it doesn't seem he will be around for a while, who knows. But I need to know how to explain to my kid where her biological father is? Or do I not say anything? I don't really know what to say since 1. I want to make sure what I say doesn't negatively affect her because I had a "sperm donor" that diched his kids to live a stressfree life and left his ex to deal with all his kids on her own. 2. I don't know if my childs biological father will resurface in her life because nothing was really agreed upon the last time we spoke. But she has been asking for a while. I don't want to talk negatively about him because she should be allowed to make up her mind about him and two I feel like she shouldn't have to deal with the negative feelings. She is three and I'm lost as far as telling her he lives close just chooses not to be a part of your life. I thought about the," your father died in battle" and all those lines BUT the truth always comes out and I'd rather her know Mommy always was truthful with me than her feel like she has no one she can trust. I'm so lost with what to tell her that won't cause a wound that will take forever to heal or may never heal. Advice???



Thank you
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:44 AM
Replies (21-30):
Pessema
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 9:58 PM
2 moms liked this

No matter what you tell her there will eventually be pain. It's unavoidable. It is better to tell her the truth, but only when she starts asking & you are right for not wanting to talk negatively about him. That will only hurt your image later. My mother had to explain it to me when I was young, it hurt in jr high & that was about it because she was honest & assured me it wasn't my fault. I would just tell her that he's not there because he didn't want a family. Later when she is older you can explain a little more when she asks. You also need to decide now if you are going to let him reappear (which will be a mistake if hes not there to stay.) It will be much harder to explain why he wasn't there then he came back & left again.  Also if he doesn't do anything to help for a year  I believe he no longer would have rights (check the laws in your state) and get him on child abandonment. 

momma1708
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:12 PM
2 moms liked this


I am sorry.... I don't know what it is you are wrong about? I am sorry you are going through whatever it is you are going through. I know how it feels to be angry at these dads who are MIA. It has taken me a long time to get over my anger, and I am not fully there but I have learned that it is time to move on with my life and not let what he does or doesn't do for my children get to me. Doing that only brings pain to you and your children. He abandoned them, I did not and you did not do that to yours. In order to get child support you need to contact the child support enforcement office in your state and they will take care of it. 

Quoting Caramel824:

Quoting momma1708:


I GUESS I'm wrong,WRONG,Rong!!!I'm hurt and angry that I have taken care of my children ALONE,but they go to court and LIE,don't pay me nothing,I'm NOT sugar coating this for mine I tell them alot nicer than what my mom told me.I say they are off trying tO find themselves or the lord ,knowing they at the club or sum chicks house!!!!!!!!It's taking PRAYER,HOLY WATER,church to get rid of my ANGER!!



Lurion
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:13 PM
1 mom liked this

Don't tell her he died for sure! 

Very wise: I'd rather her know Mommy always was truthful with me than her feel like she has no one she can trust.

No matter what you tell her, she will feel his absence. :(

I told dd that someone helped me make her and that he was a really great guy and he lives in _____. 

Then I gave her all kinds of crap about how there are different kinds of families, some with a mommy and daddy some with a grandma, etc. etc. 

When she was 6 she burst out bawling and said "well, if he's such a great guy, why did he leave me without a daddy?"

As she got older, she understood more but it doesn't hurt any less. I got married when she was 6 and thought he would be "daddy." Not so simple.

You can just be honest and say you don't understand why he does what he does, because she is the biggest joy of your life and you can't imagine a day without her. 

Nothing you say will take away the hurt. If you are in contact with him, I'd try to talk to him. Maybe he's comfortable with at least a Christmas and birthday card? Does anyone in his family have any interest at all? Even the grandma? 

Lots of hugs your way. 

Caramel824
by Bronze Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:26 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm wrong because I don't talk nice about these low life's I picked,my son deals with his father and my daughter doesn't want anything to do with her dad.he's not there and he don't care about me,so I don't care about him!!!I say he's Muslim he doesn't believe in Jesus,so he doesn't care for anything.but the devil.my daughter said mom I want to go to church,I gave her money for the collection plate.only GOD can fix this mess.
momma1708
by Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:52 AM
1 mom liked this


Which is very true but sometimes he is trying to work through you.  It is your choice to speak bad or not. I choose not to because I don't believe it is fair. My parents are divorced and I don't like it when they talk bad about each other, I know how my ex got after his mom talked bad about his bio-dad. He hated a man he never knew. I don't want my kids to have hate in their hearts for someone they don't really know. One day if my kids want to find their dad, I will help them look or I would like to think that I would help them look. Regardless of every bad thing he has done, regardless of how he left them, he is still their bio-dad and they are always going to have that place in their hearts. I may meet a guy that will fill that place and it may never be an issue. 

IMO not speaking bad about their dads isn't caring about the dads (which again is your choice to do so or not) it is more caring for your kids. I hate that my parents always have bad things to about each other. I am an adult and if they want to talk crap about it each they have friends and my dad has his wife. I am their daughter and I don't want to hear it. My mom and my oldersister have caused my youngest sister to not want to have anything to do with our dad. It isn't like he isn't around, he cares and he wants to spend time with her but she doesn't want to see him. The only time she calls or sees him is when she needs him to take her shopping. IMO... and it is just my opinion.... The child should have a chance to develop their own opinion on their parents. It sounds like your daughter has hers. 

Quoting Caramel824:

I'm wrong because I don't talk nice about these low life's I picked,my son deals with his father and my daughter doesn't want anything to do with her dad.he's not there and he don't care about me,so I don't care about him!!!I say he's Muslim he doesn't believe in Jesus,so he doesn't care for anything.but the devil.my daughter said mom I want to go to church,I gave her money for the collection plate.only GOD can fix this mess.



lancet98
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 9:16 AM
3 moms liked this

Where is Daddy?  Daddy went away.  

When will he come back?  I don't know.

Will you go away?   Nope, you have me forever.

Why did Daddy go away?  I don't know.

When she is older, you might say something like what my friend told her daughter, that you loved Dad very much and wanted to have a family with him, but he just wasn't ready to settle down and have a family.   When you got pregnant, you knew you were ready to have a family, and you were sad for a little while, that her dad wasn't ready.    

But now you and her are a family, and that you are very happy about that.   And maybe some day Dad will come around and be surprised to find a beautiful, smart young lady is growing up and going to school, and having boyfriends, and playing sports, and playing piano (or whatever she seems to like to do).   And one day when you have your own home, and your own children, you can tell them about your dad.

But probably, he will never be like most dads, who are right at home there every night when you come home from school.  He just isn't able to do that.   We'll miss him, but we are our own family now, and we help and take care of each other.  

LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 2:19 PM
1 mom liked this

 I wouldn't say your are wrong because you are their mother and you can raise them how you think is best. We make the choices how we raise our own kids. I asked on here because I'm lost as far as how to even begin to find the words to tell her but it's my decision on what I tell her but I always open to advice. 

 I won't ever talk nice about him because he isn't doing nice by my child by not being there but "me, myself and I" won't bad mouth him neither.My mother and sperm donor (what I call my own deadbeat father) bad mouthed eachother so much and no kid should have to listen to grown people problems. I didn't ask to be brought into this world, my parents had made that decision for me and to sit there and try to drag me into their problems was just stressful and affected me, so I don't want that for my daughter. My kid will know he isn't around because he chose not to because she is smart and can figure it out and I will never tell her lies, and I can't say he couldn't be there because .... he could be there he just chose not to but I won't be that harsh because it was his choice, not mine! My child shouldn't have to feel like someone didn't want her because I WANT HER ENOUGH! I WANT to be there for her and FEEL BLESSED to be MOMMY TO MY LITTLE GIRL! I've still have anger and HAD even more anger towards him and the people that where ok with how he was acting and that he would pop back into her life when it was convenient for him UNTIL I realized that at the end of the day all the anger and frustration hurt nobody but ME. He is living his life, being there for his other children, going to church and just doing him and he absolutely isn't affected at all by my anger or how I am feeling. So why am I going to waste my energy and let it get my down? It did affect me for a long time BUT I look at my child, I want her to be happy and have a happy childhood. I want to be happy! It still gets to me because I am human and anything having to do with my kid hurt a million times more and how can someone ignore something so beautiful, how can someone ignore God's blessing BUT I'm working on letting certain things go. I don't care to force anyone to be a father when I would HAPPILY do both roles like I have been these past 3 yrs. Your kids are lucky that you are there for them!

Quoting Caramel824:

I'm wrong because I don't talk nice about these low life's I picked,my son deals with his father and my daughter doesn't want anything to do with her dad.he's not there and he don't care about me,so I don't care about him!!!I say he's Muslim he doesn't believe in Jesus,so he doesn't care for anything.but the devil.my daughter said mom I want to go to church,I gave her money for the collection plate.only GOD can fix this mess.


 

LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 2:22 PM

 

THANK YOU! I took some good ideas from here. He unfortunately does have other children he is there for but I can still use some beautiful words you wrote.

Quoting lancet98:

Where is Daddy?  Daddy went away.  

When will he come back?  I don't know.

Will you go away?   Nope, you have me forever.

Why did Daddy go away?  I don't know.

When she is older, you might say something like what my friend told her daughter, that you loved Dad very much and wanted to have a family with him, but he just wasn't ready to settle down and have a family.   When you got pregnant, you knew you were ready to have a family, and you were sad for a little while, that her dad wasn't ready.    

But now you and her are a family, and that you are very happy about that.   And maybe some day Dad will come around and be surprised to find a beautiful, smart young lady is growing up and going to school, and having boyfriends, and playing sports, and playing piano (or whatever she seems to like to do).   And one day when you have your own home, and your own children, you can tell them about your dad.

But probably, he will never be like most dads, who are right at home there every night when you come home from school.  He just isn't able to do that.   We'll miss him, but we are our own family now, and we help and take care of each other.  


 

victoriahearts
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 2:28 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with the other ladies, I had this same problem with my ex, he worked too much and didn't make time to see our son. Be honest but simple in your response, not give long explanations because they don't really understand and acknowledge that knowing her father may not visit for a long time makes her sad but whenever she feels that way she should come to you and you will cheer her because you are her mom and you don't want to see her sad. Now may also be a good time to talk about your family being different as well, how some families just have one parent in it and that makes you a special family. 

LaBelladreamer
by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 3:12 PM

"When she was 6 she burst out bawling and said "well, if he's such a great guy, why did he leave me without a daddy?" This breaks my heart.

I know more and more and she begins to understand and I'm dreading the day I see her bawl her little eyes out because of this. I tried reaching out one last time and I told him be there and stay in her life. My sperm donor (my biological father) was in and out of my life and it affected me. I get that I can't chose the kind of father he is but I don't see how hard it is to stay in a child's life, especially seeing how he has other children he is raising. I'd rather him not give her cards because to me it would only be a reminder of him not being there. The family did take a while but they came around but I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Hoping it is good but at least she knows I didn't keep her away from anyone.

And Thank you for the advice! Send hugs back your way

 

Quoting Lurion:

Don't tell her he died for sure! 

Very wise: I'd rather her know Mommy always was truthful with me than her feel like she has no one she can trust.

No matter what you tell her, she will feel his absence. :(

I told dd that someone helped me make her and that he was a really great guy and he lives in _____. 

Then I gave her all kinds of crap about how there are different kinds of families, some with a mommy and daddy some with a grandma, etc. etc. 

When she was 6 she burst out bawling and said "well, if he's such a great guy, why did he leave me without a daddy?"

As she got older, she understood more but it doesn't hurt any less. I got married when she was 6 and thought he would be "daddy." Not so simple.

You can just be honest and say you don't understand why he does what he does, because she is the biggest joy of your life and you can't imagine a day without her. 

Nothing you say will take away the hurt. If you are in contact with him, I'd try to talk to him. Maybe he's comfortable with at least a Christmas and birthday card? Does anyone in his family have any interest at all? Even the grandma? 

Lots of hugs your way. 


 

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